• Penny Rene

    It scares me that people are congratulating you on thinking this decision through. Do most people bring a kid into the world BEFORE thinking about how it will affect the rest thier family and themselves? Yikes.
    They do this on purpose?

    I’m sure that will be taken maliciously by some readers…

    My daughter is 2 months old and every Wednesday I feel I will need to be institutionalized very soon. But then Thursday morning she wakes full of smiles that are better than rock candy and by Saturday my husband and I are casually mentioning something about “when we have our next kid”.

    I say you let Jon decide. Then you can just shove the new kid off on him to breastfeed and etc if it gets too rough. “You wanted another one! YOU breastfeed the little piranah!” Of course, I’m kidding. *yawn*

  • kategal

    I don’t know if anyone is ever prepared for having a child because until you are in the moment, you don’t know what is going to happen or how you are going to feel. I think that if you really want another child, then go right ahead. The good part is that you at least have some knowledge of what you are getting yourself into and so it won’t be quite as life changing (although having 2 children as opposed to 1 child is a big difference). Most likely your next experience will be much better. I wouldn’t do something because I felt pressured, though.

  • http://www.WannabeHippie.com GingerLane

    Family size is such a personal issues, I don’t know that anyone can answer that for you. After all, do I want to take the blame if trouble ensues?

    But seriously, I think only you and Jon can figure that one out. Of course, if you get drunk and silly enough you might just end up with another baby, even if you had planned no more. Just saying it could happen.

    And it was lovely to hear you on KPBS this morning. I’m the silly git who talked of the “global community” we’re all building ’round here.

  • http://kiwords.blogs.com Kira M

    I think the feeling of “I’m done having kids” is sort of like labor. If you think that MIGHT be what you’re feeling, it’s not. When it’s the real thing, you know. You guys will figure it out. Whatever you choose, may it be easier than expected.

  • salmonday

    You opened this topic up for discussion? You’re braver than I, that’s for sure.

    I believe that there should be a law that you are immune from prosecution if you punch the face of someone who asks you when you’re going to have a(nother) child. My wife and I needed extensive infertility treatments to have our first, and we were hoping that we would have “righted” ourselves as a result of the first, but that doesn’t seem to be the case. We secretly recent anyone who “decides” to have a baby and can just fire up the oven because there are days my wife comes home from work nearly in tears because so many of her co-workers are pregnant with their second or third child and asking her when she is going to “join the club.” I know this doesn’t help your thinking any, but I just want to warn people that asking that question, even if it’s family, toys with face-punching.

  • http://irritableblogsyndrome.typepad.com Dayna Lee

    Take your time. You’ll figure it out.

  • http://www.billygean.co.uk Billygean.co.uk

    I think the fact that you’re now considering ti speaks volumes. Often with the hardest decision, it’s already made. You can see under the surface of your post that you’re going over the ins and the outs because you want it to happen; self-justification and all that. I can’t imagine you would dwell on this and then not. This is my personal opinion that I did consider not giving, please don’t take it to hard.

    And crazy people, don’t yell at me!


  • Imanitsud

    I usually read the majority of the other comments before I post to ensure I don’t waste your time and mine repeating what someone else has already said, more or less. Unfortunately, I didn’t have time to do that this time time — so my apologies in advance if this is redundant.

    While I was pregnant with my second child, a friend at work told me the following: “Kids and math don’t add up: twice the kids equals five times the work…but one hundred times the love.” I found that to be very true.

    I will not presume to offer you my opinions, but I will offer you my experience to add to your anecdotal treasury: my first child is a girl; she was born 4 weeks early and was a colick-y baby — a screamer like I’ve never heard of, lasted a while. People would ask me, “is she a good baby” and I would always reply, “She’s certainly not a BAD baby, but she isn’t an ‘easy’ baby, if that’s what you mean.” However: she hit about 18 weeks and became just about the “perfect” baby; she was in daycare 40 hours a week, she was healthy, beautiful, on track or ahead of every thing, and a VERY easy toddler. She hit 3+ and made me think someone had switched my kid.

