All of this came out of my boobs

We were cleaning out the freezer last week and discovered all this breastmilk I had pumped and stored. Sadly, they were all WAY expired, and we had to throw them out, but my God, will you look at all that? MY BOOBS DID THAT.

Also, this picture features the Dooce Effect because I wanted to give the breastmilk its proper heavenly glow.

  • zchamu

    That is amazing. Too bad it expired. You could have saved it for Leta’s sixteenth birthday and given it to her as a special birthday drink. Imagine how freaked out her shit would be. Hee!

  • http://www.dooce.com sour milk
  • http://symbioticfishes.blogspot.com Fish

    Dooce: would that be your new stainless steel freezer? If so, then who the fuck cares how long you can freeze breastmilk in it, because, like, STAINLESS STEEEEEEL.

    Beth: I believe that “Shock” and “Awe” were Jon’s nicknames for Dooce’s … chest freezer while she was breastfeeding.

    Dooce: sorry, couldn’t resist.

  • http://konzadiary.diaryland.com juli

    Now that you’ve seen all the ebay comments, I bet every time you go to throw something out, your hand will hover over the trash can for just that extra second or two as your mind processes the possibilities…

  • http://www.dawn-unplugged.blogspot.com Dawn

    Heahter – while i am in full agreement with djblurb not offering comment facilities on today’s post – I feel compelled to share that we get the love we allow and in so doing, that we deserve. From what you have all shared with us, you all sound deserving of what appears to be the bliss with which you are blessed. From expired breast milk to the greener grass on the other side of photoshop, I hope all your discoveries serve you as well as it does me. Please thank djblurb for sharing what he did today!

  • Sheryl

    If I went 5 days without showering, I would be fired from my job and my boyfriend would have the locks changed.

    I take a spin class mornings 6 days a week, and power yoga at lunch M-F. I am a “sweater” and not just out of my boobs either.

    Yo funck do tell smell REAL pritty to yo baby and baby daddy!

  • http://symbioticfishes.blogspot.com Fish

    Five days without showering, huh? Leta should be walking, no, RUNNING, any day now.

  • http://www.guitarjelly.blogspot.com Dara

    Gee, I can hardly wait till MY boobs can do that…!

  • http://www.shootersstation.blogspot.com Jazzy

    I can only go about 2 days as my hair is really too short for a ponytail and my husband starts calling me Crisco(TM) head and he’s right.

  • LisaC

    My favorite thing to do when I read “Go Dog Go!” to my daughter is to read the last conversation between the “do you like my hat?” dogs (after the Dog Party) slurring my words as if they were very, very drunk. My daughter is 2 1/2, and, just like KellyH’s daughter shakes the book, mine parrots, “H’lo ‘gain. Annow d’you like my hhhhat?”

  • http://jbru.livejournal.com Peter Hentges

    I have discoverd that my body goes through some interesting transformations when I stop showering regularly for any reason. The first couple of days, I’ll get a little itchy and will notice the odor. By the third day, the pimples are out in full force. In places men were not meant to have pimples. By the fifth day, however, the pimples have disappeared. I can only assume that the layers of dirt and dead flesh have sealed things off from invading bacteria. After a week, typically encountered on long camping trips, they tangy BO smell fades to be replaced with a more “earthy” smell (though that may be dependent upon environment).

  • http://www.dooce.com/archives/daily_photo/11_11_2004.html aic

    Don’t know about the chocolate milk. But I did try it with beets. Alas, no pink milk.

    Sometimes, when there is a lull in conversation among my sisters and I, someone will ask “Do you like my hat?” And one or the other of us is always there, right on cue, with the response. That dialogue from Go Dogs Go is like the OF FRANCE!!!! of my childhood.

  • IHateToast

    yeah… sterilization…. there’s a myth. had too many microbiology classes to believe that can be done without an autoclave. best not to know.

    i’m not opposed to extending the life of the pump. i have friends who use friends pumps and even swap kids as a bonding experience. i’m not pump phobic. but i also know they never kept it in a box on the garage floor. if you lived in the subtropics, you would understand what lurks there.

    hell, reduce RE-USE recycle…. those little pumps vibrate so much, that they could possibly be of use for other personal needs.

  • IHateToast

    for all the memories of childhood media, is anyone here a graduate of free to be you and me?

  • http://www.kineticmuse.com sjc

    Were you planning on hibernating with all that?

  • Meggiemoon

    My mom recently confessed (by recently I mean about 3 months ago!) that from the age of 6 up until I was 8 years old, she would top off my daily bowl of Kix cereal with whatever milk she had over-pumped for my sister, whom she was breastfeeding. “I didn’t want it to go to waste!” was her reasoning. She’d sneak it in my bowl when I wasn’t looking.

