They’re letting anyone write a children’s book these days

I found these books in a toy store up the street yesterday and took pictures with Jon’s cameraphone. Then I saw this board game:

And turned it over to find this on the back of the box:

  • Piglet

    Photoshop? No way. Hey, I need to borrow these for my scary commenter that was “Mother-judging” me.

  • theresa

    AHhahahahaha!! I love it.

  • dryad271

    Okey dokey, did you do these yourself, or did you swipe them from Something Awful? =) A la this or this? (warning: incredibly tasteless and funny) ;)

  • Vickee

    BWAA HA! At first I said “GEES!” then I said “Oh, you got me there!” out loud. My son said “Who are you talking to?” and I said “A clever girl.”

    These were great! And you’ve got so many years of truly great treasures in reading w/Leta ahead of you guys. I look forward to reading with our sons every night. Will it be one of my old favorites or a new adventure?!

    BTW, I had a great-aunt Leta. She made the best darn cookies. And she was a gem! I have a tender spot in my heart for your Leta.

  • monkey

    Jennifer in KC, that’s the “tractor story” one! I LOVE IT!!!

    I used to think those potty books were jokes…alas…no…

  • Torrie


  • http://Peggy Peggy

    Do you really expect us to believe that those books aren’t right out of Leta’s very own library?
    Priceless. Think you can pick me up a copy of the Joys of Children … and other lies?

  • Jennifer in Kansas City

    I thought for certain we’d see the Dooce version of “Everybody Poops….” (….But Mommy?)

    Love the syphilis one. Reminds me of Kramer as a med school patient with his faux gonnorrhea on Seinfeld.

  • Chloe

    I fell for it, too. It’s not April Fool’s Day yet, you know!
    I have a new window open to do a search for the books on Amazon. I was going to check and make sure these books existed. And then I’d probably put them on my wishlist, because I need to know how to best explain to a child that they’re a boy though they’ve been raised as a girl.

    The truly tricky thing you did here was start out with “What Color is Your Underpants?” because that actually sounds like a possible children’s book to me. Everybody poops, after all. But Losing a Dad… to Syphilus? And does the copy of the book behind it say “I Lost my Dad to Gonorrhea”, based on the three letters visible below it?

    Dude. I got pwned.
    I kind of love you now.

  • supermom_in_ny


  • Angela

    Quick to catch on SUPERMOM_IN_NY…you almost made me laugh more than Heather’s Post. Thanks

  • islaygirl

    someone’s been playing with her photoshop skills ….

  • Mary Craig

    Geez, you’d think they would have asked for permission before they made a boardgame out of my life.

  • Strizz


  • Heather

    Hilarious! Thanks for the laugh. :)

  • supermom_in_ny

    OMG! What the? I don’t understand what the publishing companies were thinking?!

    I lost my Dad to syphilis? Your really my daughter, son? That’s just sick! There are so many people out there with great ideas and these people get their books published???????

  • Libby

    My son received “What Colour is your Underwear” as a gift, and I can promise you that it is not even remotely pornographic. (It is, however, a pop-up book, which has barely survived my son’s sticky fingers and overy enthusiasm.)

  • fixedupgirl

    Oh, the joys of Photoshop!

    We have a nickname is my circle of friends for people who are uncannily talented with the program: Adobic Photoshopper.

    I think you might qualify. :)

    Keep up the antics…

    And I wonder what we’ll learn next about “Armstrong Media”…

  • Donny

    These books can’t be serious? Those are some really weird titles.

  • AndiMac

    Heather, you are a tad bit early for April Fools….But this was funny as hell

  • Angela

    I wish I actually had those books, they would be great coffee table books for cocktail parties with all the other parent friends. We would pee our drunken selves!
    On another point; I too was wondering about the “ARMSTRONG MEDIA, LLC”. Is this what the lawyer was about or are you still not able to “comment”?

    Thanks for the laughs Heather,

  • Giselle

    I need that last one for my library. Maybe it would give the teens something to do besides make babies in the bathroom stalls.

    And I’m only half kidding.

  • communicatrix

    Hoo boy, did I need a laugh.

    Congrats on the LLC. WRITE IT OFF, BABY!

  • BigA

    At last – evidence that God isn’t sleeping on the job.

