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Cardio

When Jon and I were living in Los Angeles so very long ago we tortured ourselves three times a week by running a public staircase in Santa Monica. I think I’ve talked about the staircase before, but in case I haven’t or in case you care, I’ll tell you that there are 175 stairs on [...]

Even their Dog is Mormon

Now wait a minute, people. I knew about the cold weather and the liquor laws and the dry air, so dry that by 3am every morning the pointy boogers in my nose form a barricade so impenetrable the airflow through my body is involuntarily re-routed through my mouth in one harrowingly gigantic gasp for life. [...]

I Don’t Know if You Knew This or Not, But…

Oh my God, I live in Utah.

Utah or Bust

So we’re packing up and getting ready to go, and Jon is leaning over the luggage trying to rearrange all of our tall clothing. And my five year old niece is just standing there behind Jon taking everything in and looking a tad confused when she looks at me, looks back at Jon hunched over [...]

Qualifying for Pacific Northwestern Citizenship

Now, I know I’m supposed to be talking about the trip and giving details about how beautiful it is in Seattle and all that sort of thing. And I’ll go ahead and do that, I’ll let you know that Seattle is absolutely breathtaking, especially in sunlight. I’ve been here four times and this is the [...]

I Didn’t Know They Had Sunshine in Seattle

Friday morning after spending the equivalent of an unemployment check on new music at Amoeba, we slowly took off toward Oregon along the Pacific Coast Highway. A roadsign right outside San Francisco said “Fort Bragg 155 miles.” Seven hours later we passed a sign that said “Fort Bragg 45 miles,” and although we’d decided we [...]

A Brief Respite in San Francisco

So we’re here in the anti-LA, stayed the night with some friends in the Richmond near Golden Gate Park, and it’s wet outside, which my skin totally loves but my hair is totally angry, and it’s revolting in large brillo patches. We were supposed to leave early this morning and head up to who-knows-where in [...]

Leaving Los Angeles

So Chuck is sitting in front of the living room window, the only place in the apartment not covered by a box or a huge nugget of dust, and that perma-worry wrinkle on his forehead has grown the size of the continental divide, and he’s like, what the fuck are you people doing? And I’ve [...]

Just a Few of the Very Important Things I Learned While Living in Los Angeles

- There are two types of orgasms: wasabi orgasms and warm French fry orgasms. While there may be several sub categories, like the Double Quarter Pounder with cheese Supersized� orgasm, they all fall under those two types. – White girls should wear sunscreen. (“White Girls Should Wear Sunscreen” is going to be the first single [...]

Certifiably Not Nice, Just Plain Mean

Certifiably Not Nice, Just Plain Mean