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How to Annoy Me

Turn on a “Wiggles” video and leave me alone with your 4-yr old, you heartless, cruel monster.

How to Charm Me

Hug me before you hug the dog even though he’s so excited you’re finally home from work that he’s jumped up on your back and wrapped his paws around your head.

Feeling Guilty

For taking “Real World: Las Vegas” way too seriously.

Reading

God Finally Gives Shout-Out Back To All His Niggaz

Enjoying

Escalate

Thinking

I shouldn’t admit publicly that I used to think “period pieces” were movies about menstruation.

Armstrongs are American, too

So the world is just a piece of crap and this war continues to make no sense and families are being destroyed as Dan Rather sits smugly from the safety of his make-up chair. The fucking dog across the street will not stop barking, and I really can’t blame him because I’d bark all day [...]

How to Annoy Me

Smell my dog’s feet and then gag loudly. What the hell did you expect, mother?

How to Charm Me

Suggest that the reason one of the men on “Married by America” is so grumpy is because “he isn’t getting any in the pooper.”

Feeling Guilty

For using the words “dry-hump” in association with Granny.