Heather, that self-checkout machine was the parent of the blender you killed. :P

I hate the things. It wouldn't be so bad if they worked.

As for Froger1995, Item #4, dude, you're in the wrong place -- flake off.

I have never used those self-checkouts. Once I was shopping and my fiance and I spent almost 2 hours buying stuff froma big store and then when we proceeded to head for the checkout there was a girl serving a customer so we lined up behind that customer. But when that customer was finished she suddenly said to us that this checkout was closed and we had to go to the self serve checkout right over on the other side. So we proceeded over there when suddenyl she announced over the speakers that the store was closing, and out of no where all these people rushed to lineup at those counters. So it went from 3 people to 50 in 2 lines for slef serve. We couldn't be bothered waiting that long let alone doing it all ourself when they get paid to be checkout staff so we left everything there and never went back.

why can't froger have an opinion contrary to popular belief or the ass kissing of everyone here? does heather turn the comments on so that everyone will agree with her? that's just as bad as making people use those fucking machines!

not everyone loves children, people. i could never understand why people can hate animals, jesus, baby jesus, whatever, yet god forbid they don't have children or even more surprising, don't like other people's children!

i've had to use one of those machines at a wal-mart when i visited the states, i'm glad canada still hire people to care.. unfortunately i'm one of those people, but it beats being replaced by a machine and needing a "right good fucking" haha

As you can see you're not alone in the hatred of self check outs. I have only experienced them a couple of times up here in Canada, Home Depot being one of them and a couple of times shopping in the States with my Husband. The machines yell at me too and I can't even blame a child for touching things it is just me I guess.

My pet peeve are people who can't figure out how to use the automated ticket machines at the Movies. I mean seriously it's a touch screen not rocket science and supposed to be quick. I work in the credit card industry and I seriously want to walk up and take over for them.

Maybe at moments like that I should remember my own ineptitude at the Home Depot.

The plus of self check outs...
it's so much easier to steal from huge corporations. Do I EVER pay for half the shit from Wal Mart? No.

Redistributive justice. They practically steal from farmers and small businesses in their efforts to commodify the WORLD (and self checkouts are just that- they're homogenizing the shopping experience by taking out the variable of another human's actions), so I steal avocados and apples in practicum when I'm forced by economics to shop there.

I hate those things. They annoy the hell out of me but my fiance, Bryan has to go to the every damn time. Either he actually enjoys doing it himself or he does it to annoy me.

It's amazing to me how little the employees react when you actually need help after having scanned your stale sushi for the n-th time. Hilarious post! Thx.

Glad I'm not the only one shoplifting produce. I buy red bell peppers but push the cheaper green pepper button instead. My receipt says white onions, but my bag is filled with Vidalias.

I know, I know...I'm going to burn. But that kick-ass salad I made for the potluck in hell only cost me $1.42.

The store in my town with the automatic checkout has an employee whose sole job it is to stand at a console and reset the machines everytime they stop because of an error. Seriously. When I get the "PLEASE BAG YOUR ITEM" she just punches a button and things go along fine for another second or two until she has to hit the button again. Someday they will work I am sure but right now? Worse than useless.

I don't know Heather....idiot human or idiot machine. Tough call. What are you more capable of forgiving?

Grumpy people AND grumpy machines = joy stolen and squashed.

I worked for a business school that got the contract to test those self checkout machines for usability several years ago. Most of the testers said they hated the machines. They then made several recommendations on how to make the machines easier and more intuitive to use, which were completely ignored.

I guess I can see the appeal of beeping the scanner, not having to make small-talk, etc.....for somebody else. But I hate those self-checkout machines. I've quite going to a store that tried to force customers to use them. That store eventually got rid of them!

So while I don't want to deprive those that enjoy self-checkout machines, I won't be going anywhere near them. And this doesn't even get into the fact that self-checkout machines further reduce jobs, or what these machines tell us about corporate america's view of actually having to hire and work with people.

Hey, I think you may have hit upon a great idea for an updated version of Supermarket Sweeps. The final round will include a massive supermarket with your very own misbehaving preschooler and the self check-out line. Instead of having a time limit, though, whoever makes it to the end EVER wins.

Nothing to do with this -
But I love that you now comment on your daily pics. I love the stories behind the pics.

I would pay money for an audio clip of your Tennessee accent saying "right good fucking."

Holy Cow I wish I could have witnessed the encounter.

Ooh, let's all have a day of anti-checkout-machine action where we go in and mess with the machines as much as possible and then blog about it...that would get some media, I'll bet.

