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August 2005

Sleeping 20 hours a day is hard work, people

Indeed, there will be talk of teats

Tomorrow morning I leave for Santa Clara to attend BlogHer Conference where hundreds of women will be gathering to talk of estrogen, progesterone, dilated cervixes, nipple cream, jumbo tampons, the color and consistency of their discharges, ovulation, the size of your penis, whether or not a hand job should include gratuitous rubbing of the balls [...]

Kicky

The point at which all phone conversations resemble a drop in cell phone coverage

This morning I called my sister to see if she had received a frantic call from our father warning us that the taxes we pay on our various telephone and cable bills would usher us into an early grave (my answer to him, “If I die early it won’t matter because while I was alive [...]

Thinking

The packaging for child-proof door locks to put on medicine and cleaning supply cabinets should come with a warning that says: If you are unable to figure out how to operate this lock just hand it to your 18-month-old and she will show you.

Too many to count

“A Blue Marlin in a sea of tuna,” you can’t make this stuff up

Recently I have been receiving many, many emails about this. Take it in. It’s real (in the sense that it’s a real publicity stunt for the company he works for and that he’s 31 years old and still single, scandalous!). In fact, here’s the billboard along I-15 in Utah County. Beth happened to be driving [...]

Cupcake eating cupcake

Dear Geeky Father of What I’m Sure Will Turn Out to Be My Equally Geeky Daughter,

Happy Birthday. This one is a big one, and although I’m excited for your future, it was kind of nice to be be in our thirties together even if only for six days. In the years we’ve been together I’ve come to understand that I have a responsibility to you when it comes to what [...]