• http://timothyjlambert.livejournal.com timothyjlambert

    Why would anyone want to solicit a sleeping baby? They never have any cash.

    That second sign says it much better.

  • http://beldabelda.blogspot.com belda


    Please put that sign on your door.

  • http://mooseinthekitchen.blogspot.com moose

    I say you should hand the next sales pitch a screaming Leta. They’d never come back.

  • Kristin

    THIS is why I love reading your blog. You rock.

  • http://mooseinthekitchen.blogspot.com moose

    Luckily, the only solicitation we get is the homeless dudes rooting through our recycling. And the occasional crack dealer. Do you think a sign like that would work on the crack dealers?

    “Does my doorway with its carefully potted though less carefully watered flowers look like a dark shady alley? No? That’s because you’re in the wrong goddamn place. Try across the street and two doors down.”

  • lolabelle

    I completely understand everyone’s angst about and anger toward door-to-door salespeople, but please consider that not everyone who comes to your door is trying to sell to you. I’m a reporter at a small-town newspaper, and my job often requires that I go talk to residents in town about their thoughts on a municipal issue or policy. Sometimes, the best way to do that is to go knock on a few doors.

    It is never my goal to disturb you or wake your child, so maybe you could reserve the profanity for someone who’s not just trying to do her job. Telling me you’re going to shoot me because I had the gall to knock on your door is a bit overblown. By all means, let me know that the baby is sleeping. I won’t ring the bell. But maybe I’ll leave my business card in the mailbox and ask you for a call back. Would that be so awful?

  • Warrior Knitter

    I knew I forgot to do something today. Thanks for the reminder. Instead of sleeping baby, mine says, “Grouchy homeowner won’t buy anything from you anyway.”

  • http://www.bigcitysmallworld.blogspot.com Brian

    We have a similar problem with people ringing the buzzer on our apartment for the apartment downstairs.

    It always happens during naptime.

  • http://www.ittybit.blogspot.com Toyfoto

    Aren’t you glad he got his clogs back? That’s a PERFECT use for them!

  • http://svrspy.blogspot.com Scarlet

    I said no to a magazine sales person once in college and later, whenever he saw me on campus he would yell out mean things.

    I like the second sign.

  • http://www.monkeythoughts.com monkey

    OMG…we have those people too. They got me twice in parking lots. The whole “I’m in this program blah blah blah if I win I’ll send you a postcard” spiel. Now with the kiddo having to sell subscriptions for school, it’s not a problem to turn them down.
    I’m kinda nasty with door to door solicitors. Mainly because we live in an apt complex with a whole “No Soliciting” sign on the door. I thought about putting a “This includes Jehovah’s Witnesses” at the end of it.

  • http://www.reformedstrippersanon.blogspot.com JessicaRabbit

    We have TWO no soliciting signs up and yet STILL people knock on our door at 9 am on a saturday, ask if they woke us, then continue on with their sales pitch.

    Im going to put up a sign that just says, If you knock on my door you are legally giving me the right to feed you to my hungry Saint Bernards.

  • rpgoodwin

    Are the solicitors who’re “working on their communication skills” to “get out of the inner city” all over the US? They’re thick here in SE Texas. I live in a suburb north of Houston and they come through about three times a year. They’re charming but extremely aggressive and make you feel like a heartless racist if you don’t listen to their spiel and buy their magazines. We actually had to point a gun at one to get him to leave last year. My question – is this a legitimate operation or a big scam?

  • http://www.asmalltowngirl.com Ang

    You rock. Keep your sign up!

  • patchuga

    Actually, I just thought of the perfect no soliciting sign….with apologies to Douglas Adams:

    Please do not ring the doorbell or knock on the door as a punch in the mouth often offends.

  • rpgoodwin

    Are the solicitors who’re “working on their communication skills” to “get out of the inner city” all over the US? They’re thick here in SE Texas. I live in a suburb north of Houston and they come through about three times a year. They’re charming but extremely aggressive and make you feel like a heartless racist if you don’t listen to their spiel and buy their magazines. We actually had to point a gun at one to get him to leave last year. My question – is this a legitimate operation or a big scam?

  • http://chitlinsandcamembert.blogspot.com/ chitlinsandcamembert

    Goooder – same here (in France)! 5 days after moving into my first apartment in Paris, 15 years ago, the Jehovah’s Witnesses climbed 5 flights of stairs to talk to me.

    And last summer, just a week after I moved into my new house here in the Loire Valley, the doorbell rang and it was THEM!!!

    I swear they have some shady deal with the French White Pages where they get notified as soon as someone new moves in.

  • http://shuffleupanddeal.blogspot.com/ angelaspyder


    Now, mass market those bitches so I can put one on my front door!

  • JennJenn

    I am laughing SO hard.