And ACM - the English language is notoriously accepting of neologims - Shakespeare contributed a boatload of new words, and do we complain about THAT? No, we say he is a genius. Enormousness indeed!

Grocery shopping has turned into a necessary evil, and I refuse to give my business to any store that has "outsourced caring," as you so brilliantly describe it., Heather.

A common practice at my Giant supermarket in Arlington, VA, is for the checkers to take their lunch break on a bench directly in front of the lines that continue to back up because their register/line is closed.

Wow, I don't want to trash talk. But Anonymous at 6:11, you really are very hateable. Anyway, my vote on these machines is that they are awful...and I have been there, except my 3 y.o. was screaming and there was nothing I could do but push through the situation. Sometimes you just end up in the grocery store with a screaming toddler, and everyone else can just DEAL WITH IT.

These are great.

Until.

You have a 5 year old who is fully aware that breathing on these machines make them go haywire and who will do this when I turn to get the next item, then snatch back her hand innocently with her long-eyelashed brown eyes gazing up at me with an, "I didn't do it," face on. I think the machine actually screeched at me the other day, "Put the motherfucking cottage cheese back in the bag, Tool!"

Mylanta, Spencer scares the crap out of me. He and Heidi look like some bizarre children of the corn duo. I know Heidi is probably half brunette when she is doing cartwheels, but they still seem like Barbie and Ken-- that is, if Barbie ditched Ken and went for her brother Barney instead.

I've read your page for YEARS now and I've finally gotten a chance to comment! They're always closed by the time I get around to reading your post! But anyway, I'm a struggling college student and I work part time as a cashier at Home Depot where we have recently installed our own Self-Checkouts, or as my fellow coworkers and I like to call them, the "Machines-That-Make-Us-Want-To-Kill-Ourselves." I know they are a hassle to 99.99% of customers we have, but believe me, they're an even BIGGER pain to us cashiers! I'm thinking about printing this out and taking it into work next week to see their reactions...

But anyway, this is the first time I've gotten to comment so I just wanted to say that I really love your blog. I started coming here a couple years ago to get a little comic relief, but that turned into me turning into a complete psycho blog-addict to your site. My family is going through some of the things your family is (my younger brother and mother have both had multiple moles cut off -- some benign and some malignant) and I really appreciated reading your posts about USE SUNSCREEN! NOW! NOW NOW! Anyway, thanks again for all your hard work -- The new site looks great!

--Bethany

I have to be honest - I kinda love self-checkouts...in principle. The thing is (and this is not a dig at you; you had a child with you which is very different, and they should really have more clerks so that people have options) most people are too stupid to actually make them efficient. I can have 15 items and be out in 90 seconds, but I've been behind people with 3 items who take 5 minutes! I think the lane signage should include something like "1 trillion brain cells or more."

Hey Heather - excellent post on bizarre American trade ritual. Our local K-mart is the worst, where they not only insist you use robo-clerks, the check out aisles are so freakin' narrow that both of my thighs are bloodied and bruised by the time I get out of the store. I can barely navigate the cart through these check-out aisles, as if they prefer that I buy less, and skip the cart entirely. Why do I go back? - I guess I gotta thing for robo-abuse.

Love your blog
Rechelle

One day I decided that for lunch I was going to go grab a Starbucks and go to the grocery store to pick up something to eat. More than likely a turkey sandwich. So I go to Starbucks and I run over to the nearest grocery store to grab my sandwich. Of course, this is a new store and they force you to use those stupid freaking self check out machines too... My 30 minutes of lunch (because I was trying to get back to the office and get some work done) turned into ONE HOUR. ONE HOUR of spending my precious time trying to check out my stupid sandwich. Finally, the chick took my crap to her machine and checked it out, with an attitude. SHE thought she should have the attitude?? I AM THE ONE WHO WAS SUPPOSED TO HAVE THE ATTITUDE. I wasted MY time on their damn machine. And then I had to work late to make up for it.
Ugh... I am bitter too.

i only fuck around with these for 1 or 2 item trips. Can't imagine how much more interesting a (very cute) small child and nasty crowd could make the already painful experience.

Ouch, you really did strike a nerve, didn't you? One of those raw, oozing nerves with those lightning bolts coming out of it.

A four year old is not a toddler.

I'm still stuck on the fact that you would prefer Leta to be in the cart and she's not. She's only 3, parents trump kids. =)

i laughed out loud at the "PLEASE PUT THE ITEM BACK IN THE BAG" part.

those stupid machines make us feel stupid.

and if you luckily don't need assistance with it, you feel like you barely made it out alive

SHOW ME CHUCKS TITZ! ...at least one?

