Friday night Jon put on his mod parka he got from a friend in 1985 when he was on a Mormon mission in Manchester, England, and I dressed up as the lead singer of the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. My costume didn’t involve much except black clothing, a lot of product in my hair, and really dark eye liner. Oh, and I snarled a lot.
We went to an adult dress up party. I can’t believe I just wrote that. It was a party, for adults, and we all dressed up like rockstars. I’m pretty sure that the whole thing was an excuse for the people throwing the party to send their three kids away for the evening, and for the rest of us to get away from our kids for the evening, with a pinch of trying to hold on to our fading coolness thrown in. The best part about the adult dress up party, of course: The Free Tequila. If there were ever a badge of my cool days it would be how I could hold my tequila. And after Friday night, people, I STILL GOT IT.
No one could figure out my costume, of course, because everyone there stopped watching MTV before Martha Quinn even went off the air, and if you know who Martha Quinn is then you’re probably checking your hairline on a daily basis. We were all standing around the snack table when someone asked me to sing something from the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, to demonstrate exactly who I was, and I refused, “I don’t want to publicly embarrass my husband like that, no.”
But Jon shrugged and told me to go for it, considering all the other times I have embarrassed him publicly, why stop now? So I put down the half eaten cracker I had in my mouth, shook all my hair into the front of my face and shouted, “THEY DON’T LOVE YOU LIKE I LOVE YOU, MA-A-A-A-APS WAIT, THEY DON’T LOVE YOU LIKE I LOVE YOU.” And when I opened my eyes no one was saying anything or making any noise so I said, “Who knew maps could love you like that in the first place?” And then the room cleared. Public Embarrassment Number 2,124: ACCOMPLISHED.
Then we all went into the living room and played this music game where we split up into groups and had to name the song or name the artist or finish the next line in the song. Yes, it was a game. We were playing a game at a party. AND WE WEREN’T EVEN AT CHURCH. I have to take a moment here to brag and let you all know that I knew the answers to the ones about R.E.M., Electronic, Simon and Garfunkel, and The Carpenters. I even MADE UP a line to a Carly Simon song and GOT AWAY WITH IT. I was on fire, I was smoking, I was DANGEROUS, and then they broke out all the music before 1975 and I had no idea what anyone was talking about. Even the woman who was wearing tapered, pleated jeans knew more than I did. Can someone please take a marker and write SHAM OF A HUMAN BEING on my forehead.
The best part of the night was when I went into their laundry room to say hi to their six-month-old terrier mix puppy, Jenny, who attacked me when I opened the door and proceeded to lick off my lipstick and all of my eyeliner. She was the happiest, most loving puppy in the entire world and since I’d had a portion of tequila normally seen only in my 2001 days, I got on the floor and had a huge puppy cuddle fest with that animal. It was purely platonic love, because I am married, and I am committed to a dog at home, and the constitution prevents marriage between anything but a man and a woman and Jenny was not only not a human but she was also FEMALE.
I AM WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS COUNTRY.
By the end of the night I had the dog in my lap and I was drunkenly singing, “THEY DON’T LOVE YOU LIKE I LOVE YOU, MA-A-A-A-ATH, WAIT.” And Jon was sitting next to me, his hand stroking the back of my head, and he leaned over and said, “I love going places with you.” And if this is what being an adult means, then kids, you’ve got SO MUCH to look forward to.