Outsourced Caring™
Monday, November 26 2007
File Under:
Daily
link to this entry
504 comments
(UPDATE: I opened up comments because I seem to have struck a nerve.)
I thought that instead of regaling you with stories about our very low-key Thanksgiving holiday -- lots of butter, high fructose corn syrup, and the occasional bucket of Crisco -- I would treat you to a cute little tale about inconvenience, aggression, and me losing my shit all over a complete stranger, albeit one who totally deserved it. Think of it as my way of spreading a little holiday cheer, like a roll of used toilet paper tossed high above a Christmas tree.
Last Wednesday night I had to make a late-evening run to the grocery store to pick up some ingredients we needed to make the creamed onion dish we'd been assigned to bring to Grandma's house for Thanksgiving dinner. Because I was also out of my very special organic cereal, the one with the whole grains and blueberry clusters, the one that has enough dietary fiber to kill a horse, I decided to go to the grocery store that is further from our house than our normal grocery store as it is the only one of the two that carries this cereal. I know that the extra gasoline I spent driving that longer distance totally cancels out any good I am doing by buying organic, but that isn't what keeps me awake at night. This is:
So here is where I switch to present tense because I keep reliving the horror over and over again, as if what happened that night is happening again right now. And I am normally the person in this family who just gets over these types of things, the one who is incapable of holding a grudge, whereas Jon is still mad at a mosquito that bit him on a camping trip in second grade.
So there I am chasing Leta through the grocery store, burning thousands of brain calories as I try to locate ingredients while simultaneously keeping track of a three-year-old who will not stand still. And no, do not send me email asking why I don't just put her in a shopping cart already, because we've tried that, and the result was like pouring sand into a spaghetti strainer. A loud, screaming spaghetti strainer. With claws.
Thirty minutes and a basket full of bulky boxes later we head to checkout, and by this time I've got sweat dripping down the back of my neck, and all I want to do is set down this heavy basket and catch my breath for a second. Part of the reason I don't normally shop at this grocery store is because of its enormity, because there are far too many places for Leta to hide, far too many miles in between those two things that I need, and by the time I'm done shopping I've got shin splints.
Another reason I don't like shopping here is the fact that they force customers to use the self-checkout machines. Poorly designed, unusable self-checkout machines that routinely eat fingers. And when Leta and I walk to the front of the store we find that they have only one regular checkout open in an attempt to force almost everyone into two 12-person lines for the self-checkout machines. This is what Jon refers to as Outsourced Caring™, when a company cannot be bothered anymore with basic service and hires someone else to do the caring for them. It's why you're always getting transferred to someone else when you call customer service, because the person who answered the phone doesn't get paid to care.
In this instance they are so fed up with caring that they've hired ROBOTS.
Now, I understand why self-checkout machines are a good idea. Ideally they're supposed to save the store money because you're doing the work someone else would have to be paid to do, and eventually this might trickle down and affect the price of those pickles you just bought. But this is PLANET EARTH where no such thing as IDEAL actually exists, and these particular self-checkout machines are so fundamentally broken that it takes the average person no less than 15 minutes to pay for an apple.
So it's finally my turn to walk up to a machine with my bulky basket and jittery child, and I start to panic a little bit because I haven't ever had to operate this towering piece of crap while also trying to manage a toddler. With limbs. And a brain independent of mine that operates those limbs. And at first, everything goes okay, I scan a box of cereal and it reads aloud a price. But then Leta touches that box of cereal with her finger and all of a sudden the machine starts to have a seizure.
"PLEASE PUT THE ITEM BACK IN THE BAG!" it shouts at me AS IF IT IS LOOKING DIRECTLY INTO MY SOUL.
But the cereal is still sitting in the bag, I have not taken it out, so this machine has clearly lost its mind.
Not knowing exactly what to do, I remove the cereal and then put it back again, just to make the machine happy. But apparently the machine was mistaken. That is not what it wanted at all. It wanted me to re-scan the item, or excuse me, RE-SCAN THE ITEM! RE-SCAN THE ITEM! as clearly its voice has been programmed by someone who forgot to turn off caps-lock.
I gladly re-scan my box of organic cereal only to be told to PLEASE WAIT FOR ASSISTANCE! and then I hear a loud voice over my right shoulder scream, "TELL YOUR KID TO STOP TOUCHING THE MACHINE!" And the word KID is pronounced like it is some sort of vaginal discharge.
I look down to see that Leta has rested her hand on what looks like a railing but what is apparently not a railing at all. It is a test! A test to see if she will be tempted by its resemblance to the railing along the stairs at home and reach out to touch it. And because it is illegal to shock anyone under the age of eight, the machine instead punishes me. And forces me to rescan all of my groceries.
This goes on for twenty minutes: the machine yelling at me, me trying to please the machine, the machine giving up and having the human yell at me about my kid. Around and around we go because every time Leta even so much as looks at the machine it tells the human that we're cheating. Until finally I go to scan my debit card AND IT CANNOT READ IT. That's when the human is forced to care and walks over to manually finish the checkout for me, and it is obvious she is not happy about having to care, it was not a part of her training.
Oddly, I've never been trained to tell someone that their machine needs a right good fucking, but I manage to do it as if everything in my life has been leading up to this exact moment.
1. CarrieICL said:
Sooner or later, those self-serve checkouts will just scan our brains directly. That'll be much more convenient.
2. Strizz said:
That guys teeth bother me
3. jess said:
i let my kids scan the groceries at stores that have these. they have to behave in the store to earn the privilege and they enjoy it. would leta be down with that?
4. Nickie M said:
Well clearly you and your adorable daughter needed putting in your places :P The thing that gets me about those self-checkouts is that they clearly don't trust you to scan everything yourself, hence all the weighing things, but yet the store makes you try it anyway. It sounds like something I'd do to my fiancé...
5. JennB said:
I certainly hope that the rest of your holiday didn't involve any other stranger screaming at you. What a pain in the ass.
I love Outsourced Caring (tm). Genius.
6. Anonymous said:
OMG, that happens in Minnesota too, to all us nicey-nice Scandihoovians.
Those machines are surely the work of the devil.
7. Jameykay said:
THANK YOU.
8. Mo said:
The self-checkout machines never fail to piss me off every single time I use them. I feel your pain.
9. Anonymous said:
Love it!
You are lucky that Leta wasn't climbing the candy rack that is strategically placed right next to the self checkout lane! Mine would have been.
Technology is so fun!
10. b*babbler said:
Perhaps we should all band together, kidnap the CEO's of said evil conglomerates and chain them for hours on end to their useless machines, where they will be forced to process cart after cart of groceries (most, of course, should be unlabeled produce) while dealing with our crazy toddlers (who should, of course, be hopped up on a bowl of pure refined sugar in preparation.)
And just for good measure, they should, of course, be chained slightly out of reach of the chocolate bars, left tantalizingly close to little toddler hands.
Do you think, then, we might get some real, live cashiers again? (Even if they do gab endlessly about ohmygawdJessica'slittlebrothersnewcar with their fellow cashiers whilst burying our bread under the 15 cans of soup.)
11. barbie2be said:
i hate those freakin' self check out machines. if i get to the front of the store and the only have those and a long line for the ONE actual person manned check out, i will leave my cart in the line and just leave. i will go out of my way to go to some other store that has humans doing the check out and force THEM to care.
12. Polly said:
i love how you got all english sounding - it adds weight i think.
13. Sabrina said:
This is reminiscent of every experience I've ever had with the self check out. Even without having to manage a child, my brain often oozes out of my ears, I break into a cold sweat, and go completely fucking postal every time I have to deal with it. And the lazy "attendant" is the same in every store in every part of the country; acts as if you have ruined his/her entire life by requiring assistance with a machine that is incapable of functioning the way it was designed.
