• Blues

    Him: “We need these Flash galleries up in two days.”
    Me: “We don’t have the Macromedia Flash software.”
    Him: “Can’t you hand-code it?”

  • http://www.opinios.com mattymcg

    Passing my boss in the hall once, he said to me “I really liked your presentation!”

    This might be seen as positive feedback, only the presentation he was referring to, I gave 6 months ago! It was about the company web site redesign that I did ON MY OWN TIME, that has since tripled traffic coming to the site.

    Of course they were less than enthusiastic about it all until the results started showing that what I did was worthwhile. Now I’m the golden child…

  • Adrienne

    “Just curious, but have you ever had a lesbian encounter?” and “Oohh, you’re feet are so tiny, what size are they?” (They’re 8′s (ahem), and yes, same guy).

  • http://raptor.slc.edu/~kindle kindle

    Oh, just remembered something that happened to a friend of mine. She was trying to apply at a Hot Topic (she had reached rock bottom finding a job, and decided to dig). The first time she showed up for her interview the manager asked with a smile “Why are you late?” Friend explains she had trouble finding parking. Manager says “Well you’re 10 minutes late, we’ll have to reschedule.”

    Second time Friend shows up for interview Manager again asks why she’s late. Friend looks at her watch and said she’s not late, she exactly on time, and she hauled ass to do so. Manager looks at the store clock and says “Well you’re three minutes late, we’ll have to reschedule.”

    I wonder if it was really a test, like how the Karate kid had to do tasks unrelated to training until he bitched about it and found out that he’d been learning all along.

    I think the Manager was just a bitch.

  • http://dev.freeverse.com/blogs/kerewin/ kerewin

    Recently: Sitting down for a perfomance appraisel/plea-for-a-raise with my boss, which I had to iniate. I detailed all the extra duties I had picked up in the last year, that the former manager never did. Boss to me, “well, that’s not outside of the expectations of your job.”

    Noooooo….apparently they were just outside of the expectations of the former, better-paid manager.

    Much less recently: When waiting tables at a high-end restaurant, I was standing, back to restaurant, in the wait station talking to the other waiters. A manager walks up behind me, and apparently really needing to talk to the waiters, decides to quiet me by putting an arm around my shoulders, to keep me from moving and a hand over my mouth. I get chills just thinking about it.

  • robin

    Some of the comments above make me embarassed to be a man. It seems that so many men are scum, especially when in positions of power and/or influence.

    I suspect we have, amongst others, the Victorians (as in Queen Victoria, not Canadians, people from Wellington or Australia) to blame for this.

  • Mr Bungle

    One time at work, my boss was quite drunk and was staggering around the room, then he looks at me and goes.

    “I know, that you know, that I know, you want to f— me in the ass. So when I bend over and grab my ankles, start f—in’.”

  • http://www.livejournal.com/users/banshee melissa

    let’s just say i’ve had a few doozies – most notably my last employer (now, fortunately, i get to stay home and peel wet cheerios off my 7-month-old son’s hindquarters). Previous Employer was an amalgam of most male chauvanist stories mentioned so far, with sexist/suggestive/rude comments so frequent they began to lose all impact whatsoever. bonus asshole points, however, for announcing we all have to take four-day weeks because ‘business is slow, it’s not my fault, it’s the terrorists’ fault’ – then going on about how he’s looking to build a real live cabin on his massive upstate property and ‘get real goats and sheep and shit’, all the while taking phone calls from helena christenson (they’re neighbors in tribeca, of course). yes, we’re all taking one for the team, buddy. oh, two examples of physical comedy – he once threw a chair across the room, breaking it in several small pieces, because he was mad. boo hoo. also amusingly, when frustrated with a client who wasn’t paying his bills, he gleefully tore every page from all of client’s books until he was buried in paper, then stuffed them in a box to mail to said client. did i mention this was in front of other clients? lovely indvidual, with a good head on his shoulders.
    in any case – leta = gorgeous. you = frequently make my day. also, not a booger. thank you.

