• aoife

    Guinness.

    Only thing is …it comes out the same colour it goes in.

  • http://blogs.salon.com/0003115/ alyssa

    too all the colitis gals: there are two kinds. the kind that makes you poop and lose weight (not the kind i have), and the kind that makes you constipated and fat. yup, that’s the one i have. luckily, some of the ever-so-lovely colitis meds help, but nothing keeps me as regular as i was when i was a full-time smoker… sigh.

  • http://mylifetransformed.blogspot.com/ Mary Jo

    I wish I could give some great words of wisdom about poop, but alas I have none. I myself have no constipation problems, actually the opposite. As I run to the bathroom for the 4th time, I often wish I were even slightly constipated. God forbid I eat something when I’m not at home… it means a trip to the bathroom in 20 minutes or less.

    Meanwhile my boyfriend spends 20-30 minutes on the toilet. He says he doesn’t want to “push” because he might have a stroke or get a hernia. Because the death rate from pooping are extremely high, you know.

    Anyhow, YAY for comments!!!

  • http://blogs.salon.com/0003115/ alyssa

    oh, and PS. don’t believe the words on the laxative package that say, “gentle, overnight relief.” it’s anything but gentle, i’ll tell you that much.

  • http://www.quixotical.org Anna

    A close male friend is one of those fast poopers, and I feel like beating the (lack of) crap out of him every time he emerges from the bathroom in three minutes or less. I’ve also heard that one shouldn’t have to PUSH out a bowel movement; pushing too forceful, or at all, can cause hernias and other intestinal problems. I think Dr.Weil wrote that in one of his books. My fast pooping friend also rarely ever has to push (as you can tell I ask him about his pooping a lot, as he is the most amazing, and apparently healthy, pooper I ahve ever encountered). The pain meds I take cause constipation and, although I drink one to two liters of water a day and tons of fruit, sometimes I have to push so hard I CRY. The only thing that has ever helped my constipation and IBS is cutting down my consumption of dairy. I still eat yogurt regularly and cheese every once in awhile, but drink soymilk (Silk is the best brand).

    My husband and I talk about pooping all the time, and my best girlfriend and I ask each other advice on our constipation and IBS. I think a lot of couples do talk about it – nevermind the negative things people write to you in emails about your poop talk. Poop is human; poop is universal; WE ALL POOP.

  • donna doo

    Smooth Move Tea (check the health food store) has always worked for me in an emergency–the days and days of no poops. Drink a strong cup before bed and then clear your calendar for the next morning. Sometimes the accompanying cramps are killers, but worth the clean out! Hope you poop.

  • http://symbioticfishes.blogspot.com Fish

    I’ve had four comments.

    Four.

    You write “poop”, and in 6 hours you get 230.

    Shit.

  • http://www.inertially.com rob

    Edamame is a soy bean. Here’s the description from edamame.com:

    Edamame is a green vegetable soy bean, harvested at the peak of ripening just right before it reaches the hardened time. The word edamame means “Beans on Branches’, grows in cluster on bush branched. To retains the freshness and natural flavor, it is parboiled and quick frozen. In the east asia soy bean has been used over two thousand yaers as a major protein food. Edamame is consumed as a snack, as a vegetable, an addition to soups or process into sweets. As a snack, the pods are lightly boiled in salted water then the seeds are pushed directly from the pods into the mouth with the fingers.

    I’m okay with most anything but soy “milk.” It’s not milk, it’s juice. And I can’t stand to drink it because all I can think is that there’s this juice in a bean that tastes like this. Then I think about chocolate soy juice and vanilla soy juice and I throw up in my mouth a little.

  • pooh

    whew – wipes tears of hysterical laughter from eyes – this is some funny poop! my partner thinks i’m weird for how easily i crack up at anything to do with poop, but who couldn’t laugh at posts like Thel #222′s:

    “how much of a dork do I have to be that visiting a place with lots of books makes my body so excited my bowels loosen?”

    “the Laid-Back Bookstore Poopers.” sounds like a wacked out lounge act.

    ow. my stomach hurts from all this giggling. thanks dooce, your site is great poop!

  • http://kevin.inuration.com Kevin

    If I don’t get my 4 glasses of water, then I’m not gonna poop, and nothin’ I do is gonna make me. If I don’t get my 8 glasses, then I’m gonna have anus-rippage.

    Oh, and traveling seems to make everything stop up, with no anus-rippage, no stopping up of the toilet, no nuthin! .oO{Maybe I should travel more.}

  • http://www.ekkostudios.com Mark

    Dooce, I wanted to say, you are such a great person! You always make me laugh and I love what you do here. That being said I am going to watch Office Space and snuggle with my Mrs. Best wishes to you and John and little Leta.

