Happy Fourth Blog Birthday to this Behemoth of A Project

I’ve never celebrated my blog birthday (that sounds like a venereal disease, “That bastard gave me blog birthdays”) because the first year it happened to coincide with my being fired for the blog itself, and then after that it just didn’t seem to matter. Now, four years after I started, I realize that this website has lasted longer than any relationship I’ve ever been in. I don’t think I want to know what that says about me.

Usually I’ve celebrated the anniversary of the beginning of my unemployment, but this year I’ll celebrate the venereal disease.

Yesterday we went snowboarding again and I found myself in so many embarrassing positions, once twisted into a pretzel as I got off the lift. The lift operator had to stop the lift, get out of his hut, and assist Jon in freeing my legs from the board.

Thing is, I’m rarely very embarrassed anymore. At least not like I used to get. Maybe it’s age, maybe it’s all the poop I have to touch and pick up on a daily basis, but I don’t have that many embarrassing moments anymore, meaning that people are probably embarrassed for me all the time and I just don’t notice.

This is such a lame question, but this year I want to know about some of your most embarrassing moments. Here’s one of mine:

I was a teacher’s assistant my senior year in high school and one afternoon she didn’t have any papers for me to grade or lessons to help her plan, so I put my head down on my desk in the back of the room to take a quick nap. I had a dream that a I farted. It was such a violent dream that it woke me up rather abruptly and I hit the desk with both of my knees as I jerked awake. The desk moved almost a couple feet from the impact, and when I looked up at the class surrounding me, they were all laughing and staring in disbelief. I had actually farted, in my sleep, and it was was so explosive that the desk moved. And then I went on to give a speech at graduation.

Your turn.

  • http://niamh.snowedin.net Niamh

    Here’s two for the price of one, both from high school because, you know, that’s when you do the most embarrassing stuff. Anyway.

    There was a very, very, very hot and young teacher in my highschool, Mr. D. Almost every hormonal high school girl had a crush on him. One day, in a hurry (as I often was–I was constantly flattening people against the lockers as I tore through the hallways), I blazed by the Guidance office door just as Mr. D was coming out. Not only did I body slam him, but also, red with embarrasment and trying to run away, I realized that I had my wrist stuck through the lanyard on his keychain, which was hanging out his back pocket. Read as: my wrist was on his ass.

    #2: a ski story, to follow the theme: I had an epic crush on a boy named Adam from about fourth grade until sophomore year of high school. In eighth grade, we were on a school ski trip and waiting for the chair lift to go up the measly mountain. I stepped forward, but for some unknown reason, Adam hung back. Maybe he wanted to wait for someone else, maybe he just didn’t want to ride with me, but I decided I would wait, too. I sidestepped, thinking I’d avoiding the path of the chair. Next thing I knew, I was flat on my face, the incoming chair having RUN ME OVER. They had to stop the lift, then Adam and I had to ride up the mountain together and it was not romantic at all.

    Happy anniversary!

  • http://www.missnexus.com/mind nexy

    Happy Blog Birthday =)

  • http://www.homedetentionlady.squarespace.com Home Detention Lady

    What a coincidence – I just wrote about one of my most humiliating moments ever over on my blog. Go check it out people and gimme some damn traffic!!

  • http://jpandthemegabeast.blogspot.com/ JP

    I have to pick only one?

    I have a similar farting story…only I was hanging out with my husband’s family. It was REALLY late and I just couldn’t keep my eyes open…I farted and woke myself up. Everyone pretended not to notice and continued watching TV (or whatever) I’m still surprised that the let me stay in the family. Its probably only for my daughters that they let me stick around.

    Happy 4th Blog day! I (and of course I’m not alone) am so glad that you keep this going every day. I LOVE it! My day just isn’t complete without my daily dose of dooce!

  • http://politerevenge.blogpsot.com Manda

    This is probably not the most embarrassing moment, but for some reason the most memorable. When I was about 10 I was a cheerleader on one of those squads for kids. It was already pretty embarrassing that I was the tallest and largest girl on the squad. Anyway, we had to do this cute little cheer where we kicked our leg up in the air. In a 10 year old pure adrenaline rush I kicked as hard as I could and my shoe flew off and ended up hitting someone in the stands.