Sometimes it is necessary to put people in their place, and in this situation it sounds like it was absolutely warranted. Good for you.
14. Squealbox said:
It must be WAL-MART! I hate that freakin' store!! Nothing but frustration...the stupid self check out machines NEVER work properly. They have 23 check out lanes but only 2 are staffed with humans, the poor customers are forced to use the always lousy, stress inducing self check out machines. I feel your pain Heather. I have stopped giving Wal-Mart my money because they don't deserve it.
15. Vee said:
You've hit upon one of my biggest pet peeves. Not only are self-checkouts an abomination, but grocery stores continue to build 12 checkout aisles even though they never open more than 3 at a time. And you can't fit yourself and a shopping cart into the checkout aisles. They want to give the illusion of many checkout aisles, but in reality I have to make a decision upfront: do I want to go in before or after my cart...and if you go in first but have left something near the back--oh well, you'll never get it. If they're going to use self checkout and close all their aisles they need to remove about 6 of them and make the aisles wide enough that you can walk beside your cart. A pointless rant, but one I think of every time I go to the store. I usually refuse to self-checkout...I use the time waiting in the one long line for a real person to read all the gossip magazines. It's sort of fun. Unless I'm buying ice cream.
16. Dawn said:
You are one brave woman! BRAVE. I am freakishly afraid of those self-satanic checkout lanes. Brave I tell ya!!
17. Sarah said:
I despise those damned self checkers so much that I will stand in an extra long line with ALL MY KIDS with me. I will stand in the 18 minutes long wait line with a 8,7,4,and 2 year old before I use one of those cursed self checkers. I HATE THEM. They are the bane of my existence. If I wouldn't get arrested I would attack on with a baseball bat. I even tried to use one once but my 8 year old accidently touched it and then they think I have bought 85 pounds of oranges. Seriously. I HATE them and avoid them at all cost.
18. Sandra said:
Gah. I have *never* used a self-checkout. Because I'm pretty sure they've all got hidden cameras to capture the hilarity (for others, not the user) that must ensue from trying to scan all 6 sides of a box of cereal 18,000 times.
19. Joy said:
I must have a t-shirt emblazoned with:
"Outsourced Caring"!
20. Chris Alexander said:
I've dealt with those machines at Home Depot. They are like the Soup Nazi on Seinfeld! To operate them you have to put yourself in the mindset of a robot. That seems to work for me. Never tried it with a toddler though! I can just imagine.
21. mk said:
I always wonder if the self-checkouts are actually saving the store any money in the long run, due to A) the number of times a human has to come over and fix something and B) the huge potential for Produce Fraud. I'm not entirely proud of myself for admitting this, but if a person wanted to, she might notice that, say, bananas are extremely cheap, whereas, say, pomegranates are extremely un-cheap. And if a person memorized the PLU code for bananas, she could just type that in and then weigh the pomegranates.
Of course, then you have to deal with the machine shouting "Please place your BANANAS on the belt!" across the store. (It's the same in Spanish, sadly, although my first-year Spanish book led me to believe it should be platanos.)
22. acm said:
I don't know about everybody else's nerve, but the grammatical fussbudget in me suggests that you look up the word "enormity" because it means something entirely different from "enormousness" (although after your experience, that distinction may blur somewhat, heh).
outsourced caring is a brilliant concept, encapsulating much that makes one want to bite people....
23. Mili said:
There's no such thing as a self-checkout here. At least not yet, but I'll be sure not to try them.
People are supposed to do that, why is that we want to keep people away from people so much? Jeez.
24. Dawn said:
OMG, our Home Depot is like that; two checkouts that are never open, and 4 self-scan checkouts, one of which is always broken. And then you get people trying to buy wood and pipes and things that don't scan through the self-scan checkout, and they need a cashier to stand next to them and do it for them, while 20 other people wait for that single cashier to come help scan their items.
25. Rosane said:
Hi Heather,
I h8te the self-checkouts. I make a point not to use them, thinking that I can send a message to Corporate that I won't have their not caring. Most probably than not, all I accomplish is feeling self-righteous about making a decision. It's the least I can do.
Rosane.
26. Mackenzie said:
I hate those machines too - and now after reading your story and imagining working one of those machines with a child in tow, I think I'll add a few years onto our planned start date of having children, LOL.
27. Judy said:
Even my teenage CHILDREN will not use one of those things. And they like to mess with electronics! I have never, ever, ever used one and not required the assistance of the blob in charge of straightening out things when you screw them up. They always make it your fault, but you know it's just that the machines are screwy...
28. I am said:
Please deport me now.
29. boxy brown said:
I agree, those self-checkouts are idiotic. I mean, people are idiotic, too, but at least you can argue with them.
And whoever made the observation about the 12 checkout lines, 9 of which are closed - amen. Target has like 23 checkout lines. WTF?!?
30. Wacky Mommy said:
Don't look up *shit* for anyone. The way you throw words around is an amazing and glorious thing.
I can't use self-serve at all when the kids are with me, cuz they jump up on the machine and do a merry little dance, then the one, sad lonely clerk gets upset and has an "episode."
31. [michele] said:
I am afraid of those self-checkout machines and I refuse to use them. Refuse.
We have one at our library too - the librarians get very testy when you won't use the machine.
Don't totally knock Outsourced Caring™; it's great when it pertains to in-laws.
32. dooce said:
e·nor·mi·ty [i-nawr-mi-tee]
1. outrageous or heinous character; atrociousness: the enormity of war crimes.
2. something outrageous or heinous, as an offense: The bombing of the defenseless population was an enormity beyond belief.
3. greatness of size, scope, extent, or influence; immensity: The enormity of such an act of generosity is staggering.
fussbudget that.
33. Sarah said:
PS...Im going out on a limb here and guessing you mean walmart. Then again in SLC it could also be a few other enormous food stores. Anyway, my almost 9 year old son was a lot like Leta. I have PTSD from his toddler days. One day in walmart he disappeared. He was 3 and had to walk with me because my 2 year old was in the cart (yes I realize this story could be an argument for spacing children). I FLIPPED OUT. The announced it over the store and look for him over the cameras. They found him. He was CLIMBING up the front of the donut case. At that time I didnt let my kids eat things like donuts so I suppose he saw a chance at both freedom and sugar and went for it.
34. Sadie said:
Oh, I hate those machines. They make me shiver, and always ALWAYS find something to yell at me about.
35. Laura said:
And it speaks to the strikingly unfairness of the world, because I'm pretty sure that assclown Spencer has never, ever had to use self-checkout.
36. Jodie said:
Here's the 'burbs of Dallas TX, we have one grocery store chain that has NO self-checkout lanes... Tom Thumb. But due to coupon doubling and other things like saving money we usually go to Kroger which has a bunch of the robotic self-check things. They usually work OK, but I don't have a small child either. I prefer a real person, but often there are only 1-2 lanes with a checker available. I'm a computer person, but I do Customer Service at my company, so I'm always appalled by the poor customer service at: grocery stores, the US postal service, cell phone companies and many retail stores especially Sears (I don't shop there anymore due to that.) I wish I could go without shopping all together and never need customer service again... I make my husband deal with the cable company... being on hold for an hour is another annoying thing.
37. Michykeen said:
Okay, I kind of don't mind the self checkout when it's just little ol' me and a couple cans of cat food. But the people who insist on trying to scan an entire week's worth of groceries at those things should be drug out in the street and shot.
Also, I can't use one of them without thinking, "It puts the item in the bag, or else it gets the hose again!"
