Ah, Heather, I feel you. World hunger and natural disasters have been blamed on the fact that sometimes I don't put the nail clippers back in the manicure case.

I'd love to be there to hear him tell the story of EXACTLY how this happend because I'd bet even the auto body repair guy would say; "Dude, so she took the pen! Get over it." So sorry for your car repairs..and marriage for the next however long it takes these things to blow over.

I'm officially taking your side (sorry, Jon). OCD is not a suitable reason to drive into things and, while I feel his pain for expecting that pen to be there at that moment and that little hiccup so utterly befuddling him, it's just silly to blame you. Pens are wily little suckers, after all.

Y'all will be laughing about this in no time.

gabby*

This totally sounds like something I would do. My husband has a theory that I move his things just to f with him.

Do you ever wish you had a TiVo remote for life? Kind of like when I backed into my husband's new car last year.

OMG lol!
So, what you're saying is that I can't say you are equally to blame?
Ok, then. I would have to say Jon did the worst thing. You misplaced a pen. He caused serious damage to both of your vehicles. Granted it was because of the pen, but on the other hand, he forgot the car was in gear! And THAT is not the pen's fault.
Hope you have good car insurance!

Oh dear. Oh..dear. I can understand completely. It would be a complete and utter catastrophe if I took my husband's nifty pen/stylus from his truck. But I do not think it would end with the car door taken off and etc. So that's where the oh dear comes in and for that I am so sorry! If Jon is anything like my Jason, then there was probably a lot of yelling. And then Jason would proceed to break something else with his own two hands because he is so frustrated. The one thing that I would argue back is...UH HELLO! WHO LEAVES THE CAR IN REVERSE?? AND with Leta in the car no less? HA! I would have issues with that. I hope your day gets better. I am on your side (;

I'm taking sides, HEATHER WINS!

Tell me you took a picture of this.

I'm totally taking Heather's side. But my parents do the mileage thing, too. What's up with that?

I am a total routine person and could see myself doing exactly the same thing Jon did. But it would still be my fault because I was the one driving the car. Of course, I would have blamed whomever removed the pen and caused me to work outside of my routine zone.

So, it's Jon's fault ... but I only begrudgingly admit so.

You MOVED HIS CHEESE!

There is a lesson to be learned here. Don't do anything else besides driving while your car is in gear.

I have trouble with this concept upon occasion, but never this spectacularly.

OMG, that's priceless.

I myself took off my car door once by not closing it when I put the car in reverse. And I was 17. And I took it off with a brick column that stuck out from my parents house.

My dad figured it out three days later when he finally walked across the street to see why I was parking the car on the wrong side of the street, backwards.

But I bought myself THREE WHOLE DAYS. And I didn't even have a pen to blame. Shucks.

Haha, I have to agree with whoever said (I can't find it!) My vote is for Heather, but my sympathy is for Jon.
I really understand how missing one thing can throw you totally off.

At least you didn't get out, lock the door, then realize the car was still running. I did that... TWICE

Entirely your fault...or at least that's what I told myself after my bf left the trunk open, causing it to pop up as I backed into the street. I also forgot the car was in reverse, and proceeded to nearly back into an oncoming car.

I'm just glad that he wasn't too fast in getting out of the car once the door was open! But I'm on the side of a missing pen doesn't justify two busted-up cars.

Was dear Leta in the car? 'Cuz if she was, Jon, you have a lifetime of "remember that time I was in the car, when you got out and left it in reverse" coming. Not that my sister and I do that to my dad or anything. PS...soooo Jon's fault.

Sorry Jon. Jazz is shit.

Oprah is now going to have to change her No Phone Zone campaign to include the old fashioned pen and paper:)

I have to go with Jon. Routine is routine.

The writing down of the milage? I'm pretty sure there is an app for that.

Team Heather. Deal with it, Jon.

really shouldn't be reaching for that pen and writing down mileage while in gear in the first place.
but come on put the damn pen back!:) i can't stand it when i know there were 14 pens by the computer, but now they're all gone.... where??? purse, humidifier (thanx baby), hubby's bag, junk drawer...

Reminds me of my ex-wife. We had a 2-car garage. She pulled her Baretta in one day, somehow (I do not know how) missing the side of the garage opening. She claimed it was because a small palm tree (we lived in Florida) was droopy, and she was looking at it as she drove in.

But, she made it in without hitting anything. Somehow.

The next morning, though, as I was getting ready to leave (she was a few minutes ahead of me), I heard the gawdawful CRASH of glass breaking. But it was not just glass, it was a mirror assembly, AND THE FREAKING DOOR! Oh, she had closed the door, but GM at the time made very, very sturdy mirror assemblies. $650 later, we had a replacement door. FWIW - that $650 would have paid almost 2 month's payments on BOTH our cars at the time.

Anyways, a driver has to be aware of their vehicle. No ifs, ands, or buts... You take control of a 2,500-4,500 pound missile, you dang well better have CONTROL of it. So, sorry Jon.

Don't be surprised if Jon comes home with apologies on his lips - he'll have time to realize that a stinking pen did not cause that damage...

(I think I earned husband of the year award that year for not yelling or even showing anger when she broke the car, even though I wanted to.... boy did I want to... So, she waited until the *next* year to divorce me.) ;-)

sorry Jon. Having your entire concentration thrown off because of a slight change of habit is a bit . . . much. It's gonna take awhile, or you know, ETERNITY, to live this one down.