  • montanakb

    Several years ago, I was living in upstate New York and my best friend had moved to Atlanta. We decided to meet for a girls’ weekend in NYC. We rented a really cool loft condo and planned shopping, dinners out, etc. I also should add that this friend is, as we like to tease her, high maintenance. She has the perfect black leather loafers, jeans, Coach bag, and leather coat for a NYC trip. Perfect make-up. Perfect hair. Shopping with her, sales clerks can smell “This girl is gonna spend some money,” while I am virtually ignored. She is well-manicured and quite sophisticated. Just so you know who we’re talking about here …

    So, the place we rented had super-high ceilings; the bathroom was one walled-in corner of the living room. The walls were normal height, but since the ceilings were so high, they didn’t reach all the way up, leaving a space between the top of the wall where someone in the living room could hear everything going on in the bathroom.

    My friend got up before me and showered and got . It was my turn. As I hit the bathroom, I realized I needed to poop. She was sitting on the other side of that tall, but partial wall, reading on the couch. “How will I poop without her hearing me?” I thought. I came up with the ultimate master plan. “I will turn on the shower, then poop, and she’ll never hear me,” I thought. “But I can’t flush or I’ll get a blast of hot water in the shower. So I’ll wait until I’m done showering to flush.”

    Brilliant. Fucking brilliant. Everything went according to plan.

    EXCEPT THAT I forgot to flush.

    After my shower, I was having some coffee and breakfast in the kitchen when Elizabeth went into the bathroom. “Did someone leave me a surprise in the bathroom?” she yelled.

    You can imagine my horror. We both laughed hysterically. And, to this day, if there is something I’m embarrassed to talk about, she says, “Tell me. I’ve seen your poop, for God’s sake,” and we laugh hysterically all over again.

  • can’t fart anymore

    My horrific story also relates to farting and happened when I was about 13 and was in Salt Lake City to visit my brother who lived there at the time. We were at a party at his boss’s house and we were all outside playing that ridiculous croquet lawn game. It was my turn to hit the ball and I was desperately trying to impress this hot 14-year-old boy I had my eye on. Just as I hit the ball with the mallet, the most ripping fart ever came out of my ass. For a moment, I thought that maybe – just maybe – the sound of the mallet hitting the ball covered the sound that just came out of my butt. But no… hell no. Everyone stared at me in silence and then a few people actually started to laugh. If that happened to me, say last week, I would have joined in on the laughing too. But as a geeky 13-year-old, all I could do was run inside before the tears could hit the ground. Sadly enough, the boy actually felt sorry for me and came in to ask if I had a stomach ache. I think I have only farted like once in the 17 years proceeding that horrific event. Now, my husband makes fun of me because I CAN’T fart. Perhaps I have just trained myself not to.

  • http://erinslick.typepad.com ErinSlick

    I was in 8th grade and having my period. During Biology, I had that sensation between my legs and knew that I must. go. to. the. bathroom. now. Or face severe embarassment. I raised my hand and asked (I’m so polite even in a crisis), but she wouldn’t let me go. 50 minutes later, I got up to leave my seat and my best friend noticed not only a huge blood stain on my jeans, but a puddle of blood on the chair. Not knowing what to do, I skulked to the bathroom and hung out until my best friend could procure another pair of pants. It was horrifying! Living down that blood on the seat took two full years!

  • http://www.joeparadox.com Danielle

    As a preteen, I took gymnastics. I was pretty good and could do back handsprings and eleven thousand cartwheels in a row.

    Most of the girls in my gymnastics class had slim, athletic bodies.
    They didn’t bother wearing a bra under their t-shirts to class, so I figured I shouldn’t have to, either. This was a mistake because I had boobs.

    During mat practice, I ran across the mat and turned a cartwheel. My t-shirt flew up, exposing my chest to the entire gymnasium.

    My instructor, a man whose name I have blocked from memory since that day, said, “Hey, Danielle, you might want to think about WEARING A BRA TO CLASS FROM NOW ON!”

    If I knew the word “motherfucker” back then, I’m sure I would have called him one.

    Instead, I ran to the locker room, sobbing, and never returned. It was the worst, most embarrassing moment of my life and I still have boob issues to this day because of it.

    Over the years, though, I’ve honed the skill of embarrassing myself in public to a fine art form.

