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Things in the Past Week That Have Brought Me to Uncontrollable, Blubbering Tears

The finely orchestrated piece of crap otherwise known as the finale to “Joe Millionaire.” The look on my dog’s face when I took away his bone last night. The delicate beauty of a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup. The moment we realized that the bed sheet we bought at Target was too small to fit the [...]


I love living in a state where my tits have rights.


Penelope Illustration

Hester Prynne

This morning I woke up only to find that I had outgrown yet another piece of clothing, a pair of pants I bought three months ago that was four sizes bigger than the pants in my non-pregnant wardrobe. This leaves me with exactly four items of clothing that I can actually wear, including a pair [...]

How to Charm Me

Inform me in a tender, diplomatic way, with only the slightest urge to question whether or not I actually graduated from college, that there is no such word as trajesty.

How to Annoy Me

Send me an email telling me that it’s inappropriate to write about hemorrhoids on my website. Um, have you seen my website?

The Hemorrhoid That Ate Manhattan

Over the past six and a half months I have been keeping a written record of my pregnancy on this website in the hopes that I will have a better idea of what is going to happen to my body when I go through pregnancy a second or third or God forbid ninth time. Hearing [...]


The Ulysses Project

Feeling Guilty

For willingly participating in Chocogasm 2003: chocolate brownie, chocolate pudding, peanut M&M’s. All in one bowl. Eaten in less than three minutes, after 11pm.


Grandaddy: Sumday