38. Cheryl said:
Over here in England, self-check outs have hardly been introduced yet so we only have to deal with indifferent check-out staff providing "service" at only 3 out of 20 aisles. Please don't add the demon machines to your list of exports !
Er, I don't understand the video clip at all. Is it related to the self-service machine monsters ?Cultural differences no doubt (confused Brit in London)...
PS I worked in a supermarket on check-out as a teenager so feel qualified to say that Caring has been Outsourced.
39. Michykeen said:
P.S. - I love you, Heather. You brighten my day with your words and rants and pictures of Chuck.
40. Chris said:
Jesus, I hate those machines. The grocery stores I usually shop at do not have them (hence, I shop there more!) but the store closest to our house does. That is the emergency store, as in, "Crap, I forgot to get sour cream!" shouted mid-recipe. I've never had to do one of these runs with a preschooler in tow but still, even getting just three items, something always goes wrong. And yes, the cashier acts like you're a total moron, it's all your fault, and now her day is totally ruined.
And heaven help you if you discover that the bread you've just scanned is totally moldy as you go to put in the bag. That's a hanging crime.
41. Jeanette said:
I steer clear of them every time. I panic at the thought of weighing my produce and then looking up the stupid numbers in the 100+ page book they have with codes. I just read someone's rant in the comments about the aisles being too small and how they never have them all open...she is SO dead on.
Stop & Shop JUST introduced an even LESS caring checkout maneuver. Grab a scanner and some bags when you enter the store. Scan your items and bag them as you shop. I'm really not kidding. No, seriously. Scan and bag your groceries as you shop. They do nothing except pocket your cash at the end. Damn you Stop & Shop!
42. Froger1995 said:
Ok, reasons why I LOVE the self checkout machine:
1. I can avoid being stuck in line behind stupid people who STILL use checks in this day and age
2. I can avoid being stuck in line behind stupid people who don't know how to use the friggen card reader
3. I can avoid being stuck in line behind stupid people who can't seem to punch in their pin numbers correctly
4. I can avoid being stuck in line behind stupid people who are too distracted by their kids to get through the check out line efficiently
Sorry...but when you are a young, single, and childless...the rest of the world is stupid. Thank GOD for Outsourced Caring!
43. Alison said:
What was the correlation between that video and your experience at the store?
Outsourced Caring is great name for that, btw..thank you globalization...by the end of reading your entry I was so mad too..I was hoping for a step by step play of how you kicked the crap our of that machine...
44. Anonymous said:
I always bring my own bags to the grocery store and OH does it drive those machines around the bend that I am not placing my produce in the EXACT SPOT where the official, state-sanctioned plastic bags are located. Always this breaks the machine. Always.
Personally, I am not entirely against the concept of self-serve checkouts. Supermarket cashier is a shitty job anyway. But it's one of those instances where the technology was deployed about 5 years before they were actually done fixing it.
(P.S. They scream across the store for a reason - precisely to avoid the ol' pomegranates/bananas switcheroo.)
45. Siobhan said:
I have a love hate relationship with self-checkouts. The ones at Wal-Mart are crap, all the time, the ones at Home Depot are okay, and the ones at the grocery store always seem to work fine. UNLESS you are a wanna be greenie like me and try to use your reusable bags in the self checkout. Then it starts yelling at you "Place your items in the bag! Scan your items first!", because it recognizes the bag as an item. So I froze in front of them and got all sweaty, much like you described in your post. All drippy down the neck. Lovely.
46. Angieg said:
Wow, I've never seen anyone (need to) correct your grammar before. I have learned something about "enormity" and "enormousness" today.
By the way, my daughter is asking for more pictures of Leta, since there haven't been many lately. Thanks for the turkey and mashed potato-free story!
47. Libby said:
I have a fantasy about a world where you can go throughout your ENTIRE day and not interact with ANYONE. Grocery store? Nope. Don't have to interact there. Gas station? Nope. Buying clothes? Do it online. I think I could probably go from now until death and never deal with another human being face-to-face again.
Disturbing. Deeply disturbing, because that's not a fantasy world. I'll pay $0.05 extra for pickles if I can interact with a human. I'm sure some sociologist out there is studying this as we speak, looking for a connection between our automated, humanless society and crime. Betcha a pickle.
48. Melanie said:
I like how you use the "TM" after "Outsourced Caring", as though you invented the phrase. I've heard others use the exact same term, without trying to claim ownership. Very clever of you to try though.
And yes, self check-out sucks.
49. teresa said:
If we could channel the collective rage aimed at self-check-out machines, surely we could end world hunger. So maybe they could be good for something?
I strayed from my favorite grocery store once. I was lured by their ad for all the "10 for $10" crap that happened to be on my shopping list that week. When I got to what was supposed to be "My store," I found 2 of the 12 on-sale items actually in stock. And the alternative brand of the rest was at least twice the price. What should have been an approximately $50-60 trip ended up costing me just under $100. Grrr.
So now I go to Macey's (honest, it's a grocery store in Utah!) and nowhere else. In almost seven years, I cannot remember one single bad experience there. And they don't even have a self-check-out stand.
50. Leonie said:
I used one for the very first time at Boots today. I was queued up for the registers when this lovely lady came over to remind us that they now have self-check outs and would I like to use one?
I quickly realised that I'd be quicker in the self-check out department than in line waiting, because I was the only one giving it a go, and that shopping assistant? She was just the person to work that damn machine for me. Ha. In your face, stupid computer Boots!
51. Tim said:
Heather, run, DON'T WALK, and get "Outsourced Caring" trademarked. I'm serious. You guys could make a boatload going around to Fortune 500 companies doing "Outsourced Caring" seminars and trainings. WOW.
Seriously, I'm sorry you had the experience. I'm sure we can figure out some way this is all Jon's fault. :)
52. Scott said:
This reminded me of the story about the guy arrested recently at a Home Depot.
http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/local/330043_prybar03.html
Glad you only had a box of cereal :-) Since I learned a long time ago not to take my 4 year old to the store, I use the auto-checkout all the time. I can't imagine shopping with a on-the-loose 4 year old. You are a brave woman!
53. MoxieTheMaven said:
What I love (hate) about those machines is the way they breed a never-ending line of critics behind the poor person checking out. You're trying to scan your tampons or whatever, the machine is screaming at you about said tampons, and there's a line of 10 people behind you, all glaring at you as if they know EXACTLY how to make the machine operate PERFECTLY. And then, without fail, each of those people gets up to bat and has just as much trouble as the person they just scorned. The cycle never ceases.
54. Flatman said:
"Oddly, I've never been trained to tell someone that their machine needs a right good fucking, but I manage to do it as if everything in my life has been leading up to this exact moment."
I don't think I have ever laughed harder...thank you.
55. Victoria said:
Yikes!
56. Missypotamia said:
I tried to by condoms at a self check out machine at my local grocery store once.(Immature considering that I am all about the safe sex, and am 26 years old- meaning I should have come to terms with the fact that Im having sex in the first place... but thats a whole other story.) In the end it took 3 people 10 minutes to help me pay for my stupid box of condoms. I am convinced that this is god punnishing me for having premarital sex.
57. heatherp said:
Since I lack a child to handle or the budget to buy much at any given time, my issue with the self-checkouts is different. Reagan taught us all a great lesson about the "miracle" of the trickle down: that it is hardly a miracle, or even functional for the average person. The minor product price decreases that self-checkout stands represent are negligible. What really happens is CEOs save money and boost profit margins while decreasing local employment opportunities. The only miraculous or awe-inspiring thing about this scenario is that we've been duped into not only padding their pockets by shopping at their stores, but also becoming the low wage labor they refuse to employ. It's magic! Wheee!