I hate those damned self-checkout lines. They are geared for food in boxes and plastic wrap. Try to ring up one avocado, or a head of endive, and all the bells and whistles in the store start steaming. And god forbid we should have to talk to each other in line.

Ay, poor you and Leta. This world isn't geared for humanity anymore.

Heather, Harmons (at least the one I shop at) doesn't have self-checkout.

Having done a good share of cashiering, I like the self-checkout at most stores, but I hate going to the nearest Smiths. Ever since they installed their system it seems they only hve ONE regular register open.

And, unless they've fixed it, if someone hits the spanish option at the Home Depot it's next to impossible to see how to switch it back to english!

I think all those mean Anonymous posters probably work in a grocery store somewhere for minimum wage resetting self check outs.

But hey, if that's the case, their attitude is understood. I mean, I would hate my life too.

I have only encountered these machines once and that was on vacation. Technology doesn't scare me. My husband and I enjoy all the new gadgets and gizmos that are available, but something about those self-checkouts gave me the heebie jeebies. I gave them a wide berth - even when leaving the store.

How has the new site handled all the comments?

Holy Crap, Heather! It occurred to me after reading all these comments that you really are the Oprah of the internet. I double Chuck dare you to start a book club.

I adore self-checkouts, personally--because interacting with humans who haven't been vetted and approved for social contact with me makes me kind of twitchy--but I only like them when they work. Two of the approximately 89,000 grocery stores in my area have them, along with the Home Depot, and though they never used to work, they usually do now. Still, I remember the horror that was attempting to get those things to work properly at first. The Home Depot ones are still pretty crappy, but I don't have to shop there very often. Thank god.

Also, speaking as a person who has never enjoyed interacting with children, can I just say that the Designated Carer and a few of your readers are incredible douchebags? (No one's telling you people to enjoy sharing oxygen with someone else's child. That doesn't mean you get a pass on being civil. For that matter, with the exception of abusive behavior, you also don't get the right to tell someone else what to do with her kid. God.)

Oh I've had my run-in with the self-checkout, at Wal-Mart. That place alone drives me postal, and that was the last straw that day. I walked off without whatever it was I braved the Place of Doom to buy. My husband, however, never has trouble with the damn things.

On the topic of bagging, its understandable when they forget whether you asked for paper or plastic. Its not so much when you send your reusable bags down the belt first, tell them to please bag in those, and they forget and put everything into plastic. Then when they realize, they make a big deal (nicely, this isn't WM) out of putting the plastic-bagged items into the fabric bags...i kept telling them to stop, the point had been defeated, the plastic bags are already used now, I'm not mad, you just look silly, its okay. It held up the line a bit and made _me_ look like the stupid person.

I get a little thrill when I use those machines, thinking of Babe Secoli, the famed cashier from Working by Studs Terkel.

However, I do have the humanity to use a human cashier sometimes. I've seen an open human-operated lane and a line at the U-Scan. Forlorn faces as the reality of annoying robot voices taking human jobs haunt my dreams.

I usually shop in tiny doses, enjoy technology, am too young to have pesky children, and only use a debit card. One would think that I would be the ideal person to use self checkout, but the machines apparently think I am a gigantic wad of midwestern fool.

The Home Depot machine was disturbed by all the air I was pushing around and scanned my allen wrenches three times. Home Depot machine, you suck, but you were my first time so you get a free pass.

Walmart machine A scanned 1 item 3 times as well. I would think that it was something I was doing wrong except that I had no problems with anything else. It also told me, unnecessarily, to PUT my ITEMS IN the BAG! IN the BAG! They were already IN the BAG you rat bastard. Walmart machine A, I hate you.

Walmart machine B apparently thought it was funny that I wanted condoms, so it called the lumpy-headed cashier over to share a metallic laff. Why do you think I was using self-checkout, Walmart machine B? So I could avoid the lumpy-headed cashier! Wouldn't you think many people before me scanned condoms themselves to avoid the lumpy? I know you have seen condoms before, Walmart Machine B, you asshole.

Am I the only one who doesn't mind self checkout and is confused by the youtube clip from The Hills?

I AVOID stores that mandate customers to use the self checkout machines.

My 2 children have entered elementary school but when they were toddlers, I BOYCOTTED grocery shopping with the darlings unless it was an extreme emergency.

Yes, I am a slacker mom.

Luckily, there are a few grocery stores in town that still have a check out person and a bagger. I am pretty sure they are all on Prozac or one of the derivatives because they seem very cheerful and helpful... they are soooo nice.

i hate the self-check out. you're right, it never works properly, and the shrill demands of the automated voice infuriate me. there have to be at least ten people in a regular line before i will use one. i always leave ticked off after using the self-checker.

