• juliloquy

    I love the way you mention that it was a cardboard lasagne tray. To silence further critics.

    And couldn’t Jon have used the [clothes] washing machine instead? Did he wash the clogs in a cycle with the dishes, or by themselves? Does your dishwasher have the fabulous “sanitize” feature?

    Thank you for your writing. I am sending all good wishes to you from Philadelphia!

  • http://seacreature15.blogspot.com Seacreature

    HILAROUS video! I agree… What better way to pre-clean the dishes before loading them into the dishwasher that not only uses soap, but SCALDING HOT WATER THAT NO GERM CAN POSSIBLY WITHSTAND? And hell, a few germs are good for ya, I always say.

    Good luck at the doctor… Everything is gonna be juuuuust fiiiiiine.

  • http://cauri.wordpress.com Cauri

    You know the majority of us are with you, Heather. You’re certainly allowed your “moments of freak out”, especially when we know you’re strong enough to pull through anything.

  • cinnarose

    Oh dear dooce, thank you for sharing this with the internet. It gave me a leave from the current high school like hell my work place has become. Just say NO to Drama!

  • http://www.chirky.com jes

    If only all creatures had opposable thumbs. Sigh.

  • http://gorillabuns.com gorillabuns

    i’m not quite sure why people feel the need to kick you in face when you are going through something that is in a word, “scary.” my only thought is these opportunists clearly troll around the internet trying to make sense of their worth while making themselves feel superior at your expense.

    ignore them. they don’t have a clue.

  • CJ mama

    I go back and forth. Sometimes I get nervous that the negative comments will make you more selective regarding your subject matter. Other times, like today, I love that people post such lame-ass comments so that you get fed up and and retaliate in your posts.

  • http://www.babyorbust.com oubrandi

    Heather, I really do hope that your cancer heals successfully and it is one day a tiny memory. That is so scary.
    Phooey on the insensitive people- if you can’t say anything nice, take your hands off the keyboard!

    As for Chuck, he’s a rockstar. And if you’re ever in Kansas he can come by to lick my plates. I think we all need “Chuck licked my plate” t-shirts!

  • http://alanson.livejournal.com/ alanson-rachel

    Cancer is scary… thanks for being brave enough to talk about it.

  • rachelle

    maybe we didn’t hear you complain kate but i think we got an earful from the chip on your shoulder. it sounds to me like you have been alotted more than your fair share of grief and that had you complained, or better yet, processed your pain and fear in a safe and supportive environment you might be better equipped to respond compassionately to others. a broken heart, a biopsy from your arm, a lost job, a troubled child, war, ignorance… there are plenty of things that are sad, scary and deserve some contemplation and compassion. It takes courage to expose your vulnerabilities and ask for help and support.

    Thank you for sharing your experience Heather and I wish you a quick and speedy recovery.

  • Tara

    I’m sure I’m echoing others’ sentiments here, but. . .

    Cancer is cancer, and I can’t imagine it NOT being scary. And for what it’s worth, your story has given me the ass-kick I needed to make an appointment with a dermatologist to have my moles examined. Just in case.

    What is wrong with a dog licking a bowl or plate? You’re going to wash it before you use it again anyway. I’m sure our dogs are eating wild animal poop and God knows what all else while they’re outside, then they come in and lick our hands & faces, and we don’t freak out about that. It certainly hasn’t killed us yet. Besides, my son really likes it when they try to lick the pacifier out of his mouth. It would be cruel to take those moments of joy away from him.

  • http://barbie2be.blogspot.com barbie2be

    oh dear god. does that email person actually think you picked up the plates and put them back into the cupboard after chuck was done licking them?

    honestly, some people just fail to grasp sarcasm.

    me, i can’t wait to drive my roommates crazy by putting my new crocs in the dishwasher!

  • Argie

    The person who sent you that very bland email obviously does NOT have a dog! Or, if she/he does, it is probably an outdoor dog! Our dogs are members or our family and as such, are allowed to eat off our plates too whenever a special occasion arises.

    One of the very best dogs every – the dog I got when I finally moved out of a dorm and into an apartment at college, and who I had before I even met my husband – died 3 months ago. Let Chuck eat off a plate any damn time you please! The thing I regret most is not having had the opportunity to get my dog, Argie, her favorite food – french fries from McDonald’s – before we had to put her down (it was an emergency). If I could have, I would have gotten her ten super-size packs and served them up on a silver platter to her.

    Only dog people understand!


  • erica

    Now I want to see a video of Chuck rolling over and over and over ike a furry floppy eared steam roller.


