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How to Annoy Me

Complain that you can’t concentrate over the sound of my daily morning Grape Nuts celebration.

Comments Heard In, Around, and Consequent to the Company Christmas Party Last Evening

“In honor of last night, Ruben ‘Pizza Slinging’ Sandoval is renaming his band ‘Super Human Puker’” “In case you didn’t get enough of my antics last night, please come see me and my band tonight and I promise I won’t steal the food from your plate and fling it at you.” “Ruben, put that down… [...]


Two bowls of Grape Nuts will give you some serious gas. Just so you know.


The sound of an entire organization throwing up hard liquor.



How to Charm Me

Your definition of dressing up is ironing a Def Leppard T-shirt and breaking out the anti-perspirant.

How to Annoy Me

Comment loudly at the company Christmas party, “You clean up real nice, lady.”


What I wouldn’t do for a Klondike Bar.

A List of Lists I Need to Make And Three Possible Examples From Each List To Make a Point

1. Things I would like to do to Britney Spears: a) CENSORED b) CENSORED c) CENSORED 2. Things I shouldn’t say to my parents: a) Shit b) Vote Democrat c) Holy Be-Jesus Fuckballs 3. Things I shouldn’t eat when the threat of possible blotation could ruin a perfectly good outfit: a) Fresh broccoli b) Canned [...]