  • http://www.carissabyers.blogspot.com carissa

    i LOVE these books. my son truly believes cardboard is one of the food groups and he hasn’t managed to get one of these books down yet. our personal favorite: “mr brown can moo, can you?”

    —carissa

  • http://www.electricboogaloo.net tiffany

    Just wait till your kid can talk. My toddler and I were working on making a pizza together and I heard him mutter “Two dogs at WORK.”
    I was all: Speak for yourself, kid. Don’t be callin no mama no damned dog!
    (yes, I really talk that way to my kid. And then I throw away perfectly good breastmilk for the FUN OF IT. Take that, internet!)

    My husband and I also critique each other’s imaginary hats, and Nicolaus thinks it’s hilarious. Nothing like having inside jokes with a baby. :-)

  • Melanie S

    I used to read that book to my son all the time. I loved reading to him.

    There is also a book to read to your tummy/baby when you’re pregnant. It’s called “Oh the places you’ll go. A book to read in utero”. It’s really sweet.

  • Kim

    Back to the Go Dog Go book. The copy I have was printed way back in the late 50s I guess since it was my hubby’s book. Anyways, it bugs the heck out of me that instead of “Goodbye, Goodbye” as was posted above, mine says “Good by, Good by” and I think, “did we change the spelling of this word or is this a major typo??”

    Do the new books have the spelling “Goodbye” or “Good by”?

  • Gia on Guam

    Amy: “Ain’t no party like a tree dog party, cuz a tree dog party don’t stop!” Hahahahaa

    Sadly I don’t know this book. But I do know The Giving Tree. I’ve managed to make both my ex bf and father cry while reading it to them!

    Meggiemoon: I had to chuckle at your post! How did you feel after your mom revealed that to you?

    Although I have yet to have children, I have always wondered about breastfeeding. Liquid Gold indeed. Being Asian, and D cupped, I’m a little afraid of what’s gonna happen up front when the time comes.

  • http://misha-pooh.blogspot.com Mish

    that picture of leta w/ her boyfriend is one of the cutest ever. EVER.

  • robyn.

    come on: louisiana doesn’t have counties. parishes only. ;D

    <3 to dooce.

  • http://agearp.com Dee

    Meggiemoon – My DD was 5 when DS was born – since he was a preemie we had to feed him a certain amount every three ours – when he refused to nurse we would have to top the rest off from pumped milk. Anything that was left over, even if it was half an ounze, my DD would drink. She knew what it was though, I didn’t have to sneak it in.

  • http://www.livejournal.com/users/makingmywayhome Kristina

    Now I’m worried my mom slipped my brothers’ breast milk into my cereal!

  • Toni

    Christy,

    That is one of the craziest things I’ve ever heard of. Are you serious? If you are:WOW. If you we born a couple hundred years ago in Europe you would be considered a saint, I bet. Saint Dasiy Lactans. There would be little vials of your milk stored all over the countryside in dim corners of churches.

  • Toni

    Oops, I meant for that to be addressed to Daisy.

  • Anca

    JOB DESCRIPTION

    POSITION:
    Mother, Mom, Mama, Mommy, Ma

    JOB DESCRIPTION:
    Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an often
    chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and
    organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will
    include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some
    overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on
    rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel
    expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

    RESPONSIBILITIES:
    The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily,
    until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also,
    must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero
    to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the
    backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face
    stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously
    sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain
    calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have
    ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and
    mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an
    embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a
    half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always
    hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete
    accountability! for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also
    include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

    POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:
    Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years,
    without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that
    those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

    PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:
    None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually
    exhausting basis.

    WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
    Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon
    payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will
    help them become financially independent.. When you die, you give them
    whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that
    you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

    BENEFITS:
    While no health or dental insurance, no pension, ! no tuition reimbursement,
    no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies
    limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you
    play your cards right.

    PS. Sorry for the long and not original post; I have been reading you for a while and I’m now addicted. I thought you would enjoy this. (the post, not my addiction)
    ————————

    Love,
    Anca (mother of an 18 year old daughter, exactly like Leta at that age)
    PS2. It does gets better. The screaming stops at some point and is soon replaced by strong oppinions that are always contrary to yours. And then you miss the screaming :-)

  • daisy

    omg, a SAINT??! My Catholic mom would be totally excited…and suspicious. She’s seen how “un-saintlike” I can be.

    Though Joan of Arc did kick a little ass in her day.

    And, yes, it is true. And no, I did not put my real email in the blank. You can imagine why.

    (p.s. I grew up with Free To Be, You And Me! And I even saw the MUSICAL here in Chicago! My dog IS a plumber and I would never dress my cat in an apron.)

    (p.s.s. They still sell this CD on Amazon. If you have not heard it, I would strongly recommend it to anyone who wants a kid’s record that was designed to SHOCK the pants off of all the uptight parents in the neighborhood. Very , very cool!)

