Dusk over wires

Wow! Top 10! And such a gorgeous picture! Keep up the good work… we all love you

First day of school in High School. I was very excited because I was amped up to be the most studious person in the entire world. So I get to my first class, which is English, and I’m told has the most harsh grading teacher. Everyone is silent as student by student goes up and reads an essay explaining who they were and what they liked, etc. So I go up to the teachers desk very quietly and ask if I can use a pen because I didn’t bring one..she glared at me and said “no”. Then as I turn around to head back to my seat, my foot gets caught around the wire to her desk lamp. Sending it crashing across her desk, and shattering the lovely picture of her and her fiance’ into a million pieces. Her coffe mug splattered across her white skirt, her glasses got crushed, and one student had to go to the nurse to have a piece of light buld removed from her leg.

I was tormented all the way up until I surrendered to home schooling.

I was in junior high (grade 9) and was expiramental. My friend and I decided that we really wanted to know what it was like to kiss another girl and to fool around with another girl. So we decide that the schools nurses room is the best place for our expiramenting. So we go in there a few times and make out. Each time we went in there we got more courageous and did more and more things. We would take turns as to who was lying down with pants down and who was on top. I happened to be on top this particular day when suddenly the door unlocks. A teacher came in and froze. I had sat up and she was still lying there.

Of course our parents were called. We had thankfully discussed what we’d say if we were ever caught. We figured we’d have enough time to sit up before the teacher saw one leaning over the other. We were wrong.

The excuse was that she needed someone to talk to. I was that someone. However when asked why I was leaning over her and her pants were down I came up with “I was giving her a hug and her pants were down because she has a bladder problem (which thankfully she did) and was letting her pants dry without being on her”.

My parents believed the story (my stepmom doubted it and didn’t want me to have sleepovers after that but dad vetoed her and I was able to still) and I think hers did too but I very much doubt the teachers did.

Going to school and seeing those teachers (and secretary who knew about it) was a very hard thing to do.

My most embarrassing moment is not sexual in nature but then again I am still pretty young, I have plenty of time.

I’m Catholic, and I cantor at Mass a lot, usually at least once a month. A few years ago, in the summer, I was singing a mass and it was getting to the end, and I was sitting there off to the side in front of the congregation facing the priest in my cute little summer dress and my cute little white slides as my old, traditional, and very Irish priest stands to say his announcements. The church is nice and quiet and the priest is going on and I shift a little, and I go to cross my legs. My feet (in their cute little slides) were sweaty, because I live in Georgia and it’s hot in the summer. So, somehow, beyond all scientific probability, in mid-cross I kick off my shoe. Not just knock it off my foot. I KICK MY SHOE OFF. It flies in a perfect parabolic arc halfway across the front of the church, slams into the floor and bounces the rest of the way across in a thundering cacophony of my destroyed dignity until it slows to a stop about a foot away from the priest.

Father Redden stops in mid sentence. He looks at the shoe. He looks at me. He looks at the congregation. I sit in abject horror. They stare in bewildered shock.

“They’re throwing shoes at me now,” he says, and the congregation explodes with laughter.

I know that it is a scientific impossibility to die of shame, but I really thought I was going to. I thought I would blush so hard I would spontaneously combust. It’s been years and I still haven’t heard the end of it. We recently got a new priest, and that’s the first thing they warned him about. Beware the flying shoes.

Holy shit, you people are killing me. Great stories…

FIRST!

No you are not!

yay happy blogibirthday dooce!
here’s to the next four years.

do we get a “state of the internet” address??

As for embarrassing moments… This is such a vague memory for me, but my mom made sure I knew every detail after the fact.

When I was sixteen I had appendicitis. And the pain had me half out of my mind. My mom and I were in the examination room at the hospital, and they hadn’t figured out what was wrong with me yet.

The doc thought maybe it was a ruptured ovarian cyst. Whatever. I was like the hunchback of notre dame, drooling and cursing and asking for euthanasia. He said we should do an internal exam.

My mom said, “But she’s ON HER PERIOD.”

He said, “Oh well, we can still INVESTIGATE.” He turned to me. “Do you have a tampon in right now? Because if you do, you will need to take it out.”

I looked at him through the blur of pain. “Okay.” I said. I hopped off the table, pulled off my shorts, bent over and yanked out the tampon.

“Here.” I held it out to him, justa swingin’ side to side like a bloody amulet.

My mother, who worked at this same hospital, almost fainted. He was an old doctor. He left the room.

I ended up getting surgery without the internal first.

Scarlett – I saw that but it was NOTHING compared to how I couldn’t stop moving my head emphatically through my whole introduction speech!

That’s hot.

To Caroline…

Yep, William Clayton Williams III.

That is why he went by his middle name… Clayton.

Earlier I introduced Academy Award nominees and swung my arms uncontrollably the whole time. On National TV. I was mortified!

Dooce, you re-opened the comments!

And I spent all weekend planning my Colins for Comments campaign to follow Metro and Amanda B’s Butts for Butterflies campaign…

Lovely pic, by the way.

