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Second Amendment

This morning during a quiet moment of feeding Leta a bottle Jon turned to me and said, “Thank you, Heather, for giving me this wonderful creature,” after which Leta immediately let out a stuttering fart that sounded like a machine gun going off in our house. And for the first time in almost eight months [...]

Avon World Sales Leader and Granny

Holy Sabbath Day of Prayer

The Mormon Church holds a sort of general assembly type meeting twice a year, a meeting called General Conference where the leaders of the Church give talks about the same stuff you have to hear about over and over again in Sunday School every Sunday, stuff like: 1. The importance of being faithful 2. The [...]

The Brothers Boone

How to Charm Me

Point out that since I worked out in my pajamas, I didn’t actually remain in my pajamas all day. I remained in my work out clothes all day.

Email: But can you wire a dishwasher?

From: Andy Subject: Jeopardy genius? Chechnya and Chet Baker? No doubt your husband is an intellectual bruiser, but these are hardly Mensa-level topics. I knew them and I’m STATE COLLEGE educated. AK —— Dooce Note: Let us all bow before Andy, Oh STATE COLLEGE Educated Popper of My Little Bubble. I am PRIVATE COLLEGE educated [...]

How to Annoy Me

Get the questions right on “Jeopardy!” EVEN THOUGH YOU ARE DRUNK. I know “Who is Chet Baker?” was the obvious question, BUT YOU WERE DRUNK! Nothing should have been obvious. However, you did put your shoes away this morning without being asked to do so. All is forgiven.

The Other One

What is Chechnya?

Over the weekend Jon and I bought a post office box, except it’s not a post office box in the literal sense. It’s a box (NICE BOX!), and you can send mail there, but it isn’t at the post office. Who needs the Federal Government when you have UPS? Oh, capitalism! Many times I have [...]

Thinking

The Teeth. Leta’s teeth. Have arrived. PLEASE COMMENCE DIGGING MY GRAVE.