• SurprisingWoman

    How lovely. My daughter sent me a video on her phone of my grandbaby, being held by her daddy after her bath, laughing so hard she gets a hitch in her voice.

    There is nothing better than the laughter of a child.

    Feel better soon, Heather. We are all pulling for you.

    Brenda K.

  • http://deepthoughtsfuzzymemories.blogspot.com/ tksinclair

    I’m laughing because right after I wrote the above post and watched the video that melted my heart….I happened to look at the pre-orange juice photo. There is just something hysterically funny about seeing those two things one right after the other. Or I should say, “feeling” those two things one right after the other.

  • cate

    Then again….who needs us when you have BOUNCING PONYTAILS!?

  • http://jaycee.typepad.com/semantics/ Jaycee

    Kids are a paradox aren’t they? As you say, they keep you going on one hand, and on the other you sometimes want to tear your hair out with frustration.

    I can’t watch the vid as I’m still on dialup and it would take forever but I’m sure it’s fabulous.

    Hope you fight your way out the fog!

  • cate

    I must have clicked this bookmark six hundred times a day since the post saying that you felt yourself being gripped by depression again.

    I’m sure I was not alone. Hold onto the power of so many many people wanting you to kick this shit in the teeth.

    “I know everything is going to be okay.”

    So do all of us. hang in hang on and hug that baby girl.

    (BTW, if they are ona bike? 30 points)

  • http://deepthoughtsfuzzymemories.blogspot.com/ tksinclair

    The waddle is priceless but that laugh, whew, that made my eyes tear up. Every parent on the face of the planet has experienced a similar moment and you’ve captured it on film. And yes, when you witness that kind of innocence, absolute perfection and pure love, it’s hard to think there is anything wrong in the world. Weird isn’t it? The heart of a two year old could solve the worlds problems.

  • http://kimbanelson.blogspot.com/ dancingnancy

    Thanks for the video Heather! She’s so cute. :)

    What is going on in that person’s life that makes them so upset about whether you call them nuts or seeds?! Honestly! Someone pissed in his Cheerio’s, or maybe he’s just all hyped up on caffeine. I can’t think of another explanation.

    Good luck with everything, and feel free to unload all your thoughts. :)

  • sam

    Heather,

    I stumbled upon your site very much by accident in July and have been hooked ever since and this is the first time I have commented. I can’t wait to see what you have written and I always look forward to your photos.

    There will always be people out there who will not agree with what you say, write, feel, take photos of, whatever. My theory is that they have small, pathetic, little lives who thrive on attempting to make you miserable. I say screw them. I and so many others enjoy coming back each and every day to peek into your life.

    Please know that there is nothing in life so big that it can’t be solved. The dark days will become bright again.

  • http://kelliamanda.blogspot.com kelliamanda

    Yep. You will hang in there and beat the shit out of this disease because of her. I’m glad you have her, and I’m glad you have Jon. I know that it’s hard to remember that the hopelessness doesn’t last forever, because I’m there now too, but I know and you know that things can get bright again. Well, I know that it can get better for you, anyway. In the meantime, live for the small stuff, like stories about scary Mormon temple rituals. My cousin was just married for time and all eternity in the temple, and my grandmother was “sealed” to my dead (Baptist!) grandfather, with a male cousin standing in for him. Yikes!

  • http://misspriss.org becky

    just seeing her run (waddle) after all you all went through is awesome. and her laugh? i wish you could bottle it because it put a smile on my face.

    did someone already ask what music that was on the video? i liked it.

    still wishing you better things through all of this. depression is an ugly monster. i’d like to kick it in its sunflower nuts.

  • http://pioneerwoman.blogspot.com Pioneer Woman

    She be cute.

    And who’s that unruly seed/nut/germination emailer? I want him/her to come over to my house and make me laugh some more.

  • Trinity

    That is so beautiful. It is similar moments like that, that keep ME going.

    Keep looking at your inspirations, at your child & husband, and you will come out in the sunshine in the end.

  • http://www.hydrangeasarepretty.blogspot.com Shelli

    Damn! I wish my “little old mac” wasn’t so gosh dang slow – I heard everything, and then saw it in a stilted, almost “dial up” kind of way…

    But the sounds MELTED ME.

    I so get this mother hood thing – it’s pretty amazing.

  • mg

    Thanks for showing me (us, really) a whole new way to look at the world. I will keep you close in my thoughts. My lil pookie-sister and I have secretly adopted y’all into our family, and we gossip about how much we like you on the phone.

    Lil’ pookie gave me the best compliment last week. She looked a a photo I had taken and told me it was very Dooce-like. I beamed.

    We’re behind you, Heather.

