Pursuant to the “at will” employment policy of Dooce.com, Inc. (the “Company”), we hereby terminate your employment effective immediately.
Enclosed is your final paycheck for the period through and including the effective date of your termination, together with your accrued and unused vacation time, all in accordance with Company policy and applicable law.
The reasons for your termination are as follows:
1) Provision II. B. of the employee handbook specifies that all employees of the Company refrain from wearing white athletic socks and leather clogs simultaneously. Our records show that you violated this provision on 12 December 2001 and 03 January 2002 without any apparent remorse. We feel that the white sock/leather clog combination is an abomination in the sight of Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. We are enacting His wrath.
2) While there are no written directives preventing you from executing a flatulatory expression from the confines of your cubicle, the Company finds your unabashed leg-in-the-air approach to gastrointestinal evacuation an unquestionable encumberment to those working in and around your working area.
3) Your incessant defense of Creed.
4) Your conspicuously big boobs.
5) Provision VII. F. of the employee handbook mandates that all employees download a minimum of 5 gigs of Britney-related pornography each week of employment. Our records show that you averaged only 300 megs of Britney-related pornography for the entire time you were employed by the Company.
6) The Company made it clear in your initial interview that it preferred Entertainment Tonight to Access Hollywood, per the luscious thigh curvatures of Mary Hart’s heavily-insured gams. According to your knowledge of the politics inside the entertainment industry, we have determined that you prefer the silicon-enhanced mammary vessels of Nancy O’Dell to the aforementioned thighs and find you in violation of all that is righteous and humane.
7) Your insistence on touching my hair.
We thank you for your contributions to the Company and wish you well in your future endeavors.
Very truly yours,