Animals I Enjoy Imagining
Last night I had a dream that I gave birth to a 15lb baby boy through my belly button. He came out feet first wearing matching little blue sneakers and a plaid fishing hat, and the whole labor was entirely painless. I just pulled him out by the sneakers, and plop, there he was. I [...]
Today is the first day in over a week that I have been able to walk around and perform normal human procedures without wanting to puke my spleen through my nose, and you’d think I had taken several shots of ecstasy what with the smile on my face and lilt in my step. I’d forgotten [...]
Sign up for a reality television show and then complain about the situations you’re being put in. You’d better eat those cow intestines with a smile on your face, motherfucker.
Wiggle your fingers in glee as we discover we scored tickets to Radiohead!
For blaming my husband’s sperm on the fact that I’m so sick I can’t eat bologna. HE DID THIS TO ME!
I still think Martha Stewart could kick Bob Vila’s ass any day of the week.
What has to be the most disappointing album in recent history, Liz Phair: Liz Phair. No, seriously, I know I’m pregnant and all, but it’s so bad that I’m crying.
So I’ve picked up a few books and assorted reading materials here and there on the topic of pregnancy because I thought that maybe if I had a little scientific insight into what is happening to my body I might be able to stave off what I’ve heard referred to as first-trimester jitters. Many women [...]
The Bird Machine