  • http://www.electricboogaloo.net/wordpress electricboogaloo

    Heather your photo for today – wednesday, the tree – is stunning. And I’m a picky pain in the photography ass. I see something full of hope and fear and beauty reaching up through the empty air to reach the blue sky. I’m an art jerk, right? But really. Gorgeous work.

    Thinking of you.

  • deeryluv

    I found Dooce just months before Leta was born and everytime you post your monthly letter to her I’m amazed — that I’ve been reading for so long, that she remains so beautiful, and that I’ve been trying as long as she is old to get pregnant and haven’t been able to yet. (choke) Your site breaks my heart open. (whisper: I want that too.) You are SO blessed. Thanks for sharing.

  • Lori

    Every day I get and go to work to study depression. Every thought on the millions who suffer. I wonder out loud in my office sometimes, “Hey, who wears their ribbon?” Why can’t the world just get it? If breasts and ovaries and prostates can break, so can brains.

    There are many of us researching. Many. We pray for you. We worry for you. We wish your families and friends strength. We wish you endurance while we work. We hope. Every moment, without ceasing, we hope.

    And thank your for sharing your story and your life with us Heather. My first year of motherhood would have been so isolating had you not shared your truth with me. Kindest Wishes and Prayers, Lorgey

  • samantha

    I, too, think of you as a dear friend whom I’ve never met..

    Take it from me as a formerly housebound agoraphobic.. the days get better. There will be bad days, but with that precious laugh and your family’s love, and the whole host of people like me who feel for you, think of you, and yes, even cry for you, Heather..

    You can do this. We believe in you.

    I’ve read you for years.. I remember catching a link from someone, I can’t remember who.. “Heather had her baby!” So exciting.

    Thank you for sharing with us.. you’ve captured our hearts, we’d like to help you heal yours.

  • Susan Miller

    I really don’t know what to write but felt that I must. Your pain is evident and I do hope the writing assists you in releasing at least some of it. All the cliches go through my mind of what I could say…what I could suggest, but it would be empty because I’m not there. Only you are. The deal has to be that we all must be our own greatest heroes and our staunchest allies for if not then we are surely our own worst enemies. My heart goes out to you and your suffering…may you soon know so much more than you can see now.

  • catnip

    Heather, I’m just dropping by quickly and don’t have to time to read the preceding posts, so if anyone hasn’t suggested this, please check with your doctor to see if you need a higher dose of your antidepressant or need to switch to a different one. Or just try a higher dose on your own. As a “user” myself I’ve found that that both solutions have been required over the years. You do sound depressed, seriously so, even on the antidepressants, so it doesn’t sound like they’re doing their job. I sincerely hope the source of your stress, whatever it is, will be shortlived.

  • becaru

    October is a tough month for depression from my experience…something about the days shortening triggers it, I suspect.
    I hope that you can conjure up that feeling of coming out on the bright side as you did years back.
    Best to you.

  • creak

    Hi Dooce,

    My depression has returned. Knowing I’m not the only one going through this right now helps. Please keep writing.

  • lisa

    You should not regret for an instant admitting that watching this video will make you feel better. Watch it a thousand times if you need to. A million. Until the play button wears out. Leta is the light of your life and it looks like you need a little light right now. Not long ago, having just been left by my (ex)husband, feeling depressed and terrified, my heart decided it was literally broken and began behaving in an alarming fashion. A cardiologist stuck a monitor on it for a few days. When we looked at the read-out, we saw that the moment I picked Jackson up from school my heart began to beat normally again, and stayed that way until I dropped him off at his dad’s house or when he went to bed. When you’re feeling like this you can’t always be the mother you want to be, but the love you obviously have for your beautiful child is a powerful and wonderful thing. It infuses every post you write, every picture, every video.

  • http://www.thisisnotachair.net/blog Chair

    I can’t help thinking that a child with a great laugh like that has a good life. And that the world is a better place with Dooce in it. Thank you for sharing.

  • mkdaugherty

    Oh, and that hugs video on You Tube posted by Hamle Elme above? Gave me goosebumps and made me cry as well. In the best way possible. Thanks!

  • hiko331
  • amymarie

    I’ve read your site since I had my own baby 1 year ago. I’ve never commented (and went through the whole typepad sign in just to say this), but I can’t get enough of that video. You are a gifted artist and I’m so thankful you choose to share your world with us.

  • Sun_Spot_Baby

    Jeeze – for not liking your blog all that much, that lunkhead “George!” sure keeps up with reading it every day!! HA HA!!

    Hang in there, Heather. The colors will come back into your life again. I remember when I had depression, I did not find comedy movies funny (i.e. “Sister Act”) but when my colors came back, I rented the video and watched it again, and it was hilarious! So, too, will this come to pass for you.

