• http://convivial.blogspot.com Heather #2


    Fucking hilarious! (Who thinks of this shit???)

    As for me, I’ve got boobs and I know how to cook, so I guess I don’t need the relationship part. Ah, fuck. Who the hell am I kidding. Yes I do! (Why can’t we grow penises like we grow herbs? I’d fucking be set.)

  • http://funtime.studiom11.com Funtime Ben

    “Who thinks of this shit???”

    The Japanese, they have keyboard equivalents for everything.


  • Tremorr

    In one of his essay collections, David Sedaris (of NPR fame) describes a hilarious prank his sister (the actress Amy Sedaris from Strangers with Candy) played on their father who was of a similar mindset. Unnaturally obsessed with his daughers’ looks, father Sedaris was shocked one xmas season when Amy shows up with a GARGANTUAN ass. Unknown to him, she was wearing half of a fat suit. Hilarity ensues.

  • http://www.injust-spring.com Alex

    Oh my god! I love that story. Here is the link for those who want to read it:

    If I were a gay man, my mission in life would be to make David Sedaris mine *sigh*

  • Tremorr

    Thanks for posting the link, Alex. David Sedaris rules, and his essay “A Plague of Tics” has made me much more tolerant of my marvelous-but-becoming-rather-peculiar 6 year old son.

  • http://notsograceful.blogspot.com anna jr.

    i wish i had smaller boobs.
    and that i was a better cook.

    although my cooking is good enough that i eat too much of it – thus contributing (by means of all over layer of padding) to the size of my aforementioned boobs.


  • http://swirlspice.blogspot.com Irk

    Hey, if you got it flaunt it. Preferably, flaunt both at the same time.

    And while we’re talking David Sedaris, one of my faves is “The Rooster” in which the glory of the Fuck It Bucket is revealed. “Just say fuck it, motherfucker, and have a piece of candy.”

  • http://www.dirtyfez.com Kat

    I’m not much of a cook, and my boobs are small (but nice and perky!) I guess that’s why I hooked up with my girlfriend, she of the great rack and excellent cooking skills. It IS all about the boobs and the cooking.

  • http://njsr.org/moon moonzi

    i suppose i should just join the convent now, then.

  • Meesha

    Hmmmm….so that’s why, after I slave over a hot stove to cook a delicious and nutritious dinner, my husband “thanks” me by rubbing my boobs.

    It’s really enhanced my understanding of his behavior to know that he’s not the only one.

  • http://overflow.blogspot.com Cody

    That would be *three* things, right? Boobs and cooking?

  • http://www.angelfire.com/weird/theserendipitycore Tasha

    You know what, that makes a lot of sense. Since my boobs are 30% larger due to Depo, and I keep cooking in the communal kitchen…oh GOD! That’s why they’ve been hitting on me!

    I think I’m gonna go buy some more kitchen items and a boobs on display shirt. Right now.

  • http://volume22.blogspot.com Scott

    (oYo) I love boobs. Real ones. I can cook for myself.

  • Titular Man

    Scott’s right.
    (oYo) are better than (o)(o)
    if you know what I mean…

  • cat

    the two most important things? or the two most appreciated?
    the difference could mean a still-satisfied husband figure, when after 25 years, your boobage is hanging low and arthritis attacks your fingers.
    let us not be defined by the ephemeral, girls!

  • http://chucklehut.blogspot.com chuckles

    I saw Loni once at a doctor’s office. She nearly ran me down in a hallway. On TV the boobs are fun, but they can also be used as weapons. As for “cooking,” I always thought that was a euphimism… my sinewy pan-flipping forearms notwithstanding…

  • Kristin

    I always thought if you had nice boobs, someone else would cook for you…that’s why I missed out on all those Italian mom-aunt-grandma sessions in the kitchen when I was little. ;)

  • http://aprilgem.com/log April

    Good gawd. Why am I picturing Robin Williams’ boobs catching fire over a hot stove?

  • Kristin

    Oops, that sounded like I was dissing my female family members…not so. I just meant I thought I was pretty set in the chest department!

  • http://www.geocities.com/yahmdallah/ Yahmdallah

    If cooking and having boobs were all that mattered, Paul Prudhomme and Dom DeLuise would be everyone’s dream spouse. I think we’re overlooking brains and vaginas here. Not to mention beer, but real men can get their own damn beer.

  • http://fearthesun.com Tian

    what if the man is the cook….is it about the package and cooking?

  • http://savedbyzero@hotmail.com Sheila

    I’ve rarely seen brains & vaginas on the same menu. Especially after guys have comsumed said beer.