    We didn’t feel like our family was complete — and I really wanted to try for a boy (we used the fiction novel “the midwife’s advice” to go for a boy and it worked!), so we made the decision to try for another. My son was born when my daughter was 2 yrs, 9 mos. He was the easiest baby ever. He slept 4-5 hours straight from about week 3 or 4, was content no matter what, laughed early and often. He is now a ferocious 2 and a half year old. He is a very difficult toddler. He’s the kid who I used to complain about that would push my daughter out of the way on the way to the slide. Full disclosure: I went part time (I work in an office 3 days a week during business hours 9-5) which might account for *some* of the difference — when my daughter was 17 months old.

    My point? You never know what you’re going to get. My husband and I were totally unprepared for the second child differences. As my husband put it: His first child made him a daddy. The second child just made him tired. That was when my son was a few months old. Now of course he feels very differently, but it took longer with the second.

    For the record, neither of us would ever in a million years make a different decision knowing what we know now. I am glad we are a family of four, and now i feel we are complete. It’s a great feeling.

    Again, I offer all this for your consideration. As others I’m sure have said, whatever you decide will be just fine.

  • klk

    My daughter just turned 2 and we are starting to entertain the same thoughts about a second child. When we do decide to go for it we have decided that we will adopt. I dont want to risk having another serious bout of postpartum depression and put my life, and the functioning of my family at serious risk. Something to consider…

  • http://moxie-mom.blogspot.com MoxieMom

    You don’t know, and that’s OK.

    simply put, period

  • http://glamgranola.blogspot.com anniem

    I know, God! I know. I have a little boy Leta’s age, who was a very high-maintainance little boy. Due in Feb. born premature in Dec. life was very rough for the first 6 months. We decided we’d like to have about a four year gap…didn’t happen. I am due with baby number two in Sept. and scared to death. I am just hoping that things will fall into place somehow. They always do, right?

  • The Bold Soul

    Whatever you and Jon decide, I really respect how much realistic thought you are putting into the decision. So many people fall in love with the IDEA of having a baby that they overlook how capable they really are of actually caring for and raising that child until they are old enough to go out in the world and make their own damn mistakes. For years I was one of those people – I absolutely LOVE babies and like you I’m the one grabbing other people’s kids and inhaling their very essence. I always thought I would have children because I loved them so much. Circumstances didn’t allow for that, however, and there came a point where I realized it was probably a good thing in the end, because while I love other people’s children I’m not so sure I’d have the patience to be on call 24×7 for the rest of my natural life.

    Being a parent seems to me (as someone who isn’t one) to be the most difficult job on earth, and although the rewards – for most people – outweigh the negatives, I think it’s only fair to Leta, Jon and most of all to yourself to really think it through. Especially when you know there is the potential for some pretty serious consequences with the post-partum stuff – that is nothing to mess around with and having read about your past struggles I can well understand why you’d hesitate to go through that again, and why you’d be concerned about the impact on your family.

    Case in point: my best friend has 4 lovely children, ages 13 to 5. Her husband has a genetic thing that makes his bones more brittle than normal people, and 2 of his 3 siblings also have it. At first they were not going to have ANY children. Then they got pregnant with the first; she has the bone disease but only a very mild form. They were going to stop at one child, then got thinking it would be a shame to make their daughter an only child so they had the second one, a boy (who turns out to have the bone disease the worst of all of the kids). You’d think they might have stopped there, but along came number 3, another boy, also with the bone disease (both boys have had several fractures already, from doing the most silly little things). They were planning for the vasectomy when they discovered my friend was pregnant with the 4th, another girl. This time, no bone disease, but something even worse: she has a rare form of Downs syndrome where she has none of the usual physical or mental conditions but where she got one of the common “side effects” of downs: Leukemia. At age 20 months she was diagnosed and for 6 months it was the fight of her life. She’s been in remission now for over 3 years and God willing she’ll stay that way.

