How long can he hold in the smoke?

  • Sheryl

    If we get caught, we’re not going to white-collar resort prison. No, no, no. We’re going to federal POUND ME IN THE ASS prison.

  • Carol

    Ha!! I’m just about to watch that movie for the very first time…

  • Sarah

    “Doesn’t it bother you that you have to get up in the morning and you have to put on a bunch of pieces of flair?”

    Carol…you will LOVE this movie.

  • Fish

    excuse me, could I have my stapler, please?

  • Sarah

    “…I did nothing. I did absolutely nothing, and it was everything I thought it could be.”

    Oh yes.

  • Fish

    I wouldn’t say I’ve been *missing* it, Bob.

  • Caroline

    Amanda B., you’re my favorite commenter (is that a word?) almost every post. You should make a blog.

  • U.B.

    Needta chat about those TPC reports…

  • Michelle Brady

    I’ve never commented before, because I just couldn’t come up with anything witty to say and I knew I’d feel like a jackass for not measuring up.

    However, the time has come. I have to say it. My name is Michelle, and I’m a Dooceaholic. I’m sitting here with tears in my eyes from laughing, both at Dooce’s entry and all the comments.

    I knew every single song that was mentioned, and as I read each comment where lyrics were referenced, I heard it in my head; it was like being in the car with someone who won’t quit screwing with the radio.

    Thanks, Dooce, everybody, for providing such levity on this cold, dreary House Cleaning Day.

  • Everyone

    *Hi, Michelle!*

  • rutabaga

    Alright, people, you’ve got me with the Office Space quotes. I love that movie.

    What I was *going* to say, though, is this – there are times when I read through these comments for the sheer eye-rolling, ‘hello, sycophantery’ pleasure of it… it’s sort of like a sick hobby. I generally try to keep my thoughts to myself. However, one comment is sticking in my head and I cannot seem to get it out, much like the various and sundry hideous songs you’ve all mentioned… someone said, “Good thing I live in New
    York, otherwise I might be all up in yo man’s grill!”…. I find myself with no words. Well, these: what in God’s name does that mean exactly (rhetorical question, I do actually know what this person is getting at)… and WHY is this person inflicting such half-witted verbiage upon the internet?! “up in yo man’s grill”? Ugh. UGH!

    Sigh. That is all. I’m going now.

  • Fran

    Jon looks like a man who sees the future..and is greatly troubled.

  • Girl.A

    [Patting rutabaga's back, whispers]
    s’okay rutabaga, they’re only jokin. Ya got it out. Jus sit down and relax, I’ll get the lysol and a mop and Sheryl will getcha some mouthwash and a warm facecloth.

  • Scott

    I think the expression says “Stay away from me. I am an introspective poet contemplating human existence and at this moment I am puking in my mouth a little bit. It must have been the eggnog latte.”

  • Jon’s Grill

    You best slow your role rutabaga, or Ima have to bust you in your craw.

  • kristine

    I do believe ‘up in his grill’ is ‘in his face, all over him like a white on rice, dry humping him like a pig on a candy cane’

    the verbage might be from yesterday’s ‘snoop’ page.

    We are a weird bunch.

  • rutabaga


  • Fish

    Huh. I had no idea pigs liked candy canes. Go figure.

  • Tracy

    “My only real motivation is not to be hassled – that, and the fear of losing my job. But you know, Bob, that will only make someone work just hard enough not to get fired.”

  • kyle

    Google is now showing ads for nose hair trimmers since you guys mentioned waxing. Nice job.

  • Carol

    I’m really irritating my non-dooce (“doocie” as he calls it) coworker (we don’t even have cubicles, just open space, back to back) because I keep laughing and snickering and generally annoying the hell out of him.

    GirlA – you are funny.

    I love this place….

  • Girl.A

    Ok, y’all who took the sign down -

    The needlepoint in my bathroom:

    “Ifn ya got a weak stomach or low threshold for shite, best not jump on this here thang”

  • Sarah

    Fish…pigs love to hump dem candy canes…click on me

  • Lori

    tpS reports, U.B.


  • lexi

    the facial hair makes him look really old. and hassidic.

  • U.B.

    Sorry Lory.


  • Sarah

    Re: Office Space
    I briefly perused the online dating scene a little while back, and got an email from a man who wanted to “light my cigarette”. He said he was married, but needed something more. (Thanks for the honesty, pal).
    Then he sent a picture.