  • keagansmom

    I actually gasped out loud when I read the cancer post. My sister has had your cancer at least THREE TIMES now, she’s fine except for some cool scars. Freak out as much as you want, its CANCER for christs sake! Get better soon! and Happy Birthday! xoxo

  • Susan

    If everyone got half as much pleasure out of life, as Chuck gets out of licking dishes, there would be no need for drugs or alcohol.

    So what if Chuck likes to lick dishes, and his balless ass, eat poop and lick faces. He’s the happiest damn dog I’ve ever seen. You crazy psycho sanitary people, leave him alone and smile.

  • http://flickr.com/photos/rustyeyes/148041927/ SisterPepperSpray

    We have this running joke, whenever the cats or dogs in my life left a plate spotless, we’d say, “We don’t even have the clean it.”

    A few years ago I met a person who believed me. I wish I could say I no longer know that person. She had an even bigger problem with me letting my cat take bites from the muffins. I just don’t understand people. Tsk.

    Chuck gave me hope that my puppy would grow up cool, so I didn’t shoot her to get my leg back, and I want to thank Chuck for that. Chuck rules.


  • http://fairycreations.blogspot.com Arty Steph

    dogmom, my black lab, Mali does the same thing with the foot in the plate/dish. she is also far too intelligent for her own good, and often for my sanity.

    Mali also has one of those food/treat dispensing balls that has to be rolled around a sufficient number of times before treats fall out. Mali quickly discovered that if you just repeatedly bang the stupid thing against the wall, the food comes pouring out! On top of that, it is, quite possibly the most irritating noise on the planet.

  • http://seedmagazine.com Tim Murtaugh

    > The same dog you openly share who has eaten your child’s shit off the floor.

    My only reaction to this? Where is this story, and why in the hell have I not read it?

  • http://soulgardening.typepad.com/ Tammie Booth

    The truth is, I have a pair of Crocs flip flops and when I read about Jon putting his clogs in the dishwasher, I was delighted because I had never thought of that as an option for cleaning mine. Works like a charm.

  • http://divinediva07@hotmail.com DivineDiva

    Screw the naysayers! This person is obviously a freakizoid! I got your back mami!!
    Any form of anything that is not supposed to be there ..is scary and you have the total ability to say whatever you want about it! I commend you for the way you use humor to put light on what is a very scary situation, I ‘ll be damned if someone is gonna tell me not to bitch moan or anything! I just had a breast biopsy because I had a lump that kept growing over the past couple years, thankfully it was benign but still , I am a mother , wife…ect.. I have every stinking right to worry, complain , bitch and if nobody likes it they can all kiss my hoo-ha!

  • Fuzz

    That is EXACTLY what my Lab looks like when he “helps” us clean up after dinner. And, I can’t tell you how many times my husband or I will be receiving kisses from said dog when the other says, “You know he was just totally licking his ass, right?” I’m sorry about your diagnosis last week – we’ll be thinking of you and wishing you a full recovery.

  • http://threedogsandababy.blogspot.com Kim

    That’s what I look like when there’s a bowl of cookie dough or brownie batter nearby….

    Freak out entirely justified and appropriate under the circumstances.

  • Dogmom

    My dog Belle puts her foot in the middle of the cardboard pan, plate, napkin whatever the morsel is stuck to, so it doesn’t force her to bend herself into unnatural positions. But then again Belle is too smart to be a dog. The bane of my life.

  • Trisha

    I can’t wait to have a dog again – they keep the floor clean, as well as the plates. We just have a cat now (my husbands) and he just is too picky to clean the plates off completely or eat what I drop on the floor. I hate cleaning up food that has dropped or wasting food I can’t eat, dogs are very helpful.

  • Jodie

    I love all your Chuck stories. What kind of dog is he?

  • ginabeana

    I don’t even have separate dishes for the dogs (one of whom once ate a used tampon). They get their meals on the same plates as everybody else. Also, they get to lick me on the lips and who knows where those tongues have been?

  • Sue

    Many years ago, when ice cream only came in cardboard boxes and groceries came home in paper bags, we had a lovely dog named Chippie whose duty it was to clean all the remaining ice cream from the empty cardboard container, and also to clean leftover food from our plates and crusty bits from casserole dishes. When he passed on to his reward my mother was, naturally, upset because we all missed him terribly, but a large part of the problem was what to do with the casserole dishes and the ice cream containers? Now we have two cats who prefer their treat of milk to be filtered through a few Froot Loops first, and who clean our plates thoroughly of Caesar salad dressing. Not as catholic a selection, perhaps, as Chuck, but helpful in their own way. After all, pets are just little people with fur and claws.