    My point is, my friends knew there were risks associated with the bone disease and the genetics of it. They opted to have 4 kids despite that, and they love all their children and wouldn’t trade any of them. But that choice to have a family where they KNEW there was a strong likelihood of complications means that they rarely have any peace in their lives. The bigger the family, the more automatic chaos… then toss in periodic broken arms or legs, my friend’s father dying last year in a car crash and her having to settle the estate, and the youngest one’s Leukemia battle, and it’s like it never seems to end.

    And believe me, my friend is stressed out. All the time. She’s been on Xanax since the youngest was so ill… and who could blame her? I love my friend and her family – I’m closer to them than some of my own blood relatives – but I can’t help but wonder if their lives would have been simpler if they kept their family smaller and a bit more manageable. I know, hindsight is 20/20 and all that, and eventually all the kids will get older and the frantic pace of their lives will shift. So whatever you decide, just go into it with eyes wide open… and then enjoy whatever direction you choose. I think I heard that Dr. Phil once say: “Sometimes you make the right DECISION, and sometimes you have to make the decision RIGHT.” Good advice.

  • Windy

    My biggest fear in having a second child is that I’ll poop in the delivery room again.


    I took Zoloft every day while I was pregnant, and I nursed my son for a whole year. He’s very mellow, and he has a tail, but other than that he’s completely normal.

    Of course, since he’s been born I’ve been added lithium and Niravam to my drug regimen, but whatever. I’m sure that has nothing to do with months of sleeplessness and thinking about my boobs every five seconds for a year. Nothing at all.

  • http://www.thisisnotachair.net/blog Chair

    I hear you, on each of those considerations. I can’t help wondering if the overall feeling of “I don’t know” means that no, I shouldn’t have anymore. I just seems that a lot of people know they want assloads of kids, so not knowing might mean I don’t.

    (I also had a colicky/fussy Spud, maybe it’s just that which is turning us off from the idea of more spawn.)

  • http://www.spectacularlynormal.com Irina

    Amazing. I was just talking to my John last night about this very thing and a lot of the same questions came up. My biggest fear is going off my meds to get pregnant and John reminds me that there was a time before I was diagnosed bipolar that I was able to have relationships and raise a daughter and now that I have a name for what I feel it might be easier to go through.

    My pregnancy was a breeze and Sophie has been a really easy child…but what if it’s not like that the next time around. This would be a whole other genetic soup I’m dealing with, so who knows? That’s incredibly scary to me.

    Then there’s the question you raised: am I the kind of mom who can handle having more than one child? I don’t know. But then, how CAN you know? A woman I was friends one told me that having a family is like having an apron. Just when you think the pockets are full, you find another pocket. It’s a shitty metaphor, but I’ve always thought it was a sweet way to look at the availability of maternal love.

    I think the healthiest way to consider this issue is: when you know you’re ready, you just do. You know with your husband, you knew with your daughter. If you think now is the right time, then you can make the other bits fall into place. They’ll have to fall into place.

    And as far as the post-pardum goes, I can’t comment on that, but at least this time, you know to expect it and treat for it, which should add some comfort.

  • boogiemum

    I think the more children you have the more you ease up and become relaxed with parenting. When I found out I was pregnant with my 2nd child I freaked out because they would be 14 months apart. Now, I am so glad things worked this way because it has helped my confidence level in regards to parenting and has taught me to become more laid back. In the beginning I was sterilizing things with my first child, by my second anything was safe long unless there wasn’t visible poop on it. Plus, the feeling you get when your 2 children play together and show each other positive affection is unbelieveable. I think you won’t ever regret having another child but you might regret not having another one.

  • tonya | adventure journalist

    I’m with Heidi – if you’re gonna do it, do it knowing you’re going into it more experienced and “settled in” to that role than you were first time. But wait a few years ’til Leta can change a diaper and fetch a bottle faster than you can ;)

    (And then strategically spend a few months before the baby comes telling her how “she can only help with the baby when she’s a BIG girl!”.. and she’ll spend the next several months waiting in maddening anticipation.. so that when the day comes she’s like a wind-up toy wound back to full tension and ready for release. You can ride that wave straight out til the new baby’s in kindergarten).

