The beginnings of The Beard

Beth took this shot also. Jon had been raking leaves for over four hours, and damn! I still wanted to eat him alive.

  • Jentle

    Dude… He totally reminds me of Luke from the Gilmore Girls in this picture.

  • Jentle

    …. And apparently I’m not the only one.

  • Fish

    God, I love the fact that all of the Dr. Demento song was quoted herein.

    Dooce, reading your posts about domestic life in SLC is like watching that scene in the Brady Bunch movie where Alice and Roy are tripping on mushrooms.

    Utter domesticity with a psychodelic edge. I fucking love it.

  • mark

    Jon’s lucky. His face camo is filling in great.

    I’ve been working on mine now for a couple of months and I still look like Jebidiah Yoder the Mennonite.

  • Fish

    Oh yeah: for those of you who asked:

    (Sorry, dooce, they asked, what can I do? Ok, once again, you may block my IP address if you want).

  • Heather fourteen billion

    Helooks like Phil Hartman in this picture! ‘Round the eyes! Do ya see it?

  • Sheryl

    (J – EFFIN – CHRIST, Heather fourteen billion!
    That means there are waaaaaaaay more anglo-saxons on the Earth than we ever thought!)

    Is the whole Asians are the majority populace on Earth a lie?
    Call David Duchovny!

  • juli

    Raking? Raking the leaves? No, no, no. You don’t rake, you mulch. You burn. Anything but rake. At least that’s what I learned when I moved to a house that has over 100 freakin’ oak trees. I could rake for four hours every day and still not get ahead of the leaves.

    Oh, if I wasn’t a lesbian, I would definitely go for the guy with the beard. You sure hooked a cutie.

  • -leslie.-

    A real, live lesbian? Like with the horns and the tail and EVERYTHING?


  • Tracy

    Dr. Demento. Heh. “Existential Blues” is still one of my very favorite songs. OK, and, “Dead Puppies Aren’t Much Fun.”

  • sheryl

    Pismire – all I can think about, right now, is the stack of a dozen foot-long wooden metal-edged rulers rubberbanded together with a (faulty) requisition form on my desk. Metal-edge. That would be self-mutilation. Paper cut times ten in violence ratings, oh hell, make that paper cut to the 10th power.
    The thing is, I ordered 12 Pilot Rollerball Pens. Those sphincters at Boise-Cascade-OfficeMax. How do you mix up pens with rulers? The stupid 35 digit item number isn’t even close. Normally they would send the pens rubberbanded together. That seems pretty painful too – but maybe one pen wouldn’t be bad…
    OK, WTF, Dooce did you promise someone you would include MASTURBATE in your post? The problem is, Pismire, I can imagine an old Mormon woman who likes to masturbate (escalating geriatric sado-masochist!) with metal-edged Ticonderoga rulers and I don’t want to meet her.

  • dooce

    alls I can say is, those women looked liked they needed a good rogering, even if it had to be with a good Ticonderoga ruler, you know?

  • GirlA

    Would that be a -

    Roger Clemens

    Roger Daltry

    Roger Moore

    Ginger Rogers! Maybe more lesbos in SLC than previously thought

    (Remember, Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, but she did it backwards and in high heels)

  • Amanda B.

    What the hell happened while I was watching Reno 9-11. Sharp pointy masturbation? What did I miss? Damn. Damn.

    Dooce. You said “Rogering”. I heart you so.

  • Sheryl

    Suddenly I am wondering about the parallels between the religious conservatives:

    Old Catholic women (nuns) hit children with rulers

    Then they give them to old Mormon women to masturbate with?

    Do the Ticonderogas pass through the hands of Amish women in between the two, used to measure the “shapes” in their “quilts”?

    Sorry, this is a direct result of Goldschlager being the only drink in the freezer.

