Yesterday while standing in the parking lot at Costco I looked down only to see Leta squeezing my boob as if she were honking a horn. Honk. Honk honk. My child was grabbing my boob. In public. I quickly removed her hand from my chest, forged into the store with my head down, and mumbled [...]
A few days ago our neighbor’s car caught on fire. I found out about it because Jon almost tore the door off its hinges as he burst into the house to tell me. I had just finished taking a shower when the whole house shook, not from the explosion under the hood of the neighbor’s [...]
No animal was harmed in the process of this experiment. In fact, when I took the carton off his face because I thought he couldn’t breathe he whined to have it put back on. Kinky little bastard.
For telling Leta after she came up to me and indicated that she wanted to play Elmo on the computer for the tenth time in one hour that Elmo was dead. He died. NO MORE PLAYING ELMO ON THE COMPUTER BECAUSE HE’S WITH HEAVENLY FATHER.
“You can totally drink alcohol and still take the sacrament. Those little cups of water make great chasers.”
Last night I attended a mainstream music concert for the first time since my Milli Vanilli experience in 1989. Someone forgot to tell me to bring my 12-year-old daughter with me, to dress her in an exact replica of what I was wearing, to color and style her hair as if she were a miniature [...]