• http://brittney.pitas.com brittney

    Renee have boobs?

  • http://translucent.nu Katie

    The scary thing about rollerskating rinks is the fact that they still play the same music from 15 years ago. You feel like you’ve never left. Except for the fact that you can’t believe you actually skate around in a circular motion all night without being bored out of your mind.

  • http://www.paulgutman.net Paul Gutman

    I went to an all-boys school, so going with someone at the jungle gym was tough. I do remember, however, skating in a macho fashion to Fleetwood Mac’s 1987 classic “Little Lies.”

  • http://funtime.studiom11.com Funtime Ben

    I’m sure RenÈe’s super-hero totally sucked anyway.

  • http://www.bloody-hell.com/ Cory

    I knew a Robbie once. He sat bare-assed on bubble gum. It took him a pair of scissors and Gumbyesque joints to remove the offending Bubblicious. He was twenty-five and liked to draw superheros.

  • http://www.geocities.com/yahmdallah/ Yahmdallah

    My first girlfriend wrote me an “I Like You” note which specifically pointed out that she didn’t LOVE me, but just liked me a lot. If I still had that thing, I’d frame it. It was a masterpiece of loving equivocation.

  • B

    Superhero Dooce are u gonna share those drawings someday to all of us?

  • http://aprilgem.com/log April

    You have such a unique way of describing what is normally so mundane. Totalitarian AND imperialistic? I will never look at freckles the same way again.

  • http://arielmeadow.com/electrolicious Ariel

    The first time I heard about “going together,” it was from a friend in fifth grade.

    Her: I’m GOING with Josh.
    Me: Going where?
    Her: [scoffs] You know. GOING.
    Me: …To the bathroom?!

    That was the dirtiest thing my 10 year old mind could comprehend.

  • Zan

    Yikes – the skating rink – oh so many memories of Fleetwood Mack and Blondie songs and that good ol’ “shoot the duck” manuver we had to learn in order to win free passes and soda.

    Then I remember bringing rollerblades to the rink and getting verbally acosted by the Patrick Swazye lookalikes, the wanna-be-tough, rink refs for having wheels that allowed me to go so much faster than they could go that I was kicked out of the rink.

    I never went back.

    But I still have the rollerblades.

  • darsella

    why did you and robbie have to stop going together?

  • http://notsograceful.blogspot.com anna #2 (there is another anna, right?)

    one of the most humiliating things that has ever happened to me was when i was in fifth grade and i was equally in love with two different boys who just happened to be best friends (a habit i unfortunately didn’t grow out of for many years thereafter) and somehow they found out and decided that they would both ask me to “GO” with them at the same time one day after school.

    it was also april 1st, and the gales of laughter and simultaneous chorus of ‘april fooooooools!” that followed their perfectly planned social execution still rings in my ears to this day.

    i can, however, roller skate backwards.

    take that, ya’ bastards.

  • http://www.dooce.com dooce

    Robbie and I had to stop going together because his very Baptist mother found out that he was going to the monkey bars with a very Mormon 10-yr old, and she thought I might try to convince him to start storing wheat in his attic.

    So, officially, I blame the Baptists.

  • http://www.morethandonuts.blogspot.com KDunk

    i think this web site kicks my fucking ass. well done.

  • http://queserasera.blogspot.com Sarah B.

    When I went home in 4th grade and told my parents I was going with Matt B., my dad got very concerned and said, “Going where?”

    He was totally Baptist too, only his mom worked for Planned Parenthood, and he had 7 sisters and every single one of them got pregnant before finishing high school, so I totally got the pick of the litter with old No Thumb.

  • http://www.filteringcraig.com Craig

    I usually avoid trying to remember things from this far back, because even today they embarrass me. Even though I am thinking to myself and nobody else probably remembers, I get embarrassed.

  • http://queserasera.blogspot.com Sarah B.

    Just kidding about calling him old No Thumb.

  • http://convivial.blogspot.com Heather #2

    They still play the same music?! I’m so going roller skating this weekend!

    Dude, Anna “#2″. You can’t do that with your name. Let’s call you Dos Anna, or Anna Squared or Anna II.

    I’m feeling a little “out of the spotlight” when you add the “#2″, and I hate feeling “out of the spotlight”.

  • http://thebachelor.warnerbros.com/ allisonic

    My rival in elementary school/junior high is now living in the same po-dunk town, 50 lbs. overweight, and working at Bojangles. Oh yeah.

  • http://thebachelor.warnerbros.com/ allisonic

    Oh, my fucking two-faced scheming whore-bitch cheerleader was Beth Keatley.

  • http://www.antisocialdiva.com antisocial diva

    “two-faced scheming whore-bitch”

    they always are.

