Scrumptious Bearded… oh wait! YOU’RE NOT MY FATHER!

  • Shiz

    Do people not know by now to hit F5, CTRL + R, or APPLE + R or refresh to refresh the page and see their comment? Double posters, take note!

  • closet metrosexual

    Girl.A – see yesterday’s #218 about the mints.

  • Meeeeerry Fish-mas!!!

    *Fish takes change out of his pocket and sniffs it*


  • closet metrosexual

    howdaheck do you “bold” your comments? I’ve been googling and searching, but getting nowhere.

  • Shiz

    Sheryl, that’s such a great idea! Mints to the ones that annoy! They think you like them, you know the truth.

  • Girl.A

    Fishy, Fishy, Fishy
    If you ever watch the Upright Citizen’s Brigade re-runs, you’ll see that Mr. Ass Penny recommends cleaning and shining them up before giving them out to people. It’s a successful brother giving advice to his less successful bro. He claims all that success comes from the satisfcation that his Ass Pennies give him.

    And gives new meaning to money laundering…

  • Meeeeerry Fish-mas!!!

    I think that Sheryl and Girl.A should combine their ideas.

    Oh, wait. someone already did.

    *click me*

  • Meeeeerry Fish-mas!!!

    Shit. NOW click my name.

  • Kristine

    I’m making my list, I’m checking it twice…

    Tomorrow is going to be one of those crazy days, I might not make it here to post.


    okay sorry…mid type my daughter says she see’s my other daughter climbing a tree.

    THREE THOUSAND DOLLARS for a broken arm.

    I’m sorry, the holiday stress is killing me.

    Anyway, back to the list. I finally figured out how to add people to my ‘blogs i read list’ and if you want to be added just leave me a comment and I will add you. Some of you are already there.

    Oh, and have a stress free Christmas everyone. It’s too late for me, but you go on ahead.

    Kristine :)

  • Melanie S


    I wish I was a neighbor to DOoce and Crazy Us so we could talk about the greatness of Oprah today. I’m so touched by today’s show…

    My son just walked in here and said “Mom, why are you crying? Is it because you can’t poop again?”

    Moment officially ruined!

  • Erin

    That is classic! My mom and I make my sister get our pictures taken every year with Santa – and we are 20 and 22, and we now have 20 glorious pictures, with a couple of them looking like that!

    I’ve been a reader for a while, and I just love your site!

  • Diana

    That’s a really funny picture but that caption made it hilarious! lol.

  • Denise

    Ok – just how big is that Santa chair?

  • Gia on Guam

    Merry Shitmist and a Happy Poo Rear!

  • Girl.A

    And a Happy Sphincter Operator!

  • Mrs.Stray

    Ok Fish, the grossest part of the whole “mint” thing is that guys tongue appears to have been peirced. That stopped being cool like 5 years ago, you know what 40 year old fat bald guys started doing it. Ick.

  • Mari

    Merry Christmas!!!

  • Shiz, who says Merry Christmas to all, or Hanukkah or Kwanza

    I like how you WROTE about the tree climbing, Kristine, but yet apparently did nothing about it.

    Fish, how about an assmint testimonial?

  • Kristine

    Oh don’t be fooled. I can type and YELL at the top of my lungs. I think I was typing what I was yelling!! ha ha ha. The child came in and I said, “What were you thinking child?!” She burst into tears and of course I’M THE BAD GUY!
    It’s probably a good thing I didn’t go out there, I would have been that crazy neighbor in her jammies and robe with her hair up in a pony tail and ozzy ozbourne make up all the way down to her chin yelling, “GIIIIIRRRLLLLL! GET YOUR LITTLE ASS OUT OF THAT TREE NOWWWWWWWW!”
    I embarrass them enough. I think I should just stay in the house today until the meds kick in. ;)

  • Sam

    Did anyone else think that the thumbnail was a crotch? That can’t be an accident.

  • Shiz

    Mmmmmmmmmmmmm … meeeeeds.

  • Kristine

    60 easy-to-swallow capsules….
    I was told I can’t take all 60 at once though.

  • Girl.A

    Hi Kristine + Shiz

  • Kristine

    Hi Girl A,
    Loving the baby blog!
    I added you to my list.
    Hope you are not minding.

  • MrsDoF

    Hey, Kristine (186) do your neighbors let you cuss at your kids?
    Now, see, my own dad was in the Navy 5 years, then worked in a steel mill for 32. He could turn the air blue right in our living room, and I thought nothing of it.
    Then my husband and I moved here, to a university town, where everybody has a higher education.
    The first summer day I told one of my boys to get his ass over here RIGHT NOW, (And Dooce, you should hear my Appalachian accent when I get going) three little old ladies stuck their heads out their doors and told me a thing or three about teaching by example, and motherhood, ETC.
    I had to really clean up my language to make nice with neighbors.

  • Girl.A

    Awww shucks. Isskool.
    I ‘preciate da props!