58. Sarah said:
This recalls the time I got stuck in the endless UNKNOWN ITEM IN BAGGING AREA / ITEM HAS BEEN REMOVED FROM BAGGING AREA loop. The pain!
59. Workman said:
As frustrating as it is, I still find those automated machines much more competent than most grocery store employees.
60. hello insomnia said:
Fight the machine, Heather. I've found that a quick thwap to the side will get the cashier to help you much faster than loudly arguing with the annoying mechanical voice calling you a liar.
61. Strangeite said:
It depends on the machine. At Kroger, I prefer the self-checkout, as their machines work well and I can complete my purchase, even with daughter in tow, quicker than waiting for one of the few clerks.
However the machines in Wal-Mart are more frustrating and useless than Windows ME was. A line 20 people deep is faster than using a self-checkout machine at Wal-Mart.
62. Heidi said:
I remember thinking how hard it would be to raise a child. The tantrums. The illnesses. The various dangers from which to protect them. It never occurred to me that taking a toddler to the grocery store would be tremendous task! Then there are some (like me) who end up taking two....or three....or God forbid even more!
You're a brave sole to attempt self checkout with a toddler!
63. Broomhilda said:
Who the Hell is Heidi?
Okay, so I'm an old fart grandmother who has to agree with Froger. I only run into these machines when I go to a Large City, rather than the small town I live in. And I do okay with them now that I've figured out to have my store card and debit card READY!
And, maybe it's a Southern thing, but the checkers ignore the customer as they are pulling the items through and scanning them, and Talk To The Bagger!!! Usually about what is happening in high school, or flirting with them. So, you are mostly totally ignored. I hate that more than using the scanner. So, I choose Outsourced Caring (brilliant term, by the way), rather than No Caring At All.
And, Heather... I love, love, love your new format.
64. mathe said:
i seem to have the magic touch when i use the self-checkout machines: maybe one time out of every five i get a green screen of death; this is a lot like the blue screen of death, only it's green and all it says is some error message.
this always happens when i'm on the last item and have already got everything bagged too. the "overseer" comes over, clucks a bit, sighs, gives me the stinkeye, resets the computer, and makes me go to another register.
and don't even get me started on the bagging. yes, IT'S ALREADY IN THE GOD DAMNED BAG.
i think the sole purpose of self-checkouts is to make sure that the whole population of america is put on anxiety medication.
65. Peeved Michelle said:
Surely it makes you miss Gelson's in LA. I don't care that I had to pay higher prices, I usually went to Gelson's after work because I was tired and they would not only have every register staffed, they would take the groceries out of the cart for me, bag them and put them into my car.
66. Mary said:
I hate those things. They don't really save anyone any time, and I can't imagine they're saving the stores all that much time or money, either. And they certainly aren't saving anyone's sanity, from the sounds of it.
They are, however, saving my brother a few bucks a month on grapes, as he's got some cockamamie grape-weighing scam going at a Cub Foods by his college in MN...
67. Colleen34 said:
This happened to me too. The twins I nanny for (who were four at the time) wanted to help. I thought it would be okay. So the kid scans the item and places it in the bag and slightly leans on the scale. Of course when she leaned back the ITEM REMOVED FROM BAGGING AREA! alarm went off. The watcher said I couldn't let her help. Then she got mad because they were standing to close to the bagging area, while I checked the items.
I really like the idea of self-check out when you only have an item or two.
69. Whitney said:
I love the self-check out, usually the self-check out attendent ends up doing the whole transaction for me, after continually getting the 'please wait for asistance' notice about 20 times.
70. Julie said:
Good God, this just happened to me yesterday. My two year old kept trying to climb up on the bagging area so she could "help" me and it kept screwing everything up. I was so pissed and so frustrated at the experience that I was tempted to leave the two year old with the unhelpful sales staff.
71. KiKi said:
My mother gets so excited about self check outs. Last time I went to a store with her that had them (it was my first experience with one in that store and she was going to teach me how to use it) she literally shoved me out of the way b/c she wanted to "play" with the machine. Then my father couldn't understand why he couldn't take the packed bags off the carousel before I had paid for them. I haven't been back to that store in over 6 months. I know the next time I go, I'll still have my mother pushing my out of the way b/c she wants to play even after she's finished checking herself through.
72. Dreama said:
I am clearly an oddball. (No, really? You don't say!)
Our local store never has enough non-express lanes open, especially at the hour I like to shop (read: 2 a.m.) and the self-checkouts have been, inexplicably, limited to the hours of 10 a.m. to 7 p.m. and ten items only. And even then, only 2 or 3 of the 12 in the store might ever be open at one time.
Because I have figured out the machine, have learned how to put my items on the belt in a way that makes scanning quickly and easy (something I've done for years for cashiers) and use my own bags that bypass the scales completely, using the self-checkouts is almost always guaranteed to be faster for me than being waited on by someone who may well be working at 1/4 speed, wants to chit-chat (or wanted to chit-chat with the 3 people ahead of me, but not with me) and has to be told repeatedly how I prefer to have my items bagged. (Like with like, cold together, and no, you do not put dishwashing liquid or shampoo in the same bag with food or put 2 half gallons of anything in the same bag or put anything heavy on top of breads or fruits or chips or light bulbs, thank you very much.)
But for 99% of my shopping experiences, I am completely denied.
So apparently I need to move to Utah. I will do your shopping in exchange for not being restrained from the use of a working (standard implementation) self-checkout when I choose to use one. I don't mind if the caring is outsourced, if I can just avail myself of the opportunity to be in its sphere!
(On another topic, are the Daily Photo and Daily Chuck no longer meant to be in the RSS feed?)
73. Tara said:
I don't have a problem with self-checkouts that actually WORK. The ones at Food Lion do not work most (nearly all) of the time. Once, when I was having trouble with one, the attendant came over and literally smacked the machine to get it un-stuck, and it worked. If I'd known that all I had to do was beat the hell out of it, I would have done it myself--it sure would have made me feel better.
74. Courtney said:
You are SO not alone in this. I never do the self-check correctly, therefore a human is always required to help me out, even if I'm only purchasing one item. I visibly tremble whenever I've attempted to use one, I'm so frightened of screwing it up.
The only place in our town that has these lanes-of-the-devil is at Satan's very own favorite store, Walmart, and I avoid going there anyway.
75. BirdieRoark said:
Oh this is bringing back such fond memories of when Home Depot introduced these suckas a few years back. I was so excited that I didn't have to stand in line with the 85 contractors buying sheetrock. By the end of my 25 minute experience buying 4 items, I was so frustrated. Individually plucking my bikini line one hair at a time would have been less painful.
We only have one grocery chain that had introduced the self checkouts in our area. I don't shop there anyways because their food sucks. But I'm thinking I need to go check it out to see if they are run by robots now too.
76. C'tina said:
Jon Spawn is supposed to stay home with her father. I rearrange my schedule so I don't have to take my kids to grocery stores, lol. And trying to use one of those damed machines whilst supervising a small child....not unless one of us was in a straight jacket, because I'd surely be in one at the end of the ordeal.
77. kgr said:
Thank you for perfectly summing up why self-checkout is one of the most annoying things ever to be invented. I cannot count the number of times that machine at Smith's Foods has yelled, "Wait for customer assistance" and the "customer assistant" is off gossiping with another "customer assistant" and not paying any attention. It is instant frustration.
78. the Confused Dildo said:
"I like how you use the "TM" after "Outsourced Caring", as though you invented the phrase. I've heard others use the exact same term, without trying to claim ownership. Very clever of you to try though."