I'm sorry Heather, but I just laughed until I cried at the picture your words painted. Obviously the repairs won't be cheap or easy, and I'm so sorry for that, but wow... all of that over a pen? Man.

Good luck with everything!

P.S. I take your side!

and how is taking Leta to school a 'business errand' worthy of noting mileage?

Jon, I'm totally on your side on this one.

Heather...if Jon left the toilet set up, and you accidentally sat down in the bowl, would you have blamed him?

Here's the thing... the pen belonged where it belonged. This is what I used to try to explain to my ex-boyfriend -- YES, EX -- when he would move things just to see if I noticed. YES, I NOTICED. Do the videos have to be in some specific order that makes sense only to me? No, they don't have to be, but if I want them to be, and you don't care, then PUT THEM WHERE I WANT THEM TO BE.

Sorry, but I'm on Team Jon. You should have put the pen back, Heather. Does it make sense? Absolutely not. But it belonged where it belonged. And now look what you did!

Of course, this is coming from someone who has to put money in order in my wallet because I feel somehow that it WANTS to be in order. It's called "having issues." And they're mine, all mine.

actually - at this point the repairs may cost more than the tax deduction you would get for the mileage...may have to change my mind : )

Sorry, Jon, but when you get in an accident that involves one driver and running over your car with your other car, while still in your garage, and the other car isn't even moving, yeah, I'm afraid you're gonna have to take the blame for this one. Thank you for the belly laugh though. I really needed it.

ummm...okay so Jon is a man of routine and structure so it seems.

Heather I want you to do one thing and one thing only today. Go to the grocery store and fill the entire console with pens. This will never. happen. again.

I have been the "Jon" in scenarios much like this one. Therefore I am on Heather's side. Oh, my poor wife.

HAHAHAHAHAHA
I mean,not really, but OMG.
I love the two of you.
And I'm so sorry about all the stuff you have to fix because of a pen :)

omg heather. i totally understand. well, not about the car door. i've only seen that in movies, but about the pen. my husband requires the mileage (total and miles since last fill up), date, AND mpg per fill up. that requires LONG DIVISION. totally on your side girl!

I am with team Heather all the way...even with Debbie Gibson. Electric Youth was the very first CD I ever owned!

Good luck with the car(s)!

... but did he like your drawing..?

I have but one question: what if the pen had been in the car, but had run out of ink? Then what, Jon?

So here's the thing Heather. Men NEED to be able to explain and place blame in order to clear their conscious of the unfortunate deed.
Example: Milk spilled on table by man's arm. Man, "who spilled the milk?, why was milk left on table?, why would milk be sitting left alone on kitchen table, omg, this house is so cluttered, i mean milk on the table!!!" (walks around the house asking spouse and children about spilled milk.)
Milk spilled by woman.She grabs sink clothe cleans spill, places cup in dishwasher with baby on her hip while making older child's lunch, mentally going over "to do" list.
At least Jon is uber hot with his beard.It redeems him a little.

What a terrible way to start the day! I hope that it doesn't cost a fortune to have the damage repaired.

Having said that, Heather, I am totally on your side. You did not wreck the car(s). A pen is a privelage. If you can't remember to put it in park without one, what might you forget with one?!?

Sorry Jon.

While I certain sympathize with Jon,(I hate it when anyone moves my stuff; I yell and carry on), he must feel like a moron right about now.

Chalk up another vote for Team Heather!

Wow. Maybe this is an opportunity to examine the dependency upon routines? This is hysterical and (a feat) unique! I can't help wondering what type of pen was at the heart of this drama. Some pen company has their new ad campaign thanks to you.
And clearly, if anyone is to blame it's the car manufacturer that didn't create a built-in mileage-log-computer-system contraption.
Btw, love the new header w/ the photos. My favorite yet.

You are totally right.
Filching your hidden stash of baked goods is the only reason worthy of damaging 2 cars.

And now you can get him red pens for Valentine's Day!

You realize that the mechanic is very likely going to be a guy and is totally going to nod and agree that you shouldn't have touched the pen, right? I think it's in their bylaws.

Although you did remove the pen and cause him to remove his foot from the brake pedal while the car was in reverse while searching for that said pen I think it is Mr Jon's fault. Your description of the door reminds me of the Tommy Boy scene where he is filling up with gas and the car is in reverse with the door open and it gets pinned open. Just classic. So i will give Heather the W on this one. Heather 1 Jon 0

sorry Jon

I am also self-employed and keep track of my business mileage (ahem, SHOULD keep track of my business mileage every day, but usually end up estimating later in the week..or, you know, at tax time.

Anyhow, there's this totally amazing button that you should tell Jon about- it's near the mileage thingy, and you can switch modes to, like, "trip A" or some shit, so you just set it to zero at the beginning of your trip, and then when you get home- BAM! All you need to do is find a calculator and subtract that number from your current mileage, and you'll know the magic number you started at! ***BAM!!!***

wink wink ;)

But knowing you, Heather, you probably *also* removed the calculator from the glove compartment. Pssh

Oh jeez, I am the anal one in my marriage for sure when it comes to moving stuff out of its proper place (as nearly every morning at 5:40am seems to be a mad scramble to find the garage door opener). But I have to side with you. No one should get that comfortable with car routines because you CANNOT control every variable all the time. Sorry Jon!

