Christmas at The Blue Plate

  • Rebekah

    All I need to do is read these comments and I can’t help but be in a funny mood. I am peeing my pants right now.

  • heather b

    omg, a silver foily xmas tree…i didnt think those still existed…memory floodgates are a flowin now….lol…

  • Shiz

    The Gaymart a block from my old apartment had a rainbow foil tree in the window last year. Bottom row red, the next row orange, and so on.

    I was kinda sad they didn’t have it up this year.

    Hee hee. Up.

  • Mouse


    Pippil dun’t unnirstend. Thi gerl I lov is nem Pressilla. Shi is so nas and priddee and shi wil pit me su mush. I hup 1 diy we can be 2gitter. Hir R sem littirs shi rote 2 me.

    Gud luk 2 yew with your gerl. I hop 1 dey yew can gu lif wit hir lik 1 gud dagg.

    Yor frin,

  • Colleen from NJ

    Thanks… this is my third. My third boy! I am a little afraid.

    LadyBug, you have three kids, right? Should I be very afraid?

  • Sherri

    I find this photo strangely hypnotic.

  • Shooshie

    Oh dear – too much for me to read! I shall make my first mark on this here site though dammit! Great picture and we’re in synch. Is that something for me to be proud of?

  • Kahli

    So, I have a friend who sends those bulk emails with really bad jokes to me ALL THE TIME as well as Support Our Troops with a photo montage ( WE NEED A MONTAGE!!) with Enrique Igesias playing…. anyway, in the interest if remaining semi- relevant, there was this gem tucked into a list of really trashy and stupid (which this one actually kinda is… but it is still funny sort of)one liners about husbands and kids and super models, well.. I digress:

    They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

    Which we all know isn’t true but, well, I finished finals yesterday but I got my period today. First one! heee

  • Caroline

    WHY is there no Gay Mart in my town? I would *TOTALLY* shop there. Like, all the time.


    And maybe then I could come up with a present idea for my lice infested lesbian neighbors. I was considering a really funny blow up rainbow triangle thing I found at a weird antique store, but I don’t know if they have a sense of humor or not.

    They DO however, have one of those high heel shoe chairs in their living room. Leopard print.

  • Melanie S

    Our dogs FREAK when my sister (12 year old) walks through our door. One of the dogs “sings” until she comes to his kennel to pet him.

  • Caroline

    Oh, and I live in Ohio, for those of you who were wondering. The Ultra Christian part. It’s so much fun to mess with the people around here.

  • Zach

    Quote: “Our dogs FREAK when my sister (12 year old) walks through our door. One of the dogs “sings” until she comes to his kennel to pet him.”

    That’s not singing, it’s crying, “LET.. ME… OUT.. OF. DIS… DAMN… KENNEL!!!”

  • Leslie

    Marti – I really haven’t seen anyone compare Christmas to anal sex before. Very interesting…

    I’m waiting for my mom to dig the silver tree out of the garage and mail it to me because I loved it the most of any of the kids. Ours had the pink bulbs, but I do dig the blue.

  • Shiz

    A mini version of the *Rainbow* Christmas Tree:

    The big one looked cooler.

  • closet metrosexual

    Premenstrual burritos and beans. Its what’s for dinner.

    While slightly repulsed by the description, I think I’m going to go to Chipotle for a burrito the size of my forearm.

  • MrsDoF

    Colleen from NJ (comment 157)
    Raising three sons is a walk on the wild side. There was a year when we had one in high school, one in junior high, and one still in elementary. The car pool and after school activities had me clawing the walls.
    But there are no worries about wearing pink.

  • Caroline

    I’m confused Kahli — Did you just say you got your first period today?


  • Marti

    not my comparison, but I do have a scathing anal sex story; no, I will not share it.

  • Caroline

    Does anyone else notice that the first twenty comments or so are all polite and short, and then the rest of us get on and start spewing our off topic paragraphs? Aren’t any talkative people up early?

  • Danika

    The early ones are all too busy trying to be first… or as close to first as they can be to come up with the tangents others do.

  • Caroline

    And how come I never get to be part of the little funny conversations?


    I recently ate seven chocolate chip cookies. Sugar high, anyone?

  • Caroline

    Oh, wait, Danika’s talking to me. Hi.

  • JP

    Okay…I have lesbian neighbors (and close friends) but THANK GOD none of them are lice infested.

  • Dänika

    Everyone’s said everything about the christmas tree/photo that I was going to, so instead of talking about the photo:

    Hi, Danika.

  • Shiz

    It’s beginning to feel twighlight-zoney in here.

  • Dänika

    heheh, you’re telling me!

    I never run into people with my name. This is so weird.

  • Danika

    Hi Dänika
    Hi Caroline

    If it makes you feel better dooce the internet doesn’t think you are an idiot. (or at least I don’t)

  • Zach

    I really missed the point why Dooce is an idiot. Her kids are hellians like all sub 7 yr. old boys should be, err.. maybe sub 11, err… maybe… damn, I’m 24 and still a hellian.. Point is: it’s not dooce’s fault kids don’t like to sit still.

  • Shiz

    OK, me-me-me! Commenting again!

    I just want to say that I HAD a friend who used to insist that HER CHILDREN WOULD NOT ACT *THAT* WAY, and her sister and I laughed at her. She has a baby now. We’re not in touch anymore, but I hope her kid is a Leta Scream Stom times a million. And that she has another six kids real soon.

