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Representing

There’s a relatively new reality show on MTV called FM Nation, and while I didn’t think there would ever be a show that could top The Bachelor or Temptation Island, the genius editors at MTV networks have somehow exalted unscripted TV to undeniable brilliance. FM Nation follows 3 groups of young idiots as their stories [...]

October 29, 2002

Burial Ground

Yesterday during intense house-cleaning festivities Jon used a wire hanger to grab one of Chuck’s lost tennis balls out from underneath the couch. Instead of a lost tennis ball, however, he discovered: – 5 barely recognizable rawhide nubbins – 2 whole rawhide bones – 2 Kong chew toys – 3 lost tennis balls – 12 [...]

Detox

I’ve been throwing up, off and on, here and there, for a little over three weeks now, and although I’d love to report that I’m pregnant with cute little monobrowed babies, because that’s seriously what I’d love to report, I have to confess, sadly, that I’m not pregnant. I am so not pregnant that my [...]

Find Heather’s Hair

All photos by Jon and Heather Armstrong. If you must make mean comments, please restrict yourself to criticism of my hair only. If you say anything nasty about my family, I will fucking cut you.

A Glimpse

It was all going super okay until one of my sister’s 18-month-old twins decided to start throwing silverware, primarily spoons, across the dining table. I don’t think he was aiming at anyone in particular, although he missed my new sister-in-law’s cheek by a half-centimeter. Aunt Lola decided that since all decorum was shot to hell, [...]

Busted

Chuck will be spending the next five days thinking about what he can do to prevent himself from lifting his leg and peeing on my friend Sara, twice in the span of three days. Jon and I will be spending the next five days in Utah introducing the family units. Considering the constituents of each [...]

The Longest Elevator Ride of My Life

So Jon and I are parking the car, and the parking structure is monstrous, one of those structures that goes five floors underground, and the only empty spaces are on the fifth floor in a remote cavernous corner. And we don’t necessarily mind, because we’re going to see one of those arty movies that’s only [...]

Do I Look Like I Speak Spanish?

I know that what I’m about to say is going to cause all sorts of hissy fits, and people are going to get all fussy and up in my business, but what’s the point of a personal website if I can’t whine? It’s just, the only Spanish I know I learned from The Simpsons and [...]

You Should Probably Not Post Any Comments to this Site if You are Any of the Following:

The sociopathic co-worker I dated at the end of 1999. Someone who insists on using the word “dawg” in reference to anyone in his “posse.” Someone who complains about the comments but insists on reading them anyway. My Granny. My hair-stylist. My god, the ammunition you have. Anyone who has cute, coifed eyebrows that came [...]