  • http://brewerburns.blogspot.com Jennifer


    Fuck. I freaked out about your skin cancer and I don’t even know you. Seriously, it made me think, Dooce has skin cancer so maybe I should put some sunscreen on before riding across town all bare armed in the really-hot-sun-beating-down-on-several-portions-of-exposed-skin-afternoon. If you didn’t freak out about your skin cancer I would wonder what was wrong with you (the answer to that is clearly: nothing. You are a very normal person.)

    For the record: I would allow my dog to clean my plate if I didn’t live with my husband. Also, clogs in the dishwasher? I have to be honest here. I would probably do that too.

    Take care of yourself and feel free to hit the “delete” button if you feel the need.

  • M@

    perhaps there’s a way to harness that force in order to mop? Sparkly floors all around! *( I used to toss a toy under the bed in order to get my dog to inadvertantly remove dust bunnies…)

    I know many people expressed sympathy and shared their stories too. Any cancer is the scariest thing in the world to go through and what you are feeling is absolutely valid. Many people (read; A-hole emailers among them) want to feel as though they hold the patent on misery and that no one is allowed to out do them. I often call them “Mom”.

    Stay on the fast track to perfect health and give Ed a whoopin’.

  • http://eyesaverted.blogspot.com/ Wicked H

    Dear Moronic Dooce E-mailer:

    First get a life.

    Second, dishwashers are designed to sterilize their contents when put through the entire wash cycle. I have run clinics that use dishwashers to sterilize speculums. It is a CLIA and JCHAO approved method.

    Third, go Chuck GO!

  • liznboys

    First, my husband and I have always felt that our dogs’ mouths were much cleaner than most people, and we’d rather share our plates with our dogs, than complete strangers. Our sons will share lollipops with the dog, I tell them not to do this, but it isn’t the grossest thing they’ve done, by far.

    Secondly, Chuck hasn’t figured out the trick to stop the plate, yet? Our dog puts her paw on the plate to keep it from scooting. Granted, she is the LAZIEST dog on the face of the earth and will find any means possible to not move.

    Thirdly, (and most important) I hope all goes very well with your cancer…I fear that cancer, after all the time I spent in the sun as a teenager. My goal is to get checked out by a dermatologist, before the year is out. Good luck! (just had to sneak in an exclamation point somewhere)

  • http://www.dooce.com Jennifer in Ohio

    Unbelievable. Talk about kicking someone when they’re down. You find out that a potentially fatal disease has touched you, and people still find a way to spew venom. You are VERY entitled to freak out.

    Love the video! :)

  • http://sandrascanadablog.blogspot.com Sandra

    I’m not a dog person, but I’d dogsit The Excellent Chuck! He’s fabulous.

    And to anyone who said that cancer wasn’t, oh, the worst thing ever: find a short pier and take a long walk.

  • jerseygirl

    This is one of those embaressing things to admit, but the first conversation I ever had with my husband was about the improper use of exclamation points. I feel that people here would understand.

    Oh, and he recently had two similar skin cancer things removed. Heather, I agree, even though they tell you not to worry — it’s scary. Good luck!

  • Carolyn

    We are a plate licking household (2 dogs = taking turns) and I hope Chuck never discovers the concept of traction. Mine have figured out the spots in the house where they can get a better “grip”, and it’s not so much fun for us.

    And I’m just wondering, if cancer, no matter what size, is not worthy of a huge m-f’ing freakout, then what is? My english grandmother always said of these people that “if you’ve been shipwrecked, they’ve been drowned”. And of course, they are a**holes (my words, not hers).

  • http://Broad Broad

    I got my second cat right around Thanksgiving four years ago, and he was about three months old at the time. Well, my cousin had given me this awesome plate of Thanksgiving leftovers, and I had just heated them and set them on the table to go get a can of pop when, looky there, there he was with both front paws in the Tupperware feasting on the mashed potatoes. You know, cats — the ones who stand where they shit and then lick their butts? And guess what? I didn’t die, either.

    It’ll all be Ok. Good thoughts to you.

  • amandarin

    Heather, this post contains what may actually be the greatest sentence ever:

    Jon stubbed his toe on the plate that night as we were getting ready for bed, and when he asked why there was a dinner plate on the floor in our bedroom I said, “YOU try licking hardened melted cheese off a surface without using your hands and see which room you end up in.”

    I laughed so hard when I read it that everyone in my office thought I was having some kind of fit.

  • http://doctortongue.com doctor tongue

    Our old family dog Duke used to lick anything and everything we let him, too, but he used one front paw to hold it still (as still as possible). He could lick off the wrapper from a square of magarine so clean you’d never know it had contained trans fats. He also used to scrape the cast-iron skillet with his teeth if there was cooked-on meaty substances, which turned out to be a bad thing. He ended up grinding down enough of the enamel on his front teeth that they eventually rotted and had to be pulled.

