• http://www.hnrjmpr.blogspot.com hnrjmpr

    Your sign is awesome. I think you should keep it up!

  • http://www.mymixedcompany.com Lynnlaw

    We must be in the same mood. You need a pop-up blocker like the one I just wrote about today. I have the idea, you have the brains, there’s gotta be a way to do it, right?? It would help THE UNIVERSE.

  • Stephen R. Smith

    This, right here, is why I love you guys.

  • http://www.davegannon.com dhgatsby

    Are you selling the second sign? If not, where could I get one, please. Thank you.

  • Dulcenea

    Clearly, Heather’s sign is the winner in the “label the insane homeowners” competition. Yay, Heather! :)

    What I really want to know tho, is which half of the conversation in yesterday’s “Nubbin” was hers. Really, I could argue either side.

  • http://www.baggermania.com/babyblog/ lisa

    If you’re selling your sign, I’m so buying it. I’ll even buy it on a trucker hat. Let me know when the Dooce CafePress store opens.

  • http://www.internalmonoblog.typepad.com/ Sandra Heikkinen

    You might want to add something about flying f-ing clogs too…

  • http://www.poopandboogies.com William

    I tried taping a sign like that to my phone. It didn’t work.

  • http://www.godtar.com Charles R. Kaiser

    Is it wrong that I always invite the Mormans and the Jehovah’s Witnesses in for coffee?

  • lyssann

    As someone who trained people to canvass for candidates, we weren’t soliciting, so the signs didn’t apply to us. So, I told my people to knock anyway. However, sleeping baby should discourage them if they have any sense of decency.

    Oh, and because of said canvassing, i’m a door-opener, but I know enough to know which are legit or not. I had 4 mormons on my doorstep one day when I was wearing my stand up for choice shirt. If that didn’t confuse them enough, I told them that yes, I had read the book of mormon and No, I didn’t pray about it because I’m Catholic and we dont’ really believe in that now do we? I think they though I meant prayer instead of the book of mormon.

  • DannyHaszard

    Jehovah’s Witnesses door to door recruitment is by their own admission an ineffective tactic. They have lost membership in all countries with major Internet access because their false doctrines and harmful practices are exposed on the modern information superhighway.

    There is good and valid reasons why there is such an outrage against the Watchtower for misleading millions of followers.Many have invested everything in the ‘imminent’ apocalyptic promises of the Jehovah’s Witnesses and have died broken and beaten.

    Now if you wanted to know about the quality of a product,would you listen to the seller or a longtime customer?

    Danny Haszard

  • jagamom

    Heather your sign wins. I think you need to get your crafty friend to paint a few cute flowers on that sign. Then you could sell them to all of us who are also tired and begging people to not wake the 2 year old!

  • AEMom

    When I was on my maternity leave with my first. I would do the same thing. Except I counted in hours. 7 hours until he’s home, 6 hours, … He would call me to tell me that he was working only 30 minutes of overtime and I would burst into tears and cry hysterically that if loved me he would save me from my hell. Then when I was on maternity leave for my second, I quickly learned that the doorbell (or any other sudden noise) would wake my baby and I wanted to stab anyone DEAD for having the audacity to ring it while he slept! It never occured to me to make a note for the door (IDIOT!), but one of those people was indeed a “religion solicitor”. Me being the very polite Quebecer that I am told him that I was not interested and now had to go deal with the screaming baby that he woke up. I did not throw anything at him but boy did I want to. Actually, what I really wanted was for HIM to breastfeed the baby, lug him around for the next two hours and then walk him to sleep while I napped peacefully with earplugs on. That would have worked for me quite nicely.

  • SMKN70

    Love your blog, Dooce, but I vote for Jon’s sign. Yours is a bit redundant and boorish, sorry.

    My favorite memories–when the baby would FINALLY fall asleep (and stay sleeping even when placed into his crib!), I would blissfully get undressed and turn on the shower for the first time in 3 days, and then the tornado siren would blare for testing, ARGH!

  • http://www.ranitngsinred.com coffeygirlb

    Thats F#*cking great Heather, just brilliant !!

  • Mot

    LOL Those two signs provide a great contrast between the euphemism and what is really being said.

  • http://theunrepentantgallivanter.blogspot.com unrepentant gallivanter

    At university I always had those magazine people bugging me. The sign that worked the best was one that said, “No Soliciting unless you are selling WEAPONS or Girl Scout cookies.” It worked – no one knocked again until one day two little girl scouts were standing there giggling. (So, of course I had to buy some.)

