My cousin GEORGE! has decided (finally) that he is going to come live with us for the summer. Our new house has an extra giant room that we’re going to use as a guest room, and there he will set up his leopard-print velvet wall coverings that he has been known to use to muffle the sound within, if you know what I’m saying. And I think you have every idea what I’m saying, but I can’t say it here because his mom occasionally reads this website (Hi, Mabel!) and she does not need to know that her youngest son often swings naked from a trapeze suspended from the ceiling.

GEORGE! was trying to figure out whether or not he wanted to go back home to Texas for the summer where he would live with his parents, and when he voiced this possibility to me I sort of told him that he could do that, could go back home and let his mama do his laundry for him, but that if he did he might as well go put on a diaper, IT WOULD BE NO DIFFERENT. Because I am gentle and subtle like that.

And so began the turmoil. Should he go home and live with his parents where he would have to hide his rated R movies because otherwise his mom would sneak in and remove them from his room? Or should he stay here with us, where yes, he would have to wash his own underwear, but where he is free to roam at will and watch porn IN THE OPEN. To you and me, the choice is pretty obvious, right? Although having to choose between living in Texas or Utah? I will admit, it’s not much better than having to choose between herpes or chlamydia. One itches a bit less than the other?

GEORGE! and I were talking on the phone the other night about our plans for the next few months, plans that include lots and lots of butter, and he mentioned that he would be bringing his XBOX 360 and all 7,000 games in his collection, which, oooh, I don’t know, sounds about as exciting as scratching an open wound. I’m not a huge fan of video games, probably because I am no good at them, and I get easily frustrated that I cannot immediately be the valedictorian of Wrestlemania. He promised me that I would become addicted within days, and then proudly let me know that he could teach me better than anyone else because, get this. Are you ready? GEORGE! was The Blockbuster Video Game Champion in 5th Grade. Of the whole world.

That is just about the coolest thing you could ever put on your resume. And the sentence after it would read, “Haven’t yet been laid, but very much looking forward to it.”