  • Shiz

    Duh. Leta Scream Storm.

    Leaving now.

  • Danika

    I will have a kid that is a hellian. One reason I will not be having kids. Despite the ovary banging I get on this site and watching my nieces.

  • lulu cornichon

    I was seriously about to throw my computer out the window and burst into tears (curse you, crappy software; curse you, luddite brain), when I decided on one last click on the over-used Dooce bookmark.

    Awesome post, Heather. Nothing like reading about someone else’s frustrations to make you feel a bit more human.

    My computer is safe for one more day.

  • halfsies

    Closet Metrosexual-
    We call those puppy dog burritos

  • cee

    When I glanced at the thumbnail, I thought it was one of those…. EPT sticks…!!! Wow,was I wrong! ;)

    Your camera is indeed amazing, such clarity without a flash! I’m jealous.

  • Carol

    Very funny story. But I don’t think you’re the idiot. I think you and Beth know who the idiot was. : )

    BTW, the google ads are “Stop Loosing Your Memory.” Yes, they actually spelled it “loose.”

    They should try their own medicine.

  • Kim

    I guess I shouldnt tell you about my memory card for my camera then… 512 mb… takes roughly 500 pictures, on best quality. Over 1000 on worst. :-D

  • http://none Lovin’ the story about Chuck

    That wonderful, side-splitting story about Chuck had me laughing _almost_ as hard as the scene in My Big Fat Greek Wedding when the aunt talks about the tumor they removed from her neck containing a spinal cord and teeth. (“It twas my tvin.”) My friends actually had to stop the movie and get out the brown paper bag as my laughter turned into real hysterics.

  • Colleen from NJ

    Well, so far there’s no worries about the boys wearing pink…

    not that there’s anything wrong with that. I mean, I visited the Gaymart.

  • MrsDoF

    Colleen from NJ, Were your boys with you for the visit?
    After all the discussion caused in my Children’s Literature class at the community college when we looked at the book KING AND KING (two princes have a wedding and a heart ending), I am glad there’s not a Gaymart nearby.
    From the last story by Dooce, I would say we have a stereotype of sweet little girl and two active boys.
    My grandma used to say “Better you than me” when it came to raising any more children (she raised 8 of her own to adulthood–and she was neither Catholic nor Mormon with such a big family.)

  • Amanda B.

    Dooce, I love your stories. You are a hoot. Arachnaphobia- you feel something on your face in the middle of the night and proceed to whoopin your own ass. Very “Fight Club”.

    (is fun when significant other experiences this for the first time and considers moving to Guam)

    And now for something completely different: Godzilla got a star on the walk of fame. Awesome.

    (old Godzilla. not new Godzilla)

  • lulu cornichon

    Speaking of Godzilla, I’m watching Lost. I’m easily spooked on a good day, *and* on a giant extra dose of caffeine (tasty coffee!).

    If you never hear from me again, I died of a heart attack in front of the tv. How embarrassing.

  • mari

    Dooce, I actually quite like the first picture on your friend Beth’s site (crazy us) and I think it would make a *great* family Christmas photo. It captures perfectly what it’s like to be the parents of two active little boys. So much better than those posed Christmas photos from Sears in front of the fake fireplace where everybody just looks so *perfect*.

  • Mari

    Sorry for the half-bold message. No idea what I did. Guess I’m an idiot.

  • LadyBug

    I was seriously worried I would wake up all the kids, laughing at the post about taking the pictures. Thanks, Dooce.

  • Carol

    lulu – i’ve heard Lost is amazing. never seen it, though. should watch more tv.


    amanda b. – funny as always.

    mari – you have a good point. if that’s not life with two boys (very blurred), i don’t know what is.

  • zoom

    You are toooo funny. And no. It is “I” who is the stupid idiot. HAHAHAAAA!

  • nellie

    Oh! I miss the Blue Plate Diner! Damn, I wish there was good food in Juneau, Alaska.

  • LadyBug

    Colleen from NJ: Just saw your comment from earlier. I’ve been away from the computer since I left work, and couldn’t get back on ’til I got all the kids to bed.
    No, hon, (Did I just call you ‘hon’? God, I’m getting old.) don’t be very afraid. The great thing about having my third (six months old today! unbelievable!) is that my girls (6 and 7 1/2 years) help out SO MUCH…fetching baby stuff, entertaining their brother while I get stuff done…He absolutely adores them, and they, him.
    Ummm…unless your two older boys aren’t old enough to help yet…in that case, Beeeee afraaaaaid. Be veeeeery afraaaaaid.

    Oh, and you know I’m still on the lam from the Comment Police, so if you want to chat more, feel free to email me:

  • Carol

    OK, ‘Bug and Colleen – three (#!!?) kids. Tell me about it, because my hubby wants another. ANOTHER!! that would make three. all my friends say it sends them over the edge, but i am intrigued….three sounds good… in theory….

  • Carol

    ‘Bug & Colleen – BTW, comment police NOTHIN’! Dooce, herself said, Hell, yes!! BTW, Sheryl and I take it offline lots. But I love to hear what y’all girls have to say, too…Just cuz peoples ain’t commentin don’t mean they ain’t readin an enjoyin… at’s all…