  • http://mdwannab.blogspot.com/ MDWannaB

    A while back, I had really long hair and was thinking about cutting it and donating it to Locks of Love. When I told one of my co-workers (I work at a hospital) about it, she got all excited and said that she would cut her hair with me and she wanted to know how much hair you had to donate. I told her that I would call my hair salon and find out and let her know later. So, later on in the day, we decided to take a smoke break together. As we come back, there is the resident I had a huge, huge crush on for like a year, getting on the same elevator as me and her and he says hi to us. The elevator trip was quiet and like a true suave, I turned to my friend and said, “Oh, Nicole, by the way, it’s ten inches.” To which, he turned around and said, “Ladies, I have to ask you what you’re talking about.” Even the visitor in the elevator turned around laughed. Omg. Shades of purple that day… :o )

  • poopedmypants

    When I was 15 years old I had a horrible attack of diarrhea while driving down a busy street in my boyfriend’s Jeep. I lost all control of my bowels and pooped ALL OVER THE SEAT! He had to hose out the poop! It was that bad. Life doesn’t get more embarrassing than that.

  • http://ayendeeareeeayaitch.blogs.com/ayendeeareeeayaitch AyEnDeeAreEeAyAitch

    Am, I too late? Hope not.

    in 1993 i was 18 and worked part time at a grocery store deli. My best friend worked in the bakery. One day they hired a new meat man (the meat dept. was inbetween the baker and the deli) He was really hot and made us both very nervous.

    One day I was carrying a huge wet cardboard box of defrosted chicken into the fry area. The box split and all the chicken parts went flying out all over the floor. When I tried to stand up I slipped in chicken blood and when I tried to stand up again I slipped again and got even more chicken blood on me. I was covered head to toe in chicken blood. My spiffy white shirt and blue apron were sopped. Worst part was I really hurt myself and the manager wouldn’t even let me go home and change so I had to stay at work all day in sopped chicken bloodied clothes. I could have gotten salmonella!

    Meat department guy just stood there and watched me and laughed without even offering to help. I was so embarrassed. Everyone called me Chicky after that.

    He ended up liking my best friend instead of me. Which is fine because he gave her crabs. True story.

  • http://www.dooce.com/archives/daily/photo The Old Broad

    I was at Costco w/ my hubby browsing through the books, completely unaware of my surroundings. Without looking up, I moved closer to my husband who was nearby and gently leaned my head on his shoulder.

    Problem: It wasn’t my husband. (!) Unbeknownst to me, my real hubby had gone around the isle of books and was now at the opposite end, on the other side of the store!

    The man I had just gotten cozy with jumped 3 feet into the air, looked at me like I had the plague, said “You’ve completely lost it lady!” and fled.

    If no one else had witnessed this, I probably could have laughed my way out of it, but *several* people, including my hubby saw the whole thing and laughed their asses off.

    I was completely mortified. This happened over 15 years ago but to this day, whenever I think about it, I do a little heebie dance inside.


    In other more happy news: Happy Blogiversary, Dooce! Here’s to many, many more!

  • http://www3.baylor.edu/~Shay_Pierce/journal.html IQpierce

    Up through my Junior year of college, I was badly out of shape. But I was in denial of this, and thought I would have no trouble in a Weight Training P.E. class.

    The “final exam” of this class involved doing, I think, 80 consecutive sit-ups. The students did these one at a time, so all the students stood around watching whoever was doing them at the moment. Also, another student had to “help” the student doing sit-ups by holding down their feet. That student’s face is generally right between the knees of the person doing the sit-ups.

    In other words, if you were to release a fart while doing these sit-ups, it would be unspeakably embarrasing.

    In my first sit-up, as I sat up, I farted.

    In my second sit-up, as I sat up, I farted again.

    Me: Sit up, fart, sit up, fart, sit up, fart.
    Other students: (Poor attempts to stifle laughter.)
    Student with his face between my knees: “Oh my God…”

    I finally got it under control after about dozen farts. Meanwhile, I did my best to look EXTREMELY serious and hissed “don’t EVEN SAY ANYTHING.”

    Oddly enough, the guy who was holding my feet down became one of my best friends during the next year of college, my Senior year. (I also got into MUCH better shape during that year.)

  • http://heather-anne.com Heatheranne

    Well I don’t know how embarrassed I was because I was laughing too hard to be embarrassed. My last year in college our instructor arranged for us to go to a drug identification seminar about three hours from home. It was a three night getaway with my classmates, who were also my best friends. There were four of us girls, my instructor, one boy from our class, a guy who worked in my instructors lab and a police officer who worked in the crime lab. Naturally every night we were drunk and every day we were hung over.

    On our way home we all stopped at a McDonalds to eat. We were sitting on one of those long benches. I was sitting at the very end. I was tired and hung over and I did this before I thought about it. Just as my friend who was sitting next to me looked over at me, I lifted one side of my ass and ripped the loudest fart of my life. It ECHOED! What was even funnier was that the police officer was sitting on the other end of the bench (about 4 people away from me) and he said he felt the bench vibrate.