  • Dianne Vogler

    Hey Heather-

    From one stranger to another . . .

    The thing about motherhood that I will never understand is that the very thing you live for is the thing that most makes you want to poke your eyes out every day.

    I send good vibes your way – thanks for sharing your honest thoughts!

  • http://www.snickrsnack.com Snickrsnack Katie

    Just noticed that I actually did post yesterday – it just didn’t show up right away! Sorry for the multiple entries!

    Once again, I hope you feel better soon!!!

  • mkdaugherty

    When I start sinking, I don’t want to hear how loved I am, how important it is for me to hang on or, especially, how I’m looked to for inspiration, strength, etc. Then I feel like I have to keep others afloat, along with myself, and who wants that kind of pressure? But here I am, dishing some love your way: Count me among your many supporters who appreciate what you do on a daily basis. I wanted to personally thank you for sharing your struggle as a mother who continues to suffer from depression past the “accepted” post-partum stage some dolt annoyingly dubbed “the blues” – like it’s a basket of puppies or something. Rock on, Heather.

  • http://misstraceynolan.blogspot.com/ misstraceynolan

    Earlier this year one of my best girlfriends who now lives in another city sent me the link to your blog. “You’ll love her”, she said “she reminds me of us”. And you do. You’re irreverant and fun and I love that. I also love how openly you speak about your love of your family. I check in with Dooce everyday and hope you’re able to see the light at the end of the tunnel soon.

  • http://www.snickrsnack.com Snickrsnack Katie

    I tried posting yesterday but it wouldn’t let me for some reason. Here’s to hoping you feel better, and to hoping that people will cease and desist with their ridiculous behavior. I don’t know why people think they can be so nasty, but I guess it is human nature for some. It certainly doesn’t make it suck any less.

    Best wishes.

  • Tim in Flyover Country

    Heather,
    I’m sorry there are jerks in the world that don’t get your blog. Your blog is a breath of fresh air. Even though I don’t always agree with you and Jon, I always make time in my day to read your blogs. You guys rock!!Thanks for sharing your life with the “dumb internet.”

    Tim

  • http://imptemotion.livejournal.com/ Hamle Elme

    Ahhh, I keep finding excuses to comment. Just thought of something that might help you feel a little better. It’s the best video I’ve ever seen, and I laughed and cried my eyes out through almost the entire thing.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vr3x_RRJdd4

    Okiee, I promise. I’m done commenting for now. :o )

  • http://imptemotion.livejournal.com/ Hamle Elme

    Oh, and, now I feel like an ass because I just read through some of the comments and it seems like everyone EXCEPT me has picked up on the fact that you’re feeling depressed. I really have no excuse for this. I did read the post and the ones before, but it just didn’t click in my brain.

    Soooo… having said that, I hope that you’re able to get things worked out so you can start feeling better soon. Remember that you’ve got a husband and daughter that love you very much in spite of how you feel, AND you have loads of other people out there- family, friends, and strangers who wish they were your friends- that care about you and are hoping for your well-being. Take care, Heather!

  • http://shiz.ca/ Shiz Shiz

    Heather,

    So sad for your recent experiences with the Same Old Fucking Thing (SOFTâ„¢). One of my great fears is that my loved ones will get TIIIIIRED of me ALWAYS going through the shit and never getting better, or not getting better for very long. I keep mental track of who I’ve told what and play a sort of “Can XYZ handle any more of this right now, or should I move on to someone else?” game, although thankfully there are a few people about whom I never have to ask myself that.

    Anyhoo, it is my opinion that you can come here with the Same Old Fucking Thing any old time that you want to. It is all right by me, and by the looks of it it’s all right by a few others, too.

    Kick at the darkness, Heather. I’m cheering via the web.

  • M@

    I regularly put nuts in my mouth and for that, I’ve been assured that I’m going to hell.

  • lisamaesc

    All I can say is that I’m praying for you and your family. I’ve struggled with depression for a few years now and, unless you’ve been there, you don’t understand. You seem to me (in reading your blog) to be a rather normal person. We all have chaotic lives and do things differently. THANK GOD!!!!! God made us all different. That was a very smart thing, don’t you think?

  • http://www.fivebyfivephotgraphy.com Scott Murdoch

    Whatever the stress that has brought back the depression, do write about it. Get it down, get it out. Be honest in your feelings about it, be acerbic and as you always are. And then post it, or don’t post it. That doesn’t matter. But write.

    Remember that you are loved directly by your family and indirectly by all of us who can relate, who know the hopelessness. Hang on, hang on, hang on.

