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Number of pregnant, stress pimples that have sprouted on my forehead since Friday night: 4 Description of alien being trying to escape those pregnant, stress pimples: green, scaly, with an amphibious disposition Number of 50W halogen spot lights we installed in the kitchen ceiling yesterday: 8 Number of lights after which I wanted to give [...]

33 Weeks, Photo Collection: I Love You, Wood Floors

The first thing I did last night when I walked into our house after living for four days in a place where the most technologically advanced piece of hardware was an indoor toilet was turn on the TV and press PAUSE. For the next 45 minutes I pressed PAUSE and then PLAY over and over [...]


If your husband can’t troubleshoot an Epson printer and wire an outlet for a dishwasher, you might want to think about getting your money back.

December 2003


TMN Roundtable: New Fathers

The Armstrong Wood Floor Prepping Disaster

For the next four days Jon and I are living once again in my mother’s basement as the wood floors in our kitchen are being refinished. When we walked into her house last night the smell of defeat and fatigue and doom enveloped us like an old toxic friend; it was exactly a year ago [...]

How to Charm Me

Ask me, “Aunt Heather, how do you spell TV?”

Feeling Guilty

For telling my five year old nephew that Santa Claus is a fundamentalist Islamic terrorist.

How to Annoy Me

Warn me that I “ain’t got no idea the suctioning power of an infant.” Like I didn’t have enough to worry about already.


America on the Move