    Oh my god. I’m laughing so hard right now just thinking about it and it was 3 years ago.

  • Crazy Twin Mom

    De-lurking for the first time to share…and Heather, try twins…twice the poop, twice the fun…

    In college, I was in the International Student Club (had never stepped foot out of the US—Dork, defined—but, hey, they drank more.) Every year they had an ‘event’ where all the international students would cook food from their county, then they would preform skits afterwards. The US students (no, I wasn’t the only one) decided to do a commercial between the skits. Our commercial was ‘hair-gaine’ a take on Rogaine. Tres witty, non?

    Anyway, I was supposed to say the guy was Follic-ly challenged. Instead I said he was Phallic-ly challenged. Thus solidifying the most embarrassing moment for TWO people in the world. In front of, the President of the University, community leaders, and half of the student body.

    It’s on tape too. Nice.

  • http://www.mangophreek.com marko Savic

    Having to speak at commencement in the fall. Or, well, thinking my partner had the speech and she thought I had the speech and well, no one had the speech. I had to run off stage in front of 400 of my peers, teachers and parents… And then the VPs made fun of me on the microphone.

    At least I’m not afraid of public speaking anymore…

  • CaliWineGirl

    Happy Blog-Day, Heather!

    This is such a fun, yet horrifying topic…can I just take advantage of this opportunity to give my embarrassment trifecta?

    When I was 9 years old, I went away to Hume Lake Wagon Train camp, where we bunked every night in covered wagons. In keeping with the rustic theme, our mail was delivered every day by Pony Express. Being somewhat vertically challenged and wanting the best vantage point for the arrival of the mail, I hopped up on a big pine tree stump for a better view. My excitement grew as the pounding of distant hooves and flying gravel grew closer and closer. And then, there he was, the pony express guy, cresting up over the hill with the BIG leather mail bags. He hurled the bags through the air with all his might. They sailed toward their intended destination (usually a big dirt area which insured a safe landing), but on their way, the bag diverted, clocking me squarely in the face, and proceeded to wrap around my tiny frame much like a ringer in horseshoes. I hurtled backwards off of the tree stump, buried under a heavy leather bag and 500 campers-worth of letters from home. I hear to this day, they’re still talking about it…

    Fast forward 6 years. Summer at grandma’s house in Modesto. Boredom. Then, grammy’s friend calls and says her 19 year old, semi-pro baseball player, hottie of a son has invited me over to swim. I’d love to, but don’t have a suit. Not a problem says grammy’s friend, who was, in her day, considered a MILF. She has a bikini I can wear. So, off I go. I perform my best swan dive off the board, a 9.0 dive if I say so myself, and I hit that cold water and cut if like a knife. So cleanly, in fact, that the borrowed suit (which was a bit large), stayed neatly on top of the water while my naked little body jettisoned through the water. When I surfaced, the Object of My Affection was standing at the edge of the pool grinning, saying “uhm, I think you forgot something…” Duh.

    Finally, and probably the worst, was recently. Let me preface this by saying that long ago, I was at a place in my life where I just glided through – the world was my oyster, and I was very cool. Well, those days are over, as I now stumble and flail along at best, just to get through each day. That said, the latest act of embarrassment has probably been my worst. It happened at the salad bar at the hospital where I worked. It happened to be Chinese Chicken Salad night (3rd shift), and I found myself sharing the trough with adorable Dr. Chris. He commented on how much he loves Chinese chx salad, and suddenly out of nowhere I hear this voice, apparently emanating from ME. “Oh, I’ve got a great recipe for this..” he just smiled, maybe somewhat sadly, at this poor woman. I persisted, “I can email it to you, if you’d like” At which point he finally declined. Okay, no harm-no foul, and I left with my dignity still somewhat intact. At the end of my shift, I trudge down to the basement and into the hallway that leads to the parking structure. And who do I meet on the way out, but Dr. Chris. Do I detect a bit of panic on his face as he recognizes his chicken salad stalker from earlier in the evening?! The short walk from the hallway to the parking lot which normally takes 4.5 seconds, seemed interminable. So I attempt to make small talk – nothing too serious, so as not to frighten him further – and he responds in kind. I’m relieved to see that he’s not holding the pushing of the recipe against me. He say’s something witty during our course of clever repartee, and I start to offer a complimentary giggle, which somehow inverts, and releases from my body as a sort of snort. A loud, flapping soft palate against the back of my throat kind of snort. It came from somewhere in the back of my nose/throat area. It was so horrible. Last I saw was Dr. Chris’ hind end as he sprinted to his car. Too bad he’s not an ENT doctor. I’d have him fix that soft palate problem.