  • starchy

    This falls into the witty comebacks category:

    Jessica, wearing a monogrammed sweater, a la Laverne and Shirley style, is sitting at her desk.

    Boss: “Does that J stand for Jew?”

    Jess, not missing a beat: “No sir. You know I’m Catholic. The J is for Jesus.”

  • jude

    Had a black-toothed british boss undo his pants in my cube and ask me to do them up again. Same charming fellow once remarked on his “big fat one.”
    Another guy at the same company asked whether I shaved my pubes and when I told him to fuck off he asked how drunk he’d have to get me to find out.

    I don’t work there anymore (surprise!), but still haven’t discovered the right answer when interviewers asked why I left.

  • Laura

    “Bend over that desk and I’ll give you your annual performance review.” I replied simply “You’d damn well better just give me a raise NOW.”

  • http://dollarshort.modblog.com Ryan

    Arrogant asshole boss turns his back to second in command and puts his arms out forming a T. A.A.B. proceeds to fall backwards, hitting his head on coworker’s desk and slamming his big butt into the floor.
    A.A.B. to Second in Command: “I’ll never trust you again!”
    Confusion and Laughter ensued after A.A.B. stormed out of the room with his tail between his legs.

  • http://www.derbidodle.blogspot.com Derbs

    A few weeks before my second sonw as born..my boss comes strolling by my desk telling me how excited he and his family was to be able to be in the birthing room when our son was born. Yes it was a total joke made up between him and my husband but hey carried it on for weeks. I cried and actually called my best friend telling her I was going to have to quit my job and divorce mu husband. The finally admitted it after weeks of talking about it. I still have to get Both of the back for thatone.

  • Veni

    I worked with the most sexist lawyer on the planet and there is just way too much to list…but the good news is that I hired myself a kick ass labour lawyer, filed a complaint, sued their asses and won. The thought still makes me smile.

  • becky the menace

    “Why that robot jerkoff motherfucker!” said in response to a subcontractor acting, well, like a robot jerkoff motherfucker.
    it’s always fun to see the straitlaced swear.

  • ericalynne

    Conversation taking place in an insurance office, somewhere in that frightening lull between September 11th and the “liberation” of Iraq.

    Him: I finally know what I want for my tattoo.
    Me: oh yeah?
    Him: Yeah…Well, um, starting up on my shoulder I want the hand of God, or the finger y’know, like, from the Sistine Chapel, but instead of the finger touching, y’know, that guy, I want…down on my arm…a big eagle, like, really big, but also behind it the American flag. And the flag’ll be, like, kinda blowing. Y’know, behind the eagle. Because of, uh, the finger down from God.
    Me: Wow.

  • http://sj.javamama.net The Sarcastic Journalist

    “Go find busy people and interview them.”

    or, my least personal favorite:

    “You’re pregnant? I figured that. You’re still getting written up anyway.”

  • http://www.lot23.com Jon

    “You look like Osama bin Laden”. (On 9/12/01)

  • Michelle

    While working at a tiny Midwest credit card company, I received responsibility for a project that wasn’t going well (responsibility meaning gathering requirements, coding, testing and approval). My boss lays a whitepaper on VISA International’s testing program on my desk, which involves several hundred people and and tons of software and hardware, the cost of which rivals the GDP of Bolivia.

    Me: Yeah, I read that article…what was that for?
    Her: Well, I just thought it might be something that we could implement in light of the current circumstances.
    Me: (long pause)
    Me: Do you remember, during my interview, I asked if you had a separate testing department?
    Her: (shaking her head with a half hearted laugh) Oh yeah, that was a total lie.

  • http://www.massdistraction.org/ Sharyn

    I’ve worked with a lot of men over the years in the tech industry…many perfectly nice, some perfectly clueless, but far too many that were perfectly disgusting. I’ve suppressed a lot of the nastier remarks but one sticks out in my mind. A conversation in the cubicle next to me, a couple of years back, between two thirty-something married men, with daughters…about how hot the Olsen Twins were. When they looked over and saw my raised eyebrow they rephrased it to “how hot they were going to be”. Ew.

