• http://www.unremembered.com darian

    ha!ha!ha! that sounds like every apt building I’ve lived in since I’ve moved to LA!

  • http://blueshoediaries.com angie

    Man. That sign got me so scared I even closed the gate here. I wonder what sort of “smack-down” a gate sign can lay on you anyway.


  • http://www.dennis.ca/weblog dennis

    Reminds me of the security cameras installed in my parking garage (directly over my car).

    Some kid spent over 45 minutes in my car stealing my stereo. Very polite, though — Took apart the dash properly, cut the wires, reassembled everything, and locked the door on his way out.

    I thought for sure the guy would get caught, except the landlord informed me that, “the cameras don’t actually record anything.”

    Thanks, pal.

  • Wayne

    Dennis–Are you sure it wasn’t the landlord’s kid?

  • http://sx70.blogspot.com sx70

    my apartment building can speak volumes about once-former glory.
    Starting from the sidewalk, we have the 3 foot wide sliver of what used to be grass but is now obviously the only place on the block that people will obviously not yell at you if you don’t pick up your dog poop, the thrice-times-ten painted over former door buzzers and the small and constantly overflowing mailboxes (of course, mine is the only one that doesn’t lock, which is basically an invitation for neighbors to steal my netflix-rented dvd copies of “home yoga for those too terrified to do it in front of other people”, “the demolitionist”, and “four weddings and a funeral” (like i’m going to walk into blockbuster and rent that?). This is to say nothing of the front and rear doors of the complex (not very complex, actually) that are propped open with cinder blocks, and the pilled indoor-outdoor carpet in the hallway (technically, since the doors are always open, the hallways are pretty much always exposed to the elements). They did of course fix our laundry room door because it wouldn’t close, but of course to offset that, raised our laundry to $1.25 a wash. I pay elevenhundredfuckingUSD because of what? The Grove? Canter’s? How much is laundry in Canada, anyway?

  • sx70

    oops, i didn’t realize it was such a long post. i guess you struck a nerve.

  • http://www.pbase.com/bast Bastherself

    I think Dooce needs her own castle. Perhaps with a moat and piranas. Maybe even a couple of war donkeys while you’re at it.

  • G.

    Well there you go. Really, the world would be a much better place if everything was adorned by such things. “DO NOT ROB THIS HOUSE.” “DO NOT KILL THIS LADY.” “DO NOT PEE ON THE SEAT…” Everyone would surely listen to the signs, crime and herpes will certainly fall.

  • http://www.grillboy.net/ michael

    Yet another reason to move to Utah, eh?

  • janex

    …laundry in canada, at least on my campus, is $1.75. but we just hang our stuff up on clotheslines strung from the beams in the basement.

  • http://www.reddeyez.com ryan

    Perhaps a polaroid of that new hair style of yours firmly attached to the sign might help keep out intruders… several of the tenants even… =)

  • http://pixelkitty.net pixelkitty

    mmmmmmmm War Donkeys

  • henry

    The sign should read, “BEWARE OF WAR DONKEY.”

  • http://aprilgem.com/log April

    :-D I love how you turn something as simple as a gate sign into entertaining, humorous prose.

  • http://delicateflower.prettyposies.com melanie

    i was wondering where i left my panties…

  • http://thepropagandist.com the propagandist

    velcro scares me.

  • Deuce

    actually, dooce, i claim responsibility for those oversized panties. i gotta stop drinking so much scotch at max’s. how dare these homeless people invade our roof space…where the hell else am i supposed to get my drug on, yo?

  • http://www.escribitionist.com Jane Doe

    Isn’t the landlord in violation of some kind of tenant/landlord agreement by putting the rope on the gate? Doesn’t the lease or agreement cover the security measures taken to maintain a secure complex? I’m sure something could be done if you all weren’t so lazy and subconsciously really wanted to keep the rope there…

    just a thought is all.

  • http://paulsboutique.blogspot.com Paul Gutman

    This just feeds into my personal theory that anything having to do with real estate–renting, landlords, delivery of anything like a bed, a dresser, etc–is inherently bad news and dishonest. Someone is always looking to do something you wouldn’t dare admit to your mother.