May I ask, what is up with all the comments timestamped at 11 past the hour? Weird.

Personally, I prefer the self checkout at Kroger. I don't have to talk to anyone I went to high school with who is currently working there.

Dooce you are the best.
I fucking hate self-checkout machines.
Cranky old bitches in the checkout line aren't on my top five list either.

I'm laughing hysterically right now! The first reason is because of the amount of comments you have for this blog. Oh my GOD. Second, the fact that everyone goes through the same shit at those stupid scanners. I'm just lucky I don't have to do it with a three year old.

Fight! Fight! Fight!

Can't believe how quickly people start bitching at each other while commenting on a post about grocery shopping. Imagine what would happen if you opened the comments on a post that was actually controversial!

my ex boss and great friend is named lynn wilson so i had a laugh at your receipt. ;)

i can't believe all these negative comments about kids in public. what is this, victorian england? they are allowed in public places these days!

Thanks for all the horrible stories about self-checkout machines. I have never used one and now I know that it’s not worth it! Actually, I just found my debit card while looking through a pile of paperwork and have no idea what the pin number is! I use cash or the annoying payment by check method, although I always fill my check out while waiting in line. Luckily for me, most check out people are nice where I live. However, I have been appalled when a customer talks on his/her cell phone during the entire transaction and never acknowledges the checker. I have found that a pleasant greeting and a pleasant thank you works wonders for relations between the checker and me. Of course, I am from Wyoming, where people are generally quite friendly. And… I enjoy people very much and appallingly enough, often look total strangers in the eye and smile at them. So, it appears that I might annoy many of you who aren’t thrilled about friendly checkers!

I was surprised when I visited Spain that I was not supposed to pick out my own produce, even at a large supermarket. I was supposed to ask the produce person to put my apples and potatoes in a bag for me. When I objected, my friend told me to hush and not be a rude American! I also discovered that if one goes to a pharmacy in Spain, the only items one can choose off the shelves are lotions, perfumes, beauty products, etc. If one wants to buy what would be an OTC med in the US, the customer must explain his or her symptoms to the pharmacist who then makes the decision about what med the customer should purchase. For an independent American, this was a bit too much customer service for me!

I once read a great story about how one mom dealt with her unruly children at the grocery store. This mom’s solution would not work for a 3 year old, however. The children in the story were at the age where they were embarrassed by their mom. However, this did not keep them from being very unpleasant and rude in the grocery store. Finally, the mother stopped in her tracks and began singing very loudly. The children were so humiliated and shocked that all bad behavior stopped, and the grocery shopping expedition went smoothly from that point on!

While I agree that it would be great if Heather could leave her daughter at home while shopping, that isn’t always possible. Living in a college town, I know plenty of parents whose spouses are unavailable for child sitting while the other spouse does the shopping. Or, in the case of my single parent niece, she can’t afford to pay a babysitter while she does her shopping. It’s all up to her, no matter how exhausted she is when she gets out of class.

You are a great writer, Heather. I loved your final sentence. (“Oddly, I've never been trained to tell someone that their machine needs a right good fucking, but I manage to do it as if everything in my life has been leading up to this exact moment.”)Delightful!

Hurray for you and you shoulda kicked that horrible customer service person where it hurts!

to anon at 6:11 pm. Just because a parent like Heather decides to take her kid shopping with her does not mean she is forcing her kid on anyone. Did it ever occur to you that maybe Mr. Armstrong was doing something that would keep his attention away from Leta or maybe Leta would have thrown a fit if Heather left her at home? Any Woman with a brain knows that no man wants to be left alone at home with a screaming fit throwing tantrum body throwin kid. Because his head will split open and his brain will come spilling out. I have met very few men who will actually sit and deal with that crap from a kid. If you don't like kids maybe you should take your happy little ass to your house and lock your doors and shop online and spare all of the parents out there (including me) your jackass attitude? God didn't put us on this earth to please you and we sure as hell are not going to go out of our way to make your grumpy ass happy. You sound like the 90 year oldbiddy down the street that has a fit if she lets a fart. Get a life and leave people who choose to be parents alone you asshat!

I would rather sit there and watch her kid squirm around and her trying to hold her still instead of some stupid ass lazy parent who lets their kids run all over the store and doesn't watch them or lets their kid scream like a spoiled brat through the entire store. Me I don't deal with that crap from my kids. They wanna mis behave I don't give a shit who is watching I will spank them right there.

