It’s a girl! 20 years from now in some chilly doctor’s office littered with scary abstract art and old issues of Newsweek, my daughter is going to ask her therapist how she could have possibly had a normal life when it all began with her mother posting pictures of her private parts ON THE INTERNET. [...]
Bishop Allen: Charm School
If the baby in my womb has its legs crossed during tomorrow’s ultrasound, I am totally going to put him/her into a time-out.
Ask me a question from the other room and keep repeating it even though I can’t hear you. I know I do this, too, but it’s not annoying when I do it.
Forgive me for calling you at work when I’m right in the middle of peeing.
Commands my dog understands: Sit. Stay. Down. Roll. Come. Shake paws. Stop licking the couch. No more cheese. No. No, no, no, no, NO. Uuuhhh, uh. Uhhhhh, uh. UHHHHH, UH. Don’t tell Papa I gave you this. Zip it. Wait… wait… I SAID WAIT. Oh God, stop it, that is so sick. Kisses! Commands my [...]
For the level of panic I experienced when I thought for a few seconds that the TiVo hadn’t recorded last week’s episode of “Temptation Island.”
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