  • http://www.wonked.net Wonked

    Last night I was honored to greet one of those guys who jam flyers for bad chinese food in your door. He dropped the whole stack when I greeted him.

    Picture tomorrow on wonked.net

  • http://shoeism.blogspot.com Thérèse

    You know, I find that second one oddly comforting. I mean, you know where you stand on that one. The first one is almost too subtle.

  • http://www.digitalcatharsis.com The Mighty Jimbo

    personally, i say just rewire the doorbell to give the ringer a shock.

    baby gets to sleep, and you can have potentially hours of entertainment.

  • http://wakingupastonished.blogspot.com Melissa

    The second sign – way better.

    The first year I was married, I went to Target for 45 minutes and when I came home my husband had purchased a set of encyclopedias from someone who came to the door. Nice.

  • Shari

    I just love – LOVE – that you used the “couldn’t care less” phrase correctly instead of saying “could care less” because that’s just annoying. :) Thank you.

    P.S. My husband will pretty much buy anything from cute little kids so I had to become the hard ass that says “no”. He’s schocked at how calous I’ve become, but after a 45 minute demonstration on a new “clean everything” cleaner a few years back, I had to change my ways. Cheers.

  • jeffy

    We have a sign sort of like that, and I have to say, the magic word that made it finally work is “unwelcome.” Our sign says, “If you are unexpected then you are also UNWELCOME. Please do not ring our bell.” We are down from one solicitor per week to one per year. They read that and just walk away!

  • JEM

    Our tactic: We live on a steep hill. So steep that we get a different mailperson each week since they all hate the delivery route up and down the hill. But, so…fortunately, does everyone else. It seems only the kids at Halloween are willing to brave the steeps and they are the only ones we reward.

  • http://scrappingviolet.blogspot.com MissLissa

    I vote for sign #2. I need a sign like that. Darned scammy magazine salespeople…

  • MissKitty

    I absolutely hate those magazine subscription hawkers with a fiery passion. I got screwed over once because the guy told me I had a week to cancel and he’d still get his commission. After he’d left I realized I only had 4 days to cancel and he’d written two days ago’s date on the subscription form. Ugh. Now we don’t answer the door unless we recognize the person standing on the other side.

    And I want *your* sign, too.

  • katehopeeden

    I love, more than anything, that there is a “f—ing” on every. single. line.
    The only time I ever had anyone try and sell me something at my door, I was living in a security guard protected building and it wasn’t teens, it was a really obese early twenties male and female.
    And they were all sweaty and asked for water.
    And I live in Texas, so I had to give them some because I think you can be arrested here for not giving someone water in July.
    Anyway, I canceled the check after they left. :)

  • http://www.svmomsblog.com Jill Asher

    Yes, I have done the same exact thing! I got suckered in to one of those ‘sweet looking’ highschool kids (really college aged) giving me the sob story that they are putting themself through college and trying to make money. My husband couldn’t believe my stupidity! Years later, we are still receiving HOME Magazine. I don’t think I ever read it…. uggh.

    Jill Asher
    Co-Founder, Silicon Valley Moms Blog

  • tbrannies

    The signs are hilarious. My kid’s almost 13, but is it wrong that I have them up anyway? I don’t want my nap interrupted.

    By the by – I used to sell magazines door to door. It’s a total scam. Sorry to any of you that I sold them to – I found out too late.

  • thatlydiagirl

    This is why the ringer on my doorbell has been disconnected permanently, since Sophia was an infant. A necessity, in my tiny house.

  • http://kristied.blogspot.com KristieD

    i am glad to know we are not the only family who hangs “sleeping baby – dont knock” signs on our doors. that is the worst when the doorbell goes, and the bell itself is loud enough to wake the dead, but then you have a little psycho dog (which we do) that goes frigging balistic at the same time. Ya- those & sleeping babies dont mix well. It definitely makes you want to blow someone’s head off. I like your sign better btw- its the point across so much clearer.

  • http://www.simzgirl.com/ simzgirl

    That is f–king priceless! ;)

  • http://www.stupidspaz.com Dave

    Heather, I’m so totally going to make one of those signs. F–kin hilarious.

  • http://mylifetransformed.com Mary Jo

    Door to door Mormons scare the fuck out of me! I had a pair come once to the house, and I made the mistake of talking to them. After that they came back twice a week for a 4 weeks! Once they came when I was in the dining room, I saw them pull up, and my mom was upstairs. She’s screaming… “Mary Jo, answer the door.”, and I’m hiding under the dining room table. They never came back.