Heather definitely shouldn't have taken that pen. That pen had a home and a purpose and she totally messed with the cosmos by trying to re-purpose the car mileage pen into a purse pen. This imbalance is probably what turned Jon into a total airhead because, Jon - WTF?

I'm on team Heather with the pen thing.

However, as a musician, I'm CLEARLY with Jon on the jazz, of course!

Team Heather!

Although I am like Jon about my routines and everything having a place; I get really frustrated when something has been moved. I would never put the car in drive and THEN write with my foot on the brake, that is just asking for it.

I'm going with neither side because everybody knows there is like a 5-pen requirement if you have any desire to not be in this position again. But, you said I have to take a side, so I'm taking yours because adaptability is very important in the evolutionary process, and Jon's adaptability was at the level of suck today.

I really enjoyed reading this, though, and I am SO sorry!

It'll be on my tombstone:

I didn't say it was your fault, I just want to blame you!!

what? He puts the car in reverse FIRST and then with his foot on the brake reaches for a pen? WHY??? Why not look for the pen while it is safely in park?? It's not the mileage changes.

And the pen not being returned? I could see flipping about not finding the pen when he needed it. I unfortunately share some of this character trait.

However, this didn't happen because of a pen. It happened because someone forgot he was still in reverse before getting out of the car!!

Poor Jon. Poor Heather. What does Leta have to say about this?

He will never admit that he was wrong.

Three years ago, maybe longer, I was picking my brother up to take him to the airport. I pulled my car into the driveway behind his car and got out. I noticed that his backup lights were on and walked up to see what was going on in the car. As I was walking up, the car started to reverse and my brother backed into my car. Now, he had his dog in the car and that dog was barking at me and he hadn't looked behind him after he got in the car. Not to mention that he knew I was picking him up five minutes from when I got there. He got out of his car and started yelling at me for parking behind him. He went on the trip he was supposed to and explained this to the men, men!, on the trip who all agreed it was his fault. To this day if someone asks him about how he backed into my car he will tell them it was my fault for parking behind him.

So, three years from now when he brings this up, just know that it will be your fault. Although, really, it was his.

Sorry, have to take Heather's side. I record my work mileage too but I do it when the car is still in park.

Is he actually blaming you or are you just being generous? Sorry Jon unles your side of the story is markedly different this one's yours.

Yesterday my husband left the door in to our laundry room open and our two year old wandered in and through the other door in to the garage, fell down the steps and twisted her ankle. He thought it was my fault because I was doing laundry which means the door to the garage has to be open because he broke the dryer vent. Do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a two year old off a bad ankle? Okay yeah you probably do. I love him but WTF?

Heather wins. And I win because moving the hammer upstairs when decorating a room or the blue scissors to the den where I was cutting tags off new clothes is also NOT A BIG HAIRY DEAL in the scheme of our busy lives!! And by the way, where is my rolling pin or Y shaped peeler, Dad?

First you NEVER put the car in reverse while you're doing anything but BACKING UP. Let alone, you know - writing or something. What if he had a heart attack or brain aneurysm and one of the dogs was outside pooping right behind him? His foot would slide off the brake pedal and it'd be the end of Chuck. (I won't even think about it being one of the kids).

Second - if he's still insisting the pen is to blame, you might remind him that had he intended for the f*ing pen to never ever, under no circumstances leave it's home he should have damned well bolted it to the dashboard. With a little chain like they have at the bank.

OH NO! I have complete sympathy for both of ya'll. I made this mistake when I was 16 and took out our garage door.

Although I'm sure ya'll will laugh about it soon, this still sucks...

BUT, Jon is at fault here. His first mistake was his routine... a routine where in the clouded mind of a sleep deprived, over worked parent could easily do this if say Leta forgot her lunch inside... So, unfortunately, Jon.. my advice is to write the mileage down BEFORE you put the car into gear. In which point, it would be "all Heather's fault" and no damage, other than Leta being late and your entire day's schedule is thrown completely off... You could then pick on Heather for weeks to come...

:-D

You only took the pen so you'd have a story to tell on your fab site.... what's the big deal!

I was also once blamed for a dent in my husband's pick-up. A storage box fell off the shelf in front of his pick-up. It was my fault because the contents of the storage box were my items.

I think I vote no one person's fault. Or both, I am Switzerland! But it sucks if you are getting blamed. Does no good to blame, just deal with the mess and laugh about it later....we just did!

Thanks for letting us laugh at/with you!

Pictures...pictures...we need pictures!!!!

I'm thinking there's gonna be more than one pen in the car from now on... Also thinking that the insurance adjustor is just gonna laugh if Jon tells him/her that it was your fault because of said pen... And just for the record, totally with you on this one.

hilarious...and i can sooooooooooo hear you being blamed...but you know what? it is so not your fault.

As someone who has a favorite pen on the kitchen island and a favorite pen on the bedside table that MUST remain there, I side with John. It drives me bananas and interrupts my routine when my husband moves the pens.

Sorry to hear of the damage to the cars. Those insurance adjusters have heard it all. I bet they side with John too!

I am SO SORRY, but my spelling OCD has kicked into high gear....

Break? No. Brake.