  • http://istoedejoana.blogspot.com/ Joana

    It’s always harder to have the second one precisely because of that, as my cousin says (she has two). You have to consider not only yourself and Jon, but Leta as well.
    On the other hand, knowing you’re likely to experience postpartum depression again may prepare you for it and make it easier for everyone, this time. And you’ve already learnt so much with Leta, you’ve been a mother for two years now, things won’t be so new and frightening for the next one.
    I hope you make the right and best decision for you and your family!
    (I say have the second child!)

  • http://www.spectacularlynormal.com Irina

    Amazing. I was just talking to my John last night about this very thing and a lot of the same questions came up. My biggest fear is going off my meds to get pregnant and John reminds me that there was a time before I was diagnosed bipolar that I was able to have relationships and raise a daughter and now that I have a name for what I feel it might be easier to go through.

    My pregnancy was a breeze and Sophie has been a really easy child…but what if it’s not like that the next time around. This would be a whole other genetic soup I’m dealing with, so who knows? That’s incredibly scary to me.

    Then there’s the question you raised: am I the kind of mom who can handle having more than one child? I don’t know. But then, how CAN you know? A woman I was friends one told me that having a family is like having an apron. Just when you think the pockets are full, you find another pocket. It’s a shitty metaphor, but I’ve always thought it was a sweet way to look at the availability of maternal love.

    I think the healthiest way to consider this issue is: when you know you’re ready, you just do. You know with your husband, you knew with your daughter. If you think now is the right time, then you can make the other bits fall into place. They’ll have to fall into place.

    And as far as the post-pardum goes, I can’t comment on that, but at least this time, you know to expect it and treat for it, which should add some comfort.

  • http://www.ranitngsinred.com coffeygirlb

    Well first off Heather. Don’t even compare yourself to other mothers. You aren’t them, you are YOU, mother of Leta “little girl loved by all the world”…well at least all the world with high-speed internet. But that’s not were this is going. Anyway. I think that everyones path is meant to be different. Whether that means you have one or four, you are no less a mother. Someones hero. I used to, well still do compare myself to others all the time. It’s pointless, I know. Bottom line. You are amazing. I think that you are probably capable of WAY more than you think you are. I have the itch like a mo’ I think thats your body and heart trying to tell you something. Ya’ll will be just as great with another(if you do choose that) as you are with Leta.

  • http://sadandbeautiful.typepad.com Sarah

    Scary, yes.
    The fact that you are thinking about it carefully and being open to possibilities shows your a good mother, and will be if you never have another kid, or if you have 5 more kids.

    I wish you and your family the best no matter what you and your family decide.

  • Kelli

    I know how totally weird this sounds, but two days ago I had a dream that you posted you were going to have another one.

    Whatever you all decide, I think you can handle anything.

  • http://www.simzgirl.com/ simzgirl

    It’s a tough decision and one that only you and Jon can make. But whatever you decide, it will be the right thing for you.

    Besides, every pregnancy and every baby is different. But it does get easier each time. Good luck!

  • http://www.slolane.org Twinmama

    My first pregnancy was twins, so luckily the decision about how many was made for me. I think God decided that if he didn’t give them to me all at once I would never volunteer myself for another pregnancy again. (Also, there are no other twins in the family, anywhere…so don’t bank too much on genetics one way or another).

    I wrote about the twin thing on my blog recently. I think the idea of having twins frightens people because they think of their most difficult kid, and they mentally double that. I think what you really get is one of each–the difficult child and the, uh, somewhat easier child. The hard part is that you’re getting them both at once. The difficult one would still be difficult without the other kid, but there’s two of them. So no matter how much #1 wears you out, you still have to deal with #2. Fortunately, #2 doesn’t require nearly as much energy. (At least in our case. Occasionally they will switch roles, just to keep you on your toes. I would bet your sister has experienced this).

    Anyway–you’re right, though: two kids is definitely not the same as one. Lord knows I love my kids, but so much of parenting is really just a matter of finances and energy, and I think you are wise to step cautiously around the idea.

