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How to Annoy Me

Sit next to me in traffic with your windows down blasting Kenny Loggins “Danger Zone” and bop your head in rhythm with the guitar.

How to Charm Me

Assure me that my family really is insane and that it’s not just me.


The Pentagon’s New Map (not because I necessarily agree with this, it’s just an interesting read)


The Postal Service: Give Up

Feeling Guilty

For making up excuses not to floss, including the one where I tell myself that gingivitis is just a myth made up by the government so that we’ll be scared and support the war.


You know they mean business in Iraq when they preempt American Idol.

Chuck Talk

I know it’s at least an hour before your alarm usually goes off, but I want out of here, not for any particular reason, not because I have to use the bathroom, because I don’t, and when you let me out I’m just going to sit there idiotically. I just want to be out there. [...]

A Necessary List of Things That Scare Me Shitless

opossums flying cockroaches denim couches acrylic nails gold lam� tornadoes Andy Rooney tabasco Arkansas black ice anything under the hood of a car exercise balls swamps TRL Ross Dress For Less short, stubby toes gigantic panties Code Red Mountain Dew eels wicker treadmills club soda prunes penciled eyebrows berets lizards glass elevators mushy peas baloons [...]

March 19, 2003

How to Charm Me

Don’t freak out when the heat from my sleeping body singes the hair off your chest and begins cooking your internal organs.