:)

Uhh, I want to take sides because now I feel sorry for Jon. So I want to take his side just like I rooted for the Saint's even though I dont like football.

But, in all fairness.

#1 car should be in park while looking for stuff, OR writing.

#2 there is this little button by your speedometer that you set to zero and it records the mileage of any trip, so you can write down your mileage when you get home.

#3 taking Leta to school is not a business expense, so effectively it was your Karma for being a big cheater.

Sorry Jon.

A pen and notebook. Seriously? Is it 1968? Surely there's an iPhone app to track mileage.

Sounds similar to the time when my husband blamed me for washing his wallet that he left in his pants.

Totally with you on this one.

Oh, does this sound familiar. A few days after we moved into our new house, DH had a little incident in the driveway. At our old house, we drove in to the driveway and backed out. Due to the slope and visibility of the driveway at the new house, it's better to back in and drive out. So, DH got into his car at the new house, put it in reverse, as he used to do at the old house, and promptly backed his SUV into my van which was parked behind his and then backed my van through the CLOSED garage door. Damage to both cars and the garage door... the repairs cost a few thousand dollars but I'm still getting mileage out of that story!!lol I am so totally on your side!!

Best. Story. Ever.

My sister, when she was a kid, used to get in the car and start an immediate list of wants...radio on, sunglasses please, did you pack my lunch, etc, etc, etc. Once my dad forgot to open the garage door and backed right into it. It's the only thing I could think about when reading this post.

Hilarious.

It's his fault. Needed this for a laugh today. Thanks!

jazz sucks (except for the structured Anita O'Day, Fitzgerald, Armstrong, and Chet Baker stuff)... and him blaming you for some accident he made over some OCD ritual he has is completely unforgiveable...

You should be able to counter that it is HIS fault that he even let you put the pen in your pocketbook in the first place...who's out of control now huh!? HUH?!!

Then again, if this union is to last it should be no one's fault and simply another internet story to amuse the masses who pay your bills with eyeballs...

you should hug it out and thank the universe that your foibles are so damned interesting to read about that advertisers pay you.

I can't believe you took the pen. You know how men are. The PEN! How could you.

Yeah...I made Russian Tea to help my husband get over the flu, and it really helped, but I didn't get credit for that. I did, however, get blamed for making his stomach upset because I made him drink so much juice.

So, obviously, I'm on your side. Even when it comes to the jazz. Bleh.

I want to be on Jon's side because he's so outnumbered... but I just can't. So I'm on Team Leta, and I hope she brings up how daddy left her in a moving vehicle whenever she's not getting refried beans or a cinnamon roll or a tattoo or whatever else it is she's begging for. ;)

Totally on your side because if I did something that idiotic my boyfriend would be all "God I can't believe you did that!" And I'd be like "YES I KNOW! I RUINED MY CAR DON'T EVEN LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT OR I SWEAR YOU'LL GET NO SEX FOR A MONTH!!!!"

Also, just saw your commercial on HGTV for the first time and got really excited. Before they even said your name I started naming you, Chuck and Marlo when they showed your faces and it definitely creeped out the boyfriend. I was like, "What I've been reading her blog for like four years!"

Perhaps not so startlingly, not only does that sound like something my dad would have and possibly has done, it also sounds very much like the logic he attempts to use on my mother, right before she starts throwing shit at him.

Accidents happen. I'm all for no blame, but since this post is about taking sides, I'll back up Heather. Blaming her for what happened is, you've got to admit, kind of a shitty thing to do.

TEAM JON! God Heather. Way to ruin the cars. Next time you pick up a pen you really need to consider how it affects all the other people who rely on that pen to drive a car. Sheesh!

I swapped paint with the side of the (very narrow) garage door when I was pulling in, having taken the turn too fast because I was turning off the wipers. Why it was imperative that I turn them off right at that moment, I'll never know. The front passenger door got dented, too, and complains whenever it's opened now, to remind me that yes, I was that stupid. Go Team Heather!

I have "borrowed" more pens than I can count this way.

My question though, why isn't the mileage written down BEFORE the car is taken out of park and secondly, why are we so concerned about mileage?

Not judging mind you, just wondering. I got a 30 going on 70 yr old bf that is really concerned about saving gas by not speeding or braking unnecessarily and not to mention TRAFFIC. So what do I know?

hmm... a missing pen vs damaging two vehicles. I'm going with the vehicles. Next time, do what I do. Buy a PACK of pens and store them in the glovebox. Problem solved.

Someone needs to be signed up for Drivers Ed. And I don't think it's Leta or Marlo....

Maybe if you give him special attention tonight when you're alone with him, he could find it in his heart to forgive you for taking the pen.

Bwahahahaha - who am I kidding? He was wrong. R-O-N-G, wrong.

I don't normally comment, but I had to for this one! (and created a new account, just so I could comment) I'm completely on your side for this one Heather, it's definitely not your fault, nor the pen's fault, that Jon forgot the car was in reverse when he got out. Who DOES that? Probably my husband as well. :)

Hopefully you guys will have a good laugh about this in... a few days. or maybe months? or years? good luck with the repairs!

OMG sorry that I laughed... but I'm with you Heather! now you know what to get him for Valentine's day a box of pens!

on your tombstone:

Heather "Dooce" Armstrong

"because I grabbed that pen..."

and his:

Jon "Blurbomat" Armstrong

"because you grabbed that pen..."