  • http://imptemotion.livejournal.com/ Hamle Elme

    Noooooooo!!! I can’t view the Leta video! Quicktime doesn’t like me. :o (

  • RebeccaB

    There is nothing cuter than a girl in pigtails :)

  • http://misshass.typepad.com Miss Hass

    Funny how someone else’s adorable pigtailed little girl can totally make my gray, stressful, depressing day. Thanks.

  • Kristine

    1. Your daughter brings me joy. I miss that age so much.
    2. Dad Gone Mad is also having a relapse of the crazies (I got em’ too, but meds have me mostly in control). I found it ironic that 2 incredibly wonderful people, who are incredibly funny, could be simulateously relapsing. Perhaps its the season.
    3. I was driving down the main street of our town on Saturday, when my boyfriend says, “Look, up ahead, thats like a million points.” There were like 20 bicyclists coming my direction.

    I’ve got your back H. I have swords and stuff.

  • MeAhna

    FYI-Did you know that you have a group dedicated to you on myspace?

  • http://www.beautifulcandy.blogspot.com Kissyface

    I don’t know what this thing is that’s been pressing in on you all year. I do know that it has been an exceedingly trying period for many people. This recent summer ranks as one of the most exacting eras in my life. I’m through that now, for now (let’s not tempt the Fates).

    But for you, Sweet, Lovely, and Comical Lady, let me offer a word of unsolicited advice. I struggled with anxiety and depression from at least the age of ten until my late twenties, when I was finally properly diagnosed and convinced to become a resident of the planet Zoloft. This sojourn lasted a mere two years, after which time I weaned myself from the Rx. I cannot overstate the profound effects of this SSRI on my life. I think it was, in part, so effective because I abstained from other counter productive substances, such as alchohol.

    After that, I moved into intensive Bikram Yoga (the hot, sweat buckets kind. It removes toxins from your body, and is so rigorous, you are too exhausted to be anxious.). Now I do Anusara, and more recently, when my anxiety resurfaced heavily while working on a bullshit reality TV show (nothing like Production to wreck your psychic health), I went for accupuncture treatment and those fabulously yucky Chinese Herbs.

    In four $25 visits (if you go to a student clinic at a acc. school), they had me sleeping through the night without the shotgun blast 2am panic attack I was nightly experiencing. Back treatments had me walking out of the clinic so mellow I thought someone slipped me some heroin through one of the needles (not that I know what that really feels like).

    The point is, these things do work. I’m not telling you to go off the Meds, you know best what you need at any given time. I’m just trying to say, there are people out here in the E World who care for you and are grateful for the humor and love you bring to our lives.

    Finally, let me say, and I know this is dipshit hippy cornball schmaltz, but it happens to be true – live your life in love. Take the leap of faith and trust that the universe will provide. Sweep out the cobwebs of fear and mistrust, and not hurricane or IRS man or terrorist will raze your home. It will all just magically pass you by, even if it’s only because you know everything will still be ok. I know this to be true, the more I am able to live it. I lost nearly every person I loved when I was still quite young, and this still happens to be the case. It is not easy, and most days we all forget to practice it, but like the rolling stone, the more you try, the momentum is created, and eventually you will prevail.

    Be well, and keep writing. You are loved.

  • mommiemel

    ((Heather))

    I’ve soooo been there. I know what’s it’s like when dying seems like a much better idea than to continue living. It’s a sucky place to be.

    A link that helped me once was http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/. And mostly, just the big red quote on that page. It’s the one piece of information that has always stuck with me for some reason.

    I wish you the best of luck as you walk the path this time. I hope it’s shorter and less rocky for you now.

    ~Mel

  • rockr girl

    heather = brave
    me = grateful

    and when that volcano erupts and spews forth is venom, we will all be here to listen. some of us will understand & empathize, and most of us will love you through it. and the meanies can just piss off.

  • dingdongditch

    I remember my first colossal meltdown occurring at age 15. FOLLOWING my month-long hospitalization for depression, mind you. A mere week after being sprung from the juvie wing, I accompanied my mother on a late night grocery jaunt and stole two tubes of lipstick. I was caught by security. She was baffled. I was baffled. We were all charmingly baffled. And then I proceeded to cry for roughly 20 days straight. Without stopping.

    I’ve had repeat episodes, though none so extravagantly angsty. And every single time I awake in a bad mood, wave after wave of heart palpitations course over me because, more than death, I fear living miserably. And even more than the fear of living miserably is that this time, I won’t come back.

    It totally doesn’t help to hear this, I’m sure. But I understand. It’s the rawest of fears, so much so that I have pushed aside things that most others would be afraid of because those things seem trifling and irrelevant.

    Remember to breathe. It’s an underrated accomplishment.

  • nrkii

    I’ve just recently found this blog, and have spent a good deal of time reading through the archives — it’s that good!

    Your writing is wonderful.

    Keep passing open windows.