They’re letting anyone write a children’s book these days

I found these books in a toy store up the street yesterday and took pictures with Jon’s cameraphone. Then I saw this board game:

And turned it over to find this on the back of the box:

  • Jessica Bauer

    The titles may be fakes (and hysterical), but what you say is true. They will let anyone write a children’s book these days. . .

    the original material girl for one.

  • JasonTromm

    The really scary titles are the ones that are real:

    “Help! Mom! There Are Liberals Under My Bed!”
    “Help! Mom! Hollywood’s In My Hamper!”

  • John

    I think your hair is beautiful. The mirror gives a slight glimpse of the back, too. Not too many women can pull off the short in the back, longer in the front, but you do it very nicely.

    It’s like a reverse mullet. Business in the back, party up front.

  • Kassi Gilbert

    My husband and I cracked up over a comediens version of “Everybody Poops”…

    “Nobody Poops But You”. Thanks for the giggle this morning, at least now I know my sense of humor is still intact.

  • Jezzie

    “Stumphumpers – Explaining Amputation To Your Children”
    by Moxy

    I would hope this is an inside joke, like, you or someone in the family is an amputee?
    I have worked at a limb and brace company for 7 years so if that is the case, more power to you for making light of it, those are the patients who seem to do the best with it…
    please comment again, I am really wondering.

  • rivetergirl

    At least they are finally writing some children’s books that tell the truth — instead of all that self-esteem building horse pucky.

  • Scott Murdoch

    These are SO well done! You guys are Photoshop MASTERS!

  • jody2ms

    That is unreal and hilarious!

    Love the photo sequence of Jon seeing your hair.

    Lauralee, I got those in an email too, and LMAO.

  • Maniacal

    I had to take a double take for a sec….I like, I Lost My Dad to Syphilis….tee hee

    Oh, and the pics of you and Jon are priceless…..the blurry one just makes it!

  • lauralee

    a friend sent me this a while back and i laughed so hard i cried. love the pictures!

    Children’s Books That Didn’t Make It:

    1. You Are Different and That’s Bad
    2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
    3. Dad’s New Wife Robert
    4. Fun Four-letter Words to Know and Share
    5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
    6. The Kids’ Guide to Hitchhiking
    7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
    8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
    9. All Cats Go To Hell
    10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
    11. Some Kittens Can Fly
    12. That’s It, I’m Putting You Up for Adoption
    13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
    14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
    15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
    16. The Pop-Up Book Of Human Anatomy
    17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
    18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
    19. You Were an Accident
    20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
    21. Pop! Goes The Hamster …And Other Great Microwave Games
    22. How To Hide Forever
    23. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
    24. How To Hide Forever
    25. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan

  • Urs

    i hope you take this as a compliment- you look like kiara knightly with your new ‘do.

  • jacks

    Those were hilarious!!

    BTW, I LOVE the hair!!

  • Melanie

    Nuh uh! No way! I can’t believe these books/games! LOL Too freakin’ funny.

  • Gretchie

    You almost forgot “The Very Hungry Caterpiller Meets Mothra”

    “In the light of the moon a little egg lay on a leaf. One Sunday morning the warm sun came up and …. pop! out of the egg came a tiny and very hungry caterpiller. He soon became Mothra’s food…”

    Holy shit. I just wrote all that from memory.

  • thleen

    So…this is what the odd children from my childhood are doing? Writing odd children’s books and probably from a prison cell.
    Amazon is carrying the Underwear book if you want the definitive Coffee Table Book.
    Glory to the Photo Phone!

  • youthinasia

    I can’t decide if it’s the literalists that are making me laugh or the book titles.

    Yep, wait…it’s the book titles.

  • Samantha

    so so sick.

    I am so proud of you.

    Someone has to do it.


  • kidsmom

    Where’s “Walter, the Humping Dog”? (Have you read Walter the Farting Dog?, could be the one Chuck wrote about your family.)

    I’m a Luddite, so it took me awhile, but that didn’t diminish the laugh!

  • kidsmom

    Where’s “Walter, the Humping Dog”? (Have you read Walter the Farting Dog?, could be the one Chuck wrote about your family.)

    I’m a Luddite, so it took me awhile, but that didn’t diminish the laugh!

  • Mrs Ca

    I think that might be the funniest thing I’ve seen in a long time – all of it, collectively. Some people are so creative in their own sick, demented way. It’s great!