But since your not a parent like half the people who like to write parenting books who have never had kids. You have no right to judge a parent. And or give out advice to a parent. So shut your pie hole. Go play a video game or something. Or take some sleeping pills and sleep the rest of your life away and spare us all your attitude. God your childhood must have been shit if your such a fucking ass.

At the grocery store I frequent, we have four self-checkout machines. The two on the left have a 20 item limit, the two on the right have a 10 item limit. Most of the time there's two lines - the people with 10 items in their baskets and the people with more and everyone advances to the appropriate machine and all is well. But every once and a while, it's anarchy. The 10-item people get in the 20-item line and then think they can just take a 10-item machine when they get up to the front of the 20-item line, completely pissing off the 10-item line people. It's amazing there aren't fist-fights. And since I live in a college town, the best is when the 3 sorority girls with a big basket full of food get in line. They obviously have two or three times the number of items allowed, and everyone looks at them with suspicion and sometimes outright hostility. But, like, each one of them is, like, totally only paying for THEIR stuff, and it's, like, less that 20 items, OK? Duh.

To Natalie a few posts up -- I beg to differ:

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/fussbucket

I used to be the self-check out assistant at my local superstore, and I personally found the most annoying thing the people that would bring carts and carts full of groceries through. It's not so bad when you just have one or two things. I tried to be a helpful assistant, but I definitely understand the frustration. It took forever to get the just minor kinks worked out.

On a similar note, has anyone heard of WinCo? I actually find it much weirder. A human checks you out and takes your money, but you have to bag your own groceries. The first time I didn't know, and all the people in line behind me glared while I loaded my bags as fast as I could.

Living in Australia, I have yet to encounter one of these self check machines. When I first heard about them, I ever so excited (because I like a new toy to play with every now and then!) but now, after reading this and seeing the comments, I'm thinking, maybe not so much with the excitement and more with the whole WTF happened to good old fashioned service? That being said, its not like customer service here is any better than anywhere else. We stand in lines so deep they snake halfway down the store. I once stood in line for 90 minutes (!!!!!!) just to be told that the item I was trying to purchase was not in the system and therefore could not be scanned correctly. Good lord, just thinking of what would happen if a machine were to be in complete control of my purchasing? Ugh. And yes, Heather, you should have let Leta loose on that stupid dick! Kids cant help it (I have a 4 yr old nephew who loves to 'help') so other people should just be a little more patient and a lot less like...well, like jerks!

I have to admit that I go through the self-check at Home Depot just to gick with the 'monitor'. He looks like Captain Kangaroo. I am sensitive to other shoppers,,,,if it is busy I don't make waves, but if it's a slow day I just can't help myself. This guy is just strung a little too tight.

I just think of the day when they figure it out and make a good machine that actually works. I'm willing to put up with the flaws for now because they'll get better eventually.

The trick is to never go through those lines with produce items. I tried to buy two limes one day and ended up somehow scanning in 2 BAGS of limes (ahem large price difference there) and then had to literally wait 15 minutes for a human to come and void them out. I tried to get the lady behind me in line to sympathize with me since every clerk in the vicinity was ignoring me, but even she just refused to make eye contact with me. WTf???

If I walk up to the check out with a cart full of groceries and there are not enough humans to ring the register, I abandon my cart. I have done it many times. Once, someone caught me and asked me what I was doing - you know - "are you going to just leave all that perishable food there?" and I said, "Yes. there is no one here to ring my purchase and take my money, and since I DO NOT WORK here, I guess I am going to have to go somewhere else."

I will never, ever use those self check out machines. EVER.

I experienced a new sort of outsourced caring... I went to the grocery store yesterday during my break. While there I went to one of the cashier checkout lines because I wanted them to help me... that's what they are there to do... instead, I had to bag my own groceries while standing there... she even asked me to hurry up so she could ring up the next costumer... forget the fact that I was doing her job.

I couldn't stop laughing at this. I have been known to cuss the damn things out. I'm sure everyone around me then thinks I'm a crazy person that talks to myself. All self checkouts SUCK. The loud robot voices trying to "help", the PLEASE WAIT FOR ASSISTANCE, the oh-so-caring employees that act like you are the dumbest person on the face of the planet b/c you can't operate the damn thing. I'm not sure if they act like that b/c they hate all of us or they're fed up with the pieces of crap and want to take a shotgun to every single machine in the store. I've heard from a friend that used to get stationed at the register right next to (you know the "mini" register that the helpful employee never leaves, just stands there and watches in disgust while we screw up the machines?) the horrible contraptions that she hated the machines b/c they did more harm than good. ANYWAY, I think we'd all love to hear what exactly went down between you and the employee. LOL That would be awesome.

