• Becksaboo

    She is too cute! I’m glad you have Leta in your life. I suffered with major depression for four years, and so I understand that sometimes you need the little joys badly just to make it through the day. She is precious! Thank you for sharing her with us, and making our days a little brighter too!

  • http://www.noshowmo.com noshowmo

    So kind of you to share Leta with us, so brave to share yourself. You have more support from out here than you could ever know.

  • http://alissaclare.typepad.com/the_exciting_life_of_acs/ Alissa Szarek

    Wishing you strength through this tough time.

    I’m hoping that Andrew Bird brightened your day just a little bit, I was almost jumping for joy when I read your piece and found out you’ve discovered him.

    Honestly, he gets better every time you see him, I’ve seen him three times now (one was just a sound check and even that was amazing!).

    His songs never sound the same, but there is always that twinge of nostalgic recognition to them that makes you feel all warm inside. He is truly a genius.

    I’ve always found that music soothes my soul, hope it brings you some comfort as well.

  • rachelquoi

    hey dooce, been reading your page for a couple of years now but have never commented…Leta’s a beautiful kid and I’m sorry you have to go through all this again. Some people are ridiculously stupid and that will never change, but at least most of your readership is supportive. Best luck, hope this all blows over soon :)

  • TxSuzyQ

    I really wish I had some words of comfort for you. I understand my own depression to some degree, sometimes, but I’m not sure what it’s like for others. Just know you aren’t alone and that we are cheering for you to make it through! Let Leta be your guiding light. That seems to be working for you! She sure is a beauty. Thanks for sharing her with us and for sharing your creative talents with us as well.

  • http://wisdomteeth.blogspot.com dm

    I’ve been visiting your site for a while. always worth reading. I came home from the bar(s) a bit tipsy and the video made me laugh out loud. cheers!

  • http://www.lifeandtimesofchantel.com Chantel

    There are really no words that can pull you out of where you’re at. But this video of your beautiful girl shows that you have light and love and you will get better.

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/72feetaboveseale 72feetabovesealevel

    Count me as one of the people who ejoys what you do and would miss it if you were to stop.

  • http://anamstubbington.typepad.com/ anam Stubbington

    right there with you girl! my little one is the only thing that keeps me from walking away becuase there are days i feel hubby would be better without me etc etc nothing fixes he sore heart and head like a child hug – unconditional love is a fantastic gift.

  • http://www.madisoncody.com Maria P.

    Oh and we all feel like jumping sometimes. That is what makes parenting exciting. :P

  • http://www.stoneafterstone.com anna maria

    How is it that something so simple can be so beautiful and touching? It gave me goosebumps. You chose the perfect music for that perfect moment.

  • http://www.charlotteotter.wordpress.com charlotteotter

    I’ve been reading your blog for months, but this is the first time I’ve commented. That film of your baby running towards you, ponytails bouncing, shouting “Mama” and giggling, brought me to tears. When I have bad moments (often), it takes a cuddle of fat baby arms around my neck, or listening to one of my daughters laugh, or the velvety feel of my son’s bald head, for me to feel better. Good luck with your healing process.

  • http://www.madisoncody.com Maria P.

    Aw man my comment just disappeared! poof!

    Anyway when the video loads sometime next year I’m sure it will be adorable. :)

  • http://www.bobbarama.com/ bobbarama

    Leta is so adorable. She’s the bomb. One of the things I love most about your blog is your obvious love for your family.

    The thing I hate about your blog, though, is that you’re so good at this it makes me want to junk my own blog and cry in the corner. Stop that! Now!

    (smile)

  • Sara Tibbs

    She forgot all about that game when she saw you, and when Jon ran up to her, she thought “Dude – don’t block the path. I see Mommy!” LOL Isn’t that wild!?

    My son turned 7 this year, and when staring down at him while he sleeps, the second thought I have after “How the hell did this happen?!” is “Look at that angel baby!” Yup, even after seven years and telling them to pay attention to you for like, the trillionth time, they are still your babies. I just wanted to tell you that. ;)

    Oh, and also? Don’t mind the asshats. They’ll reap what they sow.

  • Gooly

    True confession: Around my house, you are referred to as “my friend in Utah that I’ve never met.”

    Thanks for your brave honesty and snarky humor and for sharing your wonderful family with us internetters… that video made me weep a little. Not the best birth control, that Leta!

    Hang in there and take good care of yourself… I’m sending antidepressive energies your way.

  • superblondgirl

    I’ve just found your website in the past couple weeks and I have to say I freakin’ love it – your pictures, your ramblings, the lists… all just awesome. And the Andrew Bird thing, wow am I jealous! I’m dying to see him because I heard what a great show he puts on and I love him anyway. I can’t see the Leta video, but I can definitely see all the cuteness of her in the still. Thanks for brightening my day with your blog! (Man, that is SO CHEESY. I’m sorry to bring that much cheese to your blog. Hopefully you’re a Velveeta fan.)