    I feel exactly the same way.

  • http://www.lifeandtimesofchantelcom Chantel

    I used to live in a ghetto. The only people that knocked on your door were the cops asking me where I was 2 hours earlier.

    I wonder how it would work on a “J’Witness” sales staff?

  • http://www.myspace.com/amedame Amy D.

    PixieMegh, I was thinking “dooce by proxy” for getting fired for reading dooce at work…what do you think?

  • PixieMegh

    Oh. My. Freaking. Hell.

    ROTFLMAO!!!! Please use YOUR sign and hide a video camera… it’ll make for great laughs. I can see all the Utard Mormons (as the California Mormons *fondly* call them) falling over in spastic seizures.

    Heather, if I get fired for reading Dooce at work (getting caught because of my fits of giggles) do I get to be Dooce Jr? Or is that title already assigned to Leta?

  • Heidi Nelle

    Maybe at the end of your sign, you should’ve said “Violators will be shot, survivors will be shot again.”

  • http://delectual.blogsplot.net Sarah-Jean

    That is AWESOME!! I want that sign!!

  • http://www.snickrsnack.com Snickrsnack Katie

    Yeah, your sign is way more to the point. And if someone still didn’t heed your sign’s warning, you would have every right to do whatever you felt compelled to with one of Jon’s hideous clogs. Those holes really make the clog streamlined and aerodynamic, and the salesperson would have to get a real good headstart in order to dodge it.

    I knew that clogs had to be good for something. Aside from being the ugliest things on the planet.

  • http://howdoyoulikeme.blogspot.com jw

    When I was a stay-at-home Mom in Nebraska, we had a system in our neighborhood called, “Mormon Alert.” You would answer the phone and hear, “Mormon Alert,” and you would hang up and call the next person.

    When I had my last Bundle of Joy I got a sign, much like those “Baby on Board” signs that read, “Sleeping baby. Please do not ring bell.” It didn’t work. So I hung is OVER the door bell. Still didn’t work. So we unhooked the bell.

    Now, on the rare occassion I feel like dragging my lazy ass to the door I will politely decline. Once. I will politely decline a second time. After that, it depends on the time of the month! Except for one. Malachi House is one I can’t resist and I will always scare up cash for them. If they got a portable debit-card reader I’d be in big trouble.

  • http://www.kempland4u.com Goooder

    That’s amazing! I hope the sign keeps working. Sometimes people think that if they aren’t actually ‘selling’ something it doesn’t count as soliciting.

    Not so many solicitors in Massachusetts. Once in a while, but maybe like 2x per year.

    However, when I was in Tokyo the Mormons and JW’s were at my damn door every single week. Way more than I ever encountered in the US. I think they were always saddened when a white English speaking girl opened the door.

  • tk

    I think you should go with both signs on the door. But I think your’s should be decorated with flowers and puppies and kittens and stuff…

  • http://chitlinsandcamembert.blogspot.com/ chitlinsandcamembert

    For us (in the French countryside) it’s the gypsies who come door to door selling baskets, while actually scoping out your house to steal all of its contents. I want your sign, but targeted to the gypsy population and in French.

    like “Take your f–king baskets and shove them where the soleil doesn’t shine.”

    I’m still working on it.

  • http://www.crazymokes.com raine

    I wonder if it’s also to keep internet fans at bay :) I have family in Utah, and so visit a few times a year, and I often wonder if you’d open your door to a fan if they came bearing booze and mormon war stories :)

    I figure clogs flying at one’s head isn’t the best thing in one’s day, so I’ve never let it go past idle wondering.

    (I also can’t bring myself to be rude, even to the missionaries come to question my current stance on the church (NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS?), when I’ve had 3 brothers serve.)

  • http://www.issasworld.typepad.com issa

    While I like your better, I think his is probably effective. Go to kinkos and laminate it though. Then it will still be there when she is ten. That would be funny.

  • http://wealhtheow.diaryland.com wealhtheow

    Actually, I think you could market that sign and make a fortune.

  • http://caloden..com Caloden

    I love your sign. The peeking through the curtains thing works, but only until the children are old enough to joyfully, and willingly, answer the door. I sometimes have to physically restrain the nine-year-old from letting in the religious zealots, she doesn’t understand that if they come in one time they will forever return.

    But anybody who wakes a sleeping baby -or worse, a toddler- should be punished in unheard of ways.

  • ricardipus

    Can I suggest one improvement to your (most excellent) notice?

    ‘P.S. Bite my *ss!’

    That is all.

  • patchuga

    Ooooohhhh, we made that sign (the first one) the day after we brought our firstborn home. Because we lived in a small Midwestern town, the PROUD HOMETOWN OF DANFORTH J. QUAYLE (and I couldn’t move out of there fast enough), and we were plagued by door-to-door evangelists and Kirby salesmen.

