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Some of the Celebrities other than Shannon Elizabeth and Giovani Ribisi I have Encountered While Living in Los Angeles

Note: Jon and I will be leaving Southern California on Friday, so pardon the next few posts while I reminisce about living in this big, bad, botox-laden Promised Land. Calista Flockhart on San Vicente Blvd in Brentwood pushing her son in a stroller. She’s extraordinarily and not surprisingly tiny, yet she can push a stroller [...]

November 18, 2002

Because a Set of Highlights From a Certified Professional Costs $140

I used to date a guy who in a previous life was an unknown Greek philosopher. Although that may sound fascinating, and it was for 30 seconds, I’m here to testify that one rhetorical genius in a relationship is too many. He was very good at thinking, but had a very difficult time doing, especially [...]

Here in the Three Two Three

Jon and I spent the entire day yesterday helping our neighbors move their two-bedroom apartment into a storage space, a storage space on the second floor of a winding storage building with elevators operational only with 10 digit access codes. What we thought was going to be a two-hour rush of heavy wooden objects and [...]

Good Gracious Eyebrowacious

So the weather expert people, including the inimitably booby Jillian “Water Bra” Barberie, told us that actual weather would hit the Southland sometime today. Note: whenever they call Southern California the “Southland” I want to take a fork to someone’s water bra, it’s that infuriating. There’s not a thing Southlandish about Southern California. Not a [...]

November 8, 2002

Curbside Pick-Up/Fuck Factory (DVD) Double Feature!

So Jon and I have met several hundred people in the neighborhood simply by walking Chuck an average of 14 times a day, and although I don’t remember any of their names, or more specifically can’t remember, because the only thing I learned in college was how to forget things like people’s names, I remember [...]

At Least Our Very Large, Very Threatening Dog Will Protect Us

So the landlord came by last week and suddenly realized that the secure building we’re all paying to live in isn’t necessarily a traditionally “secure” building. In fact, the secure building we’re all paying to live in happens to be the same secure building several homeless people are using as a home base of sorts, [...]

Oh, Lordy

When Jon and I first started dating we made each other promise that 1) we’d never go back to the Mormon church and 2) we’d never live in Utah again. It’s safe to say that if you don’t do one of these things, you won’t likely do the other one. Mormons are Utah. Utah is [...]

Penisary Contact With the Volvo

Today’s post has nothing to do with that title, it’s just I can’t get that phrase out of my head. Sometimes it’s the word “avuncular” or “gesticulatory” or “bukkake Asian facial.” Last week I couldn’t stop singing The Osmond’s “Pine Cones And Holly Berries” from The Osmond Family Christmas. But the Osmonds have nothing to [...]