• millerbiere

    “If you ring this doorbell and wake our napping children, you will get to visit God sooner than expected” also works well in the visual communications department.

  • shannon

    where the f**k is the f**king sign jon made?!?!? can anybody just f**king tell me what it f**king says?? how come i can see all the f**king pics in the whole f**king blog and not that f**king one???
    fanks, fanks alot.

  • thejoyof

    It’s official.

    I love you.

  • http://sandrascanadablog.blogspot.com Sandra

    Is this why you won’t let me in, no matter how many times I ring the doorbell?

  • far and away the farthest

    Why do we even have doorbells? The sound they makes lifts you two feet off the bloody couch. I have never lived in a house so large that I couldn’t hear a knock at the door.

    It would be a nice touch if you could have a video of people reading the sign and sloooooowwwly backing away from the door. Maybe instead of ‘have a nice day’ it should end ‘Keep your hands visible at all times.’ It would make the videos even better,

  • http://chaithere.blogspot.com AndreaBT

    I am so glad to know I am not the only person who doesn’t answer the door if it’s not someone I know. Usually we know it’s a solicitor just because someone is knocking at the front door (because the way parking is at our house, everyone who has a legit reason to be here goes to the back).

  • http://kassig.squarespace.com/ Kassi Gilbert

    amy: Hmm…I usually just turn the ringer on the phone off and let the answering machine get it if my kid is taking a nap.

    Novel idea eh?

  • hidypitts


  • http://www.pumpkinjuice.com Jen Mahler

    That same lady came to my door a week or so ago. Was she a blonde lady who seemed realllly cracked out? She made me uncomfortable – very very fidgety.

    It was really hard to get her to leave. She was relentless. But luckily she only woke up my cats, so it was no big deal.

    Had it been my sleeping child? Death to her.

  • Lora

    Man, I sure wish I had that second sign when my son still took naps. It is priceless!

  • melinda

    Go Heather!!

    For the reporter and the wife of the cable-guy: While I realize this is like walking up to a group of people talking about you or your loved one, think VENTING! :-P

    Back to topic–I was nice *once* to a JW. He returned the next day with a posse to try to convert me (I’d just come home from the hospital after surgery and was delerious) So, several years later when I was living in an apartment complex and some knocked on my door, I explained the ‘No soliciting’ sign at the front gate. They claimed they weren’t soliciting, so I called the office and they were trespassed!

    Finally, thought for those magazine peddling kids trying to get out of the bad neighborhoods. Point out that they ARE out of that bad area and none of us are entitled to overseas travel just for selling a few magazines!!

    ok…now I’ll go back to LMAO over the sign. cheers!

  • gabip

    Heather, that is F–cking awsome, your sign gets my vote.

  • gabip

    PS. I love the pic of Jon watering the yard with Leta strapped to his back, now that is a serious husband and father.

  • http://barbie2be.blogspot.com barbie2be

    can you sell those on cafe press?

  • gabip

    PS. I love the pic of Jon watering the yard with Leta strapped to his back, now that is a seriously rockin husband and father.

  • http://www.respectrx.com Court@RespectRx.com

    My neighbor, very sweet, always knocks so hard I think it’s the cops with a warrant. And she always wakes us after just dozing off into to a light carb-Tivo-comma around 9 pm. My husband always jumps to answer, without looking out the window, as I’m like NOOOOOOOOO because I’m always bra-less, startled, think it’s one those magazine hustlers — and he doesn’t KNOW who it is and he just opens the door. Hasn’t he seen Friday the 13th? And we do live downtown where our neighbors have actually reported watching TV, while someone slipped in the back and took their keys and purse and drove out the driveway with their kid in the car (well, practically). So you don’t just open the door like it’s Oprah and the Wildest Dreams Bus.

    And with that fierce knocking you’d think my neighbor’s house was on fire and then it’s: Can you help me lift a XYZ out of my car or can you put my entertainment center together or can you snap my shoulder back in. GAWD. I love her, but she’s got brass ones!

    Considering trip wire for the porch…

  • Susan

    About two years ago I created a sign for our front door and it works! It reads:

    Please! No Soliciting, Selling, Promoting and such.
    We know our faith and our political affiliation. And God knows we have enough stuff. We appreciate your intentions, but would appreciate your respect for our privacy even more. Thank you!

  • Mack’sMom

    A way to really send door-to-door sales people into a stupor is to say, “Someone was already here yesterday. I bought ______ from him. Sorry!” Now you’re not stingy or mean!