    Even with a sign, we often had the evangelists knock or ring the doorbell. One pair, two women with nameplates designating them as “Sister June” and “Sister Ruth”, were very persistent. Even though I was very polite and said that we already had a religion, thank you, they kept yelling at me as I closed the door that “You must not want to get to heaven!”

    Now we live in a town where soliciting is against the law, and I am very grateful. We get the occasional Girl Scout, but no evangelists.

  • http://www.chickadoodle.blogspot.com AJ

    Hey, my brother served in Montreal in the late 80′s. Now he is the only one besides me (of my 11 siblings) who has left ‘the’ church. I figure most people only have 1 brother, so I am doing okay.

  • Charissa

    heather, your sign is my favorite. :) We live in military housing, stairwell style,on the 4th floor, so we don’t get solicitors but lots of annoying little brats whose parents don’t watch them like to run around and ring the doorbell buttons at the bottom of the stairwell. I’ll go answer the door and no one is there, and it’s always right when I’ve managed to get my 2 year old and 3 week old napping at the same time. These parents also seem to think it’s a great f—ing idea to let their kids play on the playground behind the bedroom at 10:30 pm!!! thanks for giving me a chuckle today. :)

  • http://www.dillier.net Jamie

    I am making that sign right now and taping it to my door!

  • textimage

    sorry heather, jon wins again. his use of both roman and capital letters is more considered in 4 words than your 28. two beating in a week? rough stuff ;-)

  • http://kimbanelson.blogspot.com/ dancingnancy

    AUGH! I thought this was just an Oregon thing! I’d never had it happen before until we moved up here, but I swear these kids ring our doorbell at the most annoying moments (think pajamas…no bra…). They always want me to shake their hands and “tell them how they’re doing”. Well, if your point is to thoroughly annoy me with talk of magazines that magically allow you to travel to the Caribbean, then yes, you’re doing quite well. Sorry, but kids coming to my door to hit on me, tell me about their huge dog, and about how their “drug program is giving them the opportunity to heal by selling people stuff” just doesn’t work for me, thank you, good day.

    Thanks for the idea, I’m going to make my sign now….

  • Shannon Seery | EXCELER8ion.com

    Our sign said:

    “You Wake Her…You Take Her”

  • http://justlinda.net JustLinda

    If they came to MY door, I would totally make them watch the kids while I go to Dairy Queen. ‘Cause I need me an Oreo cookie Blizzard RIGHT F—CKING NOW!

  • http://www.spankoff.blogspot.com TerraT

    I just realized that I got scammed. Thanks!

    Umm, where were you last month?

  • http://www.jillmurray.com Jill Murray

    Like, omigod!

    I TOTALLY opened the door to a pair of Mormons one snowy afternoon in Quebec.

    I was about 15 and experiencing PMS for only the second or third time in my life, and I told them I was “busy,” and then immediately felt guilty because I was visibly just watching Anne Of Green Gables on TV.

    So I closed the door, watched them walk back down the driveway and went back to my movie.

    Note, though, that I was very nice about it, and didn’t throw anything.

  • http://melinor.blogspot.com MelanieinOrygun

    I am in complete awe of Jon’s ability to be nice to that girl after that. “Program to increase communication skills” or not, I would have read her the riot act and traumatized her for life. Hey- maybe it would’ve been a valuable lesson in effective communication – Do Not Lean On The God Damn Doorbell Or People Will Eat Your Face Off.

  • http://sheelagh.us JC

    good sign. going to make one now. (i also need to dismantle the doorbell, the one that rings for no reason and always at inopportune times.)

  • http://www.absentmindedhousewife.blogspot.com/ Becky..Absent Minded Housewife

    I’ve been much too nice to our local elderly Jehovah’s Witnesses for the same reasons as you are…the growing up in Utah thing.

    This is why I’ve been given a lovely invite to some kind of conference they are having in Odgen. Yay! Wait, I can’t go…I have to wash my hair and shave my chickens.

    They’ll stop knocking on my door around Halloween. I put up a fabulous display that includes several severed body parts.

  • keagansmom

    so when did u come by MY house????

  • dre

    Heather, your sign wins! I pity the poor fool who ignores it.

    While my husband was off work for a month I started noticing more and more solicitors knocking at our door. The icing on the cake was one Saturday – at eight fucking o’clock in the a.m. – when a couple answered the door and asked, “Is Adam home?” All I could think was, “Uh, who the hell are you!? And how do you know my husband’s name?”

    Needless to say he’s no longer allowed to answer the door. :)

  • http://www.hamiltonfamilycircus.blogspot.com Heather

    Personally I think your sign is much more creative!! Also much more likely to get people to turn right around and run as opposed to walking…