    Hope my reminiscing wasn’t too boring for the rest of you – actually it was kind of cathartic for me. Now maybe I can move on…!

    Thanks so much, Heather, for a great site and for bringing a bright spot into my life with your daily tomes … Love it!

  • http://warcrygirl.diaryland.com warcrygirl

    I worked as a travel agent for all of 8 months. One day after lunch a young couple came in to inquire about some plane tickets. As I cheerfully looked up fares and chatted with them, smiling broadly the entire time I noticed they were looking at me with a look of shock mixed with horror. I had no idea what their deal was so I continued with the transaction. After they left I went to the back to get some more water and happened to glance in the mirror. There, stuck to my one cock-eyed tooth was an entire bean hull from the bean burrito I had for lunch. Tres Classy!

  • http://randomsoutherner.blogspot.com Phyllis Overstreet

    At the grocery store checkout, wanting to write a check & digging around in my bag for a pen–pulling stuff out & jamming it into my other hand. Among the stuff: an unwrapped pad, which I was conveniently flailing about in the air. My husband found it much funnier than I did.

  • http://dev.freeverse.com/blogs/kerewin/ kerewin

    I was taking a night class to learn Spanish and of course, I was at home until the last minute doing the homework that was due, so I was in my flannel pajama pants (they were cute, which is my excuse for wearing them out of the house). My period chose that evening to start and I didn’t have any protection. I was called up to the board to do some exercises and let’s just say the professor sent me home at the break to change.

  • Geeky Girl

    High school, senior year – I’d been on the drill team for all 4 years, expecting to be picked for co-captain when senior year rolled around. We get a new team advisor, who meets with us and tells us that instead of voting among ourselves who we want for captain, we now have to TRYOUT for the position. And our tryout consists of being assigned a junior member of the squad, coming up with an impromptu choreography routine, teaching it to them in 20 minutes and performing it in front of the whole squad – yes, right now! GO!

    Needless to say, I did not perform well under pressure – my student and I were awkward, our (my) routine was crap, I messed up and had to ask to start again. I started crying while I was asking them to start the music again, because I knew I’d fucked up something I really wanted that I’d been taking for granted.

    I blamed my assigned underclassman, I railed that it wasn’t fair to spring this on us, I was an ass about it…and then I got to spend the whole season with all these people who’d seen me lose it so spectacularly, watching the co-captains with their special pom poms and feeling the humiliation down into my soul.

    Pooping on the table while I delivered my son ranks a close second.

  • http://bonald.blogspot.com Bonnie

    Hmmm . . . most embarrassing? That’s tough. I tend to embarrass easily.

    OK, I’ve got one! Prom night, 1983. My date and I have bailed on the prom and gone to the parking lot of the YMCA. I didn’t have to be home until some insance hour like 4 a.m., and I sure wasn’t going home one minute earlier. He brought an alarm clock and set it for a few minutes before 4.

    Next thing I knew, I was waking up with bright lights flooding into the car. My date stepped out of the car to explain to the friendly policeman why we were taking a nap in the YMCA parking lot. Yep, that’s when the alarm clock went off!

  • http://spuriousplum.blogspot.com Spurious Plum

    When I met my high-school boyfriend’s frou-frou parents for the very first time for dinner, I had a bad cold and I couldn’t stop sneezing. Boyfriend’s mom kept offering me something to drink, and I kept guzzling soda, like an ass.

    When my boyfriend’s father asked me about applying to college, I opened my mouth and produced the MOST AMAZING SOUND EVER. My head cold and a soda-filled digestive system produced the awesome combination of huge sneeze and giant belch simultaneously.

    That’s right, the SNELCH.

    Thus far, I’ve never been able to duplicate this spectacular feat. But I’m DYING to.

  • http://stacyone.typepad.com/slices_ostacy/ Stacy

    Happy VD Day!

    I was at a play one day with my Mom (‘My Fair Lady’, if memory serves, this was about 15 years ago) and when I used the ladies’ room at intermission, one side of my g-string broke. No big deal, I just threw them away and went commando for the rest of the afternoon.