    When people call to sell things I always say I work for a similar company for the product they are pushing. “I work for Anderson Window so I get them at a great discount! Thanks!”
    The key with telamarketers is to keep them on the phone, if time allows. They get paid by their volume, so if you hang up fast they just move on to the next phone number. If you really want to have fun with them play that your interested, ask a lot of questions. Make yourself sound like a sure thing! Trust me, they’ll be one pissed off cookie once you do hang up!

  • Mack’sMom

    SUSAN…I like it, I will make sure I make one tonight!

  • http://annejelynn.blogspot.com/ Annejelynn

    how subtle…


  • http://www.vegasandvenice.com vegasandvenice

    I have to go with Jon here. Why? Less egg to wash off your car come halloween time.

  • http://www.fussy.org Mrs. Kennedy

    Nice font. Is that Meta?

  • http://www.itchywool.blogspot.com Courtney

    Nice sign.
    We had a couple of college-age guys roaming our small-town Iowa neighborhood one late night last year selling magazine subscriptions. My dad politely got rid of them (holding back a large black labrador, no less), but we later found out they were canvassing to rob someone, and had harrassed other neighbors before and after us. The cops ended up telling them to leave town, as there was a rule against soliciting at that time of night, but I locked the doors after that!

  • http://monkeyswithfezzes.blogspot.com Varla

    Ah, suburban living. (Un)fortunately, I live in a neighborhood where people shoot first and ask questions later…which tends to keep the door to door sales down considerably.

    It doesn’t however stop the cherubic Mormon boys from knocking on my neighbors’ doors. They only go to certain houses though – is there some complicated algorithm by which they decide where to go?

  • http://rosenleaf.typepad.com Nicole Rosenleaf Ritter

    I found out last year after two of the “I’m selling magazines to learn how to better communicate” guys scammed me that their program is pretty much a scam for the kids doing the selling. I mean, you will get magazines, but the kids selling them are getting screwed.

    Most sign up after answering some vaguely worded ad like “See the country! Travel for free!” and then are subjected to high-pressure techniques to get them to agree to go. Then they’re shipped across the country and told they have to earn their trip back by selling a certain number of subscriptions.

    That said, I am fond of sign #2. :)

  • http://msadventures.net msadventures

    I would have liked to have borrow either one of those signs yesterday.

    When delivering fliers, why can’t people deliver them into the mailbox? Why MUST people peer through my uncovered windows, see me peacefully reading on the couch, and then send their CHILDREN up to ring my doorbell, rouse my ass off the couch, to TELL me everything that’s on the flier, then hand it to me?


  • http://retrobomb.net Lauren

    This reminds me of a few years back when my friend thrust her camera right into my face and took a photo (blinding me in the process). Close up “WHAT THE FUCK?” shots aren’t exactley the most attractive, but she then decided that she’d stick it on her front door with a sign underneath is saying “No soliciting, or i’ll unleash the beast.”

    When I went to pick her up for prom, me and the rest of my friends nearly fell through the door laughing.

    You should use the second sign..!

  • http://gorgeoux.blogspot.com gorgeoux

    And that’s why my boss has kindly asked me, repeatedly, to leave no more ‘welcome’ mats anymore in the corporate toilet. Even if we both agreed that some ‘ladies’ were crass, the potential image and financial damage for our business would have been immense, with clients potentially needing to check the loo that opened its doors to a mat like ‘I f******* believe that we are not “just” asses’, or the likes.

  • http://www.mysterymommy.blogspot.com mystery mommy

    Our sign merely says “No Soliciting.” It is right next to the door bell. We didn’t add “Baby sleeping” because salesmen don’t give a rats ass. What we did do is add a little sign that says “NRA members welcomed here.”

  • barwench

    I have to share a joke this reminded me of.

    Why do mormons have inverted nipples?

    *poke fingers outward* Get off my porch!!!

  • http://www.faydean.typepad.com amy Jacobs

    Ok, that made me laugh so hard I was crying! I think you should market that second sign. It would sell like hotcakes! I’ve totally been there. I’ve nearly broken my neck before trying to rush to answer the phone or door while my 17 month old naps. One day when I finally got to the phone, after having leapt over countless legos, dolls, strollers and such, jamming my toes in the process, I answered the phone to hear on the other end, “Yes, is this Mrs. Such and Such…Mrs. Such and Such…this is a courtesy call from.” That’s all they got out cuz I immediately said, “Courteous my ass…you just nearly made me kill myself and woke my baby up by calling here…”F**k off!” and slammed the phone down. Why is that a simple phone ring or door bell will wake a baby orthe sounds of parents contemplating having sex,but my daughter slept through two naps last week when we were getting a new roof put on the house???!!! Good post Heather. All of us parents can TOTALLY relate. Nap time is as sacred as that time the Buddhist monks spend on mountaintops contemplating their belly buttons.