I laughed till I bout peed my britches. Thank you.

@113. MJBUtah

I've been self-employed for a decade and I WISH I actually needed all of the damn mileage logs I've kept over the years. I'm assuming I'd have to be audited for them to actually become important, because nobody who has done my taxes has ever asked for them- I give the mileage total or the total I spent on gas, and that's it.

OK, I side with Heather cause who really cares about a friggin' pen? Why is there only ONE pen in the car - why can't you buy a bag of Bics for $1 at Target and shove them in the glove compartment? There, problem solved. Everybody happy now.

Another comment - why are you writing down mileage when you take Leta to school? Just crossed my mind....

And frankly, I hate jazz too. Sounds like someone can't decide what to play, so they just start playing some notes and call it a song. Sorry.

I'm pro-jazz, but I will defend Heather's right to steal that pen to the death!

Unrelated: The words to allow me to post this response are "job mangling," a phrase which I plan to work into casual use as soon as possible.

OH BOY! That must have been something!! All because of a pen!!

I take your side, although I still blame my dad (a little bit) for having parked our minivan in the middle of the garage, instead of to the right where it was usually parked to give room for my husband's car. So... one evening my mom and I were heading out to a store and I backed up without looking and crashed into the other car. :-(

You can see the pictures here if you want to.

Now, I realize Jon will probably not want your to post pictures of this mishap, but I'd be so curious to see in photos what you described in such vivid language in your post! See what you can do for us, will ya?

I joined the community just to say- that was FUNNY. Hysterical. Good stuff. And, yes, I am on your side. I think Jon will probably need a week or so to realize that he is on your side too, but right now there is no use. He is probably in full-on defense mode. And who wouldn't be??? I mean really, two cars in one shot ... in a garage ... dude just decided to get out of the car ... I can't stop laughing at the image.

That is such a guy thing. My husband would have totally done the same thing. He is 52 so Heather guess what? It just is not going to change.. I am so on your side Heather, but did you think he was going to say, ooo crap guess what ??/ I just really messed up!! no no you are going to get blamed.. And while I have your attention,, I have looked EVERYPLACE for the Plungerhead wine. Where do you buy it?

I bet you squeeze the Charmin too. Shame on you, Heather, shame.

This is exactly like the time my mother backed right through the garage door, then blamed my father because he left the door open behind her car but told her to take his car. Riiight. Because part of becoming an adult is turning off the part of your brain that thinks.

Team Heather! There's no way you can be blamed for that.

I just read this to my husband and could barely get through it without crying from laughing so hard. He's obsessed with having a pen in each of our cars at all times. When I take the pen out because we're at the grocery store and I don't have one in my purse, he freaks out if I don't put it back. I could totally see him doing this!!! But not now, thanks for the public service announcement!

Sorry, but I am with Jon. You interrupted his routine.

There is no blame in what you did. If your husband is anything like mine, we could easily have them assassinated because their life is ruled by schedules and routines. I wonder what would happen if I decided to take a shower during HIS time slot this evening? Would the sun rise tomorrow, could he adapt? What would he say, I wonder. I know my life isn't that rigid, although I grant you that rigidity would ease a lot of decision making. But, aye, there's the rub. Jon was totally unable to take a singular variation into consideration, which, as we all know, is a high functioning skill in humans. Adapting to change. Women are just better at adaptation, I guess. It's been said that men are from Mars, but I think they're really from farther away than that. Feel no guilt, no shame in the pen scenario. A costly error, but one of Jon's doing (or undoing)! Although it makes for a heck of a good story!

I'm getting married in May, and you're giving me lots to look forward to. I'm on your side, Heather. I can defintely see this happening with my fiance ... with my father too for that matter ... we're gonna need another bottle here.

But was Jon able to note that day's mileage? :)

That's your fault, sorry. In an alternate universe, I am you and always the one who does something normal yet wrong that causes said universe to implode.

What's up with the mileage tracking anyway? Why can't he put this info in his iphone?

This reminds me of an article I read in National Geographic explorer a year or two ago. It was about routines or muscle memory and how it can Put You In DANGER (yes, YOU Jon!) The article had a few examples. One was of a world class rock climber who bent to tie her shoe in the middle of putting on her climbing gear and the action of tying her shoe replaced the action of tying a crucial knot in her safety gear routine! DANGER!

Another anecdote happened to the author while hiking. He stopped to rest in the ruins of an old cabin. On the hearth was a coiled rattle snake. He reached for it with his bare hand! So, you know, Danger!, and all... His grandmother had had an ashtray designed to look just like a coiled rattlesnake, he'd loved it as a child.

I forget what the solution was. So helpful, but there you have it. No one is to blame, only routine. Also, it occured to me that my biggest mistakes could have been avoided if someone had or hadn't done something. I would not have locked the keys to my car in my running car if my husband had not invited me to dinner that one time, how dare he crave a tasty treat! I would not have smashed my sweet baby's head on door frames, like, once a month if she would have tucked in and held on like a baby monkey. Dumb baby!

I say no one is to blame. Jon just flipped, I think you both forgive each other those crazed moments, which is really great!

What suspense! At first Bossy thought Jon ran over That Kazoo, but no, two cars down in one swoop! Only one question before Bossy renders her final verdict: is driving Leta to school considered business mileage? Because if not, reaching for the pen to make a notation in that mileage book is moot anyway, which means You are the correct one.