  • andy

    Call me a man of vision, but you thaw those out and you’ve got some really great balloons to throw. Considering Utah, shouldn’t be hard to find someone you’d like to hit.

  • http://www.littlehoney.com Littlehoney

    You’ve finally done it! You’ve taken a picture that didn’t inspire 125 people to write “excellent – I love how it is from the iambic pentameter..”, etc.

    and like some of the others, I say, “no offense, but ewwwww”

  • Jana

    Go Dog GO!!! That’s one of my favorites.

    A couple of other really good ones:

    Big Pumpkin
    Olivia (oh man she rocks)
    Old Hat, New Hat
    And those Sandra Boynton hard books, especially Blue hat Green hat and Opposites.

    I cherish reading all those books to my girls. Now I have to endure “Captain Underpants” at bedtime. (okay, I admit, I rather enjoy his adventures)

  • http://www.bellymotherbaby.com christyscherrer

    Hey! As I like to reassure my mariage partner, we are one the same team! I *love* you! Don’t take my rant as a critisism. I’m not trying to start an arguement. So, let’s go back to being lovers!

    Again, I love your intent. Thanks for being the voice.

    Hey, wanna bring Leta to my house? You’ll be well accommedated, without insanity (since I know what that entials too). You’re the leader.

  • janet

    Not to change the subject but did anyone notice Jon’s post today. No place to leave a comment for him on his site so I’ll leave it here. Incredible! If you stand close to other men does your goodness rub off?

  • amanda

    Another really great book is called George Washington’s Cows by David Small. How can you resist a book meant for 4 year olds that uses the word obsequious?

  • me

    Speaking of squirting breast milk across the room.. Was once at a play put on by the local theater company about Motherhood. Within the first 5 min of the play one of the mothers whipped out a boob and squirted into the audience to make a point. Man did she have DISTANCE! Not so impressive to the older couple sitting in front of us. They got up and left.

  • http://random_thoughts_from_an_empty_mind.blogs.com/janis/ Janis

    Impressive!

    I am nursing twins and still have quite a bit of milk in the freezer. I swear to god I could nurse a small third world country and still pump 40 oz a day.

    Miss Leta is simply adorable! If she’d ever like a playdate with equally adorable twins- I’m just across town.

  • http://kiwi-kath.diaryland.com kath

    Well, not to take anything away from that awesome display of Dooce Dairy (I never could pump enough to bother freezing, myself), but I want to see a photo of the winter beard!! The man looks incredibly good in a beard. Share.

  • http://www.jamf.net/blog/ maricar

    Dude, I noticed that there are over 200 comments here. Maybe ’cause you said boobs? No I think it’s because of the cool glowing effect you did to the picture. I admire what your boobs have done. My boobs are huge and can’t produce that much gold.

  • Danika

    Ahhhh a picture of all your expired Dooce-juice… its just another reason I love you and this site.

  • http://deann.blogspot.com DeAnn

    I cannot believe that you created all of that milk. And I also can’t believe you race your own dear sweet readers to post a comment on your own photo! Sheesh!

  • nadia

    NO! there it is again: Janis.

    ..the connection between nursing, breast milk and SMALL third world countries.

    Am I totally missing something here?

  • http://line-noise.com/journal jackie

    that picture is realy disgusting. i can’t believe i drank that shit. last week. egh.

    however i’m really happy to see i’m not the only one who can go 4-5 days without a shower! a few hours before i read yr post i had mentioend to G that i needed to hop in after he was done and he looked at me suspiciously… observing the ponytail… the thick sweatshirt… the grease-stains on my face… the dandruff… and asked how long it’d been. it never actually feels or seems gross until they start smelling you — then suddenly you go from eco-friendly conservationist (read: lazy) to fucking gimli the dwarf.

  • Hillary

    No time to read all 224 comments, but I might be the only one who is jealous of your ability to create all that.
    Long story short, I never made more than 3 oz…ever. Wanted to, but my body didn’t cooperate.
    good for you!

  • http://www.pattisunshine.blogspot.com patti

    Not fair! I could only pump out 2-4 oz at a time. I could never get a whole BAG full!!!!

  • http://www.k4kara.com Kara

    Even more proof that you are a super hero, mama!

  • http://www.dooce.com dooce

    HAHAHAH SUCKERS! I AM THE FIRST COMMENT!

  • http://symbioticfishes.blogspot.com Fish

    Dooce, you’re just hyper from all that cocaine that’s in the picture.

    Oh, wait, That’s not Cocaine!

  • http://prettycrabby.com Em

    Eeek! From the Boob of Dooce, enough to feed Utah! Do Mormons DO breastmilk? :)

  • http://www.lemonlight.org Angie

    Ewww… I totally don’t want to finish my cappuccino now! No offence or anything, I mean, the human body is an incredible thing, blah, blah, blah.

    Actually, I bet you could sell that on ebay!!!!