  • GirlA

    Fish heads fish heads,
    Roly poly fish heads,
    Fish heads fish heads,
    Eat them up yum

    Fish heads fish heads,
    Roly poly fish heads,
    Fish heads fish heads,
    Eat them up yum

    In the morning,
    Laughing happy fish heads,
    In the evening,
    Floating in the soup,

    Fish heads fish heads,
    Roly poly fish heads,
    Fish heads fish heads,
    Eat them up yum

    Ask a fish head,
    Anything you want to,
    They won’t answer,
    They can’t talk

    Fish heads fish heads,
    Roly poly fish heads,
    Fish heads fish heads,
    Eat them up yum

    I took a fish head,
    Out to see a movie,
    Didn’t have to pay
    To get it in

    Fish heads fish heads,
    Roly poly fish heads,
    Fish heads fish heads,
    Eat them up yum

    They cant play baseball,
    They dont wear sweaters,
    There not good dancers,
    They dont play drums

    Fish heads fish heads,
    Roly poly fish heads,
    Fish heads fish heads,
    Eat them up yum

    Roly poly fish heads are never seen
    Drinking cappucino in Italian resturants,
    With oriental women, yeah

    Fish heads fish heads,
    Roly poly fish heads,
    Fish heads fish heads,
    Eat them up yum

    Fish heads fish heads,
    Roly poly fish heads,
    Fish heads fish heads,
    Eat them up yum, (yum!)

    Fish heads fish heads,
    Roly poly fish heads,
    Fish heads fish heads,
    Eat them up yum

    Fish heads fish heads,
    Roly poly fish heads,
    Fish heads fish heads,
    Eat them up yum,

  • Human Writes

    I once saw a lesbian, too.

  • MrsDoF

    Goodness, this site is so much better to read than about Subversion in Children’s Literature for my class in the morning. Thanks!!
    As someone who got the weevils, aka mealy bugs, in all the flour products of our pantry, I can swear for the need of Rubbermaid container storage. However, the Tupperware can opener is good, I like how there are no sharp edges left on the lid of the can when the cat comes round to lick it clean.

  • pismire

    Masturbate. With a ruler. Someday I’d like to meet an old Mormon woman who maturbates with a ruler.

  • emilie

    I immediately thought “Dylan McDermott” at first glimpse. Also, my girlfriends (not the lesbian variety, but rather the platonic friendship variety) and I use the term “tupperware party” in reference to those sex toy parties that are all the rage…no? Just here in Chicago? ;-)

  • Alaska

    He’s almost beardy enough to be one of the Bearded Men of Space Station Eleven.

    With spirit fingers.

  • Human Writes

    Oh, like who doesn’t go to Tupperware parties to jerk off? Shoot, my nipples get all hard if I even HEAR someone talk about freshness and easy storage.

  • Karen Rani

    Hear no weevil
    See no weevil
    Speak no weevil……

    Gawd I’m punchy tonight….my 4 month old WILL NOT SLEEP and is driving me crazy….argh!

  • Wendee

    Can I just say as a mom of 2 boys, about to go nuts at any moment, your blog is exactly what I need every day! Keep it up!

  • downfall of society

    Just so you know, there are at least two lesbians in Salt Lake City. I wasn’t at your party last night so there must be another one out there! Society as we know it is about to collapse! Quick! Gather your food storage!

  • Psycho Kitty

    One of my old h.s. friends, a Catholic, married a Methodist and they ended up moving to SLC. She said every once in a while, she’d have too many drinks in the evening and her husband would have to restrain her from stripping and running down the street buckass naked. Oh, she reeeaaallly wanted to…

  • Amanda B.

    Aw, don’t call yourself the “downfall of society”. Seriously. That makes me sad.

    Dude if I wasn’t straight I would SO be a lesbian. My husband considers himself to be “lesbian in nature” and for some reason seems to be really really really supportive of all lesbian related activities.


  • ebti

    orange peelers! i love those! i want one right now. and some oranges.

  • jenny711

    The left side of his face in the photo looks like Harvey Keitel, the right side looks like John Corbett.

    How’s that?

    Very handsome.

  • Julie

    He’s got kind of a Robert De Niro thing going on. Only younger and better looking. ;-)

  • Danielle

    1) Meilaan (#174), the first I heard of Neti pots was from an episode of Six Feet Under (TV series – HBO). George gave one to someone (David?) as a birthday present. Part of of the humor was that this all occurred at the dinner table, and he proceeded to semi-demonstrate it. yuck.

    2) Fish, I had that song stuck in my head for half of my day today. Good thing I didn’t get a chance to check back until to find out about the chopped up baby parakeet, or that line would’ve been circling around too. By the way, it wasn’t until the 10th run-through in my head that I began to appreciate the alliteration in the first line…

    3) Jon looks to me like John Corbett, but the Harrison Ford lines are more funny.