  • trublu76

    Someone once told me that if you wait until you’re ready, you’ll never do it. Now, to be completely honest, that was in reference to getting a tattoo, but I think the message works in this situation, too.
    I have two, thinking about that third, but the questions is less of do we want another (YEA, we do) and more of how (hubby had vasectomy after #2).
    Knowing what you know after Leta’s first months, you have the benefit of hindsight, dooce. You and Jon learned so much during those months that could help diffuse the problems after a 2nd child.

    Sometimes we humans just think too much. Stop thinking about the negatives and just do it…

  • http://livinlife007.blogspot.com/ TigerLambGirl

    After I had my first child (whom I loved to bits) I didn’t want to have any more children. My second baby just kinda happened. My only regret is that they have a 5 year gulf between them.

    The second child is definitely easier than the first!! By then you’re a pro and you’ve got the motherhood thing down to a tee. Having two is easier than one. They entertain each other. Sure it’s hard sometimes – but once you get a good routine going that works – it’s much easier. And you sound pretty organised.

    Leta is like my first child (my daughter) in so many ways. I suppose that’s why I so enjoy reading about your daily foibles – it takes me back a few years (my daughter is 14 now and boy you’re in for a ride or two). God saw fit to give me a very different little person next time around. He’s a sensitive little guy – like an old soul – from the day he was born. Both bring me tremendous pleasure, unspeakable joy, some angst, a little grief at times, and loads of laughter. I wouldn’t trade them for the world.

    I remember thinking “How can I possibly love another baby when I love the one I’ve got so much?!?!!” Lo and behold, I love him so much it makes my heart ache just like I did with my daughter.

    I struggled with severe post partum depression after my son – for over 2 years. I don’t know what would have happened had I not had a loving, supportive husband (he deserves a medal). Knowing my two children loved me more than anything and that I was their anchor – also helped shock me out of those very dark moments where I pondered all sorts of dark things.

    As far as making a decision about this. Well — I’ve found that when women get broody – they often end up pregnant — and the decision is taken out of their hands. Both times I got pregnant — I was broody beforehand!

    Just remember: There are no questions in your heart and never any answers in your head. If you desire another baby – go for it. Don’t let your head decide — where it’s a matter of the heart.

  • http://www.sassy8877.blogspot.com Jessica

    I wish more people would take the time to ask themselves the “questions” before just having lots of hot sex. Wait … now that does sound like a good idea. Oh yea, back at the ranch, more rabbit sex or not in order to procreate?? My vote is no, but then again I only have one kidlet, and I voted for Kerry.

  • http://www.periferal.com Periferal

    I think the first pregnancy is easier to plan because you have no idea what you’re getting into. With the second… well, you have every right to be afraid.

    You’re a wonderful mother for taking the time to make this decision. No one can decide for you guys, but we’ll support you either way!

  • http://tinykingdom.ivillage.com Anne Glamore

    I thought I was going to be the mom of 2 kids– that’s pretty much what I thought I could handle. When my oldest boy was 2 1/2 my twin boys were born.

    It was a ROUGH first couple of years, so I took lots of pictures because I was fairly sure i wouldn’t remember much of it. (I was right). Now, with a 10 year old and 2 7 year olds, there’s been tons of blood and screaming, and OH! the mud! and laundry! but we’re doing ok.

    Three kids is a lot, though. I know there are supermoms out there with more kids who make it look easy, but I’m not crafty and I hate reading books aloud to kids so I’ve maxed out.

  • Laurlee

    When my first child was 9, I had my second, then immediately had a third. The little ones were as though twins those long early years. The second turned out to be an extremely difficult personality, and the devastation that occurred because of the dysfuntions that grew out of his failure to comply with ANY rules, deeply hurt the youngest, and ultimately caused my oldest to alienate himself from the family for many awful years.

    My recommendation is to look closely, deeply at your relationship with Leta. Do you want to cultivate your relationship with her richly and provide her with 100% of your attention and joy? Or do you wish to ask her to share what she gets now with the high maintenance necessary with another child?