Oh, and are we even sure that Mr. Pratt is umm...how do I put this?...into women? That vid definitely doesn't prove anything. Cracks me up every time I watch it.

Try needing one packet of yeast. ONE. Scan at U-Scan because in your previous life you lived in a college town and all the students were buying alcohol. and you wanted to make pizza. Then scan the yeast and watch the machine have a fit. Because YEAST WEIGHS NOTHING.

And then buy amaretto at the ripe age of 21 where you haven't had alcohol in well over a month because you don't see the fun in being drunk constantly. And get told that you look 16 even when you're ID says you are 21.

So so so happy I live in a big city now.

I once threw a 12pack of Dr. Pepper at one of those things when it wouldn't scan and I was in a huge hurry. Which is why I was using the self-checkout. The machine kept telling me to WAIT FOR CASHIER (because clearly I had violated the third rail). There was no CASHIER.. I was in SELF CHECKOUT.

After the third WAIT FOR CASHIER I picked up that twelve pack and slammed it down on the scanner.

Suddenly, a cashier appeared.

And I didn't show my face in that store for 2 months.

I had an anxiety attack once trying to use the self-check at Walmart. Even my third grade nun-teacher never made me feel so inadequate.

I hate these machines. SO MUCH. I was in Wal-Mart, trying to self-checkout and it kept yelling at me to TAKE THE ITEM OUT OF THE BAG which was unfortunate because I HADN'T SCANNED ANYTHING YET. The checkout assistant helpfully leaned over and said "yes, sometimes it does that because the people who set them up don't tell it the bags are there, so it doesn't know how to adjust for the weight." So basically, no matter what I do, the machine will accuse me of PUTTING UNSCANNED ITEMS IN THE BAG because the people who put the bags on the machine can't be fucking bothered to do that right.

I hate the self-checkout with the burning intensity of a thousand suns.

You remind me of my mom. She would have gotten a bit louder a bit earlier, though. (She yelled at the screen when we went to see the Breakfast Club 18 years ago.)

I have a love hate relationship with the self serve. I have 2 cashiers that I will look for at the grocery store, if they aren't on, I slog through SS. I'd rather put up with that level of hell then deal w/the elderly old man that can't figure out that I might want to get out quickly since 2 of my three kids are screaming and the third is stealing gum from the candy rack.

Self-checkout machines are so convenient when I'm without my son. But dragging him along with me costs me more money. When I'm not looking, he puts candy on the scanner and then I have to go bother that nice lady to help me get the five bags of M&M's off my bill. After the first scowl I received, I've learned to just pay for the shit I don't really need.

Wait. Can I say "shit" here?

There is some irony here, in that Spencer will probably be working as one of the automated checkout clerks any day now...

self-checkout = evil incarnate

I like using the self-checkout, because I worked at Target as a cashier a *few* years ago, and I feel I can scan and bag faster than the cashiers at the store. Plus, I can bag my stuff together so that it's easier to put away when I get home. But I hate how it tells me there is something "unauthorized" on the conveyor belt, like I've scanned a WMD or something.

By the way, what do we need to do to get our comment verified?

Gutted... the video can't be watched now.
I totally agree with you though. Although I am pretty sure I would use much worse language!

I flat out won't use self-checkouts. I can program computers but self-checkout machines? I'm pretty sure they'll eat me.

The ONLY upside to self check out machines:
1. Grab a 12 pack of beer.
2. Open the small top back flap of the box juuust so.
3. Rotate beer can inside so that stupid self check out will scan the bar code on just one can instead of the whole box.
4. Purchase your 12 pack at the price of a 6 pack.

But then again, you don't drink beer. However, I have yet to test it on a 12 pack of wine.

I hate those machines as well. I've never successfully been able to use one without some sort of glitch in the system that forced a real live person to stomp over to me (very unhappily I might add) and sigh while trying to "do it right".

And while I'm here what in the name of Pete is up with people that read your blog and then blow all over the fact that you write about what you want to. And who cares that your life is different now than it was five years ago. Hell yeah it is. Life happens. Freaking Blog Commenting idiots need to find something else to do. I think in secret they really do love you and are jealous as hell of you...they wish they were as doocified as you are.

Dooce on Heather B.

I can usually handle the self checker nightmare. I tend to think it is just another damn machine that will steal your soul, but, after another day teaching teenagers, I don't really want to have to talk to one when buying beer.

Last week my niece wanted to use a self-checker to make our purchase, so I let her. The machine freaked out instantly -- ITEM NOT RECOGNIZED (maybe sensed a child in its midst?) and The Self Check-Out Nazi came over, glared at both of us (bad flash back to first grade teacher hag) and took our items and did the whole process for us, glaring and sighing loudly the entire time...When we were leaving my niece pointedly looked from me to The Self Check-Out Nazi and said "That was not very nice" just loud enough so most people around us heard. The girl is a genius.

