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Newsletter: Month Five

Dear Leta, Today you turn five months old. FIVE! WHOLE! MONTHS! You’re practically an adult! Isn’t it about time you started paying rent? The first thing we should talk about is how you’ve slept through the night five nights in a row. And when I say slept through the night I don’t mean six or [...]


But the question you should be asking is, “Am I good enough to go to Heaven?”

How to Annoy Me

Forget to tell me that you have turned the toaster to level BURN THE SHIT OUT OF IT, and then when I go to toast a pop tart I burn down the neighborhood.

This is the post that they will read at the judgment bar of God to prove that I belong in Hell

Yesterday I found out that a young and impressionable cousin of mine is reading this website (Hi, George!). I found out because he sent me an email that began, “Dearest cousin Heather, I must say I thoroughly enjoy your website,” and ended with three attached photos of his new cat, Ass Face. While I consider [...]