  • mermaids103

    on many days, i would *love* to post the 2nd sign on my front door. our old neighborhood had a “solicitor alert” system where we would call each other when solicitors where in the neighborhood. our house sat atop a very long and ridiculously steep driveway. i would watch the solicitors take a look at the driveway, shake their heads, and simply move onto the next house. it was awesome. our current house in on a tiny lot where a baby step takes you from the street to 10 feet inside the house. i don’t answer the door. my boys have been taught how to creep quietly to door and peek through the peep hole. unless it is one of their friends, they don’t open the door…not even to their grandparents. (grandparents insist that *i* taught them that trick. hah!)
    i sympathize with those who try to make a living doing door-to-door or telemarketing, but that doesn’t mean they have a right to invade my space. i’m a teacher, but i don’t go into their homes and teach them math against their will. my door does not exist for just anyone to knock on it. once you cross my property line, you are trespassing. having an unlisted number did wonders for cutting down telemarketing calls. at this point, my friends call my cell. if the house phone rings, it’s probably not anyone i want to talk to so i let the machine take a message.

  • http://360.yahoo.com/utroukx kerry

    that is f*cking priceless! LMAO!

    our doorbell is turned off, but if someone knocks, i just don’t answer the door.

    as far as phone solicitation, since we still have dial up, i leave the computer connected to the internet all day so i don’t have to hear it ring. i hate running to the phone (usually when the kids are asleep) to answer the phone only to see that it’s a number i don’t recognize. i usually hang up on them.

  • http://www.livejournal.com/users/deodand/ Carolyn J.

    I also don’t answer my front door. If you know me and you’re coming, you call call first. I don’t creep around either, I just walk up & look thru the peephole. If I don’t know the face, I walk away.

  • Murphy

    You got to spellllll out those nice words. Cause if I’m a door to door saleswitch and I see my life being threatened by a sign that doesn’t even cuss at me proper, I’m heading for the doorbell.

  • HighlandAmy

    I like your sign Heather….

    I have a lovely sign hanging on my front door with Ivy vines surrounding the words that read simply: ‘Go Away!’

  • http://writernaut.spaces.msn.com writernaut

    I love visiting your site and I love seeing which google ad they are going to match with your entry. I laughed out loud when I saw the ad “Gas Station for Sale.”

  • http://lifeisgoodatthebeach.blogspot.com/ BeachMama

    I had a similar sign to Jon’s just last summer. I wish I had had one of yours, it would have worked much better :)

  • http://www.hydrangeasarepretty.blogspot.com Shelli

    Can I have YOUR sign, Heather?

  • http://www.shanntastic.com/ shanntastic

    Brilliant! A sign. We always just go for completely ignoring any human not previously phoning. Or I send my husband Anthony, who is often asked if his mother is home.

  • Nick T

    I think your brother might have met my mother on his mission trip.

  • http://bucky4eyes.com Bucky Four-Eyes

    Like Jess said, we have TWO signs on the door and uninvited people STILL knock. Two “No Soliciting” signs should not be taken as merely a suggestion.

    I have no use for anyone knocking on my door who isn’t invited or who doesn’t have legitimate business with me. I’ve pondered, with varying degrees of seriousness, the logistics of installing a sewage cannon by the front door. Nick and I have also discussed a front porch catapult.

    Now if I could just figure out a realistic way to spray urine in the faces of phone solicitors who repeatedly ignore my presence on the “Do Not Call” list…

  • http://cowjumpmoon.blogspot.com Shalini

    May I get a copy of that second sign? I really need that here!
    (btw, I got the crocs for my birthday, so if any solicitors come I can beat them with it!)

  • shannon

    how come i can’t see jon’s sign?! i can see every blessed picture but that one…can someone paste and email to me??
    ps…heather’s sign is what we all REALLY want to hang on the door =)

  • GA_GAL

    NO!!! Don’t move to Iowa. I actually like you. :)

  • Kelly

    Those kids who sell magazines to go on trips are always super charming and polite, to the point of even flirting with old ladies like me (I’m 31). But the minute I tell them no, that warm smile goes away and they get this look on their face that says “I know where you live.”

    Also, there are lots of neighborhood kids who are “friends” of my daughter who love to play ding dong ditch. Yeah, freaking hilarious. Little bastards.

  • mrsjcatalano

    i live somewhere where that NEVER happens, so the need for a sign is amazing to me.

  • http://www.sparkliesunshine.net Angela

    Ahaha. A better sign than yours I have no yet seen.

  • http://www.teensleuth.squarespace.com TeenSleuth

    I love you.

  • http://sadandbeautiful.typepad.com Sarah

    LOVE this. I am making that sign (your sign, of course Heather).