This is what happens when you tell the dog that no, he can’t come to the grocery store with you and the baby

  • Smark!

    First? oh…. um… nevermind…

  • Yamila

    Heather: I can relate to the name calling (Ranger and Jon)
    My boyfriend’s name is Jason and I have called him by my brother’s name Sebastian many a time. I think it has to do with age, after the 20s the name slipping and intertwinging comes into full force.
    It just slips out..

  • Dang cold..

    Waterproof?? I don’t know if I’d float too well with a gaping hole in my face like that duck’s got. Duckamortis might make it sink right to the bottom. Thing would wash up on some distant shore bloated and pecked by seagulls several days later.

  • Charlie

    Chuck bit its little pecker off.

  • Graygirl

    No more Fish blog….now I have more time to get some work done!


  • Library Girl

    Rubber Ducky Abuse!!!

  • SMA

    Chuck was being nice…..
    He thought that Leta needed a duck upgrade…
    That plain white duckie should be uograded with the pretty pink disco duckie…
    A truely magnificant duckie which lights up in magnificant colors everything it get thrown (sensor on the bottom is really neat)….
    Guys stop being so judgemental…
    The dog was all heart….
    p.s. the duck is water proof so to the bath we go….

  • Shawna

    I too thought of Ernie crooning his song to his rubber ducky, interrupted by a scream of “Oh no! Ducky! What have they DONE to you?”

  • cliclou

    That picture is A+++++ !

  • Claude

    So a duck is in a hotel with his lady friend duck and they start to get hot and heavy but they don’t have any duck protection.

    So they call down to the front desk and ask if they have any condoms that can be sent up.

    The desk clerk says, “Hey, no problem” and gets a bellhop to bring them up.

    Bellhop knocks on the door and delivers the condoms. The duck thanks him and the bellhop says, “Do you want me to put it on your bill?”

    Duck says, “Excuse ME?”

    Thank you, I’ll be here all week.

  • Shiz

    Yes, our army! We sent our 12 guys to the sandy Iraqi desert with GREEN Camouflage. They were hidden real good there, dorkwads.

  • Zorbs

    I can just imagine Chuck standing there with that guilty look on his face.

  • Claude

    See, I’m just the sort of obsessive that will go and look this crap up. Here’s the scoop on dogs eating chocolate. This information comes from

    “Chocolate contains a caffeine-like compound called theobromine. If a dog gets enough of this, it will trigger a seizure or a heart attack — particularly if the pooch is prone to epilepsy or has become overly excited…

    …the lethal dose depends on the size of the dog and the type of chocolate. The killer serving is approximately one ounce of milk chocolate, one-third ounce of semisweet chocolate, or one-tenth ounce of baker’s chocolate per pound of dog. This means I need 15 Hershey bars to knock off Wally the Schnauzer (22 pounds) — but if I go for the Special Dark, I can do it with only eight.”

    So now you know.

    Fish, take care and thanks for the smiles. Check in once in awhile if’n you can.

    Niffer, now what’s this about Santa!?

  • Dang cold…

    shit I once had really long hair and people kept calling me miss.

    Cry me a river Jon…sheesh.

  • Home Detention Lady


  • Shiz

    ACK! The sell the poop-coffee at my BELOVED Urban Fare!

  • Mrs.Strizzay

    Holy horny mormons batman.

    I only found this because apparently lots of pervs looking up Fat, sex, and housewife seem to find my blog. I am kinda skeeved.

  • Dang cold..

    -the niffer-

    we in fact do have an army. They were the 12 dudes throwing rocks at Iraq in Desert Storm ’91 then always ran away screaming when they returned fire. We brought beer though..lots and lots a beer.

  • DM

    No! The rubber ducky has been deformed! All life as I know it has been tarnished.

    Okay, not really. Cute pic. Love the story about calling Jon Ranger. I keep calling my roommate by my sister’s name and my sister by my roommate’s name. They are about to kill me.

  • Shiz

    Circus Kelli, I’m reminded of Luwak coffee, the kind where the fermented beans are fished out of Luwak (a type of weasel) poop.



  • the niffer

    Holy Shiz, I’ve been reading honeystrain fo-eva, too. And ditto with Canadian Army. I was like, we have an army?

  • stacy

    you mean it’s not honey train?

  • Don’t mean to pry….

    but Fish, we need more details!

    Okay, I did mean to pry.

  • Circus Kelli

    Honesty-Rain?! Wow… I’ve been reading it as Honesty-Train.

    Oh yeah… time for lunch.

  • Tracy (Kupferkopf)

    Thanks to the latest entry, I now have that bad 70′s song, “Lone Ranger” by Quantum Jump stuck in my head – anyone remember it?:

    “Tonto know that Kimosabi
    Never ever have a woman
    Tonto sometime stop and wonder
    What the trip with the great white brother
    Maybe masked man he a poofter
    Try it on with surly Tonto
    Let me say to mister lawman
    Tonto doesn’t mind…”

    Which of course has nothing to do with Dooce’s brother nor Leta enjoying books and/or farting (oh, girl after my own (f)heart!), but there it is.