So NOT your fault.

And listening to jazz is like dying a slow, painful death.

I'm still hung up on the fact that you only keep one pen in the car. We have at least 20. Minimum. As well as dirty socks, banana peels, 3 days worth of newspapers, empty coffee cups, Redbox rentals that are at least a week old and diapers. Clean ones.

But if I must pick sides, you win.

WOW!! Who could ever phantom that a pen could cause so much chaos; I mean really?! I'm with you on this one Heather. I mean you didn't purposely put the pen into your bag....Or did you? Because then, THEN you'd be HITLER! LOL! =P

Hope this didn't hurt your wallets too much!

I smell a pen company sponsorship on the horizon. Maybe they will pay for your car damages :)

you know that stupid voice memos function on your iphone that you probably never use? I use it when I'm in the car recording mileage for work. No pen needed. I blame the pen.

33. hayofray said:
Pens? Isn't there an app for that?

Nailed it!!

Can I wait to choose sides until I read Jon's version of the story?

I am SO picking team Heather! (I am with Jon on the Jazz though....)

Within a one month period last year, I backed my Explorer down the side of my husband's new car (forgot it was there) and into our electric gate (that I thought was open). I would have LOVED having a pen to blame it on!

Love your stories!
Kerri

One more vote for Heather (sorry Jon).

My mom did something similar last year, though she was knocked to the floor by the door and almost run over in the process. Be grateful it was only the cars that got banged up.

Seeing as everything's pretty much already been said, however, I will offer a small token of advice to Jon: here in our neck of the woods, one must adhere with tape, a large plastic spoon or silk flower to your pen in order to prevent theft.

It's hard to accidentally walk off with a 12 inch long pen, you know?

My sympathies are with you both.

Ok, I be on team Jon. Poor poor team Jon. :p

I'm glad no one was hurt!!!

Heather, stop being so reckless with PENS! :P

Okay, I do not have time to read all of the other comments, and I have already commented once, but I do have to say that falling in the toilet bowl is NOT a good comparison for ripping off the car door. That IS an unsafe routine. BUT you did take the pen. SO whatever, I am still on your side. The car was in reverse. Ummmm.... what did you think was gonna happen?

OK, I just read this entire entry out loud to my husband.

When he was finished laughing hysterically, he said, "Yep, that totally sounds like something we would do."

Oh, and I'm on Team Pen-Remover, all the way! (Though like few before me, I am also on Team Jazz. Sorry, Heather.)

I haven't read through all the comments but perhaps there is an App that Jon could use on his iPhone that would eliminate the need for a pen. My fiance uses AccuFuel on his iPhone on a regular basis and seems to enjoy it just fine. :)

Poor Jon, getting so much hate for a nasty brainfart...I'm with Heather on this but there are far bigger things in life to worry about and people need to cut Jon some slack.

Team Heather.

I'm with Jon on the pen injustice. Anyone screws with my morning routine and it messes me up completely. And the pens! Can no one return a pen to its owner?

But, I would have to say that the accident was mainly Jon's fault. I backed into a parked car in my driveway last year, so there is no judgment on "safety" and "controlling oneself" from me. Accidents happen. But always the driver is responsible.

T-shirts: illustration of pen, 'Team Heather' on top. 10 bucks. proceeds to Haiti. Who's in????

http://mymilemarker.com/ (ahem)

You should sit down TOGETHER with a bottle of wine and chalk this one up to what it really is - what a stressful bitch it is to get a five year-old to school in the morning, and how anyone who gave birth within the past twelve months is damn lucky to even remember her wallet, not to mention a pen.

I do think Jon should have tomorrow's post to do a little venting though. We love you, Jon!

I guess I would have to say Heathers side. But only because he damaged 2 cars... This is coming though from someone who scraped her car along the side of her stone house because she did 'see' it.....

This sounds eerily similar to something that would happen with us, if we had a garage door. I'm honestly surprised that something like this HASN'T happened with some other crucial nearby object, like a neighbor's car, because while something like that would make me roll my eyes, my husband would positively panic at the idea of something crucial happening to not be in the right place.
I commend his attempt to make your innocent mistake into the reason that your garage door and cars are both crying in confusion, but unfortunately, he's on his own on this one. I think a bit more (or a bit less) coffee in the morning might help him kick his brain into gear enough that he can rationally think through such a situation.
Don't worry, though, Jon - my husband is probably nodding in his sleep, agreeing with you. It's probably something related to the way that the testicles hate trying to function with any other portion of the body (and I think our two sons would agree with that one if they could).
So, to sum it up: Jon, more morning coffee. Heather, it's obviously in your best interest to find a new method of mileage recording that can't possibly be slipped into anybody's anything.
In other news, it's snowing like a bitch here today. Sometimes I despise Illinois.

OMG. Because you grabed that pen.

I have to admit: I'm Team Heather here. Only because I don't think any external factors imply in that accident. What cause the accident was a foot that was removed, and BANG! Bye bye car's door. A pen did not remove itself from the clutch, did it?

I understand he got distracted because he expected to have that pen at that particular time. But he didn't have that pen.

If we blame the things we think while driving for commiting an accident, then wow, how fucked up this world would be. I mean, even worse. Having the pen or not is not enough to blame the accident.

