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How to Charm Me

Pretend that I didn’t just back up and stick my entire foot into that open can of paint.

How to Annoy Me

Pull into the passing lane with no intention of BRINGING IT, YOU PUSSY.


The color on every wall and every door and every closet in every room except the kitchen of our new house: The color we painted the living room this weekend: The color on every surface of the kitchen, including the surely once magnificent 80-yr old wood moldings: The color we plan to use in the [...]

Feeling Guilty

For wanting a copy of the Justin Timberlake album.


If I never again see a can of paint for as long as I live it will be TOO FUCKING SOON.


Cereal boxes lie, but Carmen keeps it real


One of a Kind

Feeling Guilty

For acting like I don’t know what happened to the bologna, when just an hour ago I ate the entire package of bologna.

How to Charm Me

Surprise me with an advance copy of the new Radiohead album. It’s like Christmas!