    When I moved to Indiana they got me coming out of the library. Standing next to my car, and so I told them about my unfortunate encounter in Ohio. They thought it was pretty funny, but I still spent 10 minutes trying to escape them.

    Last night I saw them at the mall. Two guys… white shirts, black pants, backpacks, and the book. They were looking around the food court trying to find someone to entrap. When Matt spotted them, he pointed them out to me. We left the food-court immediately.

    When I see them walking down the street I make the sign of the cross at them. You know… to ward them off. HAHA Door to door Mormons… scariest thing ever.

  • http://www.emich.net/~nikki/blog Nikki

    and where can I find a sign like that? Although the evil one in me sometimes likes to challenge the religious solicitors. It can be a great stress reliever.

  • http://annejelynn.blogspot.com/ Annejelynn

    off the current subject here – - I’m curious now… how many pairs of Clogs does Jon own, anyhow?

  • http://barefootintheparkblog.blogspot.com/ Girl About Town

    OMG, that second sign soooo says it all.

    And I laughed so hard when I read it, I nearly woke up my little one, who’s sleeping!

    So maybe your post should come with a warning sign!! :)

  • http://www.postednote.com eddeaux

    so funny. man, when I read a post this good it is like eating a piece of chocolate cake off of Heidi Klum’s stomach…

    thanks for the treat Heather.

  • http://bozoette.typepad.com Mary Wise

    My mom always invited them in to join her in saying the rosary.

  • http://thebelgiumwaffel.blogspot.com/ mandee

    that sign is f—ing awesome. luckily the town i grew up in had a no soliciting law. every so often we would get some jehovah witnesses or someone that crossed over the city line which was right down the street. it was alaways nice and easy to open the door and say “i’m sorry, but were you aware that theres a no soliciting law here? no? well there is. buh bye now!”

  • thleen

    Great sign, Heather.

    When I was in college, my room mate and I made a really nice door mat that read “NO PSYCHOS”.
    Needless to say, someone stole it. F-cking psycho-kleptos.

  • http://www.paintingchef.com PaintingChef

    How embarrassed am I that I know an US Weekly subscription really does cost $60…?

    Love the sign. The Jehovah’s Witnesses come around our neighborhood frequently and I now tell them quite pleasantly “I’m really busy right now saluting the flag and celebrating my birthday but if you’ll come back in about half an hour, I’d love to tell you all about it.” (My mom teaches kindergarten and those are two of the classroom activites that the JW’s kids’ parents wouldn’t allow them to participate in…) That usually leaves the door to door people stammering for a response but I think I’m going to go with your sign from now on…is that copyrighted or anything?

  • http://missbehave.org MissBehave

    You crack me up. You say the things I think but never say. I admire you.

  • toddlermama

    I put up my sign during the last Presidential election. My registration as an Independent apparently involved inviting every recognized and cracker-jack political group to knock on my door and beg for my vote, and then the survey crew (PIRG, for Public Interest Research Group) would come too, asking me to sign petitions. The day after the sign went up, an PIRGer rang my bell repeatedly. The poor lost girl looked as though I’d taken a switch to her when I asked her which college she attended — The College of New Jersey — and then asked if she had to read to attend school there… followed by “WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE IF YOU READ MY F**ING SIGN?” As she backed away from me, she said, “Your sign says No Solicitation. I’m not a solicitor.” So now my sign reads “No Soliciting, and PIRG, this means you, too.” Can’t use the “motherf**kers” that I wanted to put in there because my six year old can read. Feh.

  • http://sithsnoopy.blogspot.com sithsnoopy


    Dooce, you absolutely rock. :)

  • dyanna

    When we moved into our house, I immediately put this magnet I bought in the middle of the door that reads, “BE NICE OR LEAVE”. My husband didnt think it was very humorous but I insisted. It now sits on the top right corner of the door. I still get solicitors but at least they’re nice… and my child is a deep sleeper which also helps.

  • TxSuzyQ

    There are times the “Kick’em in the balls” approach is totally necessary. Naptime… kids, or mine, is one of them.

    I endorse this method!

  • http://jens-space.typepad.com/ JenniferH

    I love you and YOUR sign.

  • http://imaveg.blogspot.com/ plue

    An US Weekly subscription now costs $60?

    I live in the smallest house in a really posh neighborhood and there’s a group of kids who do not live here who come by every now and then to solicit.

    My husband and I are always tempted to ask them, “Do you see how small this house is? If we had an extra $60, don’t you think the first priority would be to fix that shingle that’s missing from the upstairs window?”

  • http://www.thisbearbites.blogspot.com thisbearbites

    If you wake the baby I will have you put to sleep!