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Very Best of the World’s Worst

After watching last night’s premiere of “The Very Best of the World’s Worst Drivers: 2″ I tried to figure out what is was about these very best worst drivers that made them the very best, but not really the very best, because the if they really were the very best, wouldn’t they have been featured [...]

He’s Still Just a Little Guy

Explanations

Only five posts into this version of the website and already I’m asking myself, I’m asking, hey, Heather, you know, will you write about anything other than your damn dog ever again? Because I know that at some point, perhaps a point already past, people are going to start saying, hey, Heather, you know, they’ll [...]

I Am So Not Kidding About This

So there’s this dog in the neighborhood. And this dog is a pure bred adult male who still sports a rather large set of testicles. This dog is named after the lead in a comedy series from the sixties, and I’d love tell you his name but the last time I talked about someone’s dog [...]

Heavy Duty Home Improvement

Who knew that aiming a cordless 14.4 volt DeWalt drill at your husband’s ass might not be as funny as you thought it would be? Me. I didn’t know. I didn’t know that a quarter-inch drill bit could, with the slightest amount of mushing, cut a gaping hole through a pair of cargo pants and [...]

$25,000 Pyramid

Poorly constructed parking garages Ikea “Meet The Parents” and “Curb Your Enthusiasm” Home improvement projects, especially those involving toggle bolts Disneyland Hardware stores with narrow aisles Eminem The pharmacy at Sav-on on Wilshire The last 8 minutes of “Trading Spaces” Gwyneth Paltrow being asked to give her opinion on anything Gold lam�

Code Word

I recently spent two months of my life potty training a small animal. I use the word “spent” in its most literal sense: I did nothing but eat, sleep and potty train for nearly 60 days. Potty training my small animal was more of a potty coaxing, really. The routine went something like this: I [...]

Ingrown

No surgical procedure should ever begin with the words, “Tell me if this hurts,” particularly when such a procedure is being conducted by a husband wearing a headlamp and wielding a pair of tweezers. Of course, when presented the opportunity to excavate the unruly barbed whiskers from the underside of her man’s chin, a wife [...]