  • Jason

    jeez… 485 comments?! i wonder how many people write tot eh new york times in a two-day period?

    anyhoo: my problem is, at the ripe young age of 24, i seem to have the bowel movements of a man twice my age. i would describe the net effect, but even the internet is not ready for graphic descriptions of a 48-year-old man’s poop. suffice to say that i spend more time “cleaning up” than waiting for something eventful to happen. cheers.

  • Anne A.

    HEY! Comments, woo! Long time reader here. Two words: Leafy greens. BROCCOLI RABE!!!! It makes the poop… happen, like zee magique!

  • marta

    Drink 1-2 glasses of water with an empty belly (before breakfast). Wait a bit before having breakfast.

    Not sure if any of the previous +400 comments already said this…

  • Rob

    I have a combination of chronic diarrhea which sometimes goes on for months and then suddenly I can’t poop if my life were to depend on it. It’s caused by a combination AIDS, HIV medication and being allergic to wheat. You would be so amazed to know how many foods contain some form of wheat. In any event I take pills daily to stop the diarrhea and then suddenly, before I realize it’s time to stop those pills, everything gets stopped up and leads to one of those “mother fucking poops of all time” about which you wrote. It gets quite confusing. My friends can usually tell which stage I’m in…during the diarrhea stage I have a nice fit, flat stomach with decent abs but during the constipation stage I look slightly pregnant, which, being a man, isn’t particularly flattering. The one saving grace in all of this is that my friends and I are all in our 40s and talking about pooping/non-pooping is perfectly acceptable after dinner conversation.

    I know this is totally not helpful…but there you go.

  • http://www.jamieandwalt.com Jamie

    Have you ever heard of salt water flushes and senna tea? Check out http://www.curezone.com. Tons of homepathic remedies that are far more gentle that most laxatives, and more predictable too! Personally, a salt water flush every few days is an quick fix for ne :)

  • ashley

    i couldnt possibly poop in 2 minutes.
    my boyfriend poops probably faster than he pees! its amazing. he walks in and walks out. im like uh i thought you had to poop… and he says he did!
    he needs to be put in the guiness book

  • http://thefelineone.diaryland.com Kat, Feline One

    It’s not just men that have the magazine-long poo. My girlfriend (it takes forever, she’s American) has it too, but then as we’ve agreed that I’m too prim to ever poo (it’s quick, I’m English) I guess we cancel each other out too. I wonder if that happens in every relationship?

    Anyway…my only advice would be to lay off the large intakes of water at a single sitting (think a bottle chugged down in a couple of minutes or a large glass swallowed quickly) because the swift intake of anything creates pressure on your lower system, hence the need to release to little or no effect. Sip your water, don’t drown in it.

    Also, caffeine creates bloating when combined with a lot of vitamin supplements and painkillers (and many weight loss drugs) which also pushes down on your system.

    I know that this isn’t really related to constipation, but it could help how you feel a little?

  • http://lunasea237.blogspot.com Lunasea

    Usually pretty regular, compared to the two men I live with. But now that I’m pregnant and can’t use alcohol right now (yes, that always helps it slide right out the next morning)…All Bran and Smooth Move tea. Watch out for the tea – it takes about 24 hours for me but when it works, IT WORKS. Raisins work on the 2-yr-old constipated male, and anxiety is the only thing that works on the 42-yr-old constipated male.

  • Erin

    I try and eat a salad everyday. This seems to help things along. I sometimes (all I do really), is the salad in a bag thing with whatever I’m eating. Roughage…seems to help produce something other than gas.

  • http://traciesmusings.blogspot.com tra

    I read here daily- and it’s a scream- and I’m with everyone else who has said that I’m in awe of the fact that there are over 200 comments trying to help you poop. The most irregular I ever was had to be when my boyfriend and I lived together- because as far as he was concerned, I never did such things- who me?

    Coffee does it for me, as does dairy products (as I’ve gotten older, I’ve gotten quite lactose intolerant)….

    Anyway, I love the site- LOVE it!

  • http://HTTP://FIBERMUSINGS.BLOGSPOT.COM Christiane

    Nuts, nuts, nuts. Eat lots of nuts. Seriously, all that fiber helps move things along. As a sufferer of IBS and constipation (it once went 14 days with nary a sign of poop) I found that eating a portion of nuts (the peanut and cashew variety, sicka$$) will help the poop train leave the station.
    Best of luck to ya!

  • Mary

    College food.

  • http://smithsinflorida.blogspot.com Karry

    Acidophilus pills.

  • http://alithinks.typepad.com/alithinks/ Alison

    Poopity poop. Or since I live in France, caca.

    I just wanted to say that. 235 suggestions later, I have nothing to add to the pot, so to speak.

  • http://smithsinflorida.blogspot.com Karry

    oops – forgot to say poop.
    No poop or too much poop = need more acidophilus. I take it in pill form.