  • bobbarama

    Leta is so adorable. She’s the bomb. One of the things I love most about your blog is your love for your family.

    The thing I hate most about your blog, though, is that you’re so good at this it makes me want to junk my own blog and cry in the corner. Stop that! Now!

    (smile)

  • http://www.afunkdiddy.blogspot.com onegirlmanyideas

    its funny how we can stockpile the praise we receive without much regard, and then one little criticism can shatter it all. every illusion of personal grandeur is decimated and dashed into a billion pieces. if you need to, you can borrow my dustpan. it has plenty of experience with picking those pieces back up.

    hope this finds you feeling fine.

    Polly

  • kat

    So sorry to hear that your depression has returned, and with vigor. I love what you do, funny & cynical, or sad & scared, you’re a great writer.

    Along with thousands of others, your writing is a part of my everyday. And even if you need to stop for awhile, we’ll be here when you’re ready to return.

    Sending you good, supportive vibes…

  • Lori

    There is nothing better than seeing joy on your child’s face! You are a good mother, Heather!

  • katherine poste

    I was talking to my best friend who loves your site as much as I do which is amazing. I knew she was hooked when she emailed me one day asking if I’d seen some adorable picture of Leta. She doesn’t even like kids all that much, but we adore yours – and Chuck. Chuck is the love of our lives next to our own dogs. Anyway, we were discussing over the weekend how terrible we felt for you having both been through some soul sucking depression ourselves. We both feel all somehow protective of you against these hateful people who send you terrible emails and hope you feel better soon. Know that massive healing thoughts are coming at you from Capitol Hill and Sunnyside in Salt Lake City.

  • http://dailypiglet.wordpress.com Piglet

    How very precious. A love between children and parents is so powerful. I never knew I could feel love on that level. It can be quite overwhelming.

    I’m rooting for you Dooce, and I can identify so much with your story. Peace.

  • joolieblue

    Bless you for writing about all this. I’m raising my water glass and Zoloft in a toast to you, remembering when I told my doc years ago that my ‘black holes’ had turned into ‘potholes’. Hoping the same for you, brilliant lady!

  • http://www.biscuitrat.trap17.com biscuitrat

    I’m utterly inspired by your blog; your writing is amazing.

    And as for George, have you never heard of the GOD DAMN 1ST AMENDMENT? If you send her something utterly off base and opinionated, she has every right to put it up. It happens all the time. In debate, it’s called “evidence” She’s proving a point, and by having a blog, she can. There’s no real legal action she can take because she didn’t mention your name so thanks for identifying yourself. A blog is supposed to be freedom of expression online and no one can take that away. If you want to try, I think just about the entire INTARWEBZ is going to wage war on you.

    Besides that, you are a very sad human being for even thinking that someone’s opinion is shit. If I weren’t utterly afraid of your ignorance, I would probably say something a little more vehement than this: If you don’t like it, don’t read it. There’s no need to attempt to pummel someone else’s LIFE because you don’t like it. You have absolutely no right, authority, or freedom to do that and say it was justified because we’re all human – we all have flaws (does it really take a 16 year old to say this?). Dooce just manages to find the sunshine behind each one , and often that sunshine comes with a pair of bouncing happy ponytails.

    Dreadfully sorry about the rant and the stupid people. Keep being spiffy :)

  • http://teacherjen.blogspot.com jenlyn

    i’ve seen through shades of gray before. it sucks a lot. i’m kind of there now. it does get better though.

    and if there’s an album to accompany you through it, it might be The Mysterious Production of Eggs by Andrew Bird.

  • http://www.crankmama.com CrankMama

    Ahh… the toddler waddle. I’d almost forgotten.. Now I’m going to rummage around and find the old vid of my dots.

    I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time….. Depression is horrid. It really helps when you share your struggles… even though it may not be that super great on your end, it’s a great inspiration to others suffering …

    Your life makes a huge difference.
    Rachael

  • http://jenniferslanguishing.blogspot.com/ Jennifer

    I read so many of the comments, suddenly, ten comments later than when I started. But all of what they say is true (except the idiots, of course); you are not alone, though I know when I was at my lowest I wouldn’t believe that from anyone, much less a stranger from the internet.

    Such an immense outpouring of positive vibes: surely the universe is feeling the Dooce love.

    Thank you for all you share, for your honesty and humor and beautiful family.

  • http://www.iprettymuchhateeverything.com Torrie

    (HUG)

    That video was just lovely.

  • echo8322

    hi dooce,

    the video of leta is wonderful; her laugh is so beautiful. my bf and i just watched it twice in a row to listen to her laugh! my bf loves leta’s name. she is truly a precious child. lots of love and hope from us to you and your family through this time.

    long-time readers,
    s & t

  • http://jenandtonic.ca jenB

    Heather, I am so sorry. I am trying to believe, as others have said, it won’t always be like this, so hard.