    4) what is he saying? “And now that my sinuses are stuffed up from 4 hours of raking leaves, you can just drive to Costco and buy me a Neti pot. You know, the pot with the funny pointy spout (gestures with hand).”

    Just trying to come full circle…

  • Katey

    Yeah. Your husband is totally hot. Even though, for some reason, I always confuse “Jon” with “Chuck” in your posts and think you’re talking about Jon when you’re really talking about Chuck. Like today, I thought your husband jumped on you, wanting treats.

  • robs

    Fish: You are so funny, I gotta know if you’ve got a blog, I love reading your comments.

  • Amanda B.

    Now, tupperware lesbians? I think I can safely say that they are yummy.

  • Molly

    I am laughing so hard, I am crying. The Tupperware story is awesome.. I sold Pampered Chef for about 6 months. I made no money, but did, however, get a TON of kitchen stuff… We call these parties “Mafia Parties” in my family.. Once you’re in, your in for life!

  • katewoman

    Your husband is hot as a mo’ fo’!

  • Hank

    When one or the other of my boys puts something disgusting in his mouth (or something good using hands that were grasping disgusting things earlier) I rationalize that they have to build up their immune systems by getting exposed to all that yucky stuff. Besides eating dog food never hurt me (it’s not that good, but is VERY crunchy).

  • Sarah

    Yeah, though I walk through the valley of death I will fear no weevil.

  • alexi

    honestly i think you’re a lot cuter than your husband.

    and no i’m not some random creepy guy. (i’m a random creepy girl?) that’ s just my honest opinion

  • diana

    I think it must be one of your goals to get hymns stuck in the head of every Mormon and recovering Mormon who reads your site. :-) I spent the first 19 or 20 years of my life singing them every Sunday (and sometimes on weekdays, too), and they all appear to still live in my brain somewhere.

    ::shakes head::

  • victoria

    I hate to say this, but . . . Leta will probably embrace Mormonism, even if only breifly while in the throes of teenage rebellion against you and the urge for acceptance by her peer group. She may be shouting Mormon hymnals at you some day.

  • Aubergin

    Ok, I don’t mean to to go all anthropologist on our asses, but – the *amount of love and sex as food talk*! Yummy, scrumptious, mmm. Wild. I don’t want to know what it’s like to want to *eat somebody alive*… People say this about babies too and it creeps me out either way. Reminds me of the witch who ate Hansel and Gretel. Or Big Fat Bastard from Austin Powers “I eat babies! Git in me belly!”

    Who here would rather commune or commingle with someone than consume them? Talking about the urge to eat the object of my affection does kind of *make them an object*, *ignoring their feelings*. Doing away with their independence, the fact that they are more than what I love about them.

    If I say I want to eat someone alive- it comes across like the feelings for the other person are so positive and/or maybe overwhelming, I want to consume or fill my insides up with those feelings. Or is it about control, and having all that cuteness or love or whatever to myself?

  • Laurel 825

    Was he wearing pants, too, or just a holster?

  • Amanda B.

    Fish- Nope, I am darn proud of my adolescent mind. Grown-ups are boooring.

    I think Jon is a cutie-pie. I can’t say I find him yummy or edible, cause…well a) MY husband is snackable, and b) if a bunch of women called my husband “yummy” i’d have to pop a cap in dey ass.

  • GMM

    Yeah, he’s hot.

  • Fish

    Aubergin: That reminds me of my favorite line from Happy Gilmore:

    Shooter McGavin: “I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast.”

    Happy Gilmore: “You eat shit for breakfast?”

    Yup. Gets me every time.

  • Sheryl

    AmandaB: u go guhl. pop dey ass.

    Fish: caterwauling colon! That was humorous.

    I am also not predisposed to the cannibal-love mindset.

    Aubergin, is that French for old virgin?

  • heidi

    DAMMIT! what the hell do i have to do to get my husband to rake leaves? i struggled for 20 minutes trying to start the damn lawn mower (to try and suck most of ‘em up…big lawn) and i couldn’t do it. AND i’m supposed to be on vacation.

  • osg

    you all get up too early

  • fiona

    At least it’s leta eating chuck’s food and not the other way around. .