Distraction is.

Heather, I usually side with my fellow wives when it comes to husband-wife madness, but I'm on Team Jon.

Jon, I understand. I mean, the absence of that pen threw you off. My husband is always moving my shit and throwing me off. Granted, I haven't taken off half the garage door yet, BUT IT COULD TOTALLY HAPPEN!

Once, one of our neighbors had the audacity to change their parking spot in our shared apartment parking lot. I was so distracted and thrown off, I managed to rip off the entire front end of our three-week old car when I backed out of our space. Next up: Garage doors!

People like us need consistency and routine. CONSISTENCY!!! If folks, especially spouses, disturb those things, we are not responsible for the ensuing chaos. Go Team Jon!

Every part of me wants to say that jon was in the wrong, except for the glaring fact that he is ten years older than you. It is like the difference between a crocus and a giant redwood. But the jazz...hate it.

Had Heather found herself in the vehicle sans pen, surely she would have pulled a Sarah Palin and scribbled the mileage on her hand in lipstick.

Gotta go with Heather on this. An unfortunate accident, but not her fault. Poor Jon.

And the Jazz. Gah. Can't seem to get past that one.

So. Are you saying that the route to Leta's school changes daily and Jon could not just make the drive, come home and then calculate the mileage? Hmmmm.

Perhaps a pen on a chain stuck to the dash might prevent further, uhm, accidents.

Gotta take Heathers side....but I always take the woman's side! Similar thing happened to my husband, as I was in the car with him. We are going somewhere, he starts the car and opens the garage successfully (multitasking for a man, big time!) As he starts backing out and all I hear is the scraping of metal on metal. I scream, as I do for everything. Somehow it helps......me. He has backed out WITHOUT LOOKING BEHIND HIM and has scraped down the side of our sons truck. He continues backing out until he has scraped the full side of both cars. I scream at him....."WTF???? Who the hell backs out without looking???????" His answer......"no one is usually parked behind me."

Conclusion.....men are idiots.

Why didn't he just get another pen out of his purse? Seriously, men need to be better prepared for the emergencies that life throws their way.

OK - I'm sticking with my girl Heather on this one. This sounds just like something my hubby would do - and then blame me. LOL!

Oh and I agree with a previous poster....how does taking Leta to school count as business mileage??? Things that make you go hmmmmmm......

;-)

I love blurb's creative genius, but I am forever on Team Dooce! Men aren't apt for multi-tasking or heaven forbid, a slight change in routine.

This post was damn hilarity at its best!

I learned a long time ago that you don't fuck with a man and his pens.

BUT, Jon should've been paying more attention and not let you throw it in your purse!

:)

Hilarious. I'm not even allowed to touch my husband's pens (he uses fancy fountain pens, and apparently I PUSH TOO HARD when I write). At any rate, we moved to a new house last year and about 3 weeks after, I was leaving a little to quickly and damaged the passenger side mirror (it caught on the door and pushed backward, a bit further than it was supposed to, but I was able to pop it back into place). Oh, what a hard time my husband gave me, on and on about how I needed to be more careful...until he did the exact same thing, only worse, about a week later.

So the lesson is, make sure you don't drive one of your cars into the other one next week! That way, you win forever.

I'll be happy to bring the wine on Friday.

Please, oh please go along with a video camera in hand!

Oh dear sweet little baby Jesus that was so incredibly funny! I mean, I'm on your side, OF COURSE, but I gotta say, I would have been Jon in that situation (in fact, minus the car wrecking, I've been in almost that exact same situation) so I do sympathize. Oh please DO post a video!!!

Seriously? This is the funniest post! Sorry, dude. You can't blame YOUR forgetting to put the car in park on Heather. Nice try though.

I think that Jon should be awarded a super-fancy trophy, for his superior driving skills!

This has absolutely NOTHING to do with you! Just because something isn't in its normal place doesn't mean you can go all absent-minded like and forget to put your car in park before getting out. This is completely his idiocy. Sorry dude.

Yeah, I'm with Jon on this one. You took his pen and messed up his routine. How. Dare. You. Woman. :)

I'm sorry, I'm a bad friend. I laughed both at the end of your story and then when I saw Jon post 'whatever'

Give me a few minutes to compose myself and then tell me again. We can pretend the laughing fit never happened and I'll be all sympathetic and call him a moron and stuff.

See, I can be a good girlfriend.

(I'm a 34 yr old man)

Team Heather! (I feel like we should have t-shirts). Although if Jon restrained himself from placing the blame on the pen until after you expressed your displeasure he gets a little more credit... You've got to blame something! Otherwise, you are just the guy who drove one of his cars into his other car.

That being said, I was once the designated driver and was so focused on not hitting this one tree in their long slanted driveway (where I have parked a thousand times) that I backed my boyfriends car into his brother's truck.

And I also once tried so hard not to hit a mustang with my 22 foot trailer that I took off the side of some cheapo-car... maybe a Corolla?

Maybe I should be on Team Jon after all... but really, we should just consider ourselves lucky our accidents happen at... well, half a kilometre per hour instead of on the streets at say 60. And I would totally blame a spouse for something like that. But I feel bad that I do, so I'm sticking with Team Heather! Sorry, Jon!