  • http://www.autumnville.com Autumn

    My husband is a man and HE poops in less than a minute.

    But that’s only because he doesn’t want to miss whatever he’s watching on tv.

    So I can only suggest finding a program you REALLY like watching. It might not bring on a bowel movement, but it could help them go more quickly.

  • Diane

    Hey Dooce, love your blog. I read it all of the time. I, like you, am not a regular pooper. I go about every two days…it has always been this way.

    MacDonalds is a sure way to beat constipation though, pure colon blow!

  • Susie

    I have insomnia, so am trying the “reading cure” for my malady. Reading over 200 comments about POOP may just do the trick. Dooce, I think you’ve mentioned before how unfortunate it is that “Everyone Poops” has already been written; but just from this post you have the material for “Everyone Has Something to Say About Poop.” Happy pooping. And just for good measure: POOOOOOOP.

  • http://www.roboranch.com Stephen McKenna

    I think there has to be something psychological about constipation. Like there has to be a mental trigor durring a daily event that tells you it’s time to poop. For instance, I poop fairly regularly after work, but I usually have a problem over the weekend, especially when we travel.

    I also have mental triggors in places. If I were to go to a library right now, no matter how constipated, I would be in the crapper with raging diarrhea in minutes.

    There really should be poop psychologists.

  • Sven

    Errr, I think I´m getting sick!

  • Michael

    After my surgery for rectal cancer, I was a modern marvel–20 times a day for the first year. Then came the bowel radiation and eight hours at a time on the toilet. Now it’s down to two or three times a day, a frequency I consider a blessing. Be careful what you wish for!

  • http://www.dominocat.co.uk/panic domino

    Holy Shit! Look at all these comments!

    I’m normally a constipated gal, but the meds I’m on for anxiety and depression are making it worse.

    One thing I don’t do is fret about it. I don’t sit there straining and swearing, if the POOP comes, it comes. If not, then I’m not fighting with it, dammit.

    I’m glad you opened comments on this, Dooce, because I’m going to try every single one – at the same time. I think you should too.

    Oh yeah, and the husband is a 20 minute person. He doesn’t take reading material in there, I think he works out engineering schematics or something.

    Love ya, Heather. Keep doing what you’re doing (in general, not poop related)

  • KS

    Just had to say that I find it priceless that someone told you to reconvene in the other point of entry in order to get things moving. Poop. And I find it unbelieveable that someone actually said women discussing this is unladylike. Poop. Are you for real? Poop.

    (It’s like a Western Union!)

  • j

    I can’t believe only one person mentioned “recovening the procedure” in the back door. That might sound nasty, but I swear that works. Poop

  • Jean

    I gotta agree with San Diego gal – drink wine – lots of it and make sure it’s “cheap” wine. If this doesn’t work well for you, maybe after drinking all that cheap wine you won’t care if you ever poop, right? Good luck (hic)!

  • krissy pissy pants

    I have IBS, otherwise know as Irritable Bowel Syndrome. While some people with IBS suffer from constipation, I am NOT one of them. My problem is constipation in reverse.

    Diarrhea! Cha, Cha, Cha!!!

    Let me tell you, I’d much rather deal with a clogged up poop shoot than one that gushes and spurts like a wild water ride at Disneyland. There’s nothing like sitting in a meeting at work when suddenly electrically charged spasms tear through your entire bottom system. Knowing you have less than sixty seconds to excuse yourself from the group of coworkers, you sprint to the nearest bathroom squeezing tight the muscles in every single part of your body…as if clinching your toes until they nearly pop off is going to stop the inevitable water works. Of course, once you reach the bathroom the squad of office skank whores are lingering in there reapplying their makeup and telling each other how pretty they are. It’s humiliating to sprint into a stall then trying to drop your drawers before the show starts. Believe me if anyone else happens to be in the bathroom when this begins, they are not going to stick around for long. Once I hit the toilet the contents of my intestine are violently pushed forth while I quiver and gasp at the horrible pain of the stomach acids and undigested food tearing it’s way out of my system. Usually, the gas that accompanies these episodes is comparable to a slaughterhouse in mid-July. Just a little something extra to add to your shame as you lie on the floor in a limp, soggy heap.

    If I watch what I eat and take my sweet little blue pills everyday, I can cut down the occurrences to only a few times a month. I really feel for poor Sunday who wrote in about her Crone Disease and the lovely Dumping Syndrome. Not to say that I don’t sympathize with you too, Dooce…pooping problems are bad for everyone!

  • http://www.brokenpaddle.com seanarthur

    I have pooped solid for three months. any advice on staying irregular.

  • krissy pissy pants

    I have IBS, otherwise know as Irritable Bowel Syndrome. While some people with IBS suffer from constipation, I am NOT one of them. My problem is constipation in reverse.

    Diarrhea! Cha, Cha, Cha!!!