Do you get paid to leave smug comments randomly on the internet or is it a disability of yours?
Heather, next time someone refers to Leta like that, you should let Leta bite them.
My only gripe about self check out are the mouth breathing morons that go through with two carts full or groceries.
Seriously, do you need an IQ above 100 to realize that is NOT going to make it quicker?
79. Shannon said:
Personally, I'm still waiting for a drive-thru supermarket.
Maybe I should just suck it up and order it to be delivered.
80. Rachel said:
I'm supposed to be one of the young and better-with-technology types (meaning that I have to show my parents how to open up an internet browser and where to type) and I still hate these machines. I went to a supersize walmart a few weeks ago (this is canada though, so our supersize walmarts are probably half the size of yours) and my soul was devoured by the machine. I was trying to buy one cd, just one item, and somehow the magnet deactivator thing killed my credit and debit card all in one go, after pulling my wallet right out of my hand and onto the magnet pad. I ended up stealing some money from my roommate to pay for it, but only after the attendant woman came over to look at me, sigh, and walk away.
I was a cashier once and was forced to smile and make small talk. I didn't care at all. Outsourced Caring is here to stay :)
81. witchypoo said:
I'm afeared of those machines.
Even when I'm the only one there to screw it up.
They are evil.
82. Anonymous said:
Sorry, I've heard of "Outsourced Caring" before. A friend of mine in my Marketing class wrote a paper on it and that was the title. Sorry to burst your bubble.
But as for the self checkouts, I really don't like them. I've never seen them in a grocery store, that must be awful! The checkers at the store I shop at talks to me, someone bags my stuff and carries it to my car. I can't stand pushing carts through snow. Oh, but I do have the same skinniness of the lane problem...
83. Jessica M. said:
The first time my boyfriend went through a self-check out with me he kept moving the bags and the machine would go crazy. I had to keep saying "You're making the machine angry!!!" Poor guy, he was just trying to help.
84. struglas said:
unfortuneatly customer service disappeared when the guy who pumps you gas did.
why is it so passe to hire someone to say hello and smile at you when you're buying something from their establishment.
from austin tx.(customer service apathy capital of the world)
85. Laura said:
I have never been in contact with a self checkout that has enough room to take all your items out of the cart. You have to totally reorganize your items after you take them out on that little area that is attempting to weigh everything. THEN, you can't move anything back into your cart. It's a constant juggle with organization and people waiting...constantly judging you on how dumb you are because the computer is yelling.
86. maggie said:
1. self checkouts are a bad bad thing. dont use them.
2. just my 2 cents but - you have got to stop letting leta rule! put her in the cart and fight her all the way thru it and the next time it will be less frustrating - or perhaps the time after that - consistancy is key!
3. how did the onion dish come out?
87. nac said:
What are you going to do if you ever have 2 kids?
Good luck :)
88. the Confused Dildo said:
Wow Heather, had I known that so many people who read this site had absolutely no concept or irony, I would have been demanding you publish hate mail everyday.
Expect more email demands from me.
89. Sloth said:
I use the self check-outs every time. Every time! You know why? Because the people who work at my neighborhood grocery store are so unbelievably rude that I will do anything to avoid them. Horrible, bitter people.
The machines usually work pretty well because I don't have a child-with-limbs in tow.
90. Unruly Duckling said:
I will sheepishly admit that I *love* using the self-checkout machines because I never matured enough to stop being excited about getting to push the buttons all by myself. I find elevators really fun for the same reason.
91. Miss Grace said:
My fondest self checkout memory is from college. The person in front of me was paying with a large jar of pennies, inserting them one at a time. And her total was something like 24.36, so every time she inserted a penny, the machine would say "Insert Cash." Over and over and over again Insert Cash Insert Cash Insert Cash Insert Cash. And I had to wait in that line for about 25 minutes and listen to that sound bore itself into my brain. This was 7 years ago and I can still perfectly recall the voice.
92. megan said:
Eeeee!
My boyfriend insists on using the damn self-checkout every single time because he actually PREFERS no human interaction whatsoever. I think it proves my point that he has no soul, but he insists it is better. It must be because he thinks HE is in control of the machine.
This is the same man who was once electrocuted by the automated ticket machine at the movies (which he OF COURSE prefers to the human behind the glass window) and refused to complain to the manager that his arm was paralyzed and in pain. Oh yeah, it charged his debit card, and didn't give us any tickets.
The machines are out to get us.
93. jen said:
I avoid the self-checkout machines on principle because I'm not getting paid to do that kind of shit.
That said, I used to get paid to do that kind of shit (I worked at Trader Joe's for about two years) and it is sometimes much faster for me to do it myself than to wait for someone who would prefer not to.
Poor Leta...sounds like she was behaving quite well, just standing there with her hand on the rail.
94. Sadie said:
One time I was forced to use one of those self-checkouts at the grocery store and it did not HAVE a code for fennel. It just DIDN'T. And I stood there, bewildered, while the machine screamed at me and the asshole behind me mocked me, openly. Finally he got tired of waiting and went to the self-checkout in the next aisle. Within sixty seconds I heard his machine start shrieking at him too, and I took great pleasure in leaving my fennel on the conveyor belt, walking past that guy, and laughing at him. "Who's so fucking smart now?!" It was worth abandoning the fennel to say that.
95. jagosaurus said:
I don't mind the self checkout machines particularly, but I do mind being forced to use them through passive-aggressive tactics.
What makes me the angriest is the attitude of the employee assigned to the machines who is, without fail, incredibly inconvenienced that they should have to do any troubleshooting. Troubleshooting that is, by the way, part of the reason the employee is there given how simple-minded those machines are.
96. Theresa said:
Oh that's an awful story! I am so sorry they made you suffer like that.
Personally I looooove the self checkout and I wish every store had them. I think they are fast and kind of fun! But, I have never had to deal with it while in care of a child. Self checkout is great- but the store should always have traditional clerks for those who want them.
I also agree with a previous poster that the self checkout should be limited to 10 items or less. It's meant to be fast, like an express lane... and don't even get me started on people who go into express lanes with a cart full of stuff. The clerks should be required to ask them to leave the line!
97. Rebecca said:
You have my sympathy, Dooce. It isn't that I have a toddler of my own, because I don't. And it isn't because I've ever used a self-checkout, because my town doesn't yet have that kind of convenience. Not yet. I just understand.
98. Ginger said:
One of the things I have always hated about the stupid machines is how they yell at you. The scream the price so that people back it the dairy section can see how much you spent on your eggs. I am just waiting for them to start yelling out what the items are as you scan them. Who knows, they might even add comments. I don't doubt one day I will be forced to use one of these stupid machines and while scanning my merchandise I will hear "SUPER JUMBO TAMPONS! $5.98" or "RED WINE. $9.98" "Dark CHOCOLATE $4.68" "BEN AND JERRY'S $3.98" "YOU MUST BE PMSING!"
99. Jessica said:
The first time I encountered one of those self checkout lines I pretty much had the same thing happen to me, what with the "touching of the machine accidently with my hands" and such. And I was probably seventeen instead of three. And I probably allowed the designated Non-Carer to snipe at me without saying a word.
In contrast, a year or so ago I was in a regular checkout line at a supermarket in Pittsburgh when the sassy black girl who was my checker accidently locked the register as she was finishing up my transaction. Without a word, without any eye contact, without so much as a glance at the line of people approaching twelve deep behind me, she promptly leaned over her register on one elbow and started filing her nails, which were very long and very close to a shade I can only describe as Baby Shit Yellow. After a minute or two I asked "Is someone going to come open your register?" No response. Another minute goes by. "Hello?" Nothing. Finally, after a full eight minutes of me standing there trying to get her attention I just screamed "I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS. KEEP THE MONEY. OH AND BY THE WAY, YOUR NAIL COLOR IS HIDEOUS. BYE BYE!"