    After the show we went out to eat. I parked the car and waited at the crosswalk for the light to change. Waved at Mom, waited, waited. Big gust of wind came up and blew my skirt up over my head. My Mom and every single car waiting at the light saw EVERYTHING.

  • http://orangetangerine.blogspot.com orange

    One of my peak episodes of embarrassment wasn’t actually that embarrassing since I was barely awake for it. It was college art history class, with a pair of notoriously hardass profs. Morning classes were tough to stay awake for, especially during those lights-off slide shows in art history. So I nodded off…only to be awakened by the professor’s long pointer stick (about the length of a cue stick) prodding me in the shoulder. “Wake up!” she hissed.

    I never sat closer than the sixth row after that experience.

  • ann no e

    i was trying to be alllllllll professional and it was my first week of work. i was supervising a couple of people who were older than me and i was trying to act like i deserved to be. i was walking around my office and walking back into mine when one of my new subordinates pointed out to me that the zipper in the back of my pants was totally broken and exposing my ass, because i was wearing a thong. actually, thank god i was wearing underwear at all. everyone knew that my ass was all out in the open, whether or not they saw it. yipee! great impression!!!

    then there was the time when i was blitzed and i went to the bathroom, of course, not sitting on the toilet and peed all in my pants. i pulled my jeans up and felt the pee going down my legs and into my sneakers. it was great to go back out to the bar to see all my friends.

  • http://pizzahuts.blogspot.com Huts

    Have to post idiocy/embarrassment. I wore a pair of sweats to school without the strings in them to act as a belt. In Gym class the teacher had us jump with both feet in a V and touch our toes. She couldn’t demonstrate, so I said like this, drew everyone’s attention, jumped and my pants fell down. The entire class laughed, including the teacher.

  • http://alieshasspot.blogspot.com/ Aliesha

    I’d have to say my most embarrassing moment happened when I was in 5th grade. It was common practice for me and my closest girl friends to go to the bathroom so that we could privately talk. So, it wasn’t strange for one of us to say “Hey, want to go to the bathroom?” (Typing that out now is a bit embarrassing in itself.) One day I was talking with a boy named Kevin that I had a HUGE crush on. I tried to ask him if he wanted to go to the library, but “do you want to go to the bathroom” came out instead. M O R T I F I E D!

  • http://www.francophony.net kim

    another story…

    At 19 I was living in Berkeley, CA, and in the summer my parents, brother, and sister decided to come up for a few days to visit me. Most of our time was spent doing the usual SF tourist-type stuff…

    One afternoon, we were relaxing a bit on the bit of beach near the Ghiradelli chocolate shop, and my brother and I were picking up various stones and skipping them the best we could across the water. I went for a rather large, smooth looking one, and to my surprise, my fingers slipped right off it, leaving a train of a brownish substance.

    It was dog poop, washed smooth by the tide.

    For fear of the reaction of those who may hear about it later, I just rinsed off my hand in the tide, and played it off smooth.

    Although I sort of wish I would have suggested to my brother that he skip that “stone.” Oh yes.

  • baitzy

    I was in a high school play. Being a guy, I’m not used to putting on make-up so the girls put the guys’ make-up on for them. Well, obviously this is an interesting thing since it’s high school and girls are touching you… Anyway, I am probably one of the most ticklish people in the world and always have been. (This is still something all my friends like to bring up when we meet new people). So, I’m getting the make up put on, foundation on my neck. So I start to laugh because it tickles. The girl keeps telling me to quit moving so I hold my breath. She continues and I couldn’t hold in the laughter any more so I exhale quickly through my nose. And what should happen? Well it was about the equivalent of sneezing on her. My was that embarrassing since it was the first night of the performance and we had 4 more shows. After that no one would do my make up, I had to do most of it myself but anything I really couldn’t do, another guy ended up doing for me. I certainly didn’t laugh anymore though.

  • http://herrdirektor.blogspot.com Jay

    2 moments stand out–

    In a play in university had to dye my hair–temporary black stuff–went out for a drink with cast and then rushed off to play basketball in intermurals league with the p.e. jocks–everyone was looking at me strangely and I eventually discovered the dye ran down my face as I sweated during the game…

    …and the time singing at christmas in a mall with three other guys–it was being piped throughout the whole place–we cracked up in the middle of a song and couldn’t finish it, and probably a thousand people heard us sound like idiots

  • Saroy

    I was in kindergarden and I had a fear of certain black things. (Bizarre, but it made sense to a 5-year-old.) The big black drain at the bottom of the deep end swimming pool we went to, for instance, and…black toilet seats.