  • http://punkly.com kate

    Did you people really say, “going with?” Nerds.

  • Janna

    Slightly off topic, Dooce, but is your new picture thing supposed to be something? Maybe this is because you post about poop a lot, but it looks to me like an off-kilter large intestine. Or maybe the stomach-duodenum pair. Nice.

  • http://notsograceful.blogspot.com anna jr.

    heather #2 – how about anna jr.?

    will that work?

    i totally understand by the way.

  • http://www.nobodysdoll.com Kirstie

    My 4th grade love interest, R.J., ditched me in favor of some little ho named Kimmy (by which I mean, he stopped holding hands with me in the lunch line and started holding hands with Kimmy, instead), and when I (outraged!) confronted him about it, he told me very earnestly that he had decided he didn’t want to marry me anymore, he wanted to marry Kimmy, but he would still, you know, take me out to football games and stuff.

  • http://www.kevynnmalone.blogspot.com Kevynn Malone

    My first girlfriend collected dead moths in her pencil box.

  • http://www.mediasparkles.com/blog Vera

    In 7th grade, luck would have it that my class went to the ice skating rink with the 8th grade class that my boyfriend Daniel was in. Oh, the excitement. I was convinced that my teacher knew about my undying love for Daniel, and that’s why we were going with his class. Unfortunately, Daniel, like Brock, was the imaginary kind of boyfriend, so I had to resort to telling dirty jokes in the back of the bus to get his attention. Needless to say, we never went together. Anywere.

  • http://www.aubreysabala.com aubs

    My first ‘going with’ experience was with Ethan Foster, the hunka hunka burnin’ 3rd grade love who called me and asked me to ‘go with’ him after the whole ‘accompany dad to the barber shop, spin around in the chair too much such that they asked me what I wanted to do with my hair, thus ending up with a mullet’ debaucle. (which, for the record, made my mom shriek, cry, call her gay hairdresser and the only salvation was to chop off the remaining mullet, leaving me with a parted-in-the-middle short Mary Lou Retton ‘do with feathered sides.) Anyhoo, apparently Ethan LIKED Mary Lou and thus asked me to go ‘with’ whereas I, while being completely smitten with said Mr. Foster, told him ‘no’ repeatedly on the phone while he asked ‘why? why?’ and cried. Denying my own love just because I was afraid to tell my parents I liked boys just yet.
    What a wimp I was.

  • http://bearclau.diaryland.com bearclau

    I remember the first time I got ‘asked out’. I was in the 5th grade and Brian Vanderstreet called me. He was in the other 5th grade class, but we hung out on weekends because our younger brother/sister played soccer on the same team together.

    Anyway, he called me and asked, “So, you wanna go out with me?”

    Me, like the dumbass I was and didn’t understand the question, replied “Go where? I don’t know. My mom probably won’t let me.”

    To which Brian answered, “Urrr…ok…???”

    The next day I found out that he asked out two-faced scheming whore-bitch Dawn Stevens. And when I finally realized what ‘going out’ meant, I became obsessed and wanted Brian even more.

  • Otter

    Land of the Lost and Saved by the Bell in the same childhood? Wasn’t Chaka like from the 70s and Screech from the 80s?

  • http://footinmouthdisease.blogspot.com Naaman #2

    Dude, the rink was the hot place to scope chicks. The best approach: Wait for them to sit at the snack counter with a soda, then go really fast, jump and slide across the railing on your butt so that you stop right in front of them. Then offer to buy them a Slurpee. Worked like a charm.

    P.S. I hated “Red Rover” on skates.

  • http://thepropagandist.com the propagandist

    i still have the restraining order my very first girlfriend gave me.

  • http://convivial.blogspot.com Heather #2

    Anna Jr. is so beautiful. Thanks. I think the world may now resume its rotation.

    Naam – you are such a brat. I’m telling mom on you.

  • http://www.jenandtonic.ca jen

    It was too hard to rollerskate while wearing skin tight Roadrunner jeans that I had to lie on the bed to do up with a coat hanger. So I mostly just waiting for Naaman to buy me a Slurpee at the snack bar.

  • http://www.brochspot.com/blog Broch

    Oh my God, you had an imaginary boyfriend named Brock??? my life is now complete. Who would have thought that anyone else had heard of the name!!!

  • http://aprilgem.com/log April

    Broch, dear, *every* girl had an imaginary boyfriend named Brock. Well… except me. Mine was Brett.