    Love

  • Gretchie

    Depression is anger turned inward, so maybe turning outwards is a first step towards overcoming depression. I have a friend that did hit someone with his car to feel better. He went through a lot of therapy after that.

    He feels *much* better now.

    Moral of the story: Do what you gotta do, baby!

    Although….. editing and publishing tear-jerking videos of a happy toddler might also help you feel better. And save you a lot of $$ on therapy.

    If they can put flouride in the tap water, why can’t they add Prozac? “Mother had lovely teeth, too bad we never saw them…” Government has it’s priorities all wrong, I tell you.

  • tracy

    What a sweet,giggly girl!! A true blessing!!
    Praying for you! Keep taking it day by day, moment by moment. Many of us have walked in your shoes! You can survive and win! (so many exclamation marks means I really, really mean it!!!!!!!) (((hugs)))

  • SayVandalay

    I have become OCD over the weekend. Or, at least the OC part. Or maybe just the O. I’ve not been able to stop reading your blog. The children are laying in puddles of their own urine and filth, begging for food, and still I stare at this screen, begging for more, MORE!

    Leta = a-freaking-dorable. Is she married yet and/or promised to anyone? I’ve got two eligible toddlers. They both know all of the ABC’s, they sleep through the night, they like to go for leisurely stroller rides, and they love a nice bubble bath. We can write up the marriage contract now, if it suits.

  • Nat W.

    The video won’t load for me. :(

    But I totally want to hit some pedestrians today, too.

  • http://www.elefever.blogspot.com E

    I wrote this a year ago now Heather – I’ve sent it to you a few times but I know you’re busy so here it is again just incase you didn’t get it…

    You’ve inspired me in ways I can’t begin to describe and all I can say is SAY WHAT YOU NEED TO SAY GODAMNIT – we can handle it – we want to hear it – we need to hear it and those that can’t or don’t can RACK OFF! Don’t deprive those of us who live daily for your posts for those who are heart and brain dead. I know you have good friends – one of them is your husband and the thing I’ve discovered about good friends is THEY KEEP COMING BACK…so lets call you letting your Volcano rocks off a Process of Elimination – say it, say it all!

    Here endeth the lecture… m mmm m (that was a big wrap around hug)
    ________________________________________________

    Movement…

    Just when I think I’m being as honest as my conscience and heart will let me, I read Dooce.

    http://www.dooce.com/archives/daily/11_03_2005.html

    http://www.dooce.com/archives/daily/12_05_2005.html

    Little Leta is so gorgeous my heart almost went into seizures just scrolling over the pictures. She is almost the age my daughter was when I left my family.

    I had near fatal suicidal depression and hardly remember anything of my daughters early years. Lights on, no-one home.
    I functioned as the person everyone called me but my brain/emotions were doing time in solitary confinement.

    On The Night, I had the pills and glass of water beside the bed. My husband had left for night shift, the children were asleep.

    I had learnt a lot from the last time and had it all planned…take the pills and go to sleep. He would arrive home in the morning just as the children were waking and…whatever.

    Earlier a friend came around and hard worded me “So? What are you going to do about it?”.
    (IT being depression) then left in disgust when I shrugged “idunno”.

    Luckily I have a spiritual army on the ‘other side’ looking after me and after she left there was a tangible parting of the cotton wool feeling clouds that was my brain and a voice said “Your children need you!”
    I can still hear that voice to this day.

    I went to bed, had an unpilled nights sleep and the next morning told my husband I needed to leave, for everyones sake.
    He wrote in a card “I would rather have an alive best friend than a dead wife” and let me go gracefully.

    When they say “It must have been really hard leaving your children” my answer has always been “It wasn’t hard at all – If it had been hard, I know I would have been doing the wrong thing”.

    Thanks Heather B.
    It took me a long time to realise that I took drugs and drank alcohol to bring on being emotionally moved by somethinganything – to experience passion. And in a 3 minute read of this blog, I was moved in the way only being-under-the-influence could move me in the past.

    It is now 11 years since I ‘left the family’ and being confronted with images of children, and what I chose to forfeit, still takes my breath and chokes my heart, but I have no regrets. Leaving was the most courageous and right thing I have ever done and gave me the saying that I live by ‘When you do what’s right for you, you do what’s right for everyone around you’.

    My children have been able to watch me grow up and maybe that’s why, even though they’re teenagers now, we’re all still so in love with each other…

  • http://www.hellojosephine.blogspot.com Marla Good

    Once upon a time, when you were feeling low, someone commented “blogging makes you care about people you don’t even know”. I’ve never forgotten that, and now I say it often myself. So now, I care about you and your family, because your gift for capturing them in writing and in images compels me to.