    Waiting to decide until Leta has become fully potty-trained, develops understandable language skills, and learns to appreciate the learning environment of school is my recommendation. Before then, you stand a high risk of her legendary screaming returning with renewed vigor, being exercised everytime you even look at the newer member of the family, not to mention the necessary feeding, holding, changing, bathing, etc.

    I vote for examining the risk factors through Leta’s eyes, and giving her what she deserves of your attentions and devotion, given the ways of the world and our country in these times.

    Having only one child was wonderful those first 9 years, and he is the most educated and accomplished of my 3. The troubles took their toll on the younger ones, who are now in their 20′s and caught up in the crazy consumerism all around us. Caring for more than one is really hard work which often results in sacrifices upon the children.

  • http://www.sassy8877.blogspot.com Jessica

    I wish more people would take the time to ask themselves the “questions” before just having lots of hot sex. Wait … now that does sound like a good idea. Oh yea, back at the ranch, more rabbit sex or not in order to procreate?? My vote is no, but then again I only have one kidlet, and I voted for Kerry.

  • http://Dani13 Dani13

    I had a baby girl 5 months ago and didn’t plan it! It was the best thing that has ever happened to me! I didn’t have the means to support a baby and I but now we have some how made it happen! So what ever you decide I’m sure it will go great!

  • Squeaker76

    Someone once said to me that you have to think of the first four years as baby prison. You can give yourself parole and take a couple years off once they are four, extend the sentence and have another kid right away, or be released permanently and decide to not have anymore. That has really stuck with me. I don’t know if I can handle a two year old and being pregnant. I also don’t know if I can handle a five year old and a two year old later down the road. Part of me wants more kids; the other part wants to be done with all of the stress a small child brings to your life. I think the decision to have the first kid was much easier….

  • http://www.msmamma.blogspot.com MsMamma

    Take the Zen way out… relax and whatever will be, will be. Usually that ends up being perfect.

  • Mygaera

    I always thought that the hubby-thing and I would have three kids– my daughter Rhi, and a precocious pair of fraternal twins or something.

    Then I had Rhi, and took a year or so off of reality to shake the post-partum depression thing. On my own. Without any medical insurance or anti-depressants to fall back on.

    Now that Rhi is seven, she’s just past the age where I wanted to have that second (and/or third) bundle of joy, to mimic the age difference between my elder brother and I. No way in hell I’m strong enough to do that, though.

    I’m so happy that the motherhood roll has finally started making sense to you, and envy you at the same time. I may always wonder whether its just going to click into place for me, or will I always have to struggle with figuring out what I’m supposed to be doing now…

    Good luck, Heather – you’re a great mom, with Jon as a great dad. Don’t let anyone else tell you otherwise.

  • Kerri

    Dooce! You are a wonderful mother. It’s great that you’re considering another child. But considering all you’ve been through, and all your family has been through, why don’t you adopt? It would make your heart swell to do it, I’m sure, especially if you offer your home to an older baby or child who for whatever reason no one else wants. You guys are just the right type of family to do that – so loving and so lighthearted. Go for it! Do it! Find your baby! Maybe he or she is already out there somewhere!

  • http://www.lostinthought.net/blog Vicky

    Yes. I know you will eventually, it’s just a matter of time. Take your time deciding to have another baby… Maybe this one will look only like you and nothing like Jon? That would be both funny and bizarre.

  • http://www.snickrsnack.com Snickrsnack Katie

    That is a question I think so many people are faced with, and I think it shows a true sense of respect and understanding of the hardships – and joys – of child rearing. Too often people go into parenthood without fully thinking it through, and it is awesome that you are contemplating all aspects of it. My sister is currently thinking of having a second child, and I it never ceases to amaze me how she is totally forgetting – or purposefully blocking from her memory – how hard the entire pregnancy, childbirth, and first few months really were. Maybe, like you said, that is nature’s way of getting us to procreate, but in a way I want to grab her by the neck and say “DON’T YOU REMEMBER WHEN YOU TOLD ME IF YOU EVER MENTIONED HAVING ANOTHER THAT I AM SUPPOSED TO PUNCH YOU IN THE HEAD?” As for my sister, I doubt she is fully considering all the ramifications of having another one – it is great that you are. And I am sure that no matter what decision you make, it will be right – for you. Don’t let anyone pressure you into doing it again. You are a hero in my eyes for doing it once and going through all you did. And all I can say is, if there are any two people out there more deserving and capable of having more kids, it is you and Jon. The two of you seem like wonderful people, and so devoted to each other. I wish you luck in the decision process!