  • Tim

    “Fuck you, asshole!”

    Nice way to motivate your employees, eh?

  • greebs

    Two. One, from a boss who upon finding out that I’m Jewish, and suggesting that I ask out on a date someone who worked FOR ME solely because she was Jewish (I declined), told me that I should check out Leni Riefenstahl’s films as I’d really enjoy them. It was only years later that I found out she was Hitler’s documentarian.

    The second was something my boss said to our group after several new people had joined – all women. Which is only relevant because the expression he used was “…and if my aunt had balls, she’d be my uncle.” Nice.

  • http://www.lemonlight.org Angie

    BOSS:”You should listen to me, I’ve worked for dozens of internet companies.”
    ME:”Oh really, which ones?”
    BOSS:”That’s really not important, anyhow, they’re all out of business now.”

  • http://shutyomouth.ordinarymorning.net djmofo

    I know I posted previously but how could I ever forget my boss adjusting his nuts right in front of me. Now when I say ‘right in front of me’ I mean I was sitting, he was standing right next to me at croch-to-eye-level. I’m still not over it.

    Oh and I read the history of your job loss, I know how it feels to have some anon fuckweed mess up your life. While I didn’t get fired, some fuckweed blogger “friend” decided to send my husband links to my blog that referenced an inside joke. Seeing that my husband was the outsider, the whole email made it look like I was having an affair. Needless to say I wasn’t.

    Revenge will be oh so sweet one day. :)

    Anyway, after reading the comments left by others, man, bosses are sick and twisted weirdos. I still can’t get over the whole “licking @sshole” comment/visual. *shudder*

  • danni

    I was asked to go to an island to help open a new store. When my boss wanted me in at 3AM for opening day and the ferry didn’t start running until 7AM they chose to put me in the company rented house on the island.
    Boss: Just take a taxi to the house.
    Me: what’s the address?
    Boss: I don’t know
    Me: Can you give me directions on how to get there?
    Boss: Not to sure where it is. Why don’t you flag down a police car and ask them where the (company name) House is? They get called out there all the time.

    Needless to say he was staying back on the mainland in a hotel room. The bastard.

  • http://shutyomouth.ordinarymorning.net djmofo

    I mean’t “crotch”. See? That whole visual is STILL in my mind and messing up perception and spelling skills.

  • Sam

    “Would you go apple picking with me? I know you’re wearing a short skirt and heels, and that you’d have to climb a ladder, but I’d hold the ladder for you.”

  • sheepy

    I have a million stories, but the worst I’ve heard didn’t involve me.

    My supervisor had a miscarriage at 16 weeks. She returned to work after about a week. She and I were never close, and after offering my condolences, I didn’t bring up the loss of the baby again.

    About two months later, she was in the bathroom, crying. She told me she had her annual revue, and she was given a mark of “exceeds” instead of her usual “well exceeds”. She was told it was because after the miscarriage she “wasn’t her usual perky self.”

    She quit the next day.

  • http://www.lornagrl.com lorna k

    I for one am terrified of losing my job because of my blog.

    Therefore, I almost never post about my work day, which is a shame because I would have a lot to post.

  • http://www.ofrenda.org/pho gwen

    Not *my* workplace, but my daughter came home from her public school first-grade class numerous times telling me about her teacher’s god-related hijinks (telling kids they’d go to hell if they didn’t behave, trying to entice them to do classwork with stories about heaven’s golden streets). The teacher and administration didn’t understand why this bothered me. (But she got fired halfway through the year because she hadn’t completed some credential-related paperwork. God works in mysterious ways.)

  • http://www.druhkram.com Mark Hurd

    “I know that they clicked the wrong thing and that’s why it messed up.

    Can’t you make it so the site goes to what they REALLY meant to click, instead of what they actually did? How long would that take?”

    I charge $10k/hour for a site created with telepathic-technology.