    I had to pee but was terrified of the black toilet seat at school, so I held it. I was waiting in line for the bus to go home, in front of half my bus, when I couldn’t hold it anymore. I think I was wearing a skirt, and so I ended up peeing on the sidewalk, basically.

    I pretended like nothing had happened, got on the bus, and went home. Must’ve been pretty damn embarassing though if I still remember it 20+ years later…

  • http://allispain.blogspot.com/2004/12/8th-grade-dance-story.html#comments Allison

    Delurking again!

    When I was in 8th grade, I got called out – and rejected – on the dance floor in front of the entire school.

    I posted the link because it’s just too long a story to put all in a comment – but don’t worry, I’m not trying to Dooce-mooch. Thank you for reopening comments, btw :)

    Read the story, really. It’s poorly written but still fun.

  • http://www.iwilldare.com jodi

    After failing my driver’s license test three times, I FINALLY passed on my fourth try. I was giddy.

    I live in Minnesota and it takes anywhere from 4-6 weeks for them to mail you your actual license with your picture and all that.

    I was mortified when, four weeks later, my license appeared and they had me down as a male.

    I was even more mortified when I had to go to the driver’s license place and have them fix it.

  • http://www.oxygenvalve.com/vanessa Vanessa

    Funny you should use this as a topic… I just wrote about that on my blog not too long ago :)

    Here’s the story:
    Valentines day, about 4 years my husband and I (then boyfriend) had reservations at a fancy restaurant. We had a nice little booth, but it wasn’t really private. My husband said something funny, and in my typical flamboyant manner, I threw my head forward laughing. Just then, my forehead met the edge of my water glass, sending it careening into his lap, water and all. I HEADBUTTED THE WATER GLASS! We had only been there a few minutes and I wanted to crawl under the table and die. To add insult to injury, the dining couple in the booth across from us cringed, and the guy let out a very audible, “Ouch!” as if to say, “Nice going dumb-ass!” The only consolation my hubby had for a wet crotch was the fact that the napkins there are large red towels.

  • judywilson

    i got married in Oct…and the fart thing is still new….however powerful..if you can do that!
    You have secured a great mariage– in my opinion!

  • http://talkingtoad.blogspot.com/ TulsaOkie

    My most embarassing moment to date, well that’s an easy one. When I was a freshman, I went to prom with a senior. I had my hair and nails done. I had my jade green strapless dress with out a bra because I had no boobs. Well my date and I were dancing and we were swing dancing or something and my hands went over my head and my dress fell to my belly button. Well not that LOW but you get the point. My boobs were no longer in my dress. Talk about embarassing. I’m so glad it was dark in there! I have no idea how many people saw but I lit a path straight to the door and I went home.

  • http://dishingitout.blogspot.com Dyanna

    It would probably have to be in my last few days at summer camp…I must have been about 10 years old. Summer was almost over and I GUESS I was anxious about going home because although I didnt have a problem with wetting the bed, I did so. I woke up very early from the wetness, told my counselor who then helped me clean everything up. The next night the same thing happened. I repeat, this wasnt a normal thing but by then I felt like a FREAK. This time my cabinmates knew the deal and told a few kids, who told a few kids, and so on and so on. By the last night of camp, my counselor actually woke me up to pee in the middle of the night as if it were a PROBLEM for me to ‘hold my water’. I went home completely embarassed and ashamed.

    Needless to say, I never went back to that camp.

  • Kate

    Spent a 4-day weekend at a friend’s vacation home in the woods. My bottom system took a vacation as well and I didn’t poop for the first 3 days I was there. The fourth day, after lounging around in the morning drinking coffee in our pajamas, I apparently “relaxed” enough to have to go – BAD. I relieved myself in their bathroom and pooped out the most amazingly huge turd I’ve ever seen. The very weak toilet and low water pressure was no match to my super turd, and I plugged up the toilet. Tried flushing the toilet another 5 times, creating a toilet basin of brown water with floating poop bits. Attracted the attention of the other 6 people there, who then tried to unclog as well with the plunger (all staring at my poop filled basin and exclaiming “What the hell have you been eating??”). Finally we had to call professionals in. $250 to put a snake down the toilet to unplug the amazing turd. I’m legendary in that house now and my friend’s father has named the bathroom after me. To this day I refuse to poop at other people’s houses, particularly after a 3-day constipation.