  • http://www.cleopatraqueenofdenial.blogspot.com gypsy

    Heather, while you have a very “normal” life (or at appears to be on this blog), you seem to be totally okay with the very “abnormal” parts of it.

    Have another baby if and when you feel damn good and ready.

    I’m too chicken to have even one, and I always said/thought I wanted four. We grow up different than our fantasies/delusions. So what.

    It’s all good.

  • http://chaoticharmony.us Carol

    As a mother of 3 who’s barely holding it together, my gut reaction is to warn you to stop at one!!!

    Kids are great and I wouldn’t ever give any of mine up but holy macaroni they’re hard work. My husband and I like to ponder what our life would be like if we’d never had kids or had stopped at one….We imagine that our life would be much more peaceful, lol.

    And this is coming from someone who’s never had to deal with depression – post-partum or otherwise.

  • http://chapternext.typepad.com Jennifer

    All of these questions are wise, of course. It’s a smart thing to examine the situation, to evaluate. Trouble is, too much of the thinking about it and you’ll never just do it, the go forth and multiply thing. Go with your heart. The rest will sort itself out.

  • Mo

    Hi Heather! I’ve been reading your blog for about three years now and I’ve never felt the need to add to your vast number of emails/comments, but I want to put my two cents in on this one. I’m only 22 and am nowhere near close to having kids and I don’t have too much experience with them, so this is unsolicited and uneducated advice (oh, the worst kind!) but I do know a lot about being a sister, and as much as my brother can be a pain in my ass I cannot imagine my life without him. There is something incredible, as I’m sure you know, about sharing the experience of a family with someone other than your parents. Parents are wonderful for the most part, but, at least for me, my brother is always there for me, loves me unconditionally, and has taught me maybe too much about myself and the world. Anyway, whenever I think about whether or when I have kids I know that I wouldn’t want one because I would want them to experience that love and have someone to share their parents with. Anyway, I understand as well as I can your reservations and of course money is an issue, but Leta’s life would be completely changed if she had a lil bro or sis and it would only be for the good. No one ever wishes that they had been an only child, and all the only children I know wish they had siblings. Good luck!! xoxo, Mo

  • Erin

    I was just wondering the other day if you and Jon planned on having any more kids. I don’t know why, I don’t usually spend my time thinking about people I’ve never met before. Actually, that’s not true at all. It’s good that you are looking at all the complicated factors, but maybe only time will tell. Maybe one day the decision to have another baby or not to have another baby will make absolute sense to you. Whatever you and Jon decide, it will all work out and I wish your family the best.

  • http://morbid-fascination.blogspot.com/ Beth in Michigan

    Heather, I became a single mom at almost 28. By the time he was 5, I figured he was going to be an only child. Even though he was begging for a sibling, I was fairly certain I didn’t want to sign up for single parenthood again, at least not on purpose.

    Then I met my husband and he wanted a baby, so we made a deal, he promised to stick around for 20 years, I cranked out another child. My boys are now 6 & 14 and my hubbin is the best daddy ever. I never would have planned to have children that far apart but I have been blessed. They have their bad days, for sure, but for the most part, they actually love each other.

    So, here’s the assvice, which you may choose to ignore or embrace. I’m glad I waited until my older child actually *wanted* a sibling, but if I waited till *I* was ready? I might never have had another one.

  • SAHM

    After having a baby I assumed that anyone that CHOOSES to have another is out of their mind. I promptly made the appointment for a 10 yr. IUD, (love it btw) thinking that I am 110 percent sure I never want to go through that again. Now, it’s more like 75 percent. Our son is 2, our dog doesn’t get the attention she once did, and our family feels pretty full.