Then last night while at Home Depot my husband of one week seemed to think he had to push the buttons on the self checker for me. I don't know if he believes that I shed IQ points and he gains them anytime we enter the home improvement realm, but I finally slapped his hand away and said "I CAN DO IT MYSELF!"

Self checker Nazi-ed by my own husband.

Anonymous, YOU are one of the many things that is wrong with this country. You go Heather.

i abhore those damn self checkout lanes. they raise the prices on the products sold and fire the humans who would ring up my purchases, plus fire the humans who would pack my groceries. they want me to pay more for the goods AND work for them for free? i think not. nope. i'll stand in the long ass line and request to speak to a manager every time. plus i get to read all the gossip rags while i wait in line. fick em. ain't buying the magazine when i can read it for free.
but, i don't have kids bouncing around, wanting to get the hell outta there.

I only like them when I get to "forget" to scan stuff. I guess I didn't do enough shoplifting as a kid!

My local grocery put in several self-checkouts a few years ago as a means to cut down on overhead costs by hiring fewer baggers and checkers (or perhaps firing a cadre of the ones they already had). They didn't lower any prices significantly to encourage me to shop more or use those self-check lanes so I didn't. No one else did either. But we all complained about them. Loudly. The machines lasted a month and then were removed entirely. Whee!!

I can carry a bagillion plates to the table and not drop one or stick my fingers into any food. I was a waitress so that's a skill I retained. But I never checked groceries and therefore, I'm rendered immediately retarded when faced with a self-check lane. Just ask the guy at Home Depot who had to reboot the entire system when I broke it last week by doing.... something.

I don't want to be stoned or anything, and I'm ducking as I write this, but I actually prefer the self-checkout. Sure, it is a pain in the ass when the stupid thing invaribly tells you to take your first item & "place the item in the bag." Or a "Please wait for assistance" for no discernable reason. HOWEVER, It does mean no bananas thrown on top of the bread, or every canned item slipped in one bag when your eyes were turned for an instant. And I freely admit I am not herding a toddler while I do this.

Self-checkouts put people out of work, which sucks. I suspect the bottom line is the real reason we see them everywhere, not "convenience".

That and they seem to deeply irritate the people who do end up having to use them.

These machines are only good for a single person buying ten items or less, rather than two slow-moving combative old ladies and an overflowing shopping cart.

I love all the "Why didn't you just leave your kid at home?" comments. Yes, because that's the real problem and is always an option. "I'm so sorry you're hungry and thirsty Leta but Daddy is out of town so we can't go to the market until next Tuesday! Here's some carboard to chew on!"

Self check out machines suck. I remember when they put them into the brand spanking new Albertson's they built in Culver City. NO ONE could make those stupid machines work. They were either encouraging you to steal with the "put your item in the bagging area!" or accusing you of stealing with the "unexpected item in the bagging area!"

Now we live in small town Ventura county. The only store with self check out is Home Depot and still people are willing to wait in lines that wrap around the store twice to avoid using it.

I must share one fun experience my roommate and I had with the attendant assigned to the evil machines. We were at a very big chain here in Boston and they have a discount card that you must swipe in order to get the sales of the week. Hers is attached to her keychain, and the machine was having trouble reading it, getting stuck in the 'remove item from bagging area' loop, and when the lovely employee came over to check, she swiped the card once more.... didn't work. So she tried it again with him watching... still didn't work. She said something along the lines of "see, it's not reading my card!" And out of no where he screamed THAT'S BECAUSE YOU ARE EVERY TIME SWIPING YOUR CVS CARD!!

Sometimes when we get frustrated with technology in our home we holler that at each other.

The self-checks replace checkers; they put checkers out of jobs.

I refuse to use them because I do not want to be part of the reason why someone can't get a job. That's just way totally not cool.

I'm working my first ever management position and one of the first battles I took on when I took the position was "Outsourced caring."

I have a sign hanging in our break room that says, "Congratulations, you've given great service for ___ days." Service complaints are logged, and when one is received, the number gets set back to zero.

I also have a sign by the door that says, "The best service you can give us is speaking up when you don't get our best service."

