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God Save the Queen and Her Awful Teeth

I ate an entire head of broccoli while watching the British version of “Whose Line is it Anyway?” last night in bed. Afterward, I battled two whole hours of gaseous blotation wherein the elastic on my underoos nearly snapped against the force of the bubbling pressure. “I’m going to be farting broccoli all night,” I [...]

Listening

Bettie Serveert: Palomine

How to Charm Me

Remark to a table of your peers, “Daniel Boone was the one who fought at the Alamo, right?”

How to Annoy Me

Grow your sideburns into the shape and size of Louisiana. It’s hurtful.