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Have mercy on me, baby | dooce® dooce® » I'm Heather B. Armstrong. This is my website. » Have mercy on me, baby

Have mercy on me, baby



  • http://maddenvision.typepad.com/maddenroundtheland/ cathi

    Strizz, I don’t know. Have you ever gotten silly string in your eye?

    Actually, the mom is an opthamologist… so if anyone could deal with that issue, it’s her, right?!

    Yay! And thanks Susie – I’ll see what I can find.

  • http://lawbrat.com lawbrat

    I signed him up for numerous National Organization of Women information….SUCK IT MATT

  • http://www.anybodysguess.blogspot.com CanadianAmy

    Dooce.com Extreme Sports Extravaganza!!

    Come one, come all! First on the schedule is The Unparalleled Shaved Monkey Design Contest! Followed by a FEAT of STAMINA where FIVE LADIES see how long they can HOVER over their KEYBOARDS with their VAGINAS!
    Lastly, we all go to Dooce’s house where there are lovely HARD WOOD FLOORS for some BEN WA BOWLING!

    Tickets are free with a bottle of RUM!

  • Instigator Monkey

    Golly Manda, as long as you don’t wip out that sack of oranges like you did last night I’ll do anything! Anything!

    Bucky, we’s can meet out back of the tool shed. I’ll bring the extra-large tube of lip gloss if you bring the pogo stick!

  • http://brokenbindings.blogspot.com Cristin

    cathi it’s okay. If I weren’t on my way to bed I’d sit by ya

  • AndreaBT

    I agree, no dissin’ Mouse! Love that 1 gud dagg…

  • http://berrypage.blogspot.com/ BerryGril

    I think that my son might have a bit of a crush on Leta- she is soo cute!

  • SuMMer

    gingirl:that’s a nice though, but people ARE really that callous. I would love more than anything for Matt Jackson’s next boss to be a woman.
    Happy International Women’s Day, everyone! (except for the dead monkeys)

  • http://someadventure.blogspot.com/ Girl.A

    For Mandabird,

    Me And My Monkey – Robbie Williams

    It was me and my monkey
    Him with his dungarees and rollerblades
    Smoking filter tips reclining in the passenger seat
    of my supercharged jet black Chevrolet
    He had the soft top down
    He liked the wind in his face
    He said ‘Son, you ever been to Vegas?’
    I said ‘No’ he said ‘That’s where we’re gonna go,
    you need a change of place’
    And when we hit the strip with all the wedding chapels
    and the neon signs he said
    ‘I left my wallet in El Segundo’
    and proceeded to take two grand of mine
    We made tracks to the Mandalay Bay hotel
    Asked the bell boy if he’d take me and my monkey as well
    He looked in the passenger seat of my car
    and with a smile he said
    ‘If your monkey’s got that kind of money sir,
    and we’ve got a monkey bed’Me and monkey
    With a dream and a gun
    Hoping my monkey
    Don’t point that gun at anyone
    Me and monkey
    Like Butch and the Sundance Kid
    Trying to understand
    Why he did what he did
    Why he did what he didAnd at the elevator I hit the 33rd floor
    He had a room up top with a panoramic view
    it’s like nothing you’ve ever seen before
    He went to sleep in the bidet and when he awoke
    He ran his little monkey fingers through the yellow pages
    Called up escort services and ordered some oki doke
    Forty minutes later there came a knock at the door
    In walked this big, bad-ass baboon into my bedroom
    with 3 monkey whores
    ‘Hi, my name is Sunshine. These are my girls.
    Lace my palm with silver baby oh yeah
    and they’ll rock your world’
    So I watched pay per view and polished my shoes and my gun
    Was sticking on Kurt Cobain sing about lithium
    There came and knocked at the door and in walked Sunshine
    ‘What’s up?’ – ‘You better get your ass in here boy y
    our monkey is having too much of a good time’Me and my monkey
    Drove in search of the sun
    Me and my monkey
    Don’t point that gun at anyone
    Me and my monkey
    Like Billy the Kid
    Trying to understand
    Why he did what he did
    Why he did what he didGot tickets to see Sheena Easton
    The monkey was high
    Said it was a burning ambition to see her before he died
    We left before encores
    He couldn’t sit still
    Sheena was a blast baby
    But my monkey was ill
    When I played black jack
    Kept hittin’ 23
    Couldn’t help but notice this Mexican just staring at me
    Or was it my monkey
    I couldn’t be sure
    It’s not like you’ve never seen a monkey in rollerblades
    and dungarees before
    Now don’t test my patience cause we’re not about to run
    That’s a bad-ass monkey boy and he’s packing a gun
    ‘My name is Rodriguez’ he says with death in his eye
    ‘I’ve been chasing you for a long time amigos
    And now your monkey is gonna die’Me and my monkey
    Drove in search of the sun
    Me and my monkey
    We don’t wanna kill no Mexican
    But we got ten itchy fingers
    One thing to declare
    When the monkey is high
    You do not stare
    You do not stare
    You do not stareLooks like we got ourselves a Mexican stand off here boy
    And I ain’t about to run
    Put your gun down boy
    How did I get mixed up with this fucking monkey anyhow

