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Surprisingly, being pregnant has done nothing for my complete and total aversion to anything two-years old, snotty, and prone to repeating “ball” over and over and over again.


Clem Snide: Soft Spot


Happy Birthday Poems for an Ex-Boyfriend

Tree-less in Memphis

A week ago I received a harrowing email from my father about a violent wind and rain storm that wreaked total havoc on the entire metropolitan Memphis area: “We had gale force winds Tuesday all over Shelby County. Nelta [my step-mother] and I were sitting at the breakfast table at 7:15a.m. She looked up and [...]

Happy Birthday Peanut Butter!

Today is my darling husband’s thirty-something-something birthday. He has to work today, but if he didn’t I would make him bacon all day long and let him talk about new Mac applications without interruption. Then I would cut up bananas into little slices and sprinkle sugar on the top, because that’s what his mother used [...]

Free Refills on Breadsticks!

There was a relatively brilliant moment in ABC’s last installment of “The Bachelor” when the bachelor, Andrew Firestone, and a contestant named Amber were sitting at a romantically lit dinner table searching painfully for something to talk about. It seemed like just another of the hundreds of awkward moments specific to this reality series, moments [...]


Photography by Sacha Dean Bïyan


TIVO was made so that you can rewind “Entertainment Tonight” and watch Beyoncé’s ass jiggle in slow motion.

How to Charm Me

Warn me before you fart. It’s the simple things, really.

How to Annoy Me

Describe my belly as “poochy.” I’d describe your social graces as “lacking.”