An ode to Linda
So my mom calls yesterday, and immediately I set a timer to see if maybe this time we can set a record. Because my mother does not like to talk on the phone, and on average has said goodbye within twenty seconds. That is not an exaggeration. Twenty seconds. A phone call with my mother sounds like the guy who is auctioning off a cow, except that guy is coherent and my mother? A bit more like someone is beating a cat with a banjo.
I say that with all the love in my heart, Mom. You know how much I love banjos.
Like, I'll talk to my brother Ranger, and he'll mention that he had a phone call with my mom, and when I ask him how long he'll go, A MINUTE FORTY-FIVE, BITCHES!
Jon doesn't understand why my mom cannot stay on the phone, thinks that she has some sort of emotional aversion to the whole situation, and many times will say that conversations with her on the phone sound exactly like this: if I don't hang up now someone might die, goodbye.
Remember that movie about the bus that had to keep moving or it would explode? Twist that around and turn it on its head and there you have my mom's relationship to the telephone. The longer she talks, the more likely the world will end. I think I just armchair diagnosed her with something and saved her a ten dollar copay. THAT'S BETTER THAN A COUPON FOR CONDENSED MILK, MOM.
I tease her because I love her, she knows that, although I do expect a phone call in about ten minutes, one that lasts about fourteen seconds wherein I am labeled a turd.
Anyway, she calls to tell me that she has a story she thinks I will totally identify with, because she and I are the same person, and oops, I forgot to tell you. I have the exact same relationship with the phone. Sort of. I mean, I can have long conversations, but usually I'm all about WHAT? WHAT DO YOU WANT? SERIOUSLY? GET TO THE POINT, I HAVE MUCH PAJAMA-WEARING IN-THE-BED BLOGGING TO DO.
So it turns out that she and my stepfather are participating in a program at church where they are reading ten pages a day out of The Book of Mormon, and since my mother is The Most Competitive Person On The Planet, she is making sure that she is ahead of my stepfather. Meaning, she secretly snuck into his copy of the book to see how far along he was, and when she saw that he was within two pages of where she was, she ran right to her copy and read thirty more pages. And she was all, HA! THIRTY PAGES AHEAD! See if you can catch up to that, SLOW READER.
Now, there are too many layers of ridiculousness to this that I can't even count that high, starting with Mom, there is no prize at the end of this contest. You know that, right? And here you are cheating which is totally against the Word of Wisdom, or isn't it one of the ten commandments? WHATEVER. It's a sin no matter how you look at it MINUS A HUNDRED POINTS FOR YOU.
Except — and this is the reason the word except was invented — I totally wanted to high five her right there, right as we passed the one minute fifty-two second mark of our conversation. SUCK IT, RANGER.
Because sometimes when Jon and I are working out on treadmills next to each other at the gym and I look over and see that he is burning more calories than I am? I will increase the incline by ten and up the speed to HEART ATTACK just so that when we're done my calorie count is at least one point higher than his. Otherwise I can't go on living.
So you see? These neuroses. NOT MY FAULT.
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FM Living
Daddy Scratches said:
I can't think of anything that my wife and I compete with each other about (unless you count that time each of us thought the other was picking our son up from school as a "competition" ... you know, kind of like a contest to see which of us is the suckiest parent). Which isn't to say we're much too healthy for such foolishness; PLENTY of neuroses to go around over here.
(PS: Love being able to edit comments now ... because, oy vey with the typos already ...)
(PPS: Sort of down with your mom about the whole phone thing ... albeit not to the extent that the fate of the world depends on it.)
11.17.09 - 01:00 PM / 1Kim said:
First! (you can come drive over me with your car for doing that). I detest the phone too - I thought it was a weird thing until I realized it's a common phobia. Wooo!
11.17.09 - 12:33 PM / 2perky123 said:
hahaha, your mom sounds like mine (about the phone) except my mom will have 25 second conversations with me 5 times a day, because she always forgets what she's going to say and has to keep calling back! adult ADD at its finest.
11.17.09 - 12:34 PM / 3Midnight said:
In my family, it's my dad. We joke that his conversations end with "take it easy, click." I find that the older I get, the less I like to be on the phone, although I haven't resorted to just abruptly hanging up on people after telling them to take it easy. Well, at least not yet.
11.17.09 - 12:34 PM / 4Penelope said:
Haha. That made me laugh because I always check treadmill rates of those beside me and make sure I am the fastest. So silly, but so true.
11.17.09 - 12:34 PM / 5vonfengler said:
L-O-V-E the competitiveness. We are much the same way in our family – My cousin and I use to rollerblade from Redondo Beach to Manhattan – only because we were soo competitive we would end up in – oh I don’t know SANTA BARBARA before one of us would turn to the other and say “Sooo you wana head back now…” My beloved cannot understand the competitive gene at all (he comes from a LAZY gene pool). Conversation in my family inevitably starts with “Well oh yeah – I ...." insert pissing match here…
11.17.09 - 12:36 PM / 6jessilee said:
haha I've got a similar competitive streak. I've been known to do things just to win. My poor husband puts up with it but some days I can tell he'd just like to WIN.
11.17.09 - 12:37 PM / 7jessiCat said:
So glad to know that I'm not the only phone hater. Seriously. I hate its guts. My friends all get mad at me, and I tell all those bitches to just TEXT ME already! I will text all day. BUT, please don't call me unless someone is really injured, or dead. Because other than those 2 things, talking on the phone is just not something I want to do after work. Bleh. On my Facebook (or MySpace....or whatever other thing I waste time on) the caption under my picture read "If the phone doesn't ring, it's me". SO TRUE! :)
11.17.09 - 12:40 PM / 8Milla said:
first! oh wait, i'm not. i'll get you next time, other commenters!