  • Angelique

    Her name: Suzanne Smith
    Her title: Scheming-Whore-Bitch
    Her offense: she stole my first boyfriend, Steven Galati because she had the only inground pool on the block, and we were still frolicking in the sprinkler at our house. -bitch-
    she turned out to be fat, stopped growing taller regardless of her ever increasing mass, and got pregnant by some loser in town at age 17.
    BAH!!!
    and then there was Geoff Souder. My first Kiss. his mother made him leave me when i tried to engage her in conversation on her thoughts on Confuciousism at the age of 12. they were christian. and because i would call and leave a message on his answering machine sunday mornings while he was at church, she thought i was in with the devil. He is now the same height as when we were 13, he has acne scars and has yet to be married.
    you know, i am typically impatient, but on certain occasions i can wait for kharma to kick in. in the end, the kharmatic gavel will eventually fall.
    dooce, damn the man.
    awesome post.

  • http://www.halfass.com scotty the body

    Wow. great story. all of this talks of first made me think a bit… and I just realized that my first real everything happened on the same day (with the same person, for that matter0. hmmm…

    i started late, but I hopefully managed to make up for lost time before I tied the knot.

  • kath

    My first crush, cute little red-haired Ronald, in 4th grade, used to give me all kinds of good stuff like pencils and cookies, and, most precious, a 1964 Kennedy half dollar. Brand new, please note. God I’m old. Then he and his bulldog faced friend Brad came to my house one afternoon and I wouldn’t let them in because I had just come home from ballet class and I still had on a leotard and tights. Pink. End of romance.

  • http://www.odessastreet.net lee

    Dude, I was 5’10 by 14! Another freak of nature. I was almost sure I remembered reading about your astronomical height in the old Dooce site, but I wasn’t entirely positive. Yay!

    As for my first love, Tony and I started “going together” in kindergarten (I move fast, kids). This continued for years because we walked home from the bus stop together every day. I eventually moved away and that was the end of our wild childhood fling. Friends told me that when he really started “going” with someone (at 15 – six years after my move), the locals teased him about his long lost Lee Ann (me)…how could he possibly cheat on his first love? A good friend that still lived in the area at the time told me that she found a ripped up photo of me (at five years old, mind you) lying on the sidewalk behind his house a day or two after the most intense period of teasing. I guess the Tony didn’t find it so funny.

  • yesno0001

    Braless Britney: http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?
    tmpl=story2&u=/030129/
    170/3574a.html&e=8

  • speedo

    I met my future wife in skating 101 in college. She gave me two beautiful children. She is currently a two-faced, scheming, whore-bitch.
    God, I feel much better now. Thank you and have a pleasnt day.

  • http://www.digitalcatharsis.com the mighty jimbo

    i never went with anyone.

    not for lack of trying.

    the skinny little brace faced kid a full foot shorter than all the girls and a full 60 pounds lighter than all the boys doesn’t see a lot of action.

    but good lord and good genetics willing he can sure make up for it in his 30s.

    not that i would know about that.

  • http://dana.ucc.nau.edu/~lld4 Laura

    I once knew a boy in kindergarden and we were tight we would go play out in the cement tubes during recess. I moved to another school after that year, and didnt see the boy again until high school. He was so hidious. Thank god we never actually “went” together.

  • http://www.moveablebeast.com peggy

    Eddie Zellner and I “went,” in 4th grade. He didn’t care that I could run faster, and he actually liked all those violin lessons. I bet he turned out gay, too.

  • http://www.dirtyfez.com Kat

    My first boyfriend, who I referred to in secret as “Ricky” because he looked just like Ricky Schroeder, also had totalitarian freckles. I remember it so well – we were in the 5th grade, and we would hold hands and skate together at the skating rink during the slow songs. There we were, face to face, a couple of silver spoons! It was so romantic. Then his bastard dad got transferred by his evil corporate bosses to another city, and my little Ricky clone moved away. I don’t know what company he actually worked for, so I’ll just blame Microsoft.

  • http://www-personal.umich.edu/~rstarlin/unapologetics.html nessa

    yay for unsubstantiated microsoft bashing!

  • Kristine

    Glad to see you back to your regular programming, glad things are going well on the searching-for-hosting side of things.

    On another subject: I totally think that nerd who Simon called the worst singer in the world was a PLANT. From his haircut to his sweater to the way he grasped at his neck when insulted — not to mention his singing. Totally fake — and that disappoints me, I mean surely there were REAL bad singers … eh?

  • http://www.turbanhead.com/mt Chaka

    Me have crush on Holly for many years. Ta & Sa always cock-blocking. Also Sleestaks give me creeps – made me soil my fur.

  • http://panajane.blogspot.com/ Jane

    The first guy who asked me out was my very affeminite neighbor. We had just spent an entire day at his grandma’s house and then his mom took us to eat McDonald’s. He asked me out in the tubelike jungle gym thing. It was so cute, but I didn’t like him and wasn’t even thinking about boys at that age so I said no (I was 10). Years later he told me that I had broken his heart. We’re still friends, though.