  • Foofer

    This is a toss-up. Same boss, though. He was in his 50′s, me in my 20′s. First thing was when I visited him during a long illness. He asked me if I ever had a cornstarch massage, and how he’d like to massage my ass. The next time, he called me bright and early on a.m. to bail him out of jail. He had been caught stalking an ex-girlfriend. He was my supervisor at my COURTHOUSE job.

  • another mommy

    I have been reading your site since you were pregnant with leta, and i laughed my ass off on every pregnant post.

    I just wanted to tell you something you already know, you have a beautiful daughter

    and no i’m not kissing ass

  • Bette

    Well, this happened after I’d already quit this particular job and been doing Other Things for a few years. A deputy showed up at my house to subpoena me. Apparently after I left the company in question, the company had run up a pretty huge debt with a vendor and never paid it. The vendor was looking for someone to extract money from (I’m talking thousands and thousands of dollars here), and picked me because a.) I used to be on the board of directors there, b.) all the other people at said company had moved out of the area or were otherwise hidden, and c.) my name was in the phone book. When I tracked down my former boss — I had to rack my brain for his dad’s name and call his freakin’ *dad* out of state because no one else would tell me where he was — he told me to just go in and answer whatever questions the vendor’s lawyers asked me and I’d “probably” be fine. Yeah, and if it didn’t turn out fine I’d be obligated to pay a huge debt that wasn’t even mine?? Right. I got a lawyer of my own instead, and he made it all go away, thank goodness.

  • http://www.daymented.com dayment

    “Don’t wear that nail polish again – it looks unprofessional.”
    It was red.
    RED!
    I know! Crazy!

  • http://www.spreegirl.net Ren

    This is comment #334… jeebus you’ve got a lot of readers, Dooce!

    Anyway… overheard whilst walking past the bosses office on a temp job.

    “Yeah, I’d fuck her, too bad she’s just a temp.”

    I left an hour later. I’d hate to think of what he’s done to his permanent staff.

  • http://liminalspace.blogspot.com suchin cherry

    I, at the tender age of 20, was fired because of my blog (I’ll be 21 next month). Most of the things that boss said to me were insane, but what takes the cake is this one…
    The restaurant where I was waitressing got new soda glasses that were bigger than the old ones. In a staff meeting, I remarked that they were “Beasty.”
    To this, my boss replied, “Beasty. I like that. It’s what my wife calls me in bed.”

  • Whompy

    Working at a speech recognition research lab my ceo calls me into his office yelling “our source code has been leaked onto the internet, from our own website no less!” asking him to show me where he (with confidence) whips open a browser procedes to go to our website, right clicks and selects “view source” -

  • http://www.szarvas.ca Jenn

    boss: “I told my husband that we were going shopping together after work, okay?”
    me: “?”
    boss: leaves in unidentified car with husbands best friend for hotel sexfest.

  • Kris

    Five days after my Dad died relatively suddenly, I mentioned to my boss that I now understood what post-traumatic stress disorder is like. She said, “Oh, I wondered if it was still affecting you.”

  • http://browneyed_girl2002.tripod.com/adayinthelifeof2/ Browneyed_girl

    “Oh, I didnt see you standing there until you turned sideways. You should stand sideways more often. You just look better that way.”

    What a pig!

  • http://redgreenblue.org/ Mike

    Three words: wear f*cking deodorant! Nothing gets you down like an office that smells like armpit.

  • absolutdi

    While in college, my boyfriend at the time became deathly ill without the doctors really able to figure out was going on in the grand scheme of things after an entire month of being in the hospital, losing 35 pounds, three exploratory surgeries, etc. I was a student worker on campus, and the office I worked in had this woman that was the biggest gossip fiend in the world. When she caught wind about my boyfriend’s situation, the woman would come in everyday to ask about him. At first, I thought it was very sweet of her to care, but not when she started telling me all these random horror stories about hospitals, doctor mishaps, etc that would send me into near panic attacks thinking that my boyfriend was seriously about to die on me. I guess it is sort of like all the pregnancy horrors that get told to you while you are carrying the child. The situation is out of your control, and here this person is causing you even more angst while trying to be “helpful.” Finally, my boss had to go to her, and tell her that her advice wasn’t appreciated after seeing the state they left me in. She would pop her head in and tell me about some new disease she heard of that “unfortunately was terminal, but sounded a lot like what your boyfriend had…!” Once he finally made it through, it was all I could do not to go into her office and throw every heavy object in there at her.

