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Fantasies of the recently-turned elderly

Yesterday afternoon we packed up the kid and headed to Grandma’s. The 20 minute car ride the the only period of time during the entire day when her mouth wasn’t conveying outrage at the human condition. “What is wrong with her?” Jon would ask, frustrated that we couldn’t do anything to alleviate her agony, my [...]

Beware: Unbearable cuteness below

Happy Four-Oh, Armstrong.

How to Annoy Me

Ask me to smell your finger. I don’t think I need to expound on this one.

Sprint’s newest customer

Leta recently received an old cell phone in the mail from two of my readers, Shelli and Narda. They sent it wrapped in an old white athletic sock stuck inside an envelope, truly a wrapping job after my own heart. I never throw away wrapping paper and on more than one occasion I’ve given wedding [...]

Charlie and the Dog Food Factory

Another one for my legal team

I have a friend who works as a massage therapist and who also performs various body-part waxes, eyebrows and legs and a few naughty, NC-17 areas. She recently decided to start working out of her home because it turns out that work politics at a salon are no different than those in a regular office [...]

Overheard: “Heather, put the camera away, they are so going to march us out of here.”

Moments before the cake killed the whole family

Contents include: 1. 1 can of coke to mix with … 2. Several shots of cheap rum 3. Two packages of candles because they only come in clusters of 20 (I am a package and a half of candles old) 4. Yosemite National Park shot glass bought when we eloped 5. One infant off camera [...]

Jon’s culinary masterpiece

His mother, a former wedding caterer, should be very, very proud.

The past is beautiful like the darkness between the fireflies

A year ago Jon and I were in San Francisco with a five-month-old bald baby attending the Chawazek wedding. Last year’s birthday was one I will never forget, it being the one with the food poisoning and the puke and the nuclear diarrhea, but the day before my birthday was one of the best days [...]