And really, it is. Walking out may feel better in the short term, but you'll just be back screaming at the machine again next week if you don't speak up then and there.

while i agree with you (for the most part), and TOTALLY sympathize, we have a couple of cashiers at our local grocers who are borderline nosey. and this particular grocers doesn't have self-checkout yet, but oh! what we would give for it when either of these people are the only checkers available.

like your cereal, they carry these particular pickles that no one else local carries. they are those large dill ones that are individually bagged? so my husband may by 8-10 at a time, every two or three days. and god forbid the same checker is there two visits in a row, because they invariably say something rude, like, "didn't you just buy some of these the other day?" or "wow, you sure do like pickles!"

and not to go on and on, but there is another checker, who as each person departs, always says, "see you tomorrow," which i find particularly annoying. as i said, in certain cases, i would give anything for self-checkout...

I hate those machines. Just absolutely hate them. You should have sucker punched it and the stupid human who came over with attitude.
I have a 2.5year old son and I can't put him in the shopping cart either. Screams like someone put a knife to his throat. So you are not alone! Hang in there! Sometimes I want to kill myself for having thought I could handle a baby/toddler/totally other human being. But now I'm stuck with him. Hurray.

There was the time I had trouble with the self-checkout. I was my 3 younger sons...picture cerebral palsy, Bipolar/ADHD and Asperger's syndrome and each of them in a melt down. The cashier who "oh my God!" had to help me...after looking the boys up and down her nose...said, "Lady, can you spell R-I-T-A-L-I-N?"

Now I'm not a person of foul language or impolite behaviors or murderous acts...except for that one time.

i think i love you for your hills references alone! (and the bbys too) i'm 31 and all over some lauren/heidi drama :/ i don't know what that makes me.

I don't have anything particularly against the machines. Actually, since during at least one week a month I turn into a troll and try to avoid any human contact at all, they can be pretty darn useful! It's the "Outsourced Caring" that I despise in general. A brilliant description! That person who called your daughter "kid" needed a good punch in the nose, I say. She's lucky she only got the f-bomb. Ha! No, I don't actually go around punching mouthy malcontents in the nose. But it makes me feel better to imagine it some days. *evil cackle*

Big fan, Heather. You make me laugh on days when I really need it.

Anyway, it feels almost mean to tell this story after what you experienced, but I can't help myself. I expected the worst when I realized I needed a few things for Thanksgiving about 4pm the day before. My two year old daughter/howler monkey in tow, I headed to New Seasons (is this a Portland thing?) whose tagline is "The friendliest store in town," which isn't always the case. I pulled into their tiny parking lot, where they had actual parking attendants directing the onslaught of cars, and was directed to a space in seconds. The store was a madhouse, but we blew through there in no time and then I steeled myself for the checkout lines, but... there weren't any! Every lane was open and had a bagger. As I started to unload my cart, an employee came up to me and asked if I'd like to sample a beaujolais nouveau (I swear I'm not making this up). As I continued to unload with one hand and drink wine with the other, ANOTHER employee offered to unload my cart for me. They gave my cranky, whining angel a sticker, handed me my receipt and we were out the door, where another parking attendant held up traffic while I put my groceries in the car, then took my cart from me and continued to hold traffic while I loaded my squirming child into her car seat and backed out. Now THAT'S FRIGGIN SERVICE!

I would have kicked the bitch. Oh, and the computer, too.

Have hope. When Leta reaches the age of 8 and above she will be able to use any machine automatically, just by looking at it. When I check out of the store I stand back and watch in amazement as the 13 year old scans, weighs and swipes in short order while I stand there scratching my head. It's built into "them". Any of this technology comes automatically to them. If Leta was 13 you could have had your redesign up and running in less than 24 hours! Really. Jon could have given you a nice oil massage and by the time you got out of a hot shower the web site would be have been done. That's what you have kids for these days, didn't you know?

You know, I love your mastheads but this one kind of looks rushed. The white curved lines remind me of wonder woman and that is so not you. I dig the purple and Chuck, well he's awesome as usual. But I'm not feeling the white even in the stars. Like you care I'm sure.

LLB

Nobody's even mentioned the hell of juggling your kid, the kid's gear, your carry-ons, your e-ticket number, your wallet, and your credit card at those self-service kiosks at the airport. I have leaned on them and wept, loudly, till the one attendant serving 7 machines finally got around to helping me out.

And to the asshat making the mom's life even worse (and the commenters who self-righteously defend him/her): one, no matter how much you hate kids now, you were one, and I'm betting that if you are willing to snarl at other people as an adult you were no picnic as a kid, either. Also keep in mind that YOUR mother likely chatted amiably with a clerk who had handed you a piece of candy to keep you busy, and then she got to hold your hand as you both walked alongside the bagger to her car, no tip expected. Or that's how I remember it way back in the way back of the 70s in a mid-sized, midwestern town.