    P.S. Fish/UpG-D: thanks for your manifishtation and reassurance… Glad you’re not forsaking the online realm entirely.

  • Circus Kelli

    Shiz, did your dog’s farts smell like “French Roast” for a while?

    Ya know, if you leave the Dooce daily photo page up and just F5 occasionally, you miss when Heather updates the front page until a bunch of (or at least two) people start with comments that seem to be off the wall. Then again, sometimes it’s really hard to tell when the comments are off the wall with a purpose like that, or just off the wall in general.

    I find myself strangely intrigued… and apparently in need of nourishment and/or caffiene.

  • Shiz

    I can’t read.

    Honesty-Rain, I’ve been reading you as “Honeystrain” for WEEKS.

    And Canadian Amy was until very recently always “Canadian Army” to me.

    I’m a wee bit dyslexic.

  • Dazed & Confuzed


  • Amanda B.

    Fishy- You will always be way hotter than Tony Danza in my book.

    Smooches for you and Hot wife and Little E.

  • Shiz

    My uncle’s dog ate a pound of coffee beans under the Christmas tree one year. I think he was hyper after that. And sick.

  • honestyrain

    my dog eats diapers and gets up on the dining room table looking for scraps.

    who eats diapers? how gross is it to eat a diaper. i mean, the duckie, ok, but a diaper?


  • Mrs.Strizzay

    My dog eats chocolate all the time. She will devour a whole bag if she can. Hasn’t done her in yet, but we keep trying.


  • Cristin

    HA striz! lol

  • Dang cold..

    No one has explored the possibility that this duck pulled a van gogh and did this to himself???? It would explain the absence of K9 fangs or the lack of defensive wounds on ducky???


  • stacy

    Maybe the Lego Mafia saw Fish’s extensive collection and put a hit on him because he was taking all their glory. Damn Lego mafia, they get you every time. I guess that’s what he gets for showing off.

  • Mrs.Strizzay

    Fish will be back. Pretty soon the cold sweats will kick in and he will be rocking back and forth asking for just one more blog.

  • the niffer

    Chris – chocolate cakes don’t usually kill dogs because the chocolate is pretty diluted. I used to know a formula back when I was a vet tech for figuring out if a dog was in danger after consuming the box of chocolates under the Christmas tree/chocolate cakes on tables/junior’s pudding cup etc.

    Essentially, a great dane can eat a chocolate bar and at most might have a bit of gas, but if a chihuahua eats a square of baker’s bittersweet chocolate it could mean lights out for the little gaffer.

  • the niffer

    Doh. There he is.

  • a

    The strangest part is that he didn’t swallow it. It was almost there to taunt you, make sure you know what he is capable of!
    p.s. New here in case anyone is like “who the heck is a?”

  • the niffer

    Wait. Fish is uppercase GOD? I feel like I just found out Santa’s not real. (I also feel very dumb.) And just when I thought I’d found religion.

    Come back soon Fish. We miss you already!

  • Shiz

    I love that duck. Poor duck.

  • The artist formerly known as Fish

    Dear Doocelings,

    I promised myself that I wasn’t going to do this, but I feel like I have to after seeing what some of you have written here. Please do not worry, nothing terrible has happened to me or my family. It’s just that life sometimes takes you in a different direction than you intended. I’m sorry that I can’t be any less vague than that.

    Thank you so much for your wonderful sentiments. Although Symbioticfishes is RIP, I’ll still be around here and there.

    So PLEASE, no more requiem-type stuff. I’m not nearly as dead as that duck.

    Truly yours,
    le Feeesh

  • Chad

    Nice shot, good F stop.

  • Matteus

    Another nose job gone completely overboard! Mr. Jackson would be appauled

  • Matteus

    Another nose job gone completely overboard…mr. jackson would be appauled!

  • Seven

    It’s one of the debeaked chickens on the KFC cruelty tape.

  • shellibells

    It’s not all it’s quacked up to be! I bet you could sell that on ebay!!!

  • OregonKim

    Take THAT you evil spawn of Donald and Daisy.

    Oh and mom? You’re mean, Emily would let me go.

    signed chuck

  • Cindy

    Chuck can go grocery shopping for me anytime. I hate it!

  • Dang cold…

    On CNN…

    “at 360 rockingham in brentwood, a bloody duck bill is found and a jobless moocher named kato kaelen hears three quacks on his wall in the guest house. Chuck the dog claims he was chewing golf balls and rolling in shit on his front lawn all night and then had to hurry to catch a plane to chicago.Yet police find blood and feathers in his white ford bronco..”