So, yeah, I think I may have come to terms with Outsourced Caring, as you call it. It's mostly better than the real deal.
100. Jill said:
So nobody else thought the guy yelling at you to keep Leta off the machine was a huge dick? I would have stopped my entire transaction and had me some words with him. Why do people think it's okay to do stuff like that?
And yeah, the self checkout machines totally blow. I was excited to use them initially, but it always took me--an intelligent, technology savvy person--way longer than waiting in line because of the finicky machine. I actually wouldn't mind Outsourced Caring so much if it wasn't so damned inconvenient. Not in the grocery store, anyway. I still want people to care at, say, the doctor or dentist's office.
101. NerdGirl said:
Hey... the upside to the machines are that you normally wouldnt have to put up with some gum chewing, slack-jawed, snotty, prepubescent teenager rolling their eyes at you and your child while giving you your 'customer service'...
=)
102. WriterJax said:
My biggest pet peeve about the self-checkout machines is that they scream the price of your item, as in "Produce; FOUR TWENTY-NINE."
That way everyone knows when I'm buying 32 packages of Top Ramen.
"TWENTY-NINE. TWENTY-NINE. TWENTY-NINE."
103. jessica said:
I have not yet had a successful run at the self-checkout machine. I always need the aid of the helper chick at least once.
I will say this though, it may have come in handy when my daughter was younger. She had a horrible habit of making confession to the checkout clerk. "I had lice TWO TIMES!" "My mommy killed my hamster with PAM." (It was an accident. Damn, squeaky wheel) "Those are for my mom's bottom." (pointing to a box of tampons).
Thankfully she is now 14. She can't really be bothered to speak to anyone.
104. Phooka said:
Personally if someone were commenting on my child's behavior at a self check out machine I would calmly complete my transaction, allow it to close out completely and discreetly slip a penny onto the scale below the bags for the mouthy jerk-off to deal with. It will take them hours to figure out why the machine is not reading the items properly. I know this because I have done it. And if it is the same jackass that cut me off from a parking space then I will break a tooth pick off in keyhole to their car door.
Remember it is best to not let hostile feeling brew inside. You must find a way to deal with the emotions before exploding. I just happen to be very devious.
Better luck the next time you go to the grocery store.
105. Sarah said:
ha ha ha .. paid to care, that is hilarious...
I had the same experience at Wal-Mart with my 6 yr old son. Now I will remember next time to have him lean heavily on the bag holder, and maybe someone will come to manually checkout MY stuff too, so I can get on with it...
(ooooohhh word verification .. *** and steamy ..)
106. Ellen said:
Yes, I have had the grocery scanner scan right into my cerebral cortex and hit just the frequency that makes my eyes squint and my shoulders bunch together. And heaven forbid anyone between the ages of six and thirty actually wants to HELP you put stuff on the little weighing thingies. Somehow it knows when the item has been touched by another set of hands, I swear. I have not yet walked away from a beeping grocery scanning machine, because I actually don't want to take it out on the people who've been waiting behind me, but I've been tempted!
107. Kathleen said:
I love the self check-out machines as the lines go much faster at our store. Of course, when my kid was Leta's age, I didn't take him to the grocery store with me. Maybe the machine + toddler combo is just not a good one.
108. William said:
If you are going to fuck the self check out scanners make sure you use plastic and not paper.
109. Honeybell said:
I've NEVER used one of those things that worked. When I must use one, inevitably a hateful employee must come and save me from myself . . . by taking me to an actual cashier, because the employees can't use it either!
110. Barbara E. said:
You should have turned Leta loose on that human.
I actually was pleased when the new supermarket in my town installed 3 self checkout lanes. Then I tried to check out. The scanner yelled at me and to my everlasting shame, I yelled back. I now patronize the older supermarkets in town and am really, really nice to the cashiers.
111. Sarah said:
I live near a retirement community and all of the old people love to use the self check out. And you know old people and technology work so well together. Well, the store must have gotten wise and turned down the sensitivity of those machines, because they are easy to use at that one store.
Don't the old people know that robots eat old people?
112. Cabbit said:
I don't have children and I had the same problem happen to me. I was at home depot. After ducking to avoid getting hit by someone wildly swinging 2 x 4's attempting to scan them, I attempted to checkout. Everytime I reached over to scan one of my items the damn machine yelled at me to remove the item. What item? I havn't put anything on there yet! And again, when I finished scanning all my items and went to pay with my debit card. This is approximately when I figured out it was my coat causing the problems. apparantly my long wool coat brushed the bagging area, causing the machine to have seizures.
evil computers.
113. Hoper0829 said:
I too have shopped many times with a fully energized child. And putting them in a cart can be much worse for all shoppers then chasing the child down.
My son loves to go to the self service checkouts; therefore, this knowledge is used to blackmail him into being good during the shopping trip.
"If you are good you can scan our items!"
114. Ben said:
A few days ago, the woman in front of me at the self-checkout line at Stop 'n' Shop actually left all of her shit there because she got so frustrated with the machine. That's right: she just walked out.
Stunning.
116. klate said:
HA! I only use them if I have 12 items or less and no veggies/fruit and nothing in a crinkly, wrinkly package that obscures the UPC code. They are designed to help save time and money but you spend ages trying to get it to work but at my store if you have the gall to use a credit card rather than cash or debit you have to go up to the attendant to sign your slip anyway. Pointless. And I don't need that damn voice announcing to the world that I'm buying TAMPONS! or METAMUCIL! or COLT45! (which, of course, triggers a visit from the attendant, too).
And tell all the party poopers who are bursting your "Outsource Caring" bubble to suck it. It's funny regardless of who coined the phrase.
117. kcn said:
I hate Wal-Mart. EVERY time I go there it is a horrible experience. And ditto for the Fred Meyer self-checkout lines. My temperature and pulse pick up every time I've tried one of those. And one time my 6 year old son was just leaning on the counter where the bags are, and it kept yelling at me to SCAN THE LAST ITEM PLEASE and I am saying WTF I have already 14 times!! Then the snooty assistant yells at me to make sure my son IS NOT TOUCHING THE COUNTER!!~!
Somehow Home Depot self-checkouts always work for me.
118. April said:
There is a button on the self checkout screen that says "large item." GREAT BUTTON! you can push this button and skip the whole "PUT THE ITEM IN THE BAG"
The biggest problem I have at self-checkouts is people cutting in line. I want to physically harm people who cut in line.
119. Theresa said:
Okay- I posted a minute ago about how I like self checkout lanes, but I forgot to share something...
When the machine says stuff I often talk back. I know it can't hear me and I must look like an idiot- but I can't help it. I feel compelled to talk to it...
"Place item in the bag- what the $&@!- I did that- it's in the damn bag..."
And I still like the things. I am a grocery store masochist. And I talk to inanimate objects. There must be a support group out there for me.
120. Anonymous said:
Open the gates and the flood will come! See how many people you touch? You lucky blogger!
Forget America. Move to Australia. We get to tell 'people' they need a right good fucking!
121. Angeline said:
I love self check out. Where I live if I use regular check out I either get stuck behind some moron that waits until the last minute to start filling out their check(when they could have filled out everthing minus their signature and price while waiting in line). Or the Cashier is so freaking slow and stupid or scans your item more then once and can't figure out how to fix it. Has to call for help. Our walmart doesn't have self check out. They did but then they removed them. I don't shop there much. They are starting to remind me of kmart...junk.