    When I start to think about those fuzzy little heads I quickly remind myself of the woman at the swimming pool, 8 months preggers with the stretch marks down to her ankles. Our son was 5 weeks early so he saved me alot of that end bit—-but still, who wants to get up in the night to pee a thimble full every two hours?

    Was it Woody Allen that said, “Just because you can have them doesn’t mean you should?” That’s my mindset for the moment. I shudder when I think of the generation that squirted them out EVERY YEAR because there was no such thing as birth control. Damn!

  • http://annejelynn.blogspot.com/ Annejelynn

    And you can’t really know – you can only hope ~ but the power of hope and a belief and a desire to make it work can all combine to create a purty powerful line of focus, helping to lead you in such a way that you’ll be able to recognize those opporunities which already exist, ready and waiting for you to grad at ‘em.

    Whatever you and Jon decide, you’ll make it work.

  • http://sarahkite.blogspot.com sarahekite

    Children are a beautiful thing, and I have absolute faith that you and Jon will make the right decision (whichever that will be). Best of luck (and I hope you have another)!

  • http://www.xanga.com/bellabug bellabugs_mom

    One thing I will never understand:

    how can anyone say, “plan not to plan” or “God will make that decision for you” unless you are reproductively challenged that is. for me, i was on the pill for 15 years, went off to get pregnant, the next month i was in fact pregnant. now i am on the pill again, so how can i leave it up to God or not plan it? if i quit taking the pill, i WILL get pregnant, if i dont quit taking it, i WONT. so i must make a conscious decision to go down this path of joy and shitty diapers again. lucky me, my little one is only 10 months old, so i have awhile before the pressure is on.

    the only advice i can offer on this:

    we had one dog and decided to let her get knocked up. we planned to keep one puppy and sell the rest of them. of course, my husband and i each fell in love with a different puppy so we kept 2. Best thing we ever did. The momma dog had a bit of PPD herself and hated her pups. The 2 little ones made it so much easier than just having one. They play together and have never required the amount of attention that just one would. Everyone has told me the same thing about children. If you have 2, they keep eachother busy.

    I imagine I will have another at some point. What really made it hit home for me was realizing that if I dont have another baby, my child will someday go through life, my death, my husbands death, etc. somewhat ALONE. sure she has cousins galore, will probably have a husband and kids of her own. but she wont have that one other person that could identify with her past, present, and future the same way that a sibling could. there are days that if i couldnt call my sister, i dont know what i would do.

    P.S. i apologize for the poor grammar and syntax. normally i read your posts, but never get to comment. today i just HAD to weigh in while running a 3 ring circus.

  • http://jens-space.typepad.com/ JenniferH

    For me the second time around has been completely different than the first time. DD#1 was considered a “difficult baby”. She was a screamer, didn’t like to be held, generally was pissed off most of the time. She had gross motor skill delays that required a lot of therapy. Of course all this made me love her even more but it was hard to get through all that stuff. When we decided to try again I found out I was broken. We ended up needing a little help from a specialist and 2 years later I have one of the easiest babies I could ever imagine. I think it’s a combination of babe being mellow and me being even more mellow because I’ve been there and done that. When I see the bond form between my two girls I know that it was meant to be. It’s truly a beautiful sight to see.

  • katerino

    Thank you, once again, for writing something so deeply heartfelt and honest. My daughter turns one tomorrow, and I just now think I am getting this mothering thing. I did not have severe post partum, but I did have some, and mostly I had the “who the hell is this creature and what am I supposed to do with her?!!” blues for a long time. I love being a mom, but it has just been recently that things have started to feel comfortable to me. I mean, I don’t freak out over the littlest things anymore and I just try to enjoy my little person. I get asked all the time about when we’re going to have another and I get so crazy when I hear that question! I think it’s only for you to decide and that when the time is right you will know. I think it’s pretty safe to say that you are an amazing mother and you and Jon have a life that is enviable, and you will be fantastic with just Leta or with several more! Of course I say this with confidence because I feel like you’re a friend even though we may never meet! Thanks for sharing these thoughts, and good luck!