  • http://paulsboutique.blogspot.com Paul Gutman

    I also think that Chuckles atop a war donkey is a very good plan for keeping away your personal-space invaders.

  • Drunkn Otter

    I hate lazy tenants. Someone once walked their bitch down the end of my hall on the 6th floor instead of taking it outside. Anyway… Does anyone know how much war donkeys are going for on ebay? Nevermind, I’m gonna email Santa.

  • yesno0001

    Just add the word “Please” to the sign. Problem solved!

  • http://amindofamind.blogspot.com Naaman

    Make a nice quality print of Chuckles in the devil costume and post it underneath the sign with a note that says, “…And if you don’t, this dog will eat you and then use your rope to go fishing in your goldfish bowl.”

  • http://www.realityremixed.com Keith

    So it looks like a bunch of us L.A.-area bloggers are getting together this Saturday evening at Gotham Hall in Santa Monica… Any chance you & DJ Blurb might be able to make an appearance before you take off for parts unknown?

  • http://moxie.nu/blog.php moxie

    I’m pretty sure I saw you at the Ralph’s last Thursday.

    Oh yeah, hi…Moxie here. Just another LA writer.

  • http://tattletale.net nita

    I was one of those lazy tenants. Not the ones who tied the door open. No, one of those who in my tiny (6 unit) building sometimes left her laundry in the basement. Until the other, differently lazy tenant got in the habit of leaving the door unlocked and a homeless person set up housekeeping in one of the storage lockers and did so using a blanket I’d left down there.

  • http://www.crimedoctor.com/apartmen8.htm Ex-liontamer

    Things like “Lazy Tenant Syndrome” (LTS) is one reason I haven’t lived in a multi-unit apartment for since freashman year. I decided to rely on my own stupidity. So far, so good.

  • http://limmert.blogspot.com Antonio Monkerro

    I have an anti-lazy-tenant device that works quite well. I blare my newest P. Diddy tacks at top volume all night long….now I don’t have any more neighbours. Problem solved!

  • http://ponevac.com Dave

    I have installed myself one of these high tech security devices. It says BEWARE OF DOG. I found out that it does not even scare the cats.

  • http://blab-o-rama.home.att.net Beerzie Boy

    SANS-SERIF? Are you sure that doesn’t infringe on somebody’s rights? This IS California, you know.

  • Carrie

    I second April in praise of your ability to turn a nuisance into entertainment.

    If it were my building, I would cut the ropes, and just so no one would misinterpret it as random vandalism, leave a sign explaining WHY I cut them. Something subtle, like “Use your keys, you lazy muthas.” That has a nice, neighborly ring to it, right?

  • http://www.islandindigo.com Cindi

    Come to SLC where we don’t even lock our front doors!

  • http://www.aubreysabala.com Aubs

    Can we heretofore ban the use of the word ‘panties’? (Which still makes me cringe even writing it…) Let’s say ‘underwear of the women’s variety’ from now on, k?

  • http://www.hornbell.com Clark

    Once someone in my building didn’t lock the door to our laundry room and when I went to check on my clothes there was a homeless guy sleeping in an area no bigger than a bathtub. I’m super manly but I think I squealed and ran away.

  • http://www.thesafeword.com/daily/kerry Kerry

    Really, the best security system is a few strategically placed piles of Chuckles poop.

  • http://www.moviepoopshoot.com/wrestling/index.html deuce

    actually, it’s not the homeless people on the roof who i worry about. it’s the opossums in the laundry room.

  • Craniac

    Move to SLC. Home of an exploding Meth plague and gangs composed of transplanted Tongans and Samoans.

  • http://mervis.blogspot.com Mervis

    THe sign on my neighbor’s front lawn. “Leaving your dog’s mess is an indictment of your dirty character.” It is so difficult not to arrange little bits of dog poop in the shape of heart on the lawn.
    And the sign says long haired freaky people need not apply.