#106 is waay funny. #118 is good too.

my story is :
i was a 12th grader at the talent show in my high school. i have no talent whatsoever, but this was a competition between four groups and there needed to be an acting portion (like, acting out a scene from a play) and i got dragged into it.

so there i am, on stage, with hundreds of people watching, camcorders, etc, and i do my lines, and the policeman that was arresting me comes in and arrests me. and then this girl, damn her, was supposed to come into the scene and do her lines and then it would all be over. but she didn’t hear her cue, and then when she missed it she was too embarrassed to come on stage. so there i am, on the middle of the stage, with nothing to say and shooting murderous glances at this girl that wouldn’t come onstage. we repeated our lines, i struggled with the policeman, i stared blankly at the audience… it dragged on FOREVER! and then some MERCIFUL creature closed the curtain.

Okay, this one time in Drama class our fruity-hippy Clown College graduate teacher was making us jog in a circle and catch a ball that we would bounce to each other while still jogging in a circle. And we had to yell something really retarded before throwing the ball, I forget what it was, but it evolved into people just making the randomest noises, like “Bululugillylughuh!” and then throwing the ball. And it set us all laughing. And, of course, I “laughed so hard I pissed my pants.” Right there in front of my crush, a senior and oh so pretty. I was mortified, and to this day still have nightmares about him laughing at me with the teacher, Miss “Fruity Clown College” whose clown name was “Bo”, how UN-original is “Bo the Clown,” you hippy nightmare from Hell. MAY YOU BE DOOMED TO ONLY PERFORM SHITTY CHILDRENS PARTIES FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, YOU CLOWN!

See, I’m still bitter.

-MiS

Everyone seems to like the sex stories best, so here it goes!

16 years of age, 9 years ago…

Early spring is a cold, cold place in Pennsylvania indeed. My boyfriend (William Clayton Williams) and I had done the deed when and where we could. This mostly was in snowy baseball fields late at night or other uncomfortable outdoors situations. Well, we decided that we wanted to know what the experience was like somewhere warm (and perhaps soft) so we made plans for a late night hump in the finished basement of my family home. There were couches and heat and… It was underneath the front part of the house away for family slumbers and there was an easily open window.

The one part we didn’t take into consideration was my parent’s ancient crappy Old English sheepdog, Maggie.

Well, sex is just being done and then the light comes on leading downstairs and my parents open the basement door. Clayton jumps unclothed behind the couch and I cover up with a blanket after quickly hiding all loose clothes-items.

My parents ask what I am doing in the basement at this time of night, and I say that I was going to sleep down there for a change of pace. Suddenly, that damn dog bolts from behind my parents and jump over me and the couch and on top of Clayton biting him on the arm. He screams, jumps up, grabs a shirt and wraps it about his waist, bolts past my parents and upstairs and out of the door with only his shirt about his bits and white socks on into the snowy night.

The rest of the night is a blur and I am grounded for no less than the whole entire season of spring.

I found out later that the dog had gone to my parent’s room and dragged them downstairs, Lassie style straight to the basement!

Clayton and I broke up soon after the basement thing happened, but with him the story does not end so simple. He later believed he could not live without me and called in a bomb threat to my school just so that he could see me! He was found out and was sent away for a while…

As for me, the dog and I only made friends again years later when I took care of her before she died… and I never had sex in my parents’ house again.

i was going to go into an embarrassing story, but #106 is pretty fucking funny, i don’t think i can top that.

This was just this past weekend. In a International law moot court competition, Jessup Moot Court, I’m compiting againt several different law schools, from several different states. In one of the rounds, I was making my argument. Part of my argument deals with ‘unhabitated sandbars’ that the opposing side was trying to sue ‘my client’ for economic damages to this area. CANT BE DONE! THEY DONT OWN IT.
So, I’m in front of a panel of 3 ‘excellencies’, making my points and answering their questions. I hit home the point that they are ‘uninhibited sand bars’ UNINHIBITED! These sandbars really got their grove on! Thank god that during the argument I had NO CLUE what I said, because I would have started to laugh. My team-mates, on the other hard….well, lets just say uninhibited was the ‘laugh til you wet’ word all night.

#106 – that is the highlight of my life.. and I’ve saved it on my computer. lol I have never heard anything like that – not even in the “embarassing moments” thing in Cosmo! :-O

**knock on wood** I don’t have any embarrassing stories yet! woohoo!

#106 – Best. Story. EVER. I almost peed. No, honestly.

veg4 me: it appears you might be loose.

this commenter couldn’t help pointing that out. i’m loose too but that has stuff to do with other things that i’m sure you’re too catholic to know about.

my whole life is a lesson in cover up after cover up.
i would pick one but i’m too hungover.

A lovely picture of the sky and the moon, a calm scene, yes-yes.
Someone mentioned the Diva Cup here awhile back, and, well, I ordered one, and mentioned the Dooce.com Comments section as my reference source. The Google ads might play catch-up.

While walking back to my dorm after a long day in Greenwich Village my tampon fell out. Thankfully, it was the 80′s and I was wearing my trademark black leggings which lodged that nasty thing right against my upper left thigh, vs. it falling all the way out. A valuable lesson in gravity, maximum absorbancy of an OB tampon and the importance of Kegel exercises.

Austin doesn’t transfer well — that was creepy. Sorry all.