  • http://www.owensoft.net owen

    your father may not be very wise but he has a point worth nothing.

  • Edsmonkey

    *wonders if anyone can cool with their boobs*

  • edsmonkey

    Er, cook I mean.

    Obviously I am typing with my boobs…..

  • http://www.owensoft.net owen

    edsmonkey can’t cook

  • http://larue.blogspot.com Summer

    Allright, allright already. I’ve got the boobs, I’ve got the cooking thing… shit, I’ve even got the flat stomach… where’s the man in this equation already??? Any takers?

  • Summer

    I guess I should also mention that fair’s fair and my guy should most definately NOT have boobs but it is ok if he can cook… there’s nothin’ sexier than that.

  • Tommy

    it’s ALL about the boobs and the cooking.

  • Nikki

    Damn, I have neither cooking skills or boobs. I’m screwed…

  • bucci

    dooce, did you go back and add nipple shadow to the gobs of gigs or am i seeing things?

  • http://www.toonstudio.com.au/blog Cartoonist

    My fiance’s boobs are like a dead heat in a zeppelin race. Which makes it hard for her to see what she is cooking. But the food still tasted great, she just gets to wear some of it as well.

  • http://www.odessastreet.net lee

    I liked Scott’s comment. “I can cook for myself.” So refreshing to hear a man say that, even if it was preceded by a boob comment.

  • Natasha

    I neither have much in the way of boobs nor do I cook much more than spaghetti, but my fiance loves me anyway. As he told me when I read this to him, he said, “Oh, honey–it’s about YOUR boobs and cooking, as minimal as both may be!” Gotta love a man with the ability to joke at your expense but say it so sweetly that you can’t help but laugh.

  • http://planetbrent.com Brent

    Makes lots of sense to me. Species propagation needs hardly more than food and sex! So, yeah, they’re damned important!

  • http://blogs.salon.com/0001889/ MonkeyPeaches

    Are you sure your father was refering to cooking in the kitchen?

  • http://www.geocities.com/malisa_evans Malisa

    Shit! No wonder I’m still single. And I thought there was something wrong with me.

  • http://www.kevynnmalone.blogspot.com Kevynn Malone

    It’s about cooking topless.

  • http://shyeyes.org shy

    i’ve got to agree with the boys… (oYo) are better than (o)(o). but… they’re better then (.Yo) or (0Yo). perky is nice too… (*Y*)

  • http://www.thetrailerpark.org slackjaw

    Well once again the Autralians have beaten us Americans to the punch.

    Nigella Lawson
    has both the boobs and the cooking show…I just can’t figure out how we didn’t come up with this first!

  • slackjaw

    that didn’t work… here you go…


  • http://www.nicoledale.com my name’s not dirty . . .

    it’s true. all a girl needs in life are boobs, a smile, a brain, and perhaps a warm burrito.
    by the way, my (oYo) took the blue ribbon at the tri-county fair last year. giddyup.

  • http://www.macrostate.com MACROSTATE

    it’s really just about the boobs. if the boobs can cook then, it’s a bonus

  • poop on a stick

    I love my gf boobs but her cooking is something much less desireable, i guess that is y I do the cooking…
    Unfortunatly I don’t quite have the rack…

    So what about Paper money donations????? I am not one to give my money to either AMazon or Paypal?
    Is there a donation PO BOX or sumpthang…..
    dag yo!!!!

  • http://www.incae.edu The Inmate

    I can’t believe nobody’s hit on Summer yet. She’s allegedly got the boobs, the cooking and even throws in a flat stomach!
    I guess I should be the one to say:
    Hey, Summer. How you doin’?

  • http://www.golf-blogger.blogspot.com Billy

    And he’s only being nice to you about the cooking part.

  • http://convivial.blogspot.com Heather #2

    Ummm. LA? Lemme introduce you to the husband.

  • http://convivial.blogspot.com Heather #2

    Oooh. Inmate. She’s totally cute. We love her over at convivial.

    Hey, Dooce. You were so on my spin-the-bottle list until a certain Jackie-O reminded me of Owen. Sorry. Had to bump you. But if I could have four…

  • http://www.owensoft.net owen

    what other skills does summer have?

  • Alex The Male

    Very astute post, dooce. Although, there is a glaring omission that changes everything…the fat ass. Boobs and cooking are important…don’t get me wrong, but watching a fat ass get out of bed and jiggle it’s way to the bathroom or kitchen makes every guy wince. We always look.