  • Thérèse

    So thaaaaaat’s where I can find that sort of thing. Perfect. I really need to add to my collection.

    You know, these really are brilliant. Maybe not for children. Possibly. Maybe.

  • Angellivia

    You had me until ‘You’re Weird…’

    I came across a real one the other cay called The Mole Who Knew it was None of His Business. I thought, hmm, a book about a nosey mole. Apparently not… business in this book meant poo. The mole who found poo in his hole and knew it wasn’t his. He then went to all the other animals to see their poo to find out which animal it was. I couldn’t believe it!

  • HenrykM

    Amen to Dr Kyla

  • Elise

    Wonderful finds, just the thing I’ve been looking for, I’m heading straight to the Amazon to buy them. On the way, I’ll give social services a call on my cell and have them come pick up your daughter.

    And April 1 is still two days away…

  • DrKyla

    Meepers: Ham comes from pigs, not cows. You can get green eggs by feeding alfalfa pellets to the chickens.

    I bet Leta would eat green eggs and ham.

    I also bet she’d eat better if she wasn’t offered more and more choices at each meal. Try offering supper, and if she doesn’t eat, walk away like nothing else is coming for that night, and see what happens in about 20 minutes.

  • Jayseaka

    hahaha…wtf?! this will keep me laughing all day, thanks!

  • Lyssa

    I just wrote an article for a German sunday paper about younger kid’s sex education. And I found _very_ strange books for five year old kids. Most of them showed genitals in great detail and some even explained how to use a condon – accompanied by a drawing of how Mom puts a condom on Dad’s penis.

  • HenrykM

    Oh please…….tell me that this is a sick joke!

  • Melissa

    Brilliant. I love it. Will there be a boxed set of these? Like Boxcar Children? I would buy that boxed set.

  • jennifer

    you totally had me until i read the comments. i loved loved LOVED the “daughter you’re really my son”. i am still laughing.

  • http://Http:// bluetoast

    lol..i would love to see what’s inside the board game.. =p

  • kristen

    I hope these are fake :(

    But I do remember that first book from French class many moons ago.

  • kim from germany

    wow, that’s a joke right? daughter have i told you, … you’re really my son ??? just, … wow.

  • Maya

    Haha! That’s great. I can see those books actually happening, too. Why not? Every child should know about VD!

    I’ve been a lurking reader for quite a while and really enjoy this site, which is one of the few that really makes me laugh. Best of luck to Heather, Jon and the adorable Leta.


  • kerri

    Where was that version of Sequence when I was bored playing the original?

  • Everqueer

    simply lovely.

  • tits_mcgee

    Look, I wrote “I Lost My Dad To Syphilis” and it’s a true story. I really don’t understand what’s so funny.

    I think you all need some sensitivity training.

  • karyn

    OK, so I just rubbed my eyes a bit – I really ought to ban myself from the computer before 7am, because those three minutes woke me up enough to read the *entire* titles of those books and, well…yeah. No more posting before 7am.

    But you really ought to check out Walter the Farting Dog if you haven’t already.

  • Heather

    Oh, bloody heck!! You had me going there for a second, thanks for the laugh. I sent my husband in Iraq your website so that he could laugh, too. He really needs it. You rock!!!

  • Bill

    Each Peach Pear Plum.


  • Dorkette

    What kind of “toy” store are we talking about, hmmm?
    Ever heard of “Fascinations?” Otherwise, please tell me you didn’t Photoshop all of this!

  • MissBehave

    How very witty of you. I loved them. MORE

  • fred

    thats…..evil. I love it.

  • karyn

    I can’t believe you – YOU, of all people – haven’t found Walter the Farting Dog.

    There’s more than one, even.

  • vegasandvenice

    I was clearly aware that the color of underwear was extremely important (which is why I feel my site is so important to the masses haha!), but I could not have forseen a childrens book specifically about this very subject! However, it also took me quite a while to realize that these were fake. So what does that say about me or my Random Panty Color Generator? Sadly, a lot!

    Thanks for the laugh!

  • battybeyond

    Oh LORD. I laughed so hard. Especially at the last one. How does that game know where I came from. HOW I ASK YOU!!??

  • catheroo

    Thanks for the laugh!
    I’m partial to “Everyone Poops” and “The Gas We Pass.”

  • Erin


  • Smacky

    You totally had me going, and even my friend from a forum. Lovely job.

  • moonrattled

    In Utah?????!!!