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Thinking

If stubbing toes were an olympic sport, you’d be hard pressed to find anyone who could out-stub The Armstrongs from the USA in the international couples freestyle.

Feeling Guilty

For sticking masking tape on all four of my dog’s feet and laughing as he flailed his legs in horror. I feel so bad that I’m only going to do it a couple more times so that I can get it on video.

How to Charm Me

Resist the natural urge to be horrified as I eat my serving, your serving, and the entire country of Uruguay’s serving of refried beans at dinner.

How to Annoy Me

(After it was brought to my attention by my lovely neighbor Kelly) Use the word “methinks” in actual conversation, as in, “methinks you are a totally annoying fuckwad.” Last time mechecked, the only people who should be using that word are three-yr old kids who don’t know how to conjugate verbs.

Snap, Crackle, Pop

I have tried so hard not to become the stereotypical pregnant woman, someone dressed in sunflower-patterned jumpsuits who stuffs her face with pickles and vanilla ice cream, someone who embodies the target market for Carl’s Jr. six-dollar burger commercials, but yesterday I found myself talking out loud to a pan of rice krispie treats and [...]