  • http://bucky4eyes.blogspot.com Bucky Four-Eyes

    Monkey — I just can’t seem to keep my hands off you. Would you like some more of this Summer’s Eve champagne?

    Amanda B — Why would you think that spanking of the thighs with wet poulty is a deterrent? Sounds like a successful weekend at my house.

  • http://brokenbindings.blogspot.com Cristin

    um but not in the shower, m’kay?

  • http://bucky4eyes.blogspot.com Bucky Four-Eyes

    Thank you, Ghost Monkey. It’s nice to see that, even from the Great Beyond, you’re still representin’.

  • http://uhohnowlook.blogspot.com Susie

    cathi, I’ve been thinking, but don’t have much little boy experience. They seem to like to roll things and shoot things, so maybe a drug theme would be appropriate.

    No, really, my little nephews are into race cars, waterguns and dinosaurs, I believe.

  • http://maddenvision.typepad.com/maddenroundtheland/ cathi

    Now, because I held catching up on my daily Dooce more important than showering today, I go forth into the watery abyss.

    Good night, all!

  • Ghost Monkey

    Oh, sorry I forgot

    *splatsplatsplatsplatsplat*

    (sound of ethereal poop raining down from the heavens)

  • http://thefathousewife.blogspot.com/ Mrs.Strizzay

    Cathi, it shoots silly string

  • Narcissa

    Two different things. First of all, that is the most beautiful child I have ever laid eyes on.

    Second. This Matt character is an ass. I say we gang up on him and flood him with hate mail!!

  • quickness

    phewh! Number 400?

  • http://www.veryzen.blogspot.com Amanda B.

    Minky! Stop torturing Bucky! And for GOD’s sake, didn’t I tell you not to do *that* in public!

    I don’t want to have to spank your thighs with wet poultry again…

  • http://maddenvision.typepad.com/maddenroundtheland/ cathi

    Hey I’m here at the bottom and I’m all alone. I’m such a dork.

    In my frenzy to post earlier, Dooce, I got your “Comment Submission Error” page. The bottom was a little freaky. If I weren’t buzzed, I would have thought to screenshot it for you. Sorry.

  • http://someadventure.blogspot.com/ Girl.A

    Tammy,
    Well *ok* …
    But I normally get a bottle of rum and 20 bucks from the cheek eater.

  • http://www.dadgonemad.com Dr. Johnny Fever

    Look at those CHEEKS! Each one is a meal in itself.

  • yet another Tara

    Leta is absolutely gorgeous.

  • Johnnie Cochran

    sophie,

    You may soon need reppazintation!

    Are you slandering Mouse and his fine reputation?

  • http://www.homedetentionlady.squarespace.com Home Detention Lady

    Those eyes! Do her cheeks have fingerprints on them from constantly being squeezed??

  • fyds

    hmm…. Ryan C. sounds like a farker…

    http://www.fark.com

  • http://www.anybodysguess.blogspot.com CanadianAmy

    (CanAMy rolls a nice clean Ben Wa in B4E’s direction)

    There you go, darlin’, this one’s four you.

  • http://alleyesonjenny.com Jenny

    What a love!

  • Jason

    To all of those who deride Heather for publishing Matt “Dickless” Jackson’s e-mail address:
    I think you are missing one crucial point with your arguments. While normally I would agree that today’s post would be out of line (even if the guy is a complete waste of flesh), the logic of his letter begs for a response like Heather’s. The Dickless One came to the site as a result of Heather being fired for being “obviously immature and foolish to acknowledge that [she] wrote about the company’s dirty laundry or goings on and expected nothing to happen.”
    Then he proceeds to go though his diatribe of sludge and sexism.
    But one begins to wonder, isn’t he doing the very same thing that he accuses Heather of doing? He wrote to a “public persona” with no thought of how it wold affect his business or his life – - and with comments that weren’t simply off-color but offensive, and may actually become a liability to his company himself. He’s begging to be Dooced tenfold. He’s a hypocrite and an idiot. I for one applaud Heather for showing him the other side of the coin. He deserves whatever he gets.
    Too bad he lacks the gonads to “pump out a puppy” when he’s done with this wild ride.