I had to laugh the other day. The grocery store near my house has about 4 self check out lanes and this guy was standing in line behind another woman not paying attention to the lane open next to him. So I went up and started scanning my stuff and he went all ape cuz he didn't notice it was free. Using the self check out lane has made my life easier. Because I almost always get my stuff scanned and bagged and paid for before a cashier can get it done. And I rarely need help. The only thing I don't like is how impatient the damn machines are. I luck out with my kids I guess. They've never acted like uncontrolable monkeys while at the self check out. But I have had to chase them around a few stores. Hence that is why they have child halters with leashes they use them in england all the time and I LOVED THEM!
122. kidsmom said:
Oh, you ended the story at the climax! Tell me how it ends, PUHLEEZE! Whad'ya say?
123. Heather D. said:
We had those self-checkouts at our Walmart for about a year. I never liked them. I once pushed the wrong button and had it talking to me in spanish and couldn't get it to switch back to english. My mom loved them because she prefered to deal with the finicky machine then deal with the two basic types of cashiers. The one who was grumpy and barely acknowledged your presence for any reason other then taking your money or the one who was super nicey nice and commented on every item she purchased as if thier recommendation alone would change the brand of toilet paper she purchased.
According to the rumors I heard, the self-checkouts were finally removed because the store lost nearly $1millon in inventory while they were in use. Apparently grumpy cashiers severly lacking in people skills are cheaper.
124. Hannah said:
Since my little one is still young enough to be imprisoned in the cart, I have to admit I love self-checkout. I know when I have one closer to Leta's age I will hate them, because there is nowhere to put down your purchases while you sort out scanning, bagging, inserting debit card, etc. And why oh why do they yell at you, those machines?
125. House Frau said:
I use these machines a lot, especially when I go in for only a few items. They "know" what the item weighs somehow, after you scan it and put it in the bag. The place where the bags are is kinda like a scale, so you can't touch that part of the machine or it freaks and yells at you.
And as for Leta, why don't you try those car carts? My 3 and 4 year old love to ride in the car on the front of the basket while I shop. If they dare get out I threaten them that I will put whatever snack they picked out back on the shelf. The threat of not having Hello Kitty fruit snacks works like a charm.
126. tarheeltri said:
I've been using self-checkouts for years. Never had a problem till they changed the acceptance beep from a single to a double beep. Bastards.
My mind refused to believe I wasn't double-scanning everything and the resultant hesitation caused me to fall behind in bagging, which of course lead to the "please place item in the bag" message, which of course I didn't do fast enough and had to take the item out of the bag and wait for the one person managing the four self-scanners to clear it manually. This went on for every single one of my 10+ items.
Yeah, a few people were angry with me not to mention my loud screaming spaghetti strainer 2-year-old.
I will say that people need to get over the fact that kids are kids.
127. Kate said:
I love your sarcasm! It cracks me up!
You definitely have a gift for writing and being funny at the same time!
128. Lisa Lou said:
AARGH!! No one needs this kind of crap. I hate those effing machines and refuse to use them. I now shop almost exclusively at Fresh Fields, where I pay out the ying yang, but usually get very good service. I also get the privilege of identifying vegetables to the 16-year-olds at the register. And I'm not talking about unusual stuff like bok choy and rutabaga, I'm talking about regular good ole stuff grown in the USA. THIS is romaine lettuce. THIS is an avocado. THIS is yellow squash. I'm dying to ask, "What the heck do you eat at your house?"
P.S. Your site is great--I'm a daily fan as of last week when I discovered it.
129. Kate said:
p.s. I hate it that the only person in charge of the self check out lanes, is either daydreaming, or chatting with a friend or coworker, when I need help - and they pretend not to notice that I'm waiting along with a line of people behind me!
130. Marta said:
I have the feeling that I'm the only one of your readers who watches The Hills.
131. Gillian said:
(sheepish smile) I, um, like the self checkouts. I think I'm heir target audience - too stupid to realize that I'm doing the work without getting paid. When I first saw them, I was all - cool! Shiny! New toy! Fun to scan! Beep boop beep. But I quickly learned to avoid at all costs if I have produce.
*Also, you reusable baggers don't have to use your bags or the store bags. Just balance your stuff in a precarious tower on top of the tiny scale, and then when you're done, scoop it all into your bags. If the tower falls over mid-shop, just run before the machine explodes.
**Dooce, you should take Leta shopping in her chicken costume. I think that Bawk Bawk could soften the hardest grumpy-underpaid-cashier heart, and she'd probably be scooped up and played with by lots of random strangers while you scanned to your heart's content. Then again, maybe that's creepy.
132. Natalie said:
I would have flipped at the part where they told me to "tell my kid" to stop touching the machine. I feel bad when I go through the self checkout because I'm always telling my four year old to get his hands off the weighing thingamabobber. He's not TRYING to cause a disruption, but the five people standing behind me glare at me because the stupid green light has now turned red.
I actually really appreciate the self checkout, but there are some problems that really need to be fixed.
133. Anonymous said:
And don't even think about using the mechanized handicapped cart while in the self-checkout line. You can't get the cart close enough to the machine, so you have to back up then go forward while the person behind you curses and dances out of range of the wheels - really, did they not realize that you might want to back up? Of course, you have to get off the cart to manage all the tasks, which means backing up again and walking around the cart. By this time I'm usually in enough pain that I just leave the groceries there and go to Harmon's, where they acutally have live humans who empty the cart and bag the items. Plus they have "drive and load" so I don't have to do anything but drive over to the portico to have my groceries put neatly in my car.
134. SilverPoet said:
I hate self checkout...I find it especially tedious when they have someone watching you self checkout anyway...why don't they just flippin' pay the person to take care of it for you? Oh, wait...because there's no such thing as customer service anymore...
Oh, and I'm going to have nightmares from that YouTube clip...Spencer is the king of douche. The kind that breeds massive yeast.
135. Faithstwin said:
I personally love self-checkouts, and though I have experienced some issues with them (at Walmart...) I have never had such a problem that it makes me want to wait in a line.
My oldest was so unruly and no matter how much duct tape I would use to strap her into the cart, she would manage to wriggle out and stand up threatening massive head injuries if I didn't keep all attention on her. It was a rare occasion she would accompany me to the store or to the mall- or any location requiring her to be confined. This lasted until she was at least 3 when I had my second kiddo and she became the "Little Mommy" making her very aware of what was a proper way to act and what wasn't.
Dildo, you said: "Wow Heather, had I known that so many people who read this site had absolutely no concept or irony, I would have been demanding you publish hate mail everyday.
Expect more email demands from me."
Sadly those individuals don't even know you are referring to them.
136. mihow said:
We here in NY win the Major Award for laziness. Screw the checkout lines. Screw the automated system, VIVA LA FRESH DIRECT!
Where men bring boxes filled with food (you pick out on the Internet) to your front door and then up your plethora of stairs into your cold, small, absurdly over-priced Brooklyn apartment.
We are currently waiting for our 200 dollar delivery right now.
137. Beth said:
The last time I went to a self-checkout I waited behind a woman who tried unsuccesfully to scan a zucchini for about ten minutes. And by zucchini I mean the vegetable. That grows out of the earth. Without a barcode.
138. Jenn said:
What kills me about the Outsourced Caring is the bagging. The soul-less grocery store near us that has hired robots for all of its lines has not been able to find robots to bag your damn groceries, so you can scan your items, put them on a conveyor belt and send them down to the bagging area where they will sit and wait for you to bag them. Or in my case, the bagging area always gets too full and the items start coming BACK UP the belt, then they go back down the belt and then I have to stop scanning and go bag the freaking groceries so that they stop dancing around and get in the damn bags. Sure, sometimes there is one kid bagging, but that kid inevitably wanders away on break when it's my turn to scan. Assholes.