Every action has a consequence. Heather altered a routine by removing the pen. While Heather is not totally responsible for Jon's mishap she set in motion the series of events that resulted in the car damage. It's really interesting to pay attention to these small moments in life and track how big an impact such a seemingly small decision can make.

A simple example is think about the last time you had to look for a item because someone did not put it back in the normal place it usually occupies. The extra seconds it would have taken the displacer to return the item to the commonly accepted location often times causes much more time being lost in the end while someone else looks for said item. It gets especially fun when a person is made to be late while they look for an object that they did not displace. :-)

When you remove order you get chaos.

Of course, technically, I'm on your side, Dooce, always....You will need lots of love and support if you haven't already realized that you're facing two separate deductibles. That part is not even funny. I had my first accident the first day I had my license, so Jon has my most heartfelt sympathy also!

Oh yes. The house can have shit stacked three feet high on the counters, the kids unfed, Laundry Mountain yet unscaled, and the library books ten weeks overdue.. but a dirty car ranks right up there with puppy boiling on the Man Scale in our house.

Don't ever get a hybrid or Jon will turn into one of those Hypermilers. Heck, my husband wants to buy one of those deathtraps just to BECOME a hypermiler.

Team Heather on this one.

Oh no! I spelled Jon's name wrong! But it's still his fault.

i understand how jon could be totally thrown off his routine by the MISSING PEN!, but i'm ultimately with heather on this one....so thrown off that he wrecked BOTH cars? that's hilarious!

I'm the person who is just like Jon in this scenario. I know I'd point the blame at my husband for taking the pen out of the car when I've just crashed it. He always tells me I'm quick to accuse others for things that I've obviously flubbed up on.
But, even though I can relate, I know that I'm generally the one in the wrong - but it can be so easy to point the finger at someone else for your own mistakes sometimes... it helps you get the frustration out, even if it's not right.
I'm sure (if he is still upset about it), that he probably deep down knows it's his fault for not paying attention - pen there, or not.

PS - definitely Jon's fault because there should always be more than 1 pen in the car ;)

Okay - I'll take Heather's side because we (those that like to touch, move things, put things away COMPULSIVELY) MUST BAND TOGETHER...AND TORTURE ALL OTHER HUMAN BEINGS IN OUR PATH! (MUAHAHAAAA)

I’m not even sure I can have an objective opinion here because I once cleaned up my husband’s receipts that were scattered everywhere into a nice pile exactly 15 inches away from where they had been tossed and this apparently was the root cause as to why he got TWO tickets in one afternoon (one for speeding and one for having his cell phone to his ear)…not to mention that other time I moved his path of dirty laundry into THE LAUNDRY BIN and that apparently caused the earth to narrowly miss colliding with an asteroid…which in turn caused him to do something important…like oh I don’t know…tevo an important basketball game. The world then came to an end.

Taking Heather's side, first off. Wow. Just wow. That is quite possibly the funniest and saddest story I have ever heard. I can only imagine the laughter erupting in that body shop's garage when they hear what happened. And as far as insurance goes - I am sure they will laugh, too. They don't cover accidents that you cause to both of your vehicles, do they? LOL. And it's sad because I can totally see those lightening bolts shooting out of Jon's head and the trauma he must have felt when that happened. Thank GOD that he didn't run his foot over or the car didn't roll away with Leta IN IT. Or imagine if there was a kid standing behind the car, or even a dog or cat, or something, and he ran it over. So I guess it could have been worse. But still sad. (And really funny).

(Also... does Jon count driving Leta to school as a business expense??? Because if not, why would he care so much about the pen being there or not? One more reason to be on TEAM HEATHER!)

I sadly feel Jon's pain after having totalled a custom garage door, killing a freezer, and hosing my mom's bronco mere days after my 16th birthday. Since then I've been a nightmare when it comes to me, vehicles (especially those owned by my mother) and stationary things like buildings. Poor Jon!

I totally have to take Jon's side. Don't you have a pen in your purse? Isn't there one in the glovebox? Jon put that pen there for a reason. SO THERE WOULD ALWAYS BE A PEN WHEN HE NEEDED IT. I can so see that happening at my house. Except it would be over misplaced visine or hand sanitizer or something. I'm not anal about mileage whatsoever.

of course it has to be your fault. because it is NEVER a man's fault when he doesn't THINK before DOING something!!!!! (translation - it is sooooooooooo jon's fault!!!!!!) to add to other comments - jon, dude, you are SO a technical guy and you still write down your mileage? there HAS to be an app for that....and yah - maybe having more than one pen in the car (if you can't find said app) will alleviate this issue in the future. and leta is SO going to have fun with this when you're trying to teach her how to drive "dad, shut up - i'm not the one that took the door off the car - you don't get to tell me what to do when it comes to driving".....oh i can't wait - only 11 more years until that time comes!!!!

Heather, not sure if it's been mentioned, but this entry would have been PERFECT as a poll... especially with live results... hahaha (sorry Jon..) :-D

Why record the mileage on the way to school? Was he recording yesterday's ending mileage number? It would seem to me that taking Leta to school would qualify as a non-work-related outing. But don't worry, I won't tell the IRS...

I am sorry about this incident, which incidentally may put you a couple of months further away from your dream home!

Heather, you totally win the argument. Jon is being silly. and I'm not just saying that because I read your blog every day and Jon's only seasonally.