  • Kate

    Hah! You funnay.

  • jes

    I totally think you’re lying. Please purchase copies and send them to me.

  • Vaguely Urban

    Awesome. They remind me of that old SNL sketch about the new line of Hallmark cards for every occasion/sentiment.

    My favorite: “I’m Sorry Your Daughter’s A Lesbian”

  • Chickie

    “I Lost My Dad To Syphilis” really helped me get through a trying time.

  • angrykeyboarder

    These are the funniest damm things I’ve seen in a while.

    Where on earth (in Salt Lake I’m assuming) did you come across them? :-)

  • Gora_Kagaz

    haha…those are funny!

  • Kristine


    And hate mailers pick on YOU?

    Okay, so which one did you buy??

  • mayberry_blonde


  • Kristine

    Nooooo. not fair. IT IS NOT APRIL FIRST YET!

  • Vaguely Urban

    Awesome. They remind me of that old SNL sketch about the new line Hallmark cards for every occasion/sentiment.

    My favorite: “I’m Sorry Your Daughter’s A Lesbian”

  • Lisa V

    Jesus only morons hit post twice.

  • omar

    Someone really should write that syphilis book. Gotta be a market for it somewhere…

    Hey, didn’t it used to say “copyright 2001-2006 Heather Armstrong” in your footer?

    “Armstrong Media, LLC”? Is this what the lawyer was about? Did you already tell this story and I missed it?

  • JC

    nicely done.

  • Hannah B.

    And in the dictionary next to gullible you’ll find a picture of me.

  • Hannah B.

    And in the dictionary next to gullible you’ll find a picture of me. I was thinking, “WTF?!” Thank goodness for comments.

  • Lisa V

    I have the prequel to “I lost my Dad…” it’s called “I Lost My Mom to Strip Club Where She Found Herpes.”

  • Lisa V

    I have the prequel to “I lost my Dad…” it’s called “I Lost My Mom to Strip Club Where She Found Herpes.”

  • duchessjane

    Brilliant! I love it. Although I do agree with the previous comment that some real titles are just as bad.

  • laurabecker

    oh, you had me fooled too – and laughing in horror and glee. awesome.

  • Karihun

    ohhh those sound like some fun reads… I bet my eight month old would love them! lol

  • Meepers

    Ha! Heather! Jon! Thanks again for another laugh. Now that is Exactly what I’ve always wanted to see in a kids’ book – a bit of reality. How about another one…

    All Dogs Go to Heaven…Fido Just Took the Bus
    Or … One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Dead Fish
    That’s NOT a Wocket in Uncle Charlie’s Pocket
    Oh, the Places You’ll Go! (As Soon as Mommy finishes her 13th Manhattan)
    Green Eggs and Ham (Come From Sick Cows and Chickens)

  • Mixed Up Confusion

    The sad thing is that some of the real titles are just as bad.

  • Moxie

    I’ll have you know I am proud to have authored the 5th book. I feel it is my devine duty to shatter the illusions of parents-to-be. My new parenting book will be out soon: Stumphumpers – Explaining Amputation To Your Children

  • Lori

    Too, too funny. People are staring at me now.

  • Jeni

    Ha! Nice work!

    Here is a real book that I found in Salem, MA at a wiccan store (that only played smooth jazz from the station MAGIC 101 – kid you not):

    _The Right Touch: A Read Aloud Story to Prevent Sexual Abuse by Jody Bergsma_

    This is a picture book for kids about sexual abuse with WEIRD elf-like drawings and completely inappropriate examples (e.g., The mother in the book is trying to explain to her son how sometimes there are bad touches that aren’t sexual and uses this example, (paraphrased) “You know how sometimes when you’re on the play ground and kids ask you to close your eyes and open your mouth and then they put a big worm in it?. . .“) AND THAT IS THE NON-SEXUAL TOUCH.

    The innuendo is pretty incredible through out the book, for example the mother also says “you know how you like it when I nibble on your ear at bedtime . . . “ trying to explain a good, loving touch from an adult.

    Obviously, child sexual abuse is terrible, but this book just confounds me.

  • Karen Rani

    Dear God. Those can’t be real. But the pictures look so real. Are they real? Too freaking funny. I saw a fake one once titled, “You’re the reason Daddy drinks.” LOL!