139. Jennifer said:
Um why didn't I get to experience your telling off of the machine or the person who is forced to care?
140. Heather said:
I, for one, love self-checkout, but feel your pain. There's nothing worse than the thing beeping at you and telling you to do something you already have done. Last night I went through the same thing where my machine kept doing strange things, and the woman "in charge" of the lanes was not eager to help. Can't imagine having to go through that while keeping a 3-year-old under control too!
And in response to Marta's comment above...you're not alone. My husband & I (ages 30 and 36) are loyal watchers of The Hills...well, I'm a loyal watcher and he supposedly gets 'forced into' watching it with me each week. (Last time I checked he had legs and we had another television in the house.)
141. Kelly B said:
Oddly enough, I saw the same thing happen last Wednesday. Only it was an adult who was playing with the bag area.
Myself, I love those machines. The people who man them can be awful though.
142. Erica said:
Heather - I so love you! That is the true Memphis attitude coming out. I personally would have thrown the item at the "worker" if they talked to me that way about my "KID". What an ass!
143. SydneyDawn said:
I feel your pain. I hate those machines. Last time I used one was when my seven-year-old octopus, I mean son, was with me. It took me five minutes to figure out why the machine was screaming at me to remove an item and scan it...yep, my kid's fault. He was leaning on the scale.
144. Dixie said:
After the person behind you yelled about your "kid", I would have, at that point, let Leta finish the checkout.
If he/she didn't like her touching the scale, letting her touch everything would have been fabulous!!
145. Stefani Twyford said:
OMG, I could so hear that voice, "put the item back IN the BAG!" Fortunately our grocery store has gotten new scanners and they are not quite as retarded as the old ones. I feel your pain.
146. Kirsten said:
My husband DETESTS the 'Outsourced Caring' machines at the grocery stores and the big blue conglomerate that is taking over the world. I will use them when I'm by myself, and that is it. Otherwise I get stuck in the loop where machine charges me for 3 loaves of bread when I only scanned one, then you have to wait for uncaring soul to wander over, sigh heavily, scan card, enter password, correct YOUR mistake and please be careful with your scanning, miss, and then walk away to their desk/podium, where they twirl their hair, snap their gum, and fiddle with their store issued walkie talkie.
147. Shelli said:
When asswipes make comments like the guy did to you?
I usually tell Malka to go home with them. Loudly. As in: "Malka, clearly this person is a better parent than I, so you go on home with him, OK?"
Maybe, when she's old enough to understand that I won't say it.
As often.
I LOVE the self checkouts. Here in NYC, the cashiers are tired, bored, and have better things to do with their time, so I feel all powerful and shit when I use it.
But maybe it's just me.
148. Marla said:
I used one of those check outs the other day to purchase some various items that included an R rated DVD. The machine politely asked me to wait for a customer service specialist.. who, when she arrived, screamed at me that she HAD to see my ID for the purchase (I look well over 21) and she couldn't BELIEVE I didn't have my ID on my person (I just got off of work).. and on and on it went. Had I not desperately needed the other items in the cart, I would have just walked off. It was so tempting.
149. Wecker said:
Thank you for the post!
Apparently, it isn't worth anything either, to try and reason with anyone about these self-using machines, or about the way the customer service reps, so to speak, handle the consumers - whether at a store, or on the phone! For any consumer who attempts to speak logically, or questions the discounted treatment from the employees, receives a look of disdain from these workers and their superiors - as though the consumer is the outcasted exception they've been instructed to roll their eyes at, and then be short with, within the ten minute video-training course the employees received on the first day of their job!
And, dare I say, most of these "customer service" workers do not have children. Unless they do, where they undoubtedly treat their kids like the difficult-consumers where they work! Because children - small, young ones especially! - are curious, and are unable to sit still for very long periods of time.
I would like to think this lack of quality customer service issue is more than just being older than others (ie. As if the next words spoken would be, "Back in my day...." ). I would like to think it is really a concern, possibly stemming from the short-term outlook individuals appear to have in this day.
The point is I am thrilled I am not alone in this feeling. That I am not the only one who thinks ill of the self-checkout machines, and only hopes the next employee to step toward me doesn't use the evil-eyes on me, or actually opens a can of whoop-ass.
150. Keri said:
Yep, wholeheartedly agree with you. We have a Walmart Market close to us and when it opened it had the easiest self-checkout lanes EVER. So easy. So efficient. So quick.
But apparently, since the person responsible for keeping an eye on things WAS NEVER DOING HIS/HER FREAKING JOB, people started stealing stuff. So they changed the system and now it's a NIGHTMARE. I wanted to rip the helper-kid's eyeballs out because he was being so condesending about the fact that apparently I wasn't putting things in the bags "correctly" for the machine to read it. WTF??!!! I really wish I would have told him, when he said they changed it because of customer theft, that it would work JUST FINE WHEN THE STORE EMPLOYEES WERE DOING THEIR JOBS.
Stupid.
But unfortunately it's still easier than dealing with incompetent checkers who are slower than molasses and can't count change. And no, they're not ALL that way, but those are the ones I always seem to get.
Bleh!
151. Anonymous said:
I hate those check outs about as much as I dislike Spencer Pratt.
152. Beverly Dixon said:
i love it when i put my stuff in the bag just a little backasserd for the sensors, and it screams, please scan the item BEFORE you put it in the bag...and the person behind me rolls his eyes and cuts me a look like i am a stupid old lady. Apparently he is the stupid one for getting in line behind me...
153. Crys said:
THANK GOD I'm not the only one who has problems with those stupid self checkout things
154. ALF said:
I HATE those self-check out machines. They are constantly yelling because you've done something wrong. God knows what you did wrong but it was obviously something terrible.
And don't even try to purchase alcohol if you have to use the self check out - it is next to impossible because the machine wants you to prove that you're over 21. Try proving that to a machine.
155. Kevin Hamm said:
Oh god, I just laughed so hard I fell out of the chair and split my pants open!! I hate those machines with a passion as well. I think we need "Your machine needs a right good fucking" t-shirts. I'll take 2.
156. Roxanne said:
But aren't the self-serve checkouts the way they keep their prices so low?
/sarcasm off
I hate them. They are somewhat new in my area of Canada and I'd rather gouge my eyes out with a dull pencil than to use one. Not that I can't, I mean, I'm on a computer, right? I have the skills. I just hate them. If I wanted to work at WalMart, well, I would. But I don't.
157. dsnydi said:
I generally check out via self checkout all the time. The one time that I wanted to stab myself in the eye with scissors occurred when a woman was doing this for the first time.
She had a gigantic order and after taking forever to scan and bag the truckload of groceries she proceded to try to pay with a check. It was evident that she had never been to the store before so she didn't have a check card saying her checks were to be accepted. Oy vey! It took another ten to fifteen minutes for this to get sorted out.
The worst part is that she acted like this was all the store's fault and not hers.
158. karah said:
Thank the tiny baby jesus you said something. I usually think of all the good, nasty comebacks I should have said once I get home, which then means I have to drink vodka shots to get over it.
Oh, and I've discovered one shot = about one minute's worth of calmdown, just so you know.
159. Adventures In Babywearing said:
For this very situation I stopped shopping at Walmart over a year ago. Not because it was trendy to stop shopping there and all the good ethical reasons, but because I literally thought I was going to go insane during the self-checkout and do something crazy to the clueless self-checkout-monitor-person's unwillingness to help me, ever.