    I opened it, out of curiosity.

    *It was the spitting image of Milton*

  • Zach

    No one woman could ever fully satisfy Milton.

  • Erin


  • Gordon

    Chuck is so abused…if he only had the “Bow-Lingual,” he could tell his mom what he really thinks.

  • Kristine

    I have my window minimized because i’m at work, and I hit refresh and the only thing I could see was Jon’s eyes…and he sort of looked like Russell Crowe.

    I met a guy online and he sent me a picture…of PEE WEE HERMAN.

    and yes, I am still dating him.

    check my blog, he doesn’t look like pee wee. But does a mean, “I’M ON THE PHONE!” impression.

    And now starts the Pee Wee’s Big Adventure quotes.

  • Jazzy

    Breathe Jon, breathe!

  • ella’s ma

    Jon: “Duuuuude, like, that is one wicked awesome bong rip! I mean, woooooah, I am totally seeing candy-humping piggies and silver trees! Dude, awesome!
    I need pizza.”

  • Kieran

    OK I changed my mind….I look at Jon for a good half hour and it hit me.

    He looks like Black Beard the Ass Pirate from an old porno me and my friends used to watch in College. OK now lets get one thing straight, Black Beard the ASS Pirate (or BBAP for shot) was not a Homosexual kinda guy…even though his name sure sounds gay. BBAP was a captain of a ship called the Booty Hunter and they saild the 7 sevens in search of Female Booty. Yeah this was definintly an OScar winning moive but let me tell you BBAP was the MAN! HE even had a parrot named pooper. HAHAHAH Pooper that still cracks me up!

  • Kristine

    I personally favor the “Orgasmo” movie, ABOUT porn stars.
    Now that is funny.

  • Chloe

    Kieran, do you realize you just compared Jon to an ass pirate? Dooce is going to be all up in yo grill now.
    Wait a minute:
    A porno film you watched in college? JON went to college!
    A parrot named pooper? There’s a lot of poop discussion on this site, and so clearly in JON’s life!

    Clearly the only possible conclusion is that Jon *is* the Ass Pirate. I mean, obviously.
    (Is dooce going to be all up in my grill, now?)

  • Chloe

    (I think I just used that “grill” saying wrong. Twice. I’m sorry– I’m not up with all that “slang” you young’uns are using nowadays.)

  • Kieran

    Listen….Black Beard the Ass Pirate was a very and i mean VERY well-endowed man. Sure he might have the HIV right now but back in the day he was like a GOD.

  • Kristine

    Girl A – Finder of all things unnatural

    Can you locate me a copy of this said video of a ass pirate?

  • Jill

    Cutie Patootie!

  • Yo Grill…

    Ok, I don’t mean to sound all snobby and correct people, but, um, you guys are WAY misusing the term. In L.A., “up in your grill” is the same thing as “all over your jock,” which is NOT something you would probably want to be saying casually to a guy.
    Unless, you know, you really DO want to be all over his jock.
    Even by teenagers’ standards it’s a pretty crude term, which is fine, but just so’s you know, in case you’re planning on dropping it into conversation at your next office meeting.

  • Girl.A

    At first pass, there is no such movie as “Blackbeard the Ass Pirate” or any variant. However, to find out for sure I cannot search from my place of employment.

    Instead, I have included a wonderful little origami of Chuck dropping a deuce.

  • Fish

    Even if I were gay, I don’t think I’d want to be all over someone’s jock. I mean, ewwww.

    re: Pee Wee quotes: “There was this snake wearing a vest, and he was rolling this big donut …”

  • Amanda B.

    Damn. All this time I thought I came up with the term “Ass-Pirate.”

    Michelle- i can’t speak for all of us, but i’m a big goob. I wouldn’t worry about being “witty” (or whitey), just be yourself.

  • robin

    Jill, I say Cutie Patootie all the time to my son! :-)

  • Sheryl

    Yes, we are goobers. Don’t lend us your shoes. Ever.

  • Girl.A

    From out of space – a warning and an ultimatum.

    *Goober Patrol*

  • Kristine

    putz, goober, geek.

    I have been called them all.

  • Aleigh

    My favorite Pee Wee quote:

    “I say we let him go!”

    Commence “tequila” song now.

    Na na na-na na na na na…

    Na na na-na na na, na.


  • U.B.

    A very well-endowed ass pirate? I think I speak for both genders when I say, ‘no thanks’.