  • http://crazygirlcity.blogspot.com CrazyGirl

    November of 2003, I was on a plane that was heading towards the Middle East as I was in the Air Force at the time.
    The flight was showing some boring movies and I was thinking I should probably take a nap. I drifted off to sleep only to have a horrifying dream. In my dream, my mother was a vampire and trying to kill me. She kept trying to attack me. I guess the dream got to me because I woke up while being shook by the flight attendant. Apparently, I began screaming bloody murder in my sleep and was scaring the other passengers.

    I was mortfied.

  • http://richgirl.blogspot.com Jenn

    My first week of college I was walking from my dorm room, down a very busy street to my class. I wondered why people were staring at me. Then, some kind soul came up to me and said, “Honey, you appeared to have tucked your skirt into the back of your tights.”
    I had wondered why I was so cold….

  • http://www.shoreroadpictures.blogspot.com Gia

    At my wedding 10 years ago…

    At the reception my husband got up to do a toast. He said:

    “And a toast to my lovely fiancee… er, I mean wife. Sorry – it hasn’t sunk in yet.”

  • Melynda

    I’m 6′ tall, so people naturally assume that I’m good at sports. Nothing could be farther from the truth, I’m actuall the biggest clutz that ever walked/stumbled the planet. Well I let a girlfriend of mine talk me into playing volleyball with her. I explained to her that I haven’t played since I was around 12, and even then I wasn’t good. Well she ended up yapping at me until I gave in and went with her. So there I stand, waiting for the other team to serve, when my ADD kicks in and I start watching another game going on right next to us. I’m watching their ball go back and forth, wishing I could be that graceful or even connect with the ball, when I hear our ball being served. I look up JUST in time to see it flying DIRECTLY at my head, and I didn’t have time to move. So BAM, I get hit almost directly in the forehead!! Dazed I stumble back and start cracking up, but start laughing even harder when I realize that for the first time I had actually returned the ball to the other side! Wouldn’t have been so bad, if the people who’s game I was watching wouldn’t have seen it. They stopped their game and a few people, who had finally stopped laughing, came over to see if I was alright.

    Yeah, I don’t DO sports.

  • Mary

    Last semester in one of my english classes we had to give a group presentation. I was so nervous that I burst into tears in front of the entire class. My professor excused me from doing my part and let me leave to calm down. Luckily my part of the presentation was really small and not very important to the whole so I didn’t fuck over my groupmates. We did end up getting an A. But I never wanted to go back to that class after that.

  • http://shootersstation.blogspot.com Jazzy

    I was out one time at a bar and drunker than drunk. I waited until I couldn’t wait anymore to go pee. Well the line was longer than I anticipated and getting skin tight Rockie Mountains off a sweaty drunk body isn’t exactly easy. I peed my pants. I told everyone someone spilled their drink on me in the bathroom. I tried drying off with the dryer in the bathroom, but I probably stank the rest of the night. I was too drunk to care though.

  • http://www.taramansbridge.com/log Catalyst

    I don’t know if I’ve ever told anyone about this. Once (as a *teenager*) I was riding on a fairly long journey with my mother and a friend of hers. I really needed a washroom, but wasn’t about to make them stop because they were on a mission to get where they wanted to go. It got so bad I was sweating and clenching. After a while, I decided I could live through the embarassment of letting out a little fart and reducing the pressure, so to speak. To my horror, when I stopped clenching, a fart wasn’t the only thing that came out — and out and out. It was obvious from the smell that something had happened, but being as we were five minutes from home, no one said anything. I sat there until we got to the house, then waddled up to the front door. To this day I have no idea if my mom and her friend knew exactly what happened, but I spent the next 45 minutes in the bathroom, cleaning up and crying. Since then I always stop at restrooms when I need to go. No more clenching for me.

  • http://www.hchamp.com heather champ

    at recess, i didn’t look where i was sitting and sat in a ginourmous pile of fresh, wet dog shit. for this i earned the nickname “dog dirt girl.” canadians are so polite.

  • http://riskanother.blogspot.com/ ashley

    with me being the clumsiest person in the world i have a few.
    but the one i can remember the most is i was in junior high or middle school as some people call it. and well i was sick for about a week and i was sneezing alot.. and my stomach hurt. so! in class i sneezed so hard that i farted and the ENTIRE class started to laugh .

  • Wendy

    9th grade, crush on the JV quarterback, him deciding to take someone else to the dance, me pouring out my heart in a letter, finding out that the letter had been read out loud to an entire class of kids when someone grabbed it away from him. Mortification? Complete.