  • Amy

    This happened when I was very obviously pregnant with my first child. My new boss had just started and came in my office to get to know me. After sitting down and glancing at the photo on my desk of my husband and I, he said “Is that the dude who knocked you up?” I had never had a conversation with him prior to this meeting. Why I didn’t even consider suing him is beyond me…although I did enjoy the smugness of saying “You are disgusting. Get out of my office.” I didn’t lose my job and he got the idea, as he laid low for quite some time. I did leave shortly after…to pursue an enjoyable career of baby raising.

  • http://watershipdog.blogspot.com/ d

    While taking distress calls from senior citizens during an ice storm that lasted a week and knocked out power;

    “So when the attention seekers start calling…”

  • http://geocities.com/brettio73/brett_somers Cassie

    Even though I’m only a Sophomore in High School, I have had an awkward ‘boss’ moment…

    After being called into the school office during the middle of a dance a couple years back, I was told that the glowstick I had in my posession was considered drug related. I had absolutely no idea what the vice-principal was talking about so he proceeded to explain to me a detailed account of how to use the drug Ecstacy; waving the glowstick in front of his face, explaining that it would enhance your high…

    And that same year, a teacher who’s class I wasn’t even in, decided to take the P.E. teachers bullhorn and ask, repeatedly in front of the whole class to me, “who’s your daddy?” Needless to say, after calling my father, the teacher was instructed through his attorney never to speak to me again.

    Public schools are lovely, aren’t they?

  • http://www.bionicjive.org/flog Sonny Parlin

    I once had a boss tell me that the congregating of more than 5 people in our aisle is discouraged.

    Anytime that discussion took place after that, we were sure to count the number of people participating as to comply.

  • http://webcookie.net Kit

    I used to work at a trendy girls clothing store. My boss was a psychotic bitch. She always had me up front as “greeter”. The greeter’s job is to harass everyone who comes into the store by bombarding them with talk of sales and such. We weren’t even allowed to say hello, just “hey, just to let you know, jeans are on sale for only $20 [buy buy buy]“. I’m rather shy and therefore wasn’t so great at this harrassment. One night, a girl I knew and her mom came into the store, so I exchanged pleasantries with them and whatnot. My manager comes out from the back and starts screaming at me that the store isn’t making any money and that it’s my fault and that -other girl working that night- made such and such amount of money, etc, and that I need to be more outgoing and whatnot (if she knows I’m not that outgoing, WHY oh WHY stick me up in the front of the store). So, me being me, I just cried. Then my boyfriend came into the store, and I gave him a HUG because I was upset, and she flips out on me again. I took my break and tried to calm down. When I came back, my manager says to me something like “I don’t know what your problem is tonight. I don’t know if you’re trying to make me mad just so that you can go home or what. But you can’t go home; you’re here tonight.” I gave my two weeks notice the next day.

  • ccs

    in response to my calling in absent from work due to an impromptu hailstorm that closed down all major roadways:

    “next time, remember your employee handbook: we need at least a day’s notice if you won’t be here.” notice from whom, NATURE?
    —-
    in response to my complaint that a co-worker was treating me like her personal secretary:

    “she scares me, too. but i can’t fire her because she’s been here longer than i have.”

  • http://www.pineapple-girl.com pineapple

    At the end of final interview:

    Boss-to-be: Well, we really wanted to hire someone browner than you, you know, for quotas and to cover our butts with diversity police, but we’re in a real hurry and you’re qualified, so you’re hired.