11.17.09 - 12:46 PM / 9ackt said:
I would prefer to slowly remove my fingernails one by one than talk on the phone for any length of time. I must be the only person on the planet who doesn't own a cell phone.
11.17.09 - 12:49 PM / 10reenie said:
he won't say so but my husband and i are fiercely competitive. . .especially when it comes to exercise. if he sneaks out of bed in the morning to go running without me, i am beyond myself. my eyeballs = daggers. so, not only do i feel compelled to run twice as far later in the day, i will also place salami underneath the insoles of his sneakers.
11.17.09 - 12:49 PM / 11TropicalPopsicle said:
Bless you all for hating to talk on the phone and showing me I'm not the only one. I call my phone my Google or my texter because I only use it for the internet and texing. My father in law has even taken up texting so we can talk because he knows he'll have a better conversation that way.
11.17.09 - 01:06 PM / 12Barstool Babe said:
I still get scared when my Mom calls because long distance phone calls when I was growing up always meant somebody was in the hospital or died. The weekly letter to Grandma was the way to keep up on what was happening in the family. Dad doesn't even call his children, we call him. If we're lucky, he may last a couple of seconds before he passes the phone off to Mom.
11.17.09 - 01:09 PM / 13WebSavyMom said:
-->My parents have 500 minutes on their cell phone every month plus we're in the same network so calling me is Free. You'd think it was still costing $4.95 a minute when my mother calls. It's hard to hear her over the cash register going off in the background of how much this call is costing her.
11.17.09 - 01:14 PM / 14Kim Hosey - AZ ... said:
Gah, I kind of wish my mom was like yours in phone-call etiquette. I love her to pieces, but I HATE talking on the phone. To anyone. And when it is (finally) time to say our goodbyes, we have to do the "Yeah well, time to go..." warm-up goodbyes at least a dozen times. Argh.
I like phone calls with my brother. Me: "You coming to X location?" Him: "Yup. What time?" Me: "6:30." Him: "K. See you then." [Hang up.]
I kind of fail at socializing as a whole.
11.17.09 - 01:20 PM / 15simpliSAHM said:
Neuroses ~ Mothers ~ 'nuff said.
11.17.09 - 01:24 PM / 16MinivanSoapbox said:
So, my mom and I are swimming in her backyard pool...Which is obviously, lovely. And we start to tread water while talking about the finer things in life...makeup, sex, booze, etc. After a while we notice that A LOT of time has passed, and my Dad has started timing us. So, now IT'S ON. My mother? She looks me square in the eyes - All 60 years of her and says "I'll Die Before I Let You Win". Yea...I know where I get it too.
11.17.09 - 01:25 PM / 17tullisjen said:
Gotta love your mom! Loving the neuroses!
11.17.09 - 01:29 PM / 18Maggles said:
Ummm, regarding the "Platter" pic, is that seriously all the candy you have left from Halloween? For some reason, in a neighborhood full of kids, we had like 4 trick or treaters. And one of them was a cracked out lady in her (at least) 50s who I'm pretty sure was just trying to raise her blood sugar so she could comedown peacefully without dying. And I'm all like, Dude, Reece's are the best when you're crashing, TRUST ME. Point? Not one.
11.17.09 - 01:34 PM / 19kristanhoffman said:
There's nothing worse than realizing you ARE your mother. Oh wait, yes there is: when your MOTHER realizes you are her, and she throws it in your face.
I can't wait to do that to my kid.
11.17.09 - 01:45 PM / 20kristanhoffman said:
PS: Your spam filter is really creeping me out today. I mean, "Paul disrobes"? Seriously?
Kristan
11.17.09 - 01:46 PM / 21Laurel said:
One night my boyfriend made me promise, in all seriousness, that I would not become like my mother. I don't even blame him, but I've got forty-two years of programming working against me.
Laurel
11.17.09 - 02:00 PM / 22Louise said:
Ok, I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the name Ranger! Too bad I am refusing to have any more kids...
11.17.09 - 02:01 PM / 23Svaha said:
*This is totally not me wondering why Leta is the way she is (or at least the way you say she is)*
11.17.09 - 02:03 PM / 24TexasKatie said:
My dad does that on the phone. He always sounds so angry - as if the phone itself is pissing him off. I think the longest I ever was on the phone with him was like 10 minutes, and that was almost uncomfortable for ME. I am just not used to talking to the guy.
11.17.09 - 02:04 PM / 25Tammy at The Bu... said:
I'm not a competitive person so if I'd been on the treadmill, I would slow down rather than speed up. Just lazy, I guess. :)
11.17.09 - 02:04 PM / 26Ms. Pants said:
Dude, your mom is just trying to be the validictorian of the Book of Mormon.
So see? You really did learn it by watching her!!
11.17.09 - 02:05 PM / 27Rebecca Siewert said:
Ha ha love it. My dad is the same way, he hates the phone. I will have to time him next time we talk.
11.17.09 - 02:09 PM / 28kcbelles said:
We are our mother's daughters! Not so much when we were younger, but the older I get, the more I notice how much alike we are (which, in itself, is a bit scary). Although, now she loves the phone (used to hate it as I do); I think because we don't live so close anymore so I only get to see her about once a month. So it's a connection thing with her, although, ironically, I have to call her. She won't call me (why don't you call more often?) - she's gotta have a little of that jewish mother in her with the inflicting of the guilt!
11.17.09 - 02:13 PM / 29kajomo said:
I will trade your "20 second conversation mother" for a sister in law who MUST have at least a 2 hour conversation about nothing every week or small children will die. I hate the phone, say want you want so I can get back to reality tv.
11.17.09 - 02:12 PM / 30