  • DeAnn

    Heh. Yeah, I don’t think she thought it was her father. Unless Jon routinely dresses up in a Santa suit. Which is, you know, cool.

  • Kristine

    I live in an ‘ritzy’ little part of town. The neighbors are ALWAYS looking for a reason to bitch.
    “Your hedge is too high.”
    “you forgot to take your trash down!”
    “Your car isn’t the same color as everyone elses on the court.”
    I have heard it all. The people who know me, know I love my kids to death and wouldn’t beat the living hell out of them, like I tend to say I will ALL the time. The other ones, I walk around in fuzzy green slippers just to piss them off. I hope they move someday. They are like Carol’s crazy neighbors!!

    I think the icing on the cake was when I named the dog, “Mooshu Mooshu Monkey Dog” and the when it slips out the front door we have all 13 of the neighbor kids yelling that name at the top of their lungs.

    I’ll do anything to get them to move.

  • MrsDoF

    No crazy neighbors here.
    Well, one fellow mows his lawn on the diagonal, but he’s a retired college professor, so we allow him his eccentric habits.
    For the most part, we get along, send casseroles for illness and funerals. These days, I don’t mind upward mobility.
    And we sure have gotten cookies and fruit baskets for the holiday. Making nice has its payoffs.

  • Kristine

    I love all but those ONE set of neighbors.
    Right now I am cropping the pictures from our Christmas party with our one neighbor we love.
    I’ll have them posted on flickr soon. I have avoided ALL pictures thus far. Thank God for cropping tools!!

  • jelene

    I love how in the google ads, you have “Fart machine wireless” ON SALE at prankplace dot com.

    That santa looks like the one here. How did he transplant himself so quick?

  • George Lover

    Ok, I don’t think Big Gay Sam’s comment was duly noted. ‘Sam, I think your Mary/Merry comment was hysterical.

  • Cammie

    Thanks for the sympathy…
    What about what Santa might be thinking? “This is the Armstrong girl, her Screaminess of Screamy Screams who is not screaming right now”

  • Bronya

    Best wishes for a very happy Chrissy season.

  • Nancy

    Okay. As a lesbian it shouldn’t have taken me three hours to have this aha moment, but if you were gay, you would not be up in the grill of someone named Jason… Maybe if there wasn’t a scrumptious bearded husband?!?

    Love the photo of the escape attempt :-)

  • Lesley

    You could add that photo to the Scared of Santa Photo Gallery (hope that tiny url works. I got it from your hub’s site!)

  • Girl.A

    Dooce is a hetero female.
    Kottke is an (I honestly don’t know) male.

    All up in yo grill can be 1. a gesture of sexual interest or 2. a confrontational threat.

    So if Dooce was gay, she would like females and perhaps she believes Kottke is a tranny? for the Sexual Interest Factor.

    Or, if Dooce was gay, and she liked females and wanted to cat fight Kottke – I guess she might also think he is a tranny for the Cat Fight Factor case to be made.

    Just my 2 cents (yes that is 2 pennies).

    the ambiguity is a killah

  • Girl.A

    oh yeah and there’s always the possibility that if Dooce was gay *she* would be the tranny and then it could either be a boy on girl fight (if Kottke was also a tranny) or a boy on boy fight if he was a perfectly normal hetero guy.

  • Amanda B.

    I had to share- I’m watching Larry King Live, Jack Hannah being the guest and bringing out all the critters and whatnot.

    So he brings out a Toucan and Larry King squeals, “Fruit Loops!”.

    You gotta love that senile old bastard.

  • Girl.A

    lol I likey fruit loops Amanda B.
    Am I senile too?

  • Amanda B.

    No mam. You are awesome.

    Link for you!

  • Fish with the Conch Shell

    anyone still here?

  • Fish with the Conch Shell

    Great. Now I’m the fucking assmint guy. Merry fuckin’ fishmas.

  • Lushlife

    Your luckier than I – you actually have the photographic proof – that you withstood the pressure of the wait. I got as far as backing my baby on to his lap, then as I tried to gently release and ease away she reached out with both hands and pulled my already deep neckline top out with all of her might and gave Santa a big eyefull. I gave it one minute and gave in to her howling -mainly so as to ease the pressure off the parents waiting in line. V.Merry to you and yours.

  • Amanda B.

    Feeeesh? Are you there?

  • Fish

    Holy crap, Amanda, Go to bed.

  • Amanda B.

    I don’t need no stinkin sleep. Sleep is for wusses.

  • Amanda B.

    Wait. Did I just get punked? Damn you Kutcher.

  • mrs. george #2

    How many of us are such no-life-having reprobates that we are going to check dooce first thing christmas morning? I, for one.

  • tickled

    Mrs.DoF: Mowing on the diagonal ECCENTRIC? Beg yo’ pardon. It’s gardener-recommended as the best way to do it–first week L. to R., second week R. to L., repeat ad lib. Makes the grass grow better, leaves no ruts from always mowing in the same direction. Use yo’ head,