    Let me tell you, I’d much rather deal with a clogged up poop shoot than one that gushes and spurts like a wild water ride at Disneyland. There’s nothing like sitting in a meeting at work when suddenly electrically charged spasms tear through your entire bottom system. Knowing you have less than sixty seconds to excuse yourself from the group of coworkers, you sprint to the nearest bathroom squeezing tight the muscles in every single part of your body…as if clinching your toes until they nearly pop off is going to stop the inevitable water works. Of course, once you reach the bathroom the squad of office skank whores are lingering in there reapplying their makeup and telling each other how pretty they are. It’s humiliating to sprint into a stall then trying to drop your drawers before the show starts. Believe me if anyone else happens to be in the bathroom when this begins, they are not going to stick around for long. Once I hit the toilet the contents of my intestine are violently pushed forth while I quiver and gasp at the horrible pain of the stomach acids and undigested food tearing it’s way out of my system. Usually, the gas that accompanies these episodes is comparable to a slaughterhouse in mid-July. Just a little something extra to add to your shame as you lie on the floor in a limp, soggy heap.

    If I watch what I eat and take my sweet little blue pills everyday, I can cut down the occurrences to only a few times a month. I really feel for poor Sunday who wrote in about her Crone Disease and the lovely Dumping Syndrome. Not to say that I don’t sympathize with you too, Dooce…pooping problems are bad for everyone!

  • http://www.dominocat.co.uk/panic domino

    I don’t understand why anyone would suggest reconvening the procedure via the back door, when you can get Microlet enemas from the chemists that’ll do the same job without the embarrassment or unpleasantness (cos if it’s not your thing, it’s just not your thing)

    I picked up some Aloe colon cleanse tablets the other day. Doubled the dose, and I still can’t poop.

  • Kater

    Regarding the poop (and because everyone and their Mom has posted on here today) – my problem is that every time I go into a second-hand bookstore I always have to POOP. Something about the dust, the stale book-air…

    I hear a lot about the poop when I’m around my parents and their dog. When I walk in after taking him for a walk, my Dad says one word: “Success?” and I have to answer yes (a Poop -then describe the quality) or no, in which case I suppose they will have to take him out again shortly. Or the world will collapse in on itself. Or something.

  • Sue

    500 comments? Wow! I’m gonna have to read them for advice. Okay, here’s my 2 cents: I have IBS with constipation and when my doctor “prescribed” metamucil I became so bloated and irregular that I missed 2 weeks of work. Yuck. So, I cruised the web and discovered that metamucil is very, very bad for folks with constipation combined with bloating and gas. Citracel was recommended and it is a HUGE improvement. A yoga routine designed to target IBS or stomach “issues” like colitis can work, too, along with regular cardio exercise. I’m still not always regular, but I’m sure not doubled over in pain and calling in sick while using the excuse “explosive and uncontrollable gas.”

    Here’s a web site about IBS that has some good tips for the bottom system, in general. I don’t believe everything this woman has to say, but instead I pick and choose and try some of her suggestions. Good luck, and happy pooping!

    http://www.helpforibs.com/

  • Kari

    245 comments about poop!! Is that a record?

  • steph

    Apples and/or whole grain wheat bread. Guaranteed. Also, Indian food works very well, but be warned – it makes for stinky poo.

  • Kari

    Okay – seriously this time – here is what I know about poop.

    Some people swear by coffee in the morning. Some people swear coffee is no good in the morning – tea is better. Some people say hot water; some people say any old drink of water. Some people say there is some enzyme in apples that will make you poop. Some people say that a foot massage can stimulate pressure points that can cause you to poop. And some people swear by yoga in the morning. And I personally think that if you go around with knives in your hand and Satan in your MP3 player, well then, you are just asking for poop trouble from God.

    LOL.

  • boo

    i was in college when WOW chips came out, and my landlady Alice (good ol’ southern woman) was telling me how wonderful they were. so i sat down and ate half a bag and within 10 mn was pooping violently in the bathroom. i’ve never eaten them since. not sure if they still even make them. but that’s a surefire way to get the poop out, although i wouldnt recommend it. i usually just drink coffee, although a good night out drinking tons of beer makes me poop like nobody’s business the next morning.

  • Kari

    I am halfway through these comments, and frightening as this is to admit, I am actually finding it hard to stop reading about people’s pooping habits.

  • http://pixiefix.typepad.com/type_a/ type a

    my guess? one of the 503 who have come before me has probably suggested caffeine already. but, coffee. every morning. like clockwork.

    and the wow chips. yes.

  • http://www.dominocat.co.uk/panic domino

    my husband has just closed the bathroom door. I have started the stop-watch…

  • not-that-Andrea

    I couldn’t read all 500+ comments, but in case no one else said it, you should be eating the LARGER kittens rather than the small kittens – much higher fiber content. Honestly.