  • http://www.paintingchef.com PaintingChef

    That is FANTASTIC! My dog, Belle, does the same thing when I’m cooking. And if I have to get something out of the oven, she does not move from in front of the oven. Oh no. She just slowly flattens herself onto the floor underneath the door to the oven while its open. They’re such fun, aren’t they? And they work so hard for those leftover dishes.

  • Argie

    Why o why can’t I get this dog-plate-licking thing off my mind today??? I just don’t understand why anyone would care if you didn’t make THEM eat off of the un-cleaned plate!

    Anyway…I had to share another thing we do: Since I was 7, we have always made our dogs Thanksgiving plates. We put every single thing that we eat on their plate, including pumpkin pie with Cool-Whip, except anything with onions on it of course. Guess I have to watch out for grapes now too!!!! Watching their eyes while we’re preparing their food (they remember!) and seeing them eat is one of the best times of the entire holiday season.

    Chuck will help you deal with your cancer (my husband just had a lesion removed from his chest skin and he is 32…just for comfort, he has had an easy time with it thankfully). Chuck deserves anything you want to give him. Ok, enough from me!!!!!!

  • http://kimbanelson.blogspot.com/ dancingnancy

    That video is awesome! My dog is SOOOO jealous!

    Since when is ANY KIND of cancer not serious? It may not be as life threatening as others, but come on! You can freak out whenever you want Heather, I don’t believe you need to ask for permission either.

    And one more thing….which is worse, huh? Your husband putting his clogs in the dishwasher, or my husband putting his sweaty hat in? I know MANY people who commit these crimes all the time, so I deem both disgustingly normal…..

  • http://misstraceynolan.blogspot.com/ misstraceynolan

    Clearly, letting your dog lick your plates is what gave you cancer in the first place.

  • Elaine

    You mean there are people who don’t let their dog lick their plates? We just don’t let Fred the Wonder Corgi have any cheese, because it does things to his digestion which aren’t pretty.

    Cancer is scary and serious (and scary) no matter how small. Don’t listen to morons who say it isn’t.

  • Kath :-)

    For goodness sakes.

    Anyone with half a brain AND a Chuck Calendar knows that July is ‘Chuck Eats Pasta Month’ and eating anything pasta (including lasagna) is to be expected.

    Really, Heather…some people are just so out of it!

    Happy ‘Chuck Eats Pasta Month’ to you and yours :-)

  • http://www.singingshower.blogspot.com Kiki

    We do the same thing at our house. My parent’s dog, Gus, is atune to the scraping of silverware against the plate or bowl and will sit patiently under the dining room table for his little treat. He, too, tends to push plates and bowls down the hall or into furniture. And we, too, put the plates in the dishwasher afterwards. Seriously, do people think you just set them back in the cupboard with a clear film of dog slobber? Come on!

  • ortizzle

    Gosh. Lots of stuff to stir people up here.

    Kate F.: Where’s the joke? Cancer isn’t funny. People without limbs aren’t funny. People who write such things and believe they are enormously satirical are especially not funny. They are pathetic. What’s eating away at you? Maybe an iddy biddy cancer. Lighten up and look at what’s really funny. Such as:

    1. Clogs in the dishwasher
    2. Canine plate-cleaning lick-a-thons.

    Heather: Thank you for making us all laugh. My thoughts are with you.

  • http://howdoyoulikeme.blogspot.com/ jw

    I was really tempted to make a smart-ass remark but I can never top Heather. She is the best. So, I’m going to do something quite uncharacteristic. I’m going to be serious for a moment.

    “Biopsy” is the scariest word in the world. To even THINK you have to have a biopsy is scary.

    There is no such thing as a little cancer. ESPECIALLY when it’s happening to you. You can hold your friends’ hands, and you can sit outside the operating room with family, but when it’s YOU it takes on a whole other meaning.

    Different people deal with it in different ways. Here is one way –> http://radio.weblogs.com/0128341/categories/whatSUpWithJinni/

    You deal with this not-so-small-cancer anyway that suits you Heather. You have people pulling for you, praying for you, holding you in the Light, dancing naked around some idol or something. Just get THROUGH it.

    I don’t use !, I CAPITALIZE.

  • http://debsdistraction.blogspot.com darinhercules

    My 9 year old lab mix Katy will put her paw on any plate/dish/pan that has stuff stuck on it. Those sticky pans (and peanut butter jars) can keep her busy for an hour.

    Dog owners let their dogs lick plates. Isn’t that why they invented dishwashers??

  • http://kellycurtis.blogspot.com/2006/06/sneak-reading.html KellyC

    That’s how my dog “almost” rolls over too.

    Oh, and she licks off our plates when we’re finished too.