  • http://bucky4eyes.blogspot.com Bucky Four-Eyes

    CanAmy, they sprung it on me at the last minute so I would have no means of escape! How was I to know that, in my absence, the monkey… *sob* …the monkey would suck the big lead?

    And, maybe even worse, I wasn’t there to catch your Ben Wa balls! The guilt, the guilt is crushing me like a monkey corpse.

  • Instigator Monkey

    Bucky I’s just a lurve it when y’all talk so purty to me!

    *Monkey turns bright red*

    Won’t you come on over and pet me now like we both know you want to?

  • SUCK IT, Matt

    I just signed Matt Jackson’s email address up for every ridiculous gimmick advertised in the 30 spam messages I get per day. I hope he enjoys his free daily advertisements on the “LATEST BREAKTHROUGH IN PENIS ENLARGEMENT TECHNOLOGY!”

  • http://www.anybodysguess.blogspot.com CanadianAmy

    B4Eyes, why you blowing us off for a meeting, huh?

    Don’t they know you have more important things to do?

  • http://maddenvision.typepad.com/maddenroundtheland/ cathi

    I stick to the bumpers and crack. The mom would get so pissed at me if I gave her child projectiles to poke her eye out with.

  • gingirl

    Just a thought….I wonder if Matt’s nasty email was an experiment…to see how many people really read dooce.com and how passionate they are about it? I would prefer to believe that rather than the possibilty that someone is so callous.

  • Ghost Monkey

    Bucky: re: ethereal poop/ your Monkey tribute.

    You are funny.

    That is all.

  • http://thefathousewife.blogspot.com/ Mrs.Strizzay

    hehehehe

    don’t forget the chapstick. Crackers _always_ have dry lips.

    No seriously tho, all boys like Spiderman anything. Those webslinger shooter outter things are pretty cool.

  • fyds

    Kimberly, I take offense. Did you LOOK at the site??? We weren’t spamming it, per se. It was more, WTF do you think you’re doing passing off someone else’s pictures as your own?

  • http://www.livejournal.com/users/bubbychucks jordan

    Yay. That baby is back!

  • http://thefathousewife.blogspot.com/ Mrs.Strizzay

    Fecal matter in the vagina can lead to infection. Please pick a hole and stay there.

  • http://maddenvision.typepad.com/maddenroundtheland/ cathi

    dammit I forgot my number

    as you were

  • http://battybeyond.blogspot.com Tammy

    i’ll give you $10 and a bottle of rum if you let me eat those cheeks.

  • http://www.august95.blogspot.com August95

    What a sight for sore eyes she is. That actually made me smile this morning.

  • http://maddenvision.typepad.com/maddenroundtheland/ cathi

    just read #604! hugs all around?

  • http://www.lineweaver.org/klog kalki

    #384: NOOOO, not Mouse! We love Mouse T H I S M U C H.

  • http://maddenvision.typepad.com/maddenroundtheland/ cathi

    Strizz, thanks for the gift suggestions. I’m assuming those bumpers should be malt liquor wrapped in plain brown paper bags, right?

    Now where did those crack pipes go? I know I have some spares around here somewhere — probably in the catchall drawer.

  • http://maddenvision.typepad.com/maddenroundtheland/ cathi

    one more thing real quick so i don’t forget

    To Amanda from Canada – thanks for your compliment. Yes, the photo store manager sucked. I’m getting the camera from someone else – still the panasonic and not the ::hearing angelic music:: the nikon.

  • http://bucky4eyes.blogspot.com Bucky Four-Eyes

    Ghost Monkey, fling some ethereal poop at Sophie for speaking ill of Mouse!

    Nobody fucks with Mouse.
    Not on my watch.

  • http://bucky4eyes.blogspot.com Bucky Four-Eyes

    Monkey, can we compromise with a bottle of Moet Chandon and some Aqua Velva?

  • http://maddenvision.typepad.com/maddenroundtheland/ cathi

    btw – I’m at 576 now. If you’ve responded to either of my previous comments, please talk amongst yourselves. I’ll be back presently.