    You were my first blog, found when another mommy in a “When Baby Comes Home” class caught a whiff of my personality peeking through the fatigue, and told me I should be reading your posts. That was two years and five months ago – and I’ve never stopped reading you, which led me to others, which led me to write a little too.

    I can’t say much more now than anyone else has before me, but I should thank you. It does seem strange to tell someone that you have done more for me than I can ever do for you, and you haven’t known it. And, I want to say that I hope, most sincerely, that all the rough roads will be soon be behind you.

    As for your beautiful daughter running toward you? It’s the way her eyes go for yours, isn’t it? I have to go and blubber a bit now.

  • PinkPoppies

    Hey Heather,

    Having had several friends who have suffered from severe depression, it is inspiring to see you write so candidly about your experience.

    It is a sign of strength to ask for help, not weakness. Knowing what you need and how to get it make such a difference in dealing with this dis/ease of the mind and heart.

    I have had several who made the choice not see another day, and for them it was the absence of any tether to earth including family (both of origin and self created).

    I see Leta and Jon as your anchor, keeping you safe as you cope, and I hope you see them that way too. Having an anchor isn’t something that weighs you down; it keeps you centred, in a safe haven, while the storm rages outside of you.

    Be strong. Be loved. Be yourself.

    Pink

  • anneelizmary

    Heather:

    (commenting here now; see mine previously to you at Blurbomat). The large number, but small percentage, of your readers, devotees, fans, and friends who have commented here today represent so many more who wish you well.

    Thank you for the video–a gift to us all. Love the giggle the most–especially how it climbs the scale upward like an arpeggio.

  • PinkPoppies

    Hey Heather,

    Having had several friends who have suffered from severe depression, it is inspiring to see you write so candidly about your experience.

    It is a sign of strength to ask for help, not weakness. Knowing what you need and how to get it make such a difference in dealing with this dis/ease of the mind and heart.

    I have had several who made the choice not see another day, and for them it was the absence of any tether to earth including family (both of origin and self created).

    I see Leta and Jon as your anchor, keeping you safe as you cope, and I hope you see them that way too. Having an anchor isn’t something that weighs you down; it keeps you centred, in a safe haven, while the storm rages outside of you.

    Be strong. Be loved. Be yourself.

    Pink

  • http://www.leality.wordpress.com leahbee

    The other day I had a moment where I stopped to think about whether I should reveal the fact that I’ve been down lately on my blog. Would it ruin the tone? Do readers really need to know? Should I protect my own privacy? Will it make me look stupid and whiny? And, perhaps most importantly… could I blog about anything else and make it seem honest, like I wasn’t trying to hide something?

    Then I remembered reading about your tough times on your blog, and it gave me the courage to be truthful on mine. Thank you.

  • emnw

    dude…
    the only thing that keeps me going is seeing my toddler run. her tiny little body and her big head bobbing along. Its all good.
    count those blessings

  • http://hulahulagirl.buzznet.com hulahulagirl

    I’m not even that big of a fan of Kids in general, but I almost cried that was so cute. So cute. Just loop that and watch forever. The giggle, too.

    And speaking as One of The Depressed, hang in there. It’s better than the alternative, even if some days it doesn’t feel like it. Also, jumping off the roof of the house would probably just fuck your knees up and cost you a lot of money.

  • http://hulahulagirl.buzznet.com hulahulagirl

    I’m not going to write all that again in the hopes that it was rec’d the first time.

  • http://www.doublexposure.ca marie leconte

    Sunshine on legs…

  • LAK

    I too have suffered from depression. I don’t think you can know how terrifing it is unless you have had it yourself. Here is something I read once: One’s spirit will sustain one’s infirmity, but a wounded spirit, who can bear?
    That says it all for me. But here is something else. You will get better. I did.

  • http://miniaturerose.blogspot.com Rose

    I just want to say, I *heart* you guys. I enjoy each vignette of life at the house of Dooce and Blurb. I look forward to each photograph, and feel inspired to do more with my camera and look at all the mundane aspects of my life with a more artistic eye.

    I am sorry to read that you are going through a rough spot, Heather. Is there anything your readers can do for you.

  • http://www.milkring.com Jenn

    Sweet mother, that is the cutest video ever. :)

  • http://Anopoli.livejournal.com Anopoli

    you are not alone, Heather. You have a wonderful family to help you through, you are in my thoughts.
    Leta is the coolest kid ever!

  • Mich

    Heather

    I just wanted to say that I read your blog almost every day and I so enjoy it!! It’s made me laugh, and cry sometimes.

    Depression is a hard thing – do what you can do get through it, Leta is just beautiful – I also have a three year old daughter and alot of what you write echos in my